antineutrino Posted June 19, 2014 Posted June 19, 2014 Everything feels like it's been going great with my girlfriend recently. We've been together for half a year and I feel like we're closer than ever. She's told me how excited she is about moving in together sometime next year, etc. But, just the other day she told me she was thinking about applying to jobs in other cities because it would open up more opportunities. I told her I felt like that means we'd never see each other again. I don't know if I was acting selfishly, but she could tell I was upset and apologized and told me how much she loved me. She said she wouldn't do it. The next day, she was really aloof in the morning. I don't know if it's related to this, or just because she dislikes her current job and didn't want to go. I just don't understand what's going on. Is this something I need to talk with her about again? I don't want to lose her...
irresolute Posted June 19, 2014 Posted June 19, 2014 I see a red flag there. Trust your gut. Ask her more.
ktya Posted June 19, 2014 Posted June 19, 2014 But, just the other day she told me she was thinking about applying to jobs in other cities because it would open up more opportunities. ... she could tell I was upset and apologized and told me how much she loved me. She said she wouldn't do it. The next day, she was really aloof in the morning. I don't know if it's related to this, or just because she dislikes her current job and didn't want to go. I could be wrong but shes going to apply for jobs in other cities anyway. My ex fiancee pulled this stunt when applying for universities. We were living together and engaged and I overheard her talking to her mom about applying in other countries. When I pressed her for it she figured they were long shots just in case she didn't get accepted to the local university. I was mostly upset that she would even consider it without at least talking to me. Well she did end up getting accepted to the local university and dumped me promptly after getting the acceptance letter. She was planning on leaving me anyway I guess. Hope my example isnt the same as yours. But my ex did string me along making me think everything was going to be ok blablabla until she just left at 530am. So just because she says she loves you doesnt mean shes not looking for an exit.
Author antineutrino Posted June 19, 2014 Author Posted June 19, 2014 I see a red flag there. Trust your gut. Ask her more. What type of red flag? I ran it by a few friends... and they all seem to think I need to bring it up again as well... I could be wrong but shes going to apply for jobs in other cities anyway. One friend said it's unfair of me to try to limit her career options, especially at this stage of the relationship. Do you agree? Sorry to hear about what happened with you and your ex
TXGuy Posted June 19, 2014 Posted June 19, 2014 What type of red flag? I ran it by a few friends... and they all seem to think I need to bring it up again as well... One friend said it's unfair of me to try to limit her career options, especially at this stage of the relationship. Do you agree? I don't know if there is a correct response to her possibly moving. You seem concerned that your 'I want you to stay' was wrong selfish. I've responded to a similar situation by saying something like 'I would never stand in the way of your goals' and she got upset I didn't beg her to stay. So, I don't think there is one right answer that always applies.
Author antineutrino Posted June 19, 2014 Author Posted June 19, 2014 I don't know if there is a correct response to her possibly moving. You seem concerned that your 'I want you to stay' was wrong selfish. I've responded to a similar situation by saying something like 'I would never stand in the way of your goals' and she got upset I didn't beg her to stay. So, I don't think there is one right answer that always applies. Hmm, that's a good point. What about stating my preference (I really want you to stay), but also being supportive (but I don't want to stand in the way of your goals)? 1
Strength in Healing Posted June 19, 2014 Posted June 19, 2014 Might as well voice your concerns but your priority needs to be to support her. None of us want(ed) to lose the people we are or were with over things like this, but you have to realize, she isn't your property. I loved this one girl, Karlie, to death. But she was just so busy, and we didn't see each other, so I broke up with her. But the thing is, if you pressure her into going against her heart, she will resent you and you'll lose her anyways. I knew that with Karlie. Sucked, but it is what it is. You can try to force your girl to do what you want her to do, or you can support her. It may cause you guys to break up if she leaves, but it will DEFINITELY cause you to break up in the end (resentment) if you influence her into going against her heart.
J21 Posted June 19, 2014 Posted June 19, 2014 At half a year, yes, it is unfair to limit her career options. What if u guys arent in a relationship anymore? She has no career and no relationship. I understand the underlying feelings you may have, but you gotta let her pursue after her career. The last thing you want is her to have regrets or feeling of resentment because she didnt pursue what she wanted to pursue.
