I feel guilty and depressed over how I treated my ex. How do I redeem myself?

[lovestruck55]

I'm 23 years old, and a female. And I'm currently in a relationship with a guy I met 10 months ago. Prior to this guy, I was with my ex-boyfriend for 4 years. Though, the first 3 years of our relationship were great. I slowly started come to the realization that I didn't really see my ex as the one anymore. He treated me well, but we were two very different people. As our relationship started to deteriorate, my current boyfriend came into the picture. I felt like my current boyfriend was everything I was looking for, I felt the spark and we clicked and I ended things with my boyfriend. (b*tch move, I know) Anyway, though we broke up, he and I chose to be friends. However, because I was so involved with my new bf, I barely made any effort to keep the friendship alive. My ex-bf tried her to keep it going, but it didn't work as I wanted to be fully committed to my current bf. Unfortunately, about 3 months ago, my boyfriend and I completely stopped talking. Surprisingly, I did not feel remorse ever since I broke up with my ex-boyfriend, or even during that last 3 months of no contact with him. Suddenly, however, about 2 weeks ago, I decided to message him to apologize for my behavior. He responded to that message a week later by saying how the message was unexpected, and he accepts my apology, and he wishes me all the best for the future. I don't know whether he has completely moved on or not, so I really want to message him again to tell him how bad I feel for everything I've done, and if indeed he is happy with my mere apology then he doesn't need to reply to this and I'll feel at peace. However, if he does hold anything against me, I would really like to redeem myself.

 

I don't know what's wrong with me. But I KEEP thinking about my ex, our memories, and how evil I've been to him. And I honestly feel like I'll drive myself to insanity if I don't somehow find out whether my ex-bf is completely okay now or not. As a result of me feeling this way, I'm starting to feel so distant from my current bf (despite things being wonderful with him) Would it be a good idea to get in touch with my ex again for me to feel at peace? How would you react if your ex (who broke up with you) contacted you to redeem themselves?

[DArtagnan2]

I wouldn't mind and would actually appreciate if that was the case for me. No matter what someone has done to me, no matter the hurt, I would respect them and totally appreciate it if they took the step to reach out and own it and apologize.

 

But you have already done that; you sent a text and apologized. What else do you have to say?

[lovestruck55]

I wouldn't mind and would actually appreciate if that was the case for me. No matter what someone has done to me, no matter the hurt, I would respect them and totally appreciate it if they took the step to reach out and own it and apologize.

 

But you have already done that; you sent a text and apologized. What else do you have to say?

 

I feel like he responded to the apology very formally because he knows I'm in a relationship with someone else and he doesn't not want to get involved anymore. Besides, my apology wasn''t made to seem like an invitation to talk again, and therefore he also simply just accepted the apology and wished me well. I just want to KNOW that he's happy and doing well. I want to make sure he isn't hurting anymore. I just want an opportunity to explain myself - so he doesn't think I'm as selfish as I seem. I want him to know that I still care, and I am GENUINELY sorry. Not just a random message I sent for the sake of it.

[LostOnes05]

In my humble opinion, I think you should just leave him alone. You broke up with him and weren't really concerned with fixing things because you felt a spark with someone else. So now you have these urges to reconnect. Let them die...you will only hurt this guy again. He responded as he should have (I personally wouldn't have). While the apology is nice for him to have, the purpose of your checking up on him isn't to find out if he is ok. It's really to make you feel better about your actions.

 

You used up 4 years of this guy's life...don't use up his data plan too!

[Assasda]

In my humble opinion, I think you should just leave him alone. You broke up with him and weren't really concerned with fixing things because you felt a spark with someone else. So now you have these urges to reconnect. Let them die...you will only hurt this guy again. He responded as he should have (I personally wouldn't have). While the apology is nice for him to have, the purpose of your checking up on him isn't to find out if he is ok. It's really to make you feel better about your actions.

 

You used up 4 years of this guy's life...don't use up his data plan too!

