Panatana90 Posted June 19, 2014 Posted June 19, 2014 Last week, my girlfriend of four years broke up with me. I didn't see it coming at all and was left stunned. She said she had been "having doubts" about us for a few weeks and felt it wasn't fair to go on. She also said we were in a rut (which to be honest, we were in a bit of a rut). Naturally, I didn't take the news too well. I stormed away from her. She ran after me, in tears, begging to meet up in a few days. I didn't give an answer. The next day there was no contact from either of us, even though I did want to get more answers. However, the following day she called and asked if we could meet up and talk. So we did the next day. She looked like she had been crying a lot, and told me she hadn't stopped for two days. I told her that I felt she was giving up on us without a fight. If she had been having doubts, she could have told me and we could have worked through it together. If I'm honest, there were times when I felt we were in a rut and doubted if the spark was still there. But I got through it cos I knew I loved her. I gave her every ounce of love and energy and she did with me also. We helped each other through a lot, went on holidays, revealed everything about each other - and became best friends also. It was a truly wonderful relationship. But when we met, she said the doubts had actually been there for a few months, not weeks, and she couldn't do it any more. The doubts only "intensified" in the last few weeks. She said I was my usual 'amazing self' and that nothing probably would have eased her doubts. I said, "how do you know? You never told me or tried." She also made it clear she was not in love with anyone else and I believe her. She just seems very confused and in a bad place, because she's not thrilled with how work is going or her general direction in life. Maybe I'm in denial and in shock but a part of me feels like she's breaking up for all the wrong reasons. She did say a few times also "this could be the biggest mistake I'll ever make." She did also say she'd like to keep in contact and she'd be there for me at any time but I don't know if that's a good idea. Being 'friends' never works. She said she can't guarantee she won't contact me. I asked her was she in love with me any more, and she said no. That was like a knife right in the heart. As the conversation came to an end, she asked if she should leave and I said "do you want to?" and she replied with "no." But she did and we had one last (passionate) kiss and hug and that was it. Right now, I'm still crazy about her and want to get back together (naturally). But I can't help but feel she has big doubts she's doing the right thing, and that might mean there's still something 'there.' It has been about five days since that meeting, and there has been no contact. I have been told by family and friends to definitely not contact her. Also this may be irrelevant, but she still hasn't changed our relationship status on Facebook. Dunno if there's anything to that, but it still says we're together. Again, I could be just in denial about the break up. Any advice is welcome.
CarrieT Posted June 19, 2014 Posted June 19, 2014 What are your ages? If you are in your early/mid 20s (or younger), I would chalk it up to Half-Baked Brain Syndrome* and move on. * Quite literally, until your late 20s, the frontal cortex of your brain is not fully attached the decision-making processes are still not fully functional. It explains the Seven Year Itch for those who get married in their early 20s. One does not become a complete adult until the late 20s... 1
stillfiguringitallou Posted June 19, 2014 Posted June 19, 2014 And some not even then. Every breakup should be approached as if it is final. If it isn't time is the only thing that will determine that. Focus on yourself.
BUBS Posted June 19, 2014 Posted June 19, 2014 I'm very sorry you are going through this struggle, but you came to a good place to get your feelings out and possibly even receive some rational advice in a very irrational and emotional time. Obviously after that length of time in a relationship you are both very comfortable and have established a great deal of love between one another. However after that length of time things do get considerably routine, and for those who aren't emotionally mature enough to understand that love is a verb and not a disney movie, they tend to associate this with something being wrong. I'm sorry she said she was no longer in love with you. I'm sorry she left however no one can tell you whether or not its likely she will come back, she seems unsure from what you explained, BUT not in the way you want her to be unsure, rather unsure because of the comfort, losing a part of her self and something she invested so much time in. You have to treat any break up you are in as if its final just like other posters have said. Unfortunately it is... until she says otherwise and you make that decision too, which doesn't happen often. Truth be told, we all CANT help but to have a little bit of hope that someone will come back, I've seen it in these boards from people who wouldn't even take their ex back if they did come, but still wanted to have them come back for the validation or assurance that they didn't waste as much time or whatever it may be. This is a defense mechanism in your brain to try and alleviate some of your pain, or put it off in a sense, but it makes it more difficult at times when they don't come back, which is almost all the time at least in the respect of them not coming back for what you want them to. We all want them to come back... its natural, but you have to do what you can to snap out of it when you begin to think about scenarios that don't exist where she sees the error in her ways and so forth. Be your own best friend and take care of yourself, and once you are emotionally stable you will be able to see whether it was for the best, whether you really care if she comes back or if you were just afraid of the unknown and wanted to take solace in what you were familiar with. The reason its so important for you to remain no contact, and treat the relationship as final in general is because of the amount of time you were together. You need to be rational and sane if she does come running back, because you will need to truly know that yes she may miss you, but she most likely is coming back because she doesnt like being alone, and if she had doubts for months and wasn't able to speak to you about it to give you an opportunity to fix it, then the two of you were no longer compatible, the lines of communication changed. Stay productive, have hope, we ALL get through it eventually. Even if you fall into a rut, the pain will last a lot longer but even then most people make it out just fine with a few scrapes and bruises. 1
PhillyConnection23 Posted June 19, 2014 Posted June 19, 2014 I'm sorry to hear your story. I see parallels with your story and mine and it definitely hurts when you look at the person and can see that they still have feelings for you. But know this, people say a lot of things during a break up. Some are true, some aren't but you have no idea of knowing what is the truth. You just have to take everything on it's face value. With that being said, you need to slowly move on. You aren't going to get anywhere if you keep her in the picture as a "friend" or an emotional crutch when you are feeling lonely. If there is any chance of you two getting back together in the future, she needs a lot of time with out you.
