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I feel guilty and depressed over how I treated my ex. How do I redeem myself?

lovestruck55

By lovestruck55
in Breaks and Breaking Up

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Chi townD Established Member

Chi townD

Posted
Posted (edited)

Look, my posts might come across as harsh to you. I realize that. But, I NEED to stress the importance of leaving him alone. Because, I've been where your Ex is. I know how it feels. And I'm not bashing on you as a person. I'm bashing on what you are contemplating on doing to your Ex. IT IS A BAD IDEA! You may have the best intentions, but it's not what's best for him. You are going to fill him up with so many questions and it might lead to him clinging to false hope again. It might stir up feelings for you again.

 

 

I mean, you already wrote that you two are still instagram and Facebook friends and he might like a pic or a status update every now and then. Okay, that's baby steps for him. And that might be the only civility you receive from him. Okay, just embrace that and leave the rest alone.

 

 

Explaining what happened isn't going to make him feel better. Basically, you're just going to remind him of why the relationship failed. "I'm sorry this happened. But, this didn't happen, and that didn't happen...you weren't taking care of yourself...your health was going bad and you didn't do anything about it and I couldn't stand around and watch you fall apart.....blah....blah..." I mean, what different things could you tell him other than that? So, basically it's a reminder of what he lost and it will put him back to square one. You could revert him back to his anger phase. In the healing process, you get to a stage of anger over your Ex. The main goal of healing is getting to a point of indifference, but there is an anger stage. If you start talking to him, it might revert him back. He might say some evil and vile things to you because he wants you to feel the amount of pain you put him through. He might not intentionally do it, but it could happen.

 

 

You could try to boost his ego by telling him he's a great guy and any girl would be lucky to have him. He's funny, caring and loving....blah...blah...blah... But, he's not going to believe you because if he was all of these things, then why aren't you with him? See, you can't win.

 

 

Look, even with the most civil break up in the world, someone always gets hurt at some level.

 

 

You're carrying some guilt. Well, your actions have consequences, and that is a burden that you're going to have to carry. Learn from it and remember is as something NOT to do when ending a relationship.

 

 

You're Ex is going to be fine. Just start believing it.

Edited by Chi townD
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lovestruck55 Member

lovestruck55

Posted
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Posted

I thank each and everyone of you for responding, and helping me out with the situation. I thought I'd update all of you in regards to what happen.

 

My ex and I had a mutual friend who I still speak to. The other day, I told her how sh*tty I was feeling and how I really wanted to redeem myself - but like all of you, she told me to let go of it as well. I didn't message him, HOWEVER, the mutual friend of ours ended up telling my ex how I was feeling.

 

Anyway, my ex hasn't made any contact. That said, if you guys recall I did state that he was on my Facebook and Instagram.

 

As a result of this, today my ex posted a picture of something that was related to my relationship with him. That mutual friend of ours, and he then proceeded to mock and make fun of me and my past-relationship with him. They joked about how *good* he was feeling after knowing that I felt remorseful/sh*tty for my behavior. Anyway, that mutual friend turned out to be evil, and though I was a b*tch to my ex in the past - he stooped down to a level that was very unnecessary and immature. I genuinely wanted to do this out of care for him, but it seems like everyone is fake and has their own motives.

 

I don't regret my decision for leaving him AT ALL. And to be quite honest, all my feelings of sadness and guilt have been eradicated. A man like him did not even deserve that apology.

 

But I'm glad he pulled off that immature act because now I have NOTHING to feel guilty about for the rest of my life, and the speck of care that I had left for him will vanish very soon as well.

Ordinaryday Established Member

Ordinaryday

Posted
Posted
I thank each and everyone of you for responding, and helping me out with the situation. I thought I'd update all of you in regards to what happen.

 

My ex and I had a mutual friend who I still speak to. The other day, I told her how sh*tty I was feeling and how I really wanted to redeem myself - but like all of you, she told me to let go of it as well. I didn't message him, HOWEVER, the mutual friend of ours ended up telling my ex how I was feeling.

 

Anyway, my ex hasn't made any contact. That said, if you guys recall I did state that he was on my Facebook and Instagram.

 

As a result of this, today my ex posted a picture of something that was related to my relationship with him. That mutual friend of ours, and he then proceeded to mock and make fun of me and my past-relationship with him. They joked about how *good* he was feeling after knowing that I felt remorseful/sh*tty for my behavior. Anyway, that mutual friend turned out to be evil, and though I was a b*tch to my ex in the past - he stooped down to a level that was very unnecessary and immature. I genuinely wanted to do this out of care for him, but it seems like everyone is fake and has their own motives.