 

I couldnt have said it any better

[April Moon]

Leave him alone. The only reason you want to contact him is to make yourself feel better because you feel bad about how you treated him. You are feeling guilty that you hurt him and you want to make sure he is happy to ease your guilt. If he still upset at you (which he probably is), there isn't anything you can do to make him feel better anyways. If you really care about him, then stop being selfish and move on.

[ktya]

*smirk*

 

Mr. Magic stopped talking to you because he found someone else who he felt he "clicked" better with and now that the shoe is on the other foot you realize what you put the guy you "nexted" through and want to apologize.

 

This may sound crass, but write him an email saying how bad you feel for how you broke up with him. Tell him your done with the current boyfriend and he did the same thing that you did to him to you. Tell him to make it up to him you'll come over and give him a blowjob to end all blowjobs and let him carry on with his life and never see or talk to him again afterwards.

 

That may come across as degrading but women who exit one relationship just to start another are already degrading themselves.

[HeartbrokenNewbie]

Seems you were struck down the the grass is greener syndrome, if only people were struck down with "better the devil you know" syndrome and these things wouldnt happen.. anyway leave him be unless you want him back in which case actions speak louder than words and yes still being with your current BF is pretty bad if you are feeling like this. Big girl knickers on make a decision and stick with it x

[soccerrprp]

The best thing is to leave one another ALONE. You are in a new relationship and should have the decency to focus on him w/ complicating things by holding onto to an ex. Does your current bf know you're obsessing over an ex you mistakenly dumped?

[ASG]

Seems you were struck down the the grass is greener syndrome, if only people were struck down with "better the devil you know" syndrome and these things wouldnt happen.. anyway leave him be unless you want him back in which case actions speak louder than words and yes still being with your current BF is pretty bad if you are feeling like this. Big girl knickers on make a decision and stick with it x

 

 

Ugh, why should ANYONE settle when they're not happy in a relationship?

It's not GIGS. It's searching for happiness. The "grass is greener" thing only applies if the grass ISN'T actually greener on the other side.

 

I saw no indication of her wanting her ex back. She merely feels bad. Which is fair enough.

 

Though, OP, leave him alone. Honestly, you haven't really done anything particularly bad.

[HeartbrokenNewbie]

Ugh, why should ANYONE settle when they're not happy in a relationship?

It's not GIGS. It's searching for happiness. The "grass is greener" thing only applies if the grass ISN'T actually greener on the other side.

 

I saw no indication of her wanting her ex back. She merely feels bad. Which is fair enough.

 

Though, OP, leave him alone. Honestly, you haven't really done anything particularly bad.

 

Because a lot of people confuse "comfortable" with not being in love anymore its not always about being unhappy but not as 'happy' as you were in the honeymoon period x

[ASG]

Because a lot of people confuse "comfortable" with not being in love anymore its not always about being unhappy but not as 'happy' as you were in the honeymoon period x

 

That applies after 6 months of relationship. They were together for 4 years. The honeymoon period was long gone.

Sure, there were probably positives about their relationship. Beaten women say the same. Doesn't mean they should stay.

[HeartbrokenNewbie]

Just stuck in a rut and something shinier seems better until they get the stage where the newness wears off and they realise they are in the same position but with someone different and actually maybe they had a better deal before x

[soccerrprp]

Seems you were struck down the the grass is greener syndrome, if only people were struck down with "better the devil you know" syndrome and these things wouldnt happen.. anyway leave him be unless you want him back in which case actions speak louder than words and yes still being with your current BF is pretty bad if you are feeling like this. Big girl knickers on make a decision and stick with it x

 

The so-called "better the devil you know" syndrome is equally prevalent and comprably destructive. In such a state, people stay in relationships longer than they should have.

 

Anyway, OP, as some have said, you've already apologized. He accepted. You should be able to move on unless you regret not only how you treated him, but also leaving him. If the latter is true, recommendation is still the same...leave him be.

