Stigma of men who have used escorts.

[carhill]

Yes this topic again...

 

I'm seriously considering hiring an escort. Lot of newbies here so I'll give a brief history of myslef. 32, first sexual exp at 19, lost V at 22 and have had sex once since. Due to crippling shyness (social anxiety) and massive insecurity I've never been good with women; my longest courtship was 5 weeks in which I was a rebound. I make horrible decisions in women by falling for control freaks (mommy issues).

 

That sounds like a separate issue to work, particularly the social anxiety part. IMO, work that and the rest will fall into place.

 

Anyway, I don't plan to make this a regular thing but since my sexual experiences are so few and far between (and not that good) I'm strongly considering hiring an escort. I think it will help with my confidence and sexual shame by having some real sex. Not to mention I'm horny as hell.

 

Men have been doing this throughout time and it is a perfectly legitimate vice. The remaining factor is legality. Some vices are legal and others aren't, depending on jurisdiction. If it's illegal where you intend to engage it, then consider that factor as well, and the stigma related to the commission of illegal acts. Again, men have been doing this, and far worse, illegal acts throughout time and still appear to mate, procreate and live productive lives. Your threshold is your own.

 

STD arguments aside my reasons for not doing it would be I know I'll feel guilty (but I know I'll get over it). I don't wan't to be one of "those guys" as I know a lot of women don't like this, which I respect. Being deal broken by potential partners is my biggest concern. Not that this topic will come up but if it does I'm not one for lying about it.

 

One suggestion: Live life by your own standards and with your own practices, rather than subjugating yourself to the opinions and judgments of others. They don't live your life. You do. If they choose to not associate with you, that's OK! If it is not your style to lie, don't!

 

I know I can get laid on my own, a la my previous exps and a handfull of blwon opportunities in the past but I'm very depressed right now. I don't feel like going through the courting process, I want a slam dunk, and I won't have my own for another few months. I think if I do this once to hold me over for a while will be good. Look how long I've gone without. Suggestions and opinions please.

 

Think it through, make a decision and go with it. From experience, though I didn't work with escorts, rather street prostitutes, I was immersed in their world for a goodly portion of my 20's while a virgin and watching other men get drive-by sex for a couple hours wages (for myself at the time) and never considered it an option, not in a bad way (meaning it was bad) but rather it didn't match up with my style of being with a woman, so I remained true to my standards and practices and accepted whatever ribbing those took from the males of my generation who did use prostitutes. They lived their lives; I lived mine.

 

Good luck with your decision.

[hotpotato]

Inquiring minds want to know, did op ever see a pro?

 

*popcorn*

[somedude81]

Well, if it's about the stigma, then I can tell you from experience how heartbreaking it is to think you are dating a nice guy and then finding out his recent past includes years of using prostitutes.

 

Utterly devastating. Lying about it is even worse, and this guy compounded the stigma by carefully crafting an image he didn't deserve. He was the opposite of the religious moral man he purported to be. So. Yeah, big stigma.

 

The stigma? A guy who uses a prostitute is ego centric , a loser with actual women, and has intimacy problems that preclude him from being in a relationship. He's seriously lacking in empathy. He has impulse control problems. He has no regard for others, and takes risks with his health, and the health of women. He is a selfish user, and treats women like they are worth nothing more than sex. He's probably diseased. Yuck . There's the stigma. What guy wants that?

 

I really don't know how I will ever trust a man again. Seriously. I doubt my own judgement. And I have lost faith that there are so many guys who think using a prostitute is acceptable. Even the guys who say they are against it could easily be lying to a woman they date, as I was lied to.

 

Just don't do it. Determining right from wrong is easy. Live with integrity, even if it is hard in the short term.

 

Wow, that's so extremely judgmental.

 

That right there guys, is why you should never admit to having sex with a hooker.

[ThaWholigan]

Inquiring minds want to know, did op ever see a pro?

 

*popcorn*

He did say he decided against it about a couple of pages back. I'd say it was a good idea, I'm not sure seeing a pro would have helped him at this point.

[Robert Z]

Well, if it's about the stigma, then I can tell you from experience how heartbreaking it is to think you are dating a nice guy and then finding out his recent past includes years of using prostitutes.

 

Utterly devastating. Lying about it is even worse, and this guy compounded the stigma by carefully crafting an image he didn't deserve. He was the opposite of the religious moral man he purported to be. So. Yeah, big stigma.

 

The stigma? A guy who uses a prostitute is ego centric , a loser with actual women, and has intimacy problems that preclude him from being in a relationship. He's seriously lacking in empathy. He has impulse control problems. He has no regard for others, and takes risks with his health, and the health of women. He is a selfish user, and treats women like they are worth nothing more than sex. He's probably diseased. Yuck . There's the stigma. What guy wants that?

 

I really don't know how I will ever trust a man again. Seriously. I doubt my own judgement. And I have lost faith that there are so many guys who think using a prostitute is acceptable. Even the guys who say they are against it could easily be lying to a woman they date, as I was lied to.

 

Just don't do it. Determining right from wrong is easy. Live with integrity, even if it is hard in the short term.

 

So your problem is with men in general. Maybe you are the problem.

[Robert Z]

And for that 99.999% of the customer base, women are exploited and harmed.

 

 

While the numbers for street prostitutes may be true, this is a complete fabrication.

[Robert Z]

If I found out a man had a history of regularly paying for sex outside of very limited situations (e.g., very young and in the military), I would question his ability to have a "normal" relationship with a woman. I would think that he viewed relationships as primarily transactions.

 

 

Have you considered that most men who see prostitutes have been or are married? How then can you draw this conclusion?

[notserene]

Have you considered that most men who see prostitutes have been or are married? How then can you draw this conclusion?

