Lernaean_Hydra Posted June 19, 2014 Posted June 19, 2014 Recently the my first real ex, the guy who took my virginity a couple years ago found me on social media. When we first met I was shy, extremely overweight, insecure, etc. Yet he pursued me, told me I was beautiful, perfect and so on. Towards the end however, he was cruel to me, made me feel bad about my weight, constantly criticized me and eventually broke up with me after weeks of arguments and harsh words. The way he treated me still has affects how I view relationships to this day. I'm cold and distrustful towards everyone. It took me years to have sex with anyone else after him and even then I was so insecure I didn't enjoy it. But at present, I've done a complete 180 for the most part. I've dropped 100+lbs since then and underwent a complete attitude change. I'm confident, dress well, am pretty outgoing and popular, etc. But no matter what, there are still times when what he said to me rings in my ear and makes me want to cringe myself into a coma. Nevertheless, he's seen a little bit of the new me and decided to go around liking my pictures and messaging me etc. We've recently begun texting back and forth and he's asked me out "just to catch up". For years I played out this fantasy in my head where I'd just happen to run into him and his jaw would drop but now I have the opportunity to make that dream a reality. However I feel a lot of bitterness toward him and have no desire to even be friends. Yet I can't stop myself from talking to him and pretending like I am just as interested in 'catching up' as he is. I am THIS close to setting a specific day and time for us to meet. My question is, should I say yes to the date even if it's only to flaunt my new body and prove some asinine point to myself or do I just ignore him from now on and let it go?
Kid_Charlemange Posted June 19, 2014 Posted June 19, 2014 I dunno. That sounds unhealthy. If you had any interest in rekindling anything, I'd say sure, why not? But out of spite? That seems a bit off. Then again, it might give you some closure, which could be healthy. Hmm.. 1
Author Lernaean_Hydra Posted June 20, 2014 Author Posted June 20, 2014 I dunno. That sounds unhealthy. If you had any interest in rekindling anything, I'd say sure, why not? But out of spite? That seems a bit off. Then again, it might give you some closure, which could be healthy. Hmm.. Ha, well looks like we're right back where we started then! I'm still undecided and very much torn. It feels on healthy on many levels but then it also feels like there's this chapter that hasn't quite yet been finished. Ugh. I don't know.
Snagglepuss89 Posted June 20, 2014 Posted June 20, 2014 Revenge is never a healthy reason to do anything. Be the better person here, they mistreated you in the past. Their jaw dropping shouldn't mean anything to you, your time would be better spent making his opinions, past or present, mean nothing. You're leading someone on here; doing so for any reason regardless of past interaction is wrong. You know this is not a nice thing to do, and you'll just feel guilty about doing it afterwards once he realizes you're just playing with him. Focus on silencing that voice of his in your head and making his opinions worth nothing to you. You've come a long way towards being healthy physically and mentally. Don't go through with this act, it's petty. You're better than that.
Kid_Charlemange Posted June 20, 2014 Posted June 20, 2014 Ha, well looks like we're right back where we started then! I'm still undecided and very much torn. It feels on healthy on many levels but then it also feels like there's this chapter that hasn't quite yet been finished. Ugh. I don't know. This stuck in my head yesterday. Weird. Here's what I'd do: Arrange one meeting. Something casual, like coffee in the afternoon. Keep it short. Let him see you, and how chill you are. After 15 minutes, look at your phone and say "Oh my, I have to go. Well, nice catching up with you." And leave. That's it. 15 minutes. You get a little closure, but don't rub it in. Don't saying anything mean. Nothing bitter, no "well you had your chance." If he tries to say "Hey can we get together again?" say "I'm not sure that's a good idea." If he insists, tell him you're seeing someone. Cut it off after the coffee "date." No need to twist the knife. If he contacts you again, ignore it. This is a one-shot deal. This guy is still in your head, and maybe this will help get him out of there. At least, that's what I'd do. Of course, I'm a loon, so... 1
GorillaTheater Posted June 20, 2014 Posted June 20, 2014 I wouldn't meet with him. You've let him have too much rent-free space in your head since the break-up, and now you're letting him have even more. In a sense, you still want his validation, and it's not good or healthy for you. I can tell just from your posts that you're smart and cool. You don't need anything from him to confirm that. Unhook whatever emotional hose is left and live life well. And kick this doucherocket the hell out of your head. 6
Yasuandio Posted June 21, 2014 Posted June 21, 2014 This stuck in my head yesterday. Weird. Here's what I'd do: Arrange one meeting. Something casual, like coffee in the afternoon. Keep it short. Let him see you, and how chill you are. After 15 minutes, look at your phone and say "Oh my, I have to go. Well, nice catching up with you." And leave. That's it. 15 minutes. You get a little closure, but don't rub it in. Don't saying anything mean. Nothing bitter, no "well you had your chance." If he tries to say "Hey can we get together again?" say "I'm not sure that's a good idea." If he insists, tell him you're seeing someone. Cut it off after the coffee "date." No need to twist the knife. If he contacts you again, ignore it. This is a one-shot deal. This guy is still in your head, and maybe this will help get him out of there. At least, that's what I'd do. Of course, I'm a loon, so... Ok, let's say you did this phoney coffee date thing. First of all, it's gonna come off phoney - cause it is phoney. How convienent - you get call, you suddenly have to go, whilst announcing you are seeing someone - so you cannot meet him again, then - you won't take a call from him again? Well - if you were seeing someone, and that prevented you from meeting him in the future, they how were