Chi townD Posted June 19, 2014 Posted June 19, 2014 Well, dude. Sorry that you're going through this. And I'll be honest with you. In the coming weeks, you're going to go through a ton of emotions. Just ride those out. You're sad now, then you might feel confused, then you may feel angry that she dumped you and didn't even try. THIS IS NORMAL! And the best thing you can do is come here and vent it all out. However, make sure you do not contact her. She made the choice to have you out of her life. You give her exactly that. You gone. I mean, dude. She says that she doesn't love you. So, there's no point in maintaining contact with a person that is not and will not invest in you. You are not friends, I'm sure that you didn't get into a loving and caring relationship with her for the final outcome to be that you are nothing more than a really good friend to her. Here comes the hard part. If she calls you, let it go to voicemail. If she texts you, ignore it. If you feel like responding to something she sent, stop and log on here. Post about it rather than contacting her. People will be here to help. You need to block her off of Facebook. The temptation to look at her page is too great. And when she starts to date again, she's going to announce it to the whole world and you don't need to see that. Also, blocking her will not allow her to see what's going on in your life. She gave up that right when she broke it off with you. You need to keep busy, get new hobbies. Travel....make positive changes in your life. You do these things and you'll heal more quickly.
Author Panatana90 Posted June 19, 2014 Author Posted June 19, 2014 Thanks for advice,guys. Keep it coming. I should point out that she said she loves me, just not "in love" with me any more.
Chi townD Posted June 19, 2014 Posted June 19, 2014 Thanks for advice,guys. Keep it coming. I should point out that she said she loves me, just not "in love" with me any more. Okay, that's not good. You got the "I love you but I'm not in love with you speech". There might be some other dude in the picture. Or she's interested in someone else, and they're showing an interest in her. So, she decided to pull the plug on you to pursue this other dude. I would say about 9/10 cheaters use the "ILYBINILWY" speech. Wouldn't shock me if you discovered that she'll already with someone else. Of course, she wouldn't flaunt this person around yet. Give it a few weeks to a few months and she'll slowly introduce this douche rocket as a "friend" that helped her through her break up and they started to feel for each other. But, truth is, their probably already in a relationship. She just doesn't want to be seen in a bad light. Even if you discover that she has someone else. It's a moot point to call her out on it. She'll give you the "He wasn't the reason why we broke up." or "Nothing happened between him and me while we were together." Uh huh, you just had to get rid of me first so something COULD happen....gotcha. 2
Mistercash Posted June 19, 2014 Posted June 19, 2014 Aw man. She told you that she loves you but not in love with you? My ex told me something similar but she said she loves me with her mind and not her heart anymore. No matter how to cut it its still bull****. This is going to be tough to hear but do you know what she is in love with now? Thats right...Some other guy going balls deep inside of her. You old news now buddy. How do I know this? My ex lined up another guy before she could safely throw me to the curb. It hurts now but in the end, you will get the last laugh. Remember that.
