What exactly happened here? LDR issues

[Niko 2021]

Before I start, I'd like to thank you for reading this, if i type a lot, I'll try to keep interesting for you. This is my first time posting in a relationship forum, because therapy is too expensive

 

To keep things short - here's a little background on us. We met online through a friend on an instant messenger in Jan of 2010. We clicked, and 4 months later I was on a plane to see her in VA, (I'm from Los Angeles). Things went amazingly well. We were truly in love. A few months after that trip, i went to see her again, and again. I was 19, she was 20. We would talk about marriage, our future, etc. A year later, we ended up moving in together in Florida attending the same college. We lived together for 3 years, and things were good, but we did have bad times, a lot of arguing, which escalated as time went on. Maybe we were too young and immature to live together. I definitely could have done a better job of not letting our relationship go downhill, it was immaturity on my part.

 

Approaching graduation day, I could feel her getting colder towards me, but at the time I didn't pay much attention. After graduation, I went back to CA with the intent of spending a few months back with family (summer 2013). That's when things got bad; she flipped completely. She went completely cold towards me, hardly any contact, and if we did have contact, it would be initiated by me. I would occasionally ask to webcam, and after a few minutes, out of nowhere, she would just completely flip and start yelling and insulting me, this would happen every time we chatted. It was like she became a different person in a split second. I would confront her about it, where she would respond by saying she's a cold hearted "B" word, and that she's broken inside. Whenever I would calmly bring up our relationship issues, she would say that I am the girl in this relationship, which pretty much made me feel emasculated. So I stopped the confrontation. After her "episodes" were over, she would text me saying she still loves me and sorry she's "broken". I suggested that if she has a mental disorder that we can get help for her, a couple people in her family do suffer from depression. She responded by saying she's scared of doctors. But I started to miss her and honestly starting losing my mind. I told her I would come back to Florida and help fix things, so I immediately bought a ticket back to her. She said that it may not fix things, and to wait until she feels better, and told me to return the ticket. Well a few months past, things did not get any better. Still completely cold and heartless, saying she doesn't know how to feel anymore, with no idea why.

 

In september 2013 I got my first accounting job, low paying, but I was a new grad. I saved enough money to see her in November thinking it would help. But it didn't. At this point she's all i think about and I just want things to go back to how they were. I visited her twice more in Feb and April of 2014 (spendings lots of money I know). At this point she is less hostile towards me, but still very distant. We would barely kiss, hold hands, etc. All LDR communication from Jan to May were just through a few texts a day and a few webcam sessions.

 

May 2014 - I got a better accounting job, making a better wage, the type of job I wanted while attending college. And still, my mind is flustered and feels like stuck in between two places, Los Angeles and Florida. And to this day, all I want is to just be back in Florida with her. We still barely text, she doesn't ask to webcam, so communication is great. Not a day goes by where I would think about just leaving my good job and family just to be with her in Florida, knowing the job market in Florida for professionals is horrible. I have confided in many people but I have gotten nowhere. This situation has been driving me insane, I am still in love with her, and I did mention that she could move to LA to be with me, but she would just shrug it off.

 

Her mom and dad divorced when she was a baby, and her mom hasn't dated anyone since, over 20 years of being alone. I wonder if she is the same way. She's a very independent person. So where I'm at now: Over a year since her change of heart, and the only reason we're technically together is because I'm still holding on, for over a year now mind you. It hurts me everyday, and I feel like if I had let her go last year, I would've been better off today. My mind is completely uneasy because I am not feeling settled in CA, I feel that I have left something in Florida. I would ask her if she'd rather be friends or just call the relationship off, but she would say she still wants to be together. To save myself, I may have to let her go, and I only hope that I have the strength to do so, as a last resort of course.

 

Thanks in advance.

Edited June 19, 2014 by Niko 2021

[GoBlue]

I am sorry for your broken heart and conflicted emotions. I have one simple question for you - do you really think that moving to Florida would change anything? You stated that the only reason you are together is because you are "holding on". That, my friend, is not a relationship, not one worthy of marriage anyway. For future reference please know that couples who cohabitate before marriage have a higher divorce rate, have a higher instance of spousal abuse, and have less marital satisfaction. What do you want in a spouse? Do you think this relationship fits the bill?

[Niko 2021]

Thanks for the reply. And no, I did not know that couples that live together before marriage are more at risk for all of those things, but I do see it now when looking at other relationships. I certainly am in denial about my situation with her. And maybe I am in love with Florida as well, so maybe I'm viewing it as a "group package" where I get Florida, traveling, and her, all at the same time. And it is very very wrong to think like that, I know. And I lean more towards not trusting her. On paper (laptop screen) it seems like a clear decision on what has to be done, but it's easier said than done. I certainly cannot live like this everyday, I shouldn't have in the first place.

[justwhoiam]

Why is she still in FL? Didn't she graduate? Is she planning to go back to VA?

[Niko 2021]

She lives in florida, she has an office assistant job, which doesn't really pay too well, but it's semi-livable. I lost all of my confidence and I'm trying to get it back, maybe that's the issue deep down. It's not an issue with her being cold and heartless anymore, perhaps it is a confidence issue with me and being able to move on?

[GoBlue]

I understand the emotional struggle involved when you let a relationship go. When I was in my late teens and early twenties, I truly doubted I would ever meet someone whom I would want to marry. Hang in there and continue to get the input of people in your life who love and care for you. Marriage is the second most important decision you will ever make (the first - in my own humble opinion - is what you decide to do with the spiritual claims of Jesus) and you cannot afford to walk into it casually or in turmoil. My thoughts and prayers are with you.

[Niko 2021]

Maybe I just need to hear this from someone else, if I do end up going back to Florida to be with her, what do you think would most likely happen?

[justwhoiam]

You'd struggle to get a decent job and regret leaving your current position?

Then there would be tension and friction between you two. And she would get out of love completely, aka check out of the relationship (if she hasn't already).

[K Os]

It hurts me everyday, and I feel like if I had let her go last year, I would've been better off today.

 

So, where do you think you'll be a year from now? And where would you like to be a year from now? I sincerely wish you all the best, it sounds as if you have some of the answers for yourself.

[Niko 2021]

Thanks for the replies, and yes, I see what you're saying, I'm likely going to have to rip the band-aid off eventually and feel the pain. My mind is so flustered right now, what will the next steps likely be? She doesn't want to deal with anything emotional, I've been thinking of ways to effectively communicate with her about our issues without her having her episodes. I do think that NC will be necessary. It is going to be hard, this girl has helped me through college, emotionally, financially, and educationally. The thing that stumps me, is that even though we may have had issues. I mean yes we did fight and argue, and things got out of hand with the stress of college, but nothing that couldn't be resolved. Can she just fall out of love for no valid reason? I feel like it would be easier for me to let this go there was good enough reason, maybe I have to create my own sense of closure?

Edited June 25, 2014 by Niko 2021