 

If they are married when they see prostitutes...they have some explaining to do to their wives. And I hope to high heaven they use condoms and get an STD test.

 

If they were married and aren't any longer, then I would wonder why they weren't married any more. If they claim that it was all due to their evil ex wife I would be suspicious.

 

Don't get me wrong. I don't think it should be illegal for two consenting adults to have this kind of arrangement if they see fit. I reserve the right to have an opinion about it if I were to be involved with someone. If I'm not involved... none of my business.

[Robert Z]

If they are married when they see prostitutes...they have some explaining to do to their wives. And I hope to high heaven they use condoms and get an STD test.

 

If they were married and aren't any longer, then I would wonder why they weren't married any more. If they claim that it was all due to their evil ex wife I would be suspicious.

 

Don't get me wrong. I don't think it should be illegal for two consenting adults to have this kind of arrangement if they see fit. I reserve the right to have an opinion about it if I were to be involved with someone. If I'm not involved... none of my business.

 

No, you just think any failed marriage is the man's fault. Gee, that isn't sexist, is it.

 

My wife started cutting me off on our wedding night. Suddenly she had a "medical problem" that made sex too painful. How do you manage to assign blame for that to me?

Edited July 13, 2014 by Robert Z

[notserene]

No, you just think any failed marriage is the man's fault. Gee, that isn't sexist, is it.

 

 

My wife started cutting me off on our wedding night. How do you manage to assign blame for that to me?

 

Um...no, I think it is the fault of both people. I thought it was pretty clear from my post. I think you are projecting here.

 

I feel bad for people in sexless marriages (of both sexes) but I have never been in one so I don't know what that's like.

 

Anyway, not really sure what this has to do with the thread.

[hotpotato]

No, you just think any failed marriage is the man's fault. Gee, that isn't sexist, is it.

 

My wife started cutting me off on our wedding night. Suddenly she had a "medical problem" that made sex too painful. How do you manage to assign blame for that to me?

 

And the amount of sex a man gets from his wife/gf often has very little to do with whether or not he sees a pro. We need to be honest, sometimes a man just wants to have sex with another woman. There are plenty of men who are having regular sex but still see a pro.

 

Maybe if the stigma is lifted, men can be more honest.

[SmartDude]

Well lets start of with me as an example of a real world situation. My views are different and others may not approve, I am fine with that.

 

The type of women I am attracted to tend to have had at least one phase in their life were they were very sexual and exploring men. They also have other interests like art or music that takes up a good deal of their attention and time. I am attracted to "artsy" free spirited women. This is my type.

 

My last really significant long term relationship was with a woman who had a very colourful sexual history. She even tried being an escort once(and hated it). I had told her of the times I visited a few working ladies, and of my experiences. Having this conversation was a non-issue for us. The conversation was so neutral it was almost funny...Like we were talking about a favourite TV show or something:p

 

She was also allowed to spend time alone hanging out with male friends, doing things together. I encouraged her in fact. I did not want her to feel the pain that her last BF's jealousy caused her. I knew that she might have sex with them, yes it was on my mind at times. What mattered more that I was the one that she wanted to come home to. As long as I had that, there was no reason(for me) to focus on if she was having sex outside the relationship or not.

 

So in summary, yes I have partaken in sex for pay. Yes the woman I was in a relationship with at the time knew about it. What happened because of it? A big fat nothing! We later broke up because of arguments about money, turning off the light when you leave the kitchen, The proper way to air out the house when you burn your food and other nonsense:eek:

Edited July 13, 2014 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[Priv]

I honestly fail to see the difference between having casual sex as in an ons or fwb or visiting a prostitute. Sure, the mechanics are different but it is all an act of lust without love. From the clients side that is. Anyone having participated in any of the above I would find hypocritical to judge someone having used escorts. And I never did, well, I did with the friend who was about to be married for obvious reasons but not when he was single.

 

 

Having done my masters thesis on human trafficking and shadow economies in western europe noone has to tell me how cruel that world can be. I can also see that other peoples experiences differ as most if not all of the research has been done on street prostitution, not high(er) class escorts. But another reason I would not do it.

 

 

Thing is, the world is a cruel place. I don't judge you for drinking your morning coffee, knowing full well entire regions are being displaced and/or being forced into poverty so your coffee is 10cent cheaper. Or the gas you put into your car, probably the reason of about 80% of conflicts since the cold war in the name of energy security. All of us consume our little pleasantries without thinking about the bigger picture.

 

And none of it is evil perse. A global corporation (and sadly, the analogy can be made for human traffickers) has to stay competitive to stay afloat, and energy security is a very real issue if you don't want a failed state now or in the near future. And the protitutes clients, they are just horny. A very basic human need. Same as the woman looking for an ons at the bar or also visiting a prostitute.

 

 

Point being if there is one. Don't judge the consumer, especially if you are one yourself (in this case casual sex) but do be critical of the system. Though I think everyone has the right to let those ones in that are compatible with there values, so don't lie about it and live that 'past is the past' crock.

 

 

End of my semi intellectual, semi drunk rant.

[somedude81]

I honestly fail to see the difference between having casual sex as in an ons or fwb or visiting a prostitute. Sure, the mechanics are different but it is all an act of lust without love. From the clients side that is. Anyone having participated in any of the above I would find hypocritical to judge someone having used escorts.

That's exactly what I think.

 

Sleeping with hookers is the same thing as engaging in casual sex or having ONS.

 

It's ridiculous for a woman to be fine with a guy who has casual sex, and have an issue with a guy who pays for sex.

 

Likewise, I think it's hypocritical for a woman to have a problem with guys who have sex with hookers when she herself does the casual sex thing. At least hookers get paid