Should I contact him?

[Grumpy01]

My partner of 8 years and fiance left me almost 3 weeks ago when I was 5 month pregnant. (He's been distant since we found out at 5 weeks as he said he wasn't ready to be a feather yet. However, I chose to keep the baby).He said we were over that night so I took my ring off and said he was just coming to collect his stuff and go. Yet we talked for hours and he stayed on the couch but he left the next morning after I had gone to work. Two nights later he called me and said he will always love me and deep down he is in love with me but he needs time to think... He also said to keep my ring on and that we were still engaged... So I'm still left in limbo about whether we have actually broken up or not? I'm treating it like we have for now... I haven't contacted him, however, he's texted a few times since. However, I've heard nothing for a full week now. Last Saturday he said he