[HeartbrokenNewbie]

This line says it all to me "I don't know whether he has completely moved on or not, so I really want to message him again" OP has some decisions to make, this is not about apologising its about thinking he may have moved on a regretting the decision x

[marcjb]

That applies after 6 months of relationship. They were together for 4 years. The honeymoon period was long gone.

Sure, there were probably positives about their relationship. Beaten women say the same. Doesn't mean they should stay.

 

The honeymoon phase is not set in stone for a 6 month duration. In a relationship that lasted 4 years (lets say 3 in this case) it probably lasted a year to a year and a 1/2. The OP did state that they were in a 4 year relationship but she said the first 3 years were great.

 

I was with my ex-boyfriend for 4 years. Though, the first 3 years of our relationship were great

 

The OP says that this was the reason in the 4th year...

 

I slowly started come to the realization that I didn't really see my ex as the one anymore. He treated me well, but we were two very different people.

 

But I am sure that this is the answer...

 

As our relationship started to deteriorate, my current boyfriend came into the picture.

 

It deteriorated because she was not focused on her relationship, she was focused on her shiny new toy. She claims it was the other way around, but a relationship doesn't last 3 or 4 years with "different" people, it won't even last 2 years.

 

She was not watering her own grass. She had G.I.G.S.

 

It's disgusting how people are treated as disposable in today's society. Hopefully karma has taught her a valuable lesson.

Edited June 19, 2014 by marcjb

[ASG]

The honeymoon phase is not set in stone for a 6 month duration. In a relationship that lasted 4 years (lets say 3 in this case) it probably lasted a year to a year and a 1/2. The OP did state that they were in a 4 year relationship but she said the first 3 years were great.

 

The OP says that this was the reason in the 4th year...

 

But I am sure that this is the answer...

 

It deteriorated because she was not focused on her relationship, she was focused on her shiny new toy.

 

She had G.I.G.S.

 

It's disgusting how people are treated as disposable in today's society. Hopefully karma has taught her a valuable lesson.

 

Bull****. One of my exs and I were together for 2,5 years. The first year was great!

After that, not so much. Not that we argued, we just didn't connect anymore. As time went on, sex became very sporadic and we would never go out on dates anymore. We'd hang out at home, but we would only go out with other friends.

 

He broke up with me. Basically for someone else. It wasn't GIGS. Our relationship just wasn't right, and while, at the time we broke up, I was happy to stay in our stale relationship, I was aware that it wasn't a particularly happy one. I had settled. He didn't want to and I am forever grateful to him for breaking up with me at the time, even if it caught me completely unaware and I was devastated!

 

It took me a while to get over it and understand that it was really for the best. He was confused as well, even though he was the dumper and was dating someone else. But it was still not GIGS. The grass WAS actually greener on the other side. So much so he's still with the girl he left me for, they're married with 2 kids!

 

People need to stop calling GIGS to every breakup that happens when there's no cheating or abuse. Sometimes things just don't work. Specially when people are young.

You grow up and you might grow in a different direction to your partner.

 

 

As you say, the honey moon period was maybe about a year. That still leaves almost 2 of a good relationship and another year when things deteriorated.

OP doesn't say WHEN the new bf came into the picture, but from what I get, he wasn't there at the start of the bad year.

So she wasn't focusing on her new toy instead of her ailing relationship.

 

Her relationship was failing and something else, bigger, faster, better came along and she decided to go with it, instead of flogging a dead horse. It's not GIGS.

[April Moon]

I think what the issue is for the OP is she knew it wasn't going well and waited till she found someone new to break it off with the old guy. I don't know (or care) if it is GIGS or not. I'm wondering if the OP feels bad because she feels she may have cheated (emotionally?) on her ex. I'm not saying she did but she feels bad about something that she did.

[ASG]

I think what the issue is for the OP is she knew it wasn't going well and waited till she found someone new to break it off with the old guy. I don't know (or care) if it is GIGS or not. I'm wondering if the OP feels bad because she feels she may have cheated (emotionally?) on her ex. I'm not saying she did but she feels bad about something that she did.