Author antineutrino Posted June 19, 2014 Author Posted June 19, 2014 Thanks everyone. This is really hard for me, but now that everyone is saying it I know I need to do it... I love her like crazy too, and I just don't want to lose her
acrosstheuniverse Posted June 19, 2014 Posted June 19, 2014 It's a real tough one, is this. Can I just ask, are there circumstances that would prevent you from going with her? I'm at a stage to your gf right now, just finishing my MA and jobhunting. There are VERY few, if any, jobs in my city in my field, so I've had to expand my search out to neighbouring cities up to two to four hours drive away. If by the end of my MA I don't have an offer, I'll have to open it up even further to the entire country. If it's a career she's trained hard for and is passionate about, it's very difficult to accept that you're going to stay in your city with zero to slim opportunities when there are jobs all over the country ready to be applied for. It's a worry she never discussed it with you first though, I sense that's what you're most upset about? After a year and a half you'd imagine that your partner would be one of the first people you'd speak to regarding the possibility of moving away.
Diezel Posted June 19, 2014 Posted June 19, 2014 The best thing you can do is be supportive. If she stays in the city and doesn't get to develop herself professionally, she might forever look at you for the reason she didn't and could even come to resent you. That's the last thing you want just because you don't want to "lose her". She needs to be able to look out for herself as well. I agree, it is a red flag. She's considering maybe not only job options but options out of the relationship as well. Just because you had plans to move in, that doesn't guarantee it is going to happen. And just because she applies in other cities, it doesn't mean she is going to get a job somewhere else... but I'd be prepared for the worst scenario, just in case. Trust me, when thinking of applying in other cities, she knew perfectly well what it meant on how it'd affect your relationship.
GemmaUK Posted June 19, 2014 Posted June 19, 2014 Sounds like she is thinking/was thinking that you two moving in together didn't need to be in teh same town//city..she had plans to spread wings...with you. She has now been made aware you wouldn't move away from where you are. It will feel limiting to her. It may also be that her career prospects are much better n different locations and she may have worked hard for years to get to a point she can go chase those prospects. What kind of work is she looking for?
Author antineutrino Posted June 19, 2014 Author Posted June 19, 2014 It's a real tough one, is this. Can I just ask, are there circumstances that would prevent you from going with her? Unfortunately. It's hard to get a good job in my industry, and they're concentrated in my current metro area. If I left, I'd be loaded with student debt and would have a very difficult time finding a new job. My job also has fairly demanding hours. If I could, I would.... The best thing you can do is be supportive. If she stays in the city and doesn't get to develop herself professionally, she might forever look at you for the reason she didn't and could even come to resent you. That's the last thing you want just because you don't want to "lose her". She needs to be able to look out for herself as well. I agree, it is a red flag. She's considering maybe not only job options but options out of the relationship as well. Just because you had plans to move in, that doesn't guarantee it is going to happen. And just because she applies in other cities, it doesn't mean she is going to get a job somewhere else... but I'd be prepared for the worst scenario, just in case. Trust me, when thinking of applying in other cities, she knew perfectly well what it meant on how it'd affect your relationship. As hard as it is to admit, you're right (that I need to be supportive and that she knew what affect it'd have on our relationship). I thought things were going so well, that it really came as a shock. The worst case scenario is in the back of my mind, but I know it'd crush me if it came true. One other thing: she did say that she felt we could make it work (long distance-wise) if she moved to another city for a job... But who knows how long it would be before we could live in the same city again. Months? Years? Sounds like she is thinking/was thinking that you two moving in together didn't need to be in teh same town//city..she had plans to spread wings...with you. She has now been made aware you wouldn't move away from where you are. It will feel limiting to her. It may also be that her career prospects are much better n different locations and she may have worked hard for years to get to a point she can go chase those prospects. What kind of work is she looking for? Hmm, maybe. Although I felt like she knew beforehand that I pretty much have to stay here for my job. She wants to continue to pursue stuff in the performing arts industry (more administrative side). I always thought where we lived now had the most opportunities in the country for it...
GemmaUK Posted June 19, 2014 Posted June 19, 2014 Unfortunately. It's hard to get a good job in my industry, and they're concentrated in my current metro area. If I left, I'd be loaded with student debt and would have a very difficult time finding a new job. My job also has fairly demanding hours. If I could, I would.... As hard as it is to admit, you're right (that I need to be supportive and that she knew what affect it'd have on our relationship). I thought things were going so well, that it really came as a shock. The worst case scenario is in the back of my mind, but I know it'd crush me if it came true. One other thing: she did say that she felt we could make it work (long distance-wise) if she moved to another city for a job... But who knows how long it would be before we could live in the same city again. Months? Years? Hmm, maybe. Although I felt like she knew beforehand that I pretty much have to stay here for my job. She wants to continue to pursue stuff in the performing arts industry (more administrative side). I always thought where we lived now had the most opportunities in the country for it... Looking at your responses about both of your jobs it looks like you have both been assuming that the other 'knows' various differing things about your chosen careers. Have you both ever sat and talked about your work with each other so you both know where you are headed? Me and my long term partner (now ex..for other reasons) had that chat before we even considered moving in together.
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