 

I don't regret my decision for leaving him AT ALL. And to be quite honest, all my feelings of sadness and guilt have been eradicated. A man like him did not even deserve that apology.

 

But I'm glad he pulled off that immature act because now I have NOTHING to feel guilty about for the rest of my life, and the speck of care that I had left for him will vanish very soon as well.

 

I'm sorry, did I seriously just read that? you seem to have a sense of entitlement, your ex does not owe you anything. he does not owe it to you to accept your apology, the only thing he is required to do is what is best for him.

 

you left him for another guy and broke his heart and now you are calling him evil for having a low opinion of you because of it? seriously, I am not trying to be rude, but listen to yourself and try to imagine how what you are writing would sound like if you read it from someone else.

 

if you just left him alone to begin with, as people advised here, none of this woulds have happened. sometimes the best action is inaction/.

April Moon Established Member

April Moon

Posted
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Unfortunately with time, some dumpers can become bitter as a coping method. That is why NC is the best. I am glad you can put this behind you and move on. (Btw I never discuss my relationship with mutual friends because typically the MF plays both sides. They are typically closest to one of the two in the relationship)

Ordinaryday Established Member

Ordinaryday

Posted
Posted
Unfortunately with time, some dumpers can become bitter as a coping method. That is why NC is the best. I am glad you can put this behind you and move on. (Btw I never discuss my relationship with mutual friends because typically the MF plays both sides. They are typically closest to one of the two in the relationship)

 

IT IS OKAY for the dumpee to hate the dumper. THEY HAVE THAT RIGHT.

 

I have seen quite a few posts on this board from dumpers saying things like "my ex, the dumpee, thinks I cheated on him and I didnt, I broke up with him for a different reason.... should I contact him to let him know I never cheated on him? I think he deserves that"

 

and the answer is always the same.

 

if you are not with him anymore and dont want to be with him ever again THEN WHAT DOES IT MATTER WHAT THE DUMPEE THINKS??? If hating you helps them get over you quicker and move on with their life THEN WHY NOT LET THEM DO THAT? Why try to interfere with their life just to ensure that they don't hate you? if hating you allows them to move on with their life.... why not JUST LET THEM HATE YOU?

 

I have seen some dumpers say it is cos they can't stand the idea of being hated... so they would prefer to contact the dumpee and hurt them and possibly set the dumpees progress way back and bring up old painful memories... just to ensure that the dumpee doesn't hate someone who gave up on them and walked out of their life.

 

I think that is a pretty selfish thing to do.

April Moon Established Member

April Moon

Posted
Posted
IT IS OKAY for the dumpee to hate the dumper. THEY HAVE THAT RIGHT.

 

I have seen quite a few posts on this board from dumpers saying things like "my ex, the dumpee, thinks I cheated on him and I didnt, I broke up with him for a different reason.... should I contact him to let him know I never cheated on him? I think he deserves that"

 

and the answer is always the same.

 

if you are not with him anymore and dont want to be with him ever again THEN WHAT DOES IT MATTER WHAT THE DUMPEE THINKS??? If hating you helps them get over you quicker and move on with their life THEN WHY NOT LET THEM DO THAT? Why try to interfere with their life just to ensure that they don't hate you? if hating you allows them to move on with their life.... why not JUST LET THEM HATE YOU?

 

I have seen some dumpers say it is cos they can't stand the idea of being hated... so they would prefer to contact the dumpee and hurt them and possibly set the dumpees progress way back and bring up old painful memories... just to ensure that the dumpee doesn't hate someone who gave up on them and walked out of their life.

 

I think that is a pretty selfish thing to do.

 

 

Woah woah!! I didn't mean to start something. I'm a dumpee who hates their dumper. I told the OP multiple times on this thread not to make contact because it was selfish. I was just trying to help her see the lesson learned. Do I agree with what she did? No. But she came here for support and I gave her what I thought was a fair answer.

Ordinaryday Established Member

Ordinaryday

Posted
Posted
Woah woah!! I didn't mean to start something. I'm a dumpee who hates their dumper. I told the OP multiple times on this thread not to make contact because it was selfish. I was just trying to help her see the lesson learned. Do I agree with what she did? No. But she came here for support and I gave her what I thought was a fair answer.

 

I wasn't trying to 'start' something :) I agreed with what you said, I was speaking more generally, not directly to you :)

 

Obviously not all dumpers are like this but some dumpers have this attitude that they 'own' the dumpee and have the right to barge back into the dumpee's life whenever they feel like it. when they dumped them they effectively gave up that right and they should respect that.