 

 

Yes, this is what I get from it. COupled with the fact that she then didn't nurture the friendship she said she wanted with her ex. So she's feeling a bit guilty... But honestly, I think it's best to let it go.

[marcjb]

Bull****. One of my exs and I were together for 2,5 years. The first year was great!

After that, not so much. Not that we argued, we just didn't connect anymore. As time went on, sex became very sporadic and we would never go out on dates anymore. We'd hang out at home, but we would only go out with other friends.

 

He broke up with me. Basically for someone else. It wasn't GIGS. Our relationship just wasn't right, and while, at the time we broke up, I was happy to stay in our stale relationship, I was aware that it wasn't a particularly happy one. I had settled. He didn't want to and I am forever grateful to him for breaking up with me at the time, even if it caught me completely unaware and I was devastated!

 

It took me a while to get over it and understand that it was really for the best. He was confused as well, even though he was the dumper and was dating someone else. But it was still not GIGS. The grass WAS actually greener on the other side. So much so he's still with the girl he left me for, they're married with 2 kids!

 

People need to stop calling GIGS to every breakup that happens when there's no cheating or abuse. Sometimes things just don't work. Specially when people are young.

You grow up and you might grow in a different direction to your partner.

 

 

As you say, the honey moon period was maybe about a year. That still leaves almost 2 of a good relationship and another year when things deteriorated.

OP doesn't say WHEN the new bf came into the picture, but from what I get, he wasn't there at the start of the bad year.

So she wasn't focusing on her new toy instead of her ailing relationship.

 

Her relationship was failing and something else, bigger, faster, better came along and she decided to go with it, instead of flogging a dead horse. It's not GIGS.

 

Yea, everyone should just jump ship to the "greener" grass.

 

People don't want to put work in anymore. These people will never have a relationship that lasts longer than a few years because they're always jumping.

 

Bored with your partner? Swing to the next vine.

 

Your partner left a dish on the table? Swing to the next vine.

 

Your partner has a small mole on their neck that you thought was cute when you met them, but now the honeymoon phase is over and it bothers you? Swing to the next vine and prepare to embark on "true" happiness for another couple years.

 

How do people ever manage to stay married for 50+ years anyway... wow they must have been "perfect" for each other.

[ASG]

Yea, everyone should just jump ship to the "greener" grass.

 

People don't want to put work in anymore. These people will never have a relationship that lasts longer than a few years because they're always jumping.

 

Bored with your partner? Swing to the next vine.

 

Your partner left a dish on the table? Swing to the next vine.

 

Your partner has a small mole on their neck that you thought was cute when you met them, but now the honeymoon phase is over and it bothers you? Swing to the next vine and prepare to embark on "true" happiness for another couple years.

 

How do people ever manage to stay married for 50+ years anyway... wow they must have been "perfect" for each other.

 

So you're saying that it's better to stay in an unhappy relationship, then, cause then you won't be dumped, right? It's what I'm getting from your posts...

 

Of course people should try to work on their relationships. But sometimes that is just not enough.

 

The OP was probably about 18 when she started dating her ex. She was young, just starting her adult life. By 21 she figured the guy she was dating wasn't exactly what she wanted. So she moved on.

It happens. Deal with it. It's still not a "syndrome". It called growing in opposite directions. Much like you outgrow some friends you were really tight with in high school.

[HeartbrokenNewbie]

No one and no relationship is perfect, you make the best of what you have and you work at it, unless of course there is abuse etc. If everyone walked when things got tough or not so 'perfect' there would not be 1 single successful RS in the world x

[ASG]

No one and no relationship is perfect, you make the best of what you have and you work at it, unless of course there is abuse etc. If everyone walked when things got tough or not so 'perfect' there would not be 1 single successful RS in the world x

 

Couldn't agree more!

 

but sometimes you work and you work and things just don't... work.

 

My last relationship was one such example. Some incompatibilities were apparent within the first couple of months, but we kept trying. The last 3 months were spent mostly fighting. With each other and to try and fix the relationship. At some point we had to give up.