you able to met him at that coffee meeting? Ding-ding-ding! Alright - let's say this is a nethod for you to have "well-deserved" closure. So, you will, according to this plan, get said closure by ostensibly meeting him for coffee - he'll be attracted to you, especially when you must suddenly leave. Then you give him the "Big Wammo" about seeing someone else - blah, blah. So then - your ego is temporarily boosted - ergo, that is supposed to be closure? I don't think so. I recommend you read Taramaiden's 2014 NC article where she explaines that "closure comes from within - like vomit." Following the "closure" after the coffee, (bearing in mind Tara's statement regarding closure), I ask you to think how you will feel after this event, and what would likely be going through your mind. As Tara further explains, any types of external attempts at closure simply raise more questions. For example, if I had I pulled off a coffee date as we are discussing, I'd be wondering what the guy thought. I be curious - is he going to call me? Since you still seem to be having unresolved hurt feelings and perhaps som residual anger towards this man - how would you feel if the phoney coffee date had no effect whatsoever, and you got no response, call, text, never heard from him again? Would you really feel a sense of closure? Or would that drive you nuts? If I were in your shoes - I'd be wondering, how could he not resist calling me after seeing how much more attractive, popular and "hard to get" I am? It is exactly like Tara says, one last meeting, one last letter, one last phone call to explain - just to get closure - all those things do is raise more questions that "seem" to need more closure. That said -- my read of your post, especially the title - indicate to me you are very angry and want to even the score - although you are a very nice person. You are not the type to key his car or do something evil. You're looking for some emotional justice - you will not find it in "revenge" or any other tactic that is hiding a motive of revenge. As Tara states, your closure (healing) must come from within. This will take absolute NC, period. You must never grace this azzhole with your lovely spirit again - he does not deserve you. I will end my comment with another point, biblical in nature - "Vengence is For God.". I understand how you feel. I have wanted to do far worse than you can ever imagine. My minister said this statement to me - and it helped me understand, even though I am not much into the Bible. Take care, young lady. Yas
aprilisi Posted June 21, 2014 Posted June 21, 2014 No, you're better than that now. No need to have revenge. You looking good and him knowing he'll never have you is revenge enough. Let him see how happy you are in your life. You might have changed but douchebags rarely do. He would probably still treat you like crap, just a skinnier piece of crap. I've lost 90 ibs myself, so I speak from experience. 1
Scales Posted June 22, 2014 Posted June 22, 2014 Don't listen to these people, revenge is only unhealthy if you are breaking the law (aka assault or property damage). Emotional revenge is quite healthy as it offers closure. You clearly have had problems dealing with the relationship even years later. Issues do not linger if they have been eventually closed. You should indeed meet with him and tease him all you want, or sit him down and say calmly all the things you dislike about what he said and how it made you feel. Do not feel guilty for wanting revenge. People who would claim that is an immature or childish feeling are often the ones holding a bottle of rage they can never let go of. There is no "space" justice, no karma, no comes around goes around. You express yourself and handle your own issues accordingly. If someone disrespected you in the past and you suddenly gain the upper hand, you use it. You not only feel great but be able to move past the issue while gaining the best sleep of your life. Promise. 1
Noproblem Posted June 22, 2014 Posted June 22, 2014 Oh well, this road is dangerous, you will end up getting hurt. My only advice is to agree on going out on a date with him to a nice restaurant ... he goes and wait for you and you never show up. Then when he sends you a text saying where are you...Reply with a text message saying ...... "Did you really think I will ever go out with someone like you again?" That's it and then block him everywhere ...Every where ...Don't wait for his stupid cruel reply ..You won't get an apology from such person, he will never change ..So just block him everywhere. No more talking, no more you hurt me oh no no ...no insult words or lol or anything ...Just that simple sentence ....and then block him forever... You are a different person now and you deserve a better person' This pain will never go away, but it won't hurt like before... 2
gaius Posted June 25, 2014 Posted June 25, 2014 It's pointless to fight against urges like that when you get them. Might as well just play it out and see where it goes. I had a girl I thought broke up with me for financial reasons come sniffing around again a while back and I offered to fly her and a friend out for a bit of a vacation just to show her how things had changed and she ended up ignoring me. If you stick around with him long enough you might find out his lack of validation didn't have as much to do with your weight as you thought. Which would be good for you at the end of the day. 2
preraph Posted June 25, 2014 Posted June 25, 2014 I understand the temptation but I just think you should know that just because you are thinner now probably won't stop a person with the habit of being critical from criticizing you eventually. He sounds like an unhealthy choice. It's nice he thought you were attractive at first, but it's not nice that he later used your looks against you. I feel he would find something to be critical about the first opportunity. A better plan might be to post a nice current photo of yourself where he'll see it and say a cordial "No thanks, too busy" to his invitation!
FitChick Posted June 25, 2014 Posted June 25, 2014 I wouldn't waste the time. Let him continue to see your pics and how you look and that your life is great without him. There's an old expression: Living well is the best revenge. 1
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