Chi townD Posted June 19, 2014 Posted June 19, 2014 Aw man. She told you that she loves you but not in love with you? My ex told me something similar but she said she loves me with her mind and not her heart anymore. No matter how to cut it its still bull****. This is going to be tough to hear but do you know what she is in love with now? Thats right...Some other guy going balls deep inside of her. You old news now buddy. How do I know this? My ex lined up another guy before she could safely throw me to the curb. It hurts now but in the end, you will get the last laugh. Remember that. Yeah, I wouldn't have put it quite like that, but....he's right.
Author Panatana90 Posted June 19, 2014 Author Posted June 19, 2014 Sorry, but I know for a fact that she isn't seeing anyone else and hasn't been seeing anyone while we were going out.
PhillyConnection23 Posted June 19, 2014 Posted June 19, 2014 Sorry, but I know for a fact that she isn't seeing anyone else and hasn't been seeing anyone while we were going out. To be fair, my ex didn't say "I love you but I'm not in love with you." However 3 months ago when I posted my story everyone said she had someone else lined up. To this day, as far as I know, there is still no one else lined up or waiting on the sidelines to come out. The fact is that phrase is such a cliche and people use it all the time without realizing it.
Chi townD Posted June 19, 2014 Posted June 19, 2014 To be fair, my ex didn't say "I love you but I'm not in love with you." However 3 months ago when I posted my story everyone said she had someone else lined up. To this day, as far as I know, there is still no one else lined up or waiting on the sidelines to come out. The fact is that phrase is such a cliche and people use it all the time without realizing it. Nah dude, do your research. You can find thread after thread on this site and others where "ILYBINILWY" speech did involve a third person. Now, in my post, I stated 9/10 usually involved someone else. You might have been one of the lucky 10% this didn't apply to. And you even stated "as far as I know". So, you're not entirely sure yourself. So, I wouldn't call it cliche
ConfusedHumanBeing Posted June 19, 2014 Posted June 19, 2014 Sorry, but I know for a fact that she isn't seeing anyone else and hasn't been seeing anyone while we were going out. Mmmhmmmm... Haven't heard this before. OP, it's pretty clear what she is doing. No matter the reasons, the end result isnt with you, so it's none of youe business anyways.
somecamel Posted June 19, 2014 Posted June 19, 2014 Sorry, but I know for a fact that she isn't seeing anyone else and hasn't been seeing anyone while we were going out. It's called Denial:( You know nothing regarding her life anymore because you are not together anymore. I don't want to sound harsh and I promise you, you'll come back here 6 months down the line and read your posts and think, bloody hell they were right. Now stop contacting her and try and move on, I said try. The sooner you can say '**** you' the quicker you'll get to the next stage which is Anger. 2
Mistercash Posted June 19, 2014 Posted June 19, 2014 Last week, my girlfriend of four years broke up with me. I didn't see it coming at all and was left stunned. She said she had been "having doubts" about us for a few weeks and felt it wasn't fair to go on. She also said we were in a rut (which to be honest, we were in a bit of a rut). Naturally, I didn't take the news too well. I stormed away from her. She ran after me, in tears, begging to meet up in a few days. I didn't give an answer. The next day there was no contact from either of us, even though I did want to get more answers. However, the following day she called and asked if we could meet up and talk. So we did the next day. She looked like she had been crying a lot, and told me she hadn't stopped for two days. I told her that I felt she was giving up on us without a fight. If she had been having doubts, she could have told me and we could have worked through it together. If I'm honest, there were times when I felt we were in a rut and doubted if the spark was still there. But I got through it cos I knew I loved her. I gave her every ounce of love and energy and she did with me also. We helped each other through a lot, went on holidays, revealed everything about each other - and became best friends also. It was a truly wonderful relationship. But when we met, she said the doubts had actually been there for a few months, not weeks, and she couldn't do it any more. The doubts only "intensified" in the last few weeks. She said I was my usual 'amazing self' and that nothing probably would have eased her doubts. I said, "how do you know? You never told me or tried." She also made it clear she was not in love with anyone else and I believe her. She just seems very confused and in a bad place, because she's not thrilled with how work is going or her general direction in life. Maybe I'm in denial and in shock but a part of me feels like she's breaking up for all the wrong reasons. She did say a few times also "this could be the biggest mistake I'll ever make." She did also say she'd like to keep in contact and she'd be there for me at any time but I don't know if that's a good idea. Being 'friends' never works. She said she can't guarantee she won't contact me. I asked her was she in love with me any more, and she said no. That was like a knife right in the heart. As the conversation came to an end, she asked if she should leave and I said "do you want to?" and she replied with "no." But she did and we had one last (passionate) kiss and hug and that was it. Right now, I'm still crazy about her and want to get back together (naturally). But I can't help but feel she has big doubts she's doing the right thing, and that might mean there's still something 'there.' It has been about five days since that meeting, and there has been no contact. I have been told by family and friends to definitely not contact her. Also this may be irrelevant, but she still hasn't changed our relationship status on Facebook. Dunno if there's anything to that, but it still says we're together. Again, I could be just in denial about the break up. Any advice is welcome. Take a good look at the bolded part. What woman would drop an "amazing" guy only to have no one in the single life? The doubts only intensified in the last few weeks? Sounds like feelings are being caught and obviously they are not for you. I understand that sometimes people grow apart but I'm willing to bet another guy helped her drift away from you like a boat off the dock. She basically told you that you are an amazing but just not as amazing as this other guy she wants to blow. With my ex? I thought the same things as you until I saw the "other" guy come flying out of the trenches on the same day we broke up. Yeah it sucks to hear this but I've seen it happen far too often and what you wrote is littered with red flags. It happens to the best of us.
