I feel guilty and depressed over how I treated my ex. How do I redeem myself?

[HeartbrokenNewbie]

Yes I agree a lot of people arent compatible which you usually find out within the first few months yes this is the time to walk away but when you have made it through 4 years then its more than likely just stuck in a rut x

[lovestruck55]

I think everyone is assuming that I have a bad relationship with my current boyfriend, and therefore now that I've realized the "grass isn't greener" - I'm deviating back to my ex. Actually, in the 10 months I've been with my current boyfriend, we've had NUMEROUS ups and downs. And throughout those downhill moments, I've not ONCE missed my ex-boyfriend or felt that the grass isn't greener (if that is the case). My current boyfriend and I have had several misunderstandings in the past, but now we've come to the point where we're very happy with each other. In fact, I don't think anyone has treated me as well as how my current boyfriend treats me.

 

Apart from that, during my 4 year relationship with my ex. I broke up with him 2 times. Once, I broke up with him at the 2 year mark (and there was NO other guy in the picture.) I broke up with him because he was making ZERO effort to take care of his health, he was a chain smoker who continued his unhealthy habits despite having insulin dependent diabetes, and having seizures. NO, I didn't leave him because I didn't want to be with a sick person. But I left him because HE wasn't taking the initiative to develop healthy habits to fix his already deteriorating health at the age of 21-22. After one month of no-contact, however, we ended up getting back together. I felt guilty for leaving him, and he promised to better his health habits. Following that, we stayed together for 2 more years. These years were great in terms of memories, and such, however, the health issue was always an underlying problem. Also, I felt like the more we got to know each other the more we realized how different we were. Things between our relationship were shaky LONG before my current boyfriend came into the picture.

 

Nevertheless, I still do feel guilty for jumping the gun with my current boyfriend so fast. But I've genuinely never felt THAT strongly for anyone before - and I do still consider my current boyfriend to be the one. That said, I feel sh*tty over how I ended things with my ex, and how my friendship with my ex played out. My intention is NOT to get back with him. However, I just want to be on good terms again. I feel like I could have ended things in a more civil manner, as opposed to what happened here. I just don't know if it's worth giving it another shot after I've already apologized. I think the least he deserves is to know I didn't send him a petty apologetic message, but that I am willing to go to lengths to show him how remorseful I am for my behavior.

[lovestruck55]

The best thing is to leave one another ALONE. You are in a new relationship and should have the decency to focus on him w/ complicating things by holding onto to an ex. Does your current bf know you're obsessing over an ex you mistakenly dumped?

 

I didn't mistakenly dump my ex-boyfriend. Nor did I dump my boyfriend for my current boyfriend. I have ended things with my ex prior to my current boyfriend being in the picture as well. And when I dumped my ex the first time, I felt guilty AS WELL - despite there being any other guy. And after a month of no-contact him and I got together because I couldn't fight the guilt of doing this to someone for the reasons I did. The only difference this time around is that I am in a relationship with someone else now, and I have to fight the guilt (which is 10x more) through a different means. My ex-bf was my first ever serious relationship, and I was his.

[Zahara]

That said, I feel sh*tty over how I ended things with my ex, and how my friendship with my ex played out. My intention is NOT to get back with him. However, I just want to be on good terms again. I feel like I could have ended things in a more civil manner, as opposed to what happened here. I just don't know if it's worth giving it another shot after I've already apologized. I think the least he deserves is to know I didn't send him a petty apologetic message, but that I am willing to go to lengths to show him how remorseful I am for my behavior.

 

OP, this is self-serving. From the time you jumped to your new boyfriend, to this exact moment, this is all about you and your wants/needs.

 

You've already apologized. LEAVE IT BE. The need to go further than that is your entitlement to want this resolved the way you want to because it helps YOU resolve the negative feelings YOU have. This isn't about your ex and how he feels because if you had any inkling into that, you wouldn't have ended up to this point. This is all about you. What you need to help you move on and not what he needs to help him move on.

 

No, he deserves to be given the space and time to heal and to completely detach from you. He deserves to for you to step away from you fulfilling your own selfish needs so that he can give up hope and move on.

 

You want some sort of validation from him to make yourself feel okay with you. Please, leave him alone. It's the kindest thing a dumper can do for a dumpee.

[Chi townD]

I think the least he deserves is to know I didn't send him a petty apologetic message, but that I am willing to go to lengths to show him how remorseful I am for my behavior.

 

 

Oh yeah? And how exactly do you plan on doing that?