 

And the same thing happens in other relationships. Some much longer. Things change and WE change. Our partners don't always change with us. And try as you might, you just can't get it back. I think it's better to move on and try and find happiness elsewhere, than stay and resent the person you're staying with for holding you back.

[redbaron005]

I don't know what's wrong with me. But I KEEP thinking about my ex, our memories, and how evil I've been to him. And I honestly feel like I'll drive myself to insanity if I don't somehow find out whether my ex-bf is completely okay now or not. As a result of me feeling this way, I'm starting to feel so distant from my current bf (despite things being wonderful with him) Would it be a good idea to get in touch with my ex again for me to feel at peace? How would you react if your ex (who broke up with you) contacted you to redeem themselves?

 

You you you you you. Shessh. It's all about you relieving guilt and not wanting someone else to hate you. After you bailed on the meeting in February, I would not want to be contacted any further than you already have done so. Because you 'rebounded' with your new guy, you did not have time to grieve your old relationship with your ex. Now you see the real boy that your current bf is and things are starting to get routine, the excitement, comfort, and lust are gone. You can't expect your ex to bail you out of this, to have waited around after what you did. To soften your regret. You need to stop avoiding and look into yourself for peace and forgiveness. Avoiding feelings prevents growth, and I know being 23 you want all fun, but if you want to really find happiness you will have to face your feelings, good and bad, head on.

 

So advice: (1) don't contact your ex again; (2) dump your current boyfriend [who has a thing for his coworker anyway]; (3) and spend time single learning from your relationships and maturing.

[Chi townD]

I feel like he responded to the apology very formally because he knows I'm in a relationship with someone else and he doesn't not want to get involved anymore. Besides, my apology wasn''t made to seem like an invitation to talk again, and therefore he also simply just accepted the apology and wished me well. I just want to KNOW that he's happy and doing well. I want to make sure he isn't hurting anymore. I just want an opportunity to explain myself - so he doesn't think I'm as selfish as I seem. I want him to know that I still care, and I am GENUINELY sorry. Not just a random message I sent for the sake of it.

 

 

 

Ahh, the guilt is setting in!

 

 

I'm not going to sugar coat this. Here's the rub, you ditched him for someone else. Bottomline. Your Ex wanted to cling to you in the guise of "friendship" But ultimately, he was clinging onto false hope.

 

 

I think he woke up to the fact that you were with someone else. I think he woke up to the fact that you left him for someone else and I think he's finally realizes that it's over. Therefore, he has to move on (which is what I think he's trying to do). He realizes that he needs to detach from you and heal.

 

 

Here's the deal. You left him for someone else. YOU made the choice to have your Ex out of your life so you could pursue this new interest. That was the choice you made. So, let him go! That simple.

 

 

You want to know if he's happy? Why? So, you can ease this guilt and tell yourself, "Oh look! He's happy in his life, I'm happy in mine and my new relationship! All is right in the Universe!" But, it took him a week to respond to your text apology. It's safe to assume that he's NOT happy. Not at all. But, given time and space, he will be happy again. He just needs to heal, because in the back of his mind he was clinging onto false hope.

 

 

I'm not trying to be mean here. I just want you to open your eyes. If you really cared about him, then the BEST thing you can do for him is.....leave him alone. Let him find his feet again and let him start his own path.

 

 

You guys are not friends and you won't be for a long, LONG time. I'm sure he didn't get into a loving and caring relationship with you for the final outcome is that he is nothing more than a really good friend to you. Sad to read that...I know. Could you be friends in the future? Possible. But, that's only going to happen when he's lost all romantic feelings for you and when he looks at you all he feels is indifferent towards you. Then, a friendship could occur. But, that's not going to happen if you keep popping into his life!

 

 

You're choices in life have consequences. You left him for someone else. That choice has a consequence to it. And if it takes your Ex hating what you did to him in order for him to heal and move on. Then, be the bad guy. That would be the kindest thing you can do for him.