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Allumere Established Member

Allumere

Posted
Posted

Understand that it is a common reaction of dumpees to feel vindicated. The thought process is simple. For all the pain and suffering, the dumper deserves to feel guilt, remorse, sadness etc. Honestly to play it that way makes them no better than the dumper but having always been the dumpee I get it!!! That said circumstance for the breakup makes the difference. My ex-husband...well until I got to the point of forgiveness (it took almost 6 years) I had some pretty bad wishes for him. My other ex-boyfriends I didn't ..and trust me, I was hurt (and I am still heartbroken from the most recent one). The first one, well things just worked out and we are friends, the second who broke up with me in a horrible way over with poor explanation did contact me after a year and we meet in person and he apologized. Sure, he reached out because he felt guilty and it weighed on him but IMHO it took some balls and reflection to go beyond just feeling guilt and doing something about it. Personally, I appreciated the effort and sitting down and talking with him lifted a rock off of me.

 

Take his actions as nothing more than him continuing to work through his hurt and anger over the situation. You said what you needed to say so it is done. Simply close this door and move on.

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April Moon Established Member

April Moon

Posted
Posted
I wasn't trying to 'start' something :) I agreed with what you said, I was speaking more generally, not directly to you :)

 

Obviously not all dumpers are like this but some dumpers have this attitude that they 'own' the dumpee and have the right to barge back into the dumpee's life whenever they feel like it. when they dumped them they effectively gave up that right and they should respect that.

 

 

I agree with this to an extent. I believe this is the case most of the time but there is that small percentage it doesn't work for. For me personally, would I appreciate my dumper coming back into my life? No, it is something I dread. However, I think some dumpers and dumpees have a relationship were coming back into each other's lives would be acceptable. Ex. If the dumper dumped the dumpee because they were living a bad lifestyle. The dumpee uses this as a wake up call and appreciates this wake up call. In a way this could describe part of the OP's situation. However, I felt the OP's situation would be better with NC because the dumpee didn't engage her in convo.

Ordinaryday Established Member

Ordinaryday

Posted
Posted
I agree with this to an extent. I believe this is the case most of the time but there is that small percentage it doesn't work for. For me personally, would I appreciate my dumper coming back into my life? No, it is something I dread. However, I think some dumpers and dumpees have a relationship were coming back into each other's lives would be acceptable. Ex. If the dumper dumped the dumpee because they were living a bad lifestyle. The dumpee uses this as a wake up call and appreciates this wake up call. In a way this could describe part of the OP's situation. However, I felt the OP's situation would be better with NC because the dumpee didn't engage her in convo.

 

some dumpers get it, some don't. one of my dumpers, I said to her "this dumping is final! I never want to hear from you again! Please don't contact me under any circumstances, none whatsoever!" and they PROMISED ME they would leave me alone for good.

 

and then six months later, on my birthday, I got a text from them basically saying "happy birthday! hope you are well, I still think about you, good luck with everything!" and all I could think was "WHY would she sent this when I made it abundantly clear 'DON'T CONTACT ME'. Why would she so blatantly disregard my wishes'?

 

I asked a friend and he told me 'it is because she feels guilty about hurting you and by sending you this text she can convince herself she did right by you and her guilt will go away. it is about her, not you' and after he explained it it seemed SO OBVIOUS!

 

this was my introduction to the world of breadcrumbs!

Chi townD Established Member

Chi townD

Posted
Posted

Lets see, I told you to leave it alone, you didn't. I told you that he might want to hurt you to make you see the amount of pain you've put him through, and that happened.

 

 

Now, you say that you could care less about him and that you don't care what you've done to him in the past. Basically, giving yourself permission to forgive past behaviors because you've discovered that he's was still butt hurt over what you did to him.

 

But, here's the rub, you did him wrong in the past; that happened. Learn from it.

 

 

Now, let sleeping dogs lie.

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bflowers85 Member

bflowers85

Posted
Posted

Reach out only if you wsnt s chance at the relationship. I'd only want my ex to contact me if it was about fixing the relationship. otherwise it'll just reopen old wounds.

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JahnJahn Established Member

JahnJahn

Posted
Posted

Like many said, you only did this for yourself. You proved it in your post as well.

 

You did not want to apologise for his sake or out of care for him, which again you contradicted in your update post. Your apology truly means nothing to him other than more hurt. You should have just left it alone and continue living your life with your BF.

 

If something so small could make you hate him and such, then what did you expect him to feel when you dumped him? Did you think it was going to be all good and you could just walk back to him and apologise for breaking his heart? Seriously?

 

But if this helps you move on or what ever and live your life guilt free then good for you.

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