 

 

You apologized and he accepted and went back to his life. Whether he thinks that your apology is half assed or not; well, that's up for him to decide.

 

 

But, what's it going to change? He knows your with someone else now. He knows that how you handled the break up was crappy and he probably knows you ditched him for someone else. I don't think you understand what something like that does to the male ego. So, any amount of words won't make a difference. You actions spoke louder than your words. Therefore, he doesn't have any reason to believe a word you say to him. So, how are you going to SHOW him?

 

 

I still stand by what I said. Your best bet is to leave him alone.

[Zahara]

It's all about entitlement.

[Chi townD]

I didn't mistakenly dump my ex-boyfriend. Nor did I dump my boyfriend for my current boyfriend. I have ended things with my ex prior to my current boyfriend being in the picture as well. And when I dumped my ex the first time, I felt guilty AS WELL - despite there being any other guy. And after a month of no-contact him and I got together because I couldn't fight the guilt of doing this to someone for the reasons I did. The only difference this time around is that I am in a relationship with someone else now, and I have to fight the guilt (which is 10x more) through a different means. My ex-bf was my first ever serious relationship, and I was his.

 

 

 

 

This is what you wrote in your first post- As our relationship started to deteriorate, my current boyfriend came into the picture. I felt like my current boyfriend was everything I was looking for

 

 

So yeah, not buying this one and your Ex probably isn't either. You even said it your self that you pretty much jump right into this new relationship immediately after you ended it with your Ex. That's tells me that he was in the picture close to the end of your relationship. Close enough that you decided to end it with your Ex and get with this guy. Therefore, you already start a relationship with this new guy WHILE you were with your Ex. You became emotional involved with this new dude.

 

 

And even if this ISN'T (which I doubt) the case; he probably believes that it is. So, if he needs to believe that to heal and move on why not let him continue to believe it so he can get over you?

Edited June 19, 2014 by Chi townD

[April Moon]

I also stand by what I said in my original posts. He doesn't want to hear from you otherwise he would have openend up the lines of communication. Like you, he has moved on and probably doesn't think about you. You just feel this need to get rid of YOUR guilty feelings about how YOU treated him. You will not be able to do prove anything to him.

[LostOnes05]

My question to the OP...did he start smoking and stuff after you guys were together or was he pretty much the same for the 4 years you were together? If he was the same and had the same habits, then the issue of the breakup was that he wouldn't change as you wanted him to. Again, I'll reiterate that you should leave him alone. There is no need for further contact...that switchboard is closed. Focus on your new relationship and making that work.

 

People seem to think that one day you bump into a person and it's happily ever after. That's not the case! Everyone has their own hang ups, likes, and dislikes. But even couples who have been together for 50 years had issues that arose in the relationship. The difference between those relationships and the ones I see people my age get in today, is the ability to work through issues and most importantly COMMITMENT to each other. Let's be honest with each other and ourselves. Love can fade and any relationship takes work. The difference is having EQUALLY COMITTED partners dedicated on making it work.

[Hoosfoos]

What you're trying to tell him is this: "I dumped you and feel guilty about it, however I'm not changing my mind. To assuage my guilt I want to send you a contrived apology so I can feel better about myself and sleep at night."

 

Leave him alone.

[True Gent]

In my humble opinion, I think you should just leave him alone. You broke up with him and weren't really concerned with fixing things because you felt a spark with someone else. So now you have these urges to reconnect. Let them die...you will only hurt this guy again. He responded as he should have (I personally wouldn't have). While the apology is nice for him to have, the purpose of your checking up on him isn't to find out if he is ok. It's really to make you feel better about your actions.

 

You used up 4 years of this guy's life...don't use up his data plan too!

 

What you're trying to tell him is this: "I dumped you and feel guilty about it, however I'm not changing my mind. To assuage my guilt I want to send you a contrived apology so I can feel better about myself and sleep at night."

 

Leave him alone.

 

Two perfect posts!

 

 

OP you have done a very similar thing as my ex. I admire your ex bf for his polite and composed response to your apology. I wouldn't of been as cool.

 

You need to LEAVE HIM ALONE. So you feel guilty, I'm sorry but you should. You lined up the next one while you were still with your ex. You can't get much worse really.

 

If he loved you he will be in pieces over it for a long time to come. You didn't think about this when you hopped into the next relationship so why have a concinece now?

 

I think the new bf isn't quite so shiny now in all honesty. Hopefully your ex is strong enough to blank you and get on with his life as you have forced him to.

[lop98]

I don't doubt your pain cause I've been there and I know how much it hurts, having being dumped and having dumped myself, I don't think one's more "valid" than the other, but I don't think it's that hard to understand that this is all about you and you're not thinking of how he needs to get over you... in a way not that different from the dumpee's all "me me me" pain.

 

Go full NC and implement all the steps as if you had been dumped. You have a nice boyfriend with you now, you already did the correct thing and recognized your insensibility and apologized for it... now just chin up and move on. Also realize that getting in touch again would mean you'd eventually drift away again because you have a relationship to work on and the chemistry simply isn't there anymore, so be fair to the guy and leave him the alone, he'll stop hurting trust me, and get over you, if he already hasn't or is close to that... no one is this powerful "love of a lifetime" "impossible to get over" figure as much as most recently hurt people are convinced of the opposite.

[Ordinaryday]

I'm 23 years old, and a female. And I'm currently in a relationship with a guy I met 10 months ago. Prior to this guy, I was with my ex-boyfriend for 4 years. Though, the first 3 years of our relationship were great. I slowly started come to the realization that I didn't really see my ex as the one anymore. He treated me well, but we were two very different people. As our relationship started to deteriorate, my current boyfriend came into the picture. I felt like my current boyfriend was everything I was looking for, I felt the spark and we clicked and I ended things with my boyfriend. (b*tch move, I know) Anyway, though we broke up, he and I chose to be friends. However, because I was so involved with my new bf, I barely made any effort to keep the friendship alive. My ex-bf tried her to keep it going, but it didn't work as I wanted to be fully committed to my current bf. Unfortunately, about 3 months ago, my boyfriend and I completely stopped talking. Surprisingly, I did not feel remorse ever since I broke up with my ex-boyfriend, or even during that last 3 months of no contact with him. Suddenly, however, about 2 weeks ago, I decided to message him to apologize for my behavior. He responded to that message a week later by saying how the message was unexpected, and he accepts my apology, and he wishes me all the best for the future. I don't know whether he has completely moved on or not, so I really want to message him again to tell him how bad I feel for everything I've done, and if indeed he is happy with my mere apology then he doesn't need to reply to this and I'll feel at peace. However, if he does hold anything against me, I would really like to redeem myself.

 

I don't know what's wrong with me. But I KEEP thinking about my ex, our memories, and how evil I've been to him. And I honestly feel like I'll drive myself to insanity if I don't somehow find out whether my ex-bf is completely okay now or not. As a result of me feeling this way, I'm starting to feel so distant from my current bf (despite things being wonderful with him) Would it be a good idea to get in touch with my ex again for me to feel at peace? How would you react if your ex (who broke up with you) contacted you to redeem themselves?

 

do you want to get back together with him? yes or no? if the answer is no then any contact from you is simply wasting his time.

 

I would be very annoyed and angry (as I have been) if one of my dumpers contacted me to 'apologise' but still didn't want me back.... I would think "why are you contacting me and bringing up old painful memories and hurting me by making me remember you dumping me, especially when you dont even want me back??? why are you doing this?" and if the answer was they just wanted to ease their guilt I would be annoyed they put their needs, easing their conscience, ahead of my needs, getting over them. putting your own needs ahead of someone else's is the definition of selfish.

 

if you want to get back together with him then by all means try to make amends.

 

if you dont want him back but want to ease your conscience leave him alone!

[BC1980]

Most people get to a point where they never want to hear from the dumper again. Apologies mean very little at that point because they don't change the past. I highly doubt that he even cares if you are sorry or not. The best apology would be to leave him alone and not stir up any more emotions in him. It's actually very disruptive to hear from an ex when you simply want to move on.

[littleplanet]

I think everyone is assuming that I have a bad relationship with my current boyfriend, and therefore now that I've realized the "grass isn't greener" - I'm deviating back to my ex. Actually, in the 10 months I've been with my current boyfriend, we've had NUMEROUS ups and downs. And throughout those downhill moments, I've not ONCE missed my ex-boyfriend or felt that the grass isn't greener (if that is the case). My current boyfriend and I have had several misunderstandings in the past, but now we've come to the point where we're very happy with each other. In fact, I don't think anyone has treated me as well as how my current boyfriend treats me.

 

Apart from that, during my 4 year relationship with my ex. I broke up with him 2 times. Once, I broke up with him at the 2 year mark (and there was NO other guy in the picture.) I broke up with him because he was making ZERO effort to take care of his health, he was a chain smoker who continued his unhealthy habits despite having insulin dependent diabetes, and having seizures. NO, I didn't leave him because I didn't want to be with a sick person. But I left him because HE wasn't taking the initiative to develop healthy habits to fix his already deteriorating health at the age of 21-22. After one month of no-contact, however, we ended up getting back together. I felt guilty for leaving him, and he promised to better his health habits. Following that, we stayed together for 2 more years. These years were great in terms of memories, and such, however, the health issue was always an underlying problem. Also, I felt like the more we got to know each other the more we realized how different we were. Things between our relationship were shaky LONG before my current boyfriend came into the picture.

 

Nevertheless, I still do feel guilty for jumping the gun with my current boyfriend so fast. But I've genuinely never felt THAT strongly for anyone before - and I do still consider my current boyfriend to be the one. That said, I feel sh*tty over how I ended things with my ex, and how my friendship with my ex played out. My intention is NOT to get back with him. However, I just want to be on good terms again. I feel like I could have ended things in a more civil manner, as opposed to what happened here. I just don't know if it's worth giving it another shot after I've already apologized. I think the least he deserves is to know I didn't send him a petty apologetic message, but that I am willing to go to lengths to show him how remorseful I am for my behavior.

 

 

 

 

Think I'm going to stop right here and step in for a minute.

Glad you showed back up.

The blizzard of analysis was making me dizzy.

 

First question:

Do you talk to your current boyfriend about this at all?

(and if not, why?)

 

I get that you do not want your ex back. I get why.

I get that you did not dump him for your current relationship.

I get that he still holds an important place in your life, and I get why.

 

My spidey sense says that you just simply care about him.

Imagine that.

This is no crime in a free society, last I heard.

 

But still, I'd seriously consider what affect your actions may have on him.

If your actions are positive all around, then that's fine.

If, on the other hand, your actions create more negativity, then I'd be very careful. You don't necessarily want to be the bull that breaks his china, do you?

 

As I said, if you feel remorseful and guilty out of genuine caring - then your motivations can have a positive outcome if this is acceptable to him, and for the right reasons.

 

I'd like to just remind you right here......that you know this man a gazzilion times better than anyone in here does. So use that knowledge. Think it through with your heart and with your conscience.

The answer should present itself.

 

Good luck with this, OP. Go careful.

[lovestruck55]

Thank you for all the responses. I completely understand why you all may think my actions are selfish, and I do agree that I WAS very selfish with my ex. And because I realize my behavior, I simply wanted to redeem myself by showing him that I care - that I havn't forgotten him, and that I certainly havn't forgotten how selfish I was. After making contact with him, I do not intend to keep a friendship. I don't want to exist in his life to serve as a reminder of our past. I merely wanted the opportunity to explain myself, and to genuinely end things on good terms. So that, once a year, I can wish him happy birthday, or merry Christmas.

 

That's all. I feel like I didn't take up the opportunity to end things with him on good terms, and because a part of me will always care for him, I'll regret not trying to clean up the mess I made. Considering how I feel right now, I won't ever forgive myself for doing this to him. And I don't even consider myself worthy of being with him again - so those are absolutely not my intentions.

 

As a result of that, I wanted to message him to offer an explanation for my behavior, see how's he doing, and simply tell him that I still do care about his well-being and if he isn't interested - I would make it clear - that he does not even have to respond to this message, and I would respect that. But anyway, after reading all the advice on here, it seems like I'll be doing more harm than good by doing any of that. Also.. I'd also like to explain that despite the fact that he and I stopped talking, he has still kept me on his Facebook and Instagram. In fact, at times he also likes my pictures, and I like his at times as well. He also made the effort to wish my congrats on my graduation. So, I didn't feel it was completely insane of me to check up on him, and apologize as a result of his activity on social networks.

[lovestruck55]

Think I'm going to stop right here and step in for a minute.

Glad you showed back up.

The blizzard of analysis was making me dizzy.

 

First question:

Do you talk to your current boyfriend about this at all?

(and if not, why?)

 

I get that you do not want your ex back. I get why.

I get that you did not dump him for your current relationship.

I get that he still holds an important place in your life, and I get why.

 

My spidey sense says that you just simply care about him.

Imagine that.

This is no crime in a free society, last I heard.

 

But still, I'd seriously consider what affect your actions may have on him.

If your actions are positive all around, then that's fine.

If, on the other hand, your actions create more negativity, then I'd be very careful. You don't necessarily want to be the bull that breaks his china, do you?

 

As I said, if you feel remorseful and guilty out of genuine caring - then your motivations can have a positive outcome if this is acceptable to him, and for the right reasons.

 

I'd like to just remind you right here......that you know this man a gazzilion times better than anyone in here does. So use that knowledge. Think it through with your heart and with your conscience.

The answer should present itself.

 

Good luck with this, OP. Go careful.

 

My current boyfriend is aware of our history, and he has never stopped me from making contact with my ex-bf. That said, my boyfriend does not know how I'm currently feeling about the entire situation.

 

I decided that IF I pursued any sort of contact with my ex henceforth, I would first discuss it with my current boyfriend.

 

I genuinely do NOT want to create any more negativity with my actions. The LAST thing I want to do is make things worse for my ex-bf.

 

Thank you for understanding though. I think you're the first one posting on here who thinks I'm also doing this out of care for him and not SOLELY because I want to get over feeling so darn guilty. Because the truth is, I will ALWAYS feel guilty. I just didn't want to add the guilt of not apologizing, and not trying to amend things to my already long list of regrets.

 

As I've stated in my previous message, I only wanted to send him another message to tell him I'm interested in clarifying myself, and in ENDING things on good terms - that's all. And I would also tell him that he does not need to respond to this message AT ALL if he believes that by me making further contact, it will screw things up for him.

 

That said! The advice here sort of contradicts everything I genuinely feel I want to do... So I'll definitely take all opinions into considerations before I mess things up further.

 

Thanks for giving me the benefit of the doubt though. Your spidey sense is commendable.

[flight E]

You really don't sound like the evil ex most seem to be. That said, it's just life things happen. From the constant like on you facebook, I think you should wait until you are sure he is in a happy relationship and after a very long time. Then you can still talk to him. It's life we all make mistakes and hurt people. Give him a very long time until you are sure he is over you, then you can talk to him

[littleplanet]

My current boyfriend is aware of our history, and he has never stopped me from making contact with my ex-bf. That said, my boyfriend does not know how I'm currently feeling about the entire situation.

 

I decided that IF I pursued any sort of contact with my ex henceforth, I would first discuss it with my current boyfriend.

 

I genuinely do NOT want to create any more negativity with my actions. The LAST thing I want to do is make things worse for my ex-bf.

 

Thank you for understanding though. I think you're the first one posting on here who thinks I'm also doing this out of care for him and not SOLELY because I want to get over feeling so darn guilty. Because the truth is, I will ALWAYS feel guilty. I just didn't want to add the guilt of not apologizing, and not trying to amend things to my already long list of regrets.

 

As I've stated in my previous message, I only wanted to send him another message to tell him I'm interested in clarifying myself, and in ENDING things on good terms - that's all. And I would also tell him that he does not need to respond to this message AT ALL if he believes that by me making further contact, it will screw things up for him.

 

That said! The advice here sort of contradicts everything I genuinely feel I want to do... So I'll definitely take all opinions into considerations before I mess things up further.

 

Thanks for giving me the benefit of the doubt though. Your spidey sense is commendable.

 

 

Glad to be of assistance!

 

Only one little thing to add.

After all the guilt is said and done and over with, I sincerely hope that

what is left over is still people who actually care about each other.

There is not enough of that in this world.

Respect is sometimes the most powerful form of closure.

A happy and prosperous good life to all.

amen

 

spidey

[David87]

And yesterday I was so tempted to reach out to my ex who dumped me back in december......... OP just leave the guy alone, You've done enough.

[Sugarkane]

You've already done what most of us never get our whole lives- get a sincere apology. Leave it be.

Edited June 20, 2014 by Sugarkane

[David87]

You've already done what most of us never get our whole lives- get a sincere apology. Leave it be.

 

I never got a apology, not even a fake one....

[Sugarkane]

Same, not even years later.

I never got a apology, not even a fake one....

[Ordinaryday]

Same, not even years later.

 

consider yourself lucky. I speak from experience that any contact from the ex results in a brief high followed by an immediate low.

 

even if you have convinced yourself you are over them ANY contact can set you back - I once got an 'apology' from the ex and seeing her name in my inbox folder stirred up all kinds of emotions I thought I was over, and for a second I thought "this IS IT!!! She wants me back! the day has come"....

 

and then when I read the email and found she was basically 'apologising' to ease her guilt and she didnt want me back, the low I felt was terrible, I was annoyed at her for being so inconsiderate to risk setting me back just so she could ease her conscience.

 

I was furious that she was so selfish.

 

this is why people here advocate 100% NC.

[Robert]

Let's keep the posts helpful and not hurtful please, Thanks