Griesfootball Posted June 19, 2014 Posted June 19, 2014 You should let things settle because both of your emotions will run high if you have a pattern of meeting then taking two days off. Try staying away from a few weeks at least and don't make those brash decisions I made to try to get somebody back because it makes it harder on both people
Chi townD Posted June 19, 2014 Posted June 19, 2014 (edited) Take a good look at the bolded part. What woman would drop an "amazing" guy only to have no one in the single life? Well, I wouldn't go strictly on this. She's dumping him and she might be trying to give him an ego boost with the "amazing" line. Which makes it worse. "Yeah, I'm an amazing guy, just not amazing enough for you." Stupid really. What would be more of a red flag for me is when she said she had doubts and those doubts intensified in the last few weeks. Well, what caused that to happened. What cause the rapid increase of doubt in the last few weeks. Edited June 19, 2014 by Chi townD
KatZee Posted June 19, 2014 Posted June 19, 2014 I've been on the sending and receiving end of this situation. I'm going to jump on the bandwagon and agree that there probably is a third party in the picture. Years ago when I was with one of my boyfriend's I was unhappy. I wound up meeting someone quite randomly and what occurred was an emotional affair. I broke up with my boyfriend and swore up and down to him that there was no one else. I felt horrible that it had happened and didn't want to hurt him further. He kept chasing me, begging me, pleading for another chance, and after a number of weeks after the breakup, he found out there in fact was another guy. My last boyfriend pulled this same thing on me. Dated for almost 3 years. He was unhappy where his life was going, unhappy with his job. He wanted to be single. There was no one else. He still loved me. He wanted to be friends. Promised me that he hadn't met anyone at all. 5 weeks later, what did I find out? There was another girl. He had left me for her. It didn't even last 30 days, but it was what it was. There almost ALWAYS is a third party, and the dumper is NEVER going to be honest about it. 1
kalanga1 Posted June 20, 2014 Posted June 20, 2014 (edited) Man, i can see myself in your story. I was also in a 4yr relation, that ended without warning (a month ago), and my ex said in my face that she stopped loving me months ago. I wont lie, things wont get easier as weeks pass, but im starting to lay off some "steam". Just think about yourself, you are more important than her. I know u will think about what-if's and should have's, but stop it. What's important now is to pick up good things from your relationship, and be a better person. If u get back together with her, u and her need to be different persons to make it work, your old self isnt enough. If u never get back to her, u will be better for another person. Im saying this to you, and i m saying this to myself. Also, its a bitc* if your ex or even my ex got a third party involved, but now, its none of our business, just let her/them "burn" in her decision ... She left you, her loss. Be better, be happier. Thats the way Edited June 20, 2014 by kalanga1
bubbaganoosh Posted June 20, 2014 Posted June 20, 2014 If your girlfriend said she isn't in love with you any longer, having doubts and in a rut, broke up with you, then why is she chasing you down the street crying, wanting to meet up in a few days and then when she does, tells you that she's been feeling like this for months. Maybe it's me but if it's over, the love is gone and I have been feeling that way for a long time, the I don't want to meet up in two days and rehash the same thing like she did. You should have never agreed to meet up. All that did was make things worse but that's water over the dam now. If it's me, I go no contact with everything, phone calls, text, face book and any other forms. What you need to do is heal and move on. I know, easier said then done but lots of others have been there and done that and they survived. You can too but you need no contact. Anything else and you lose and start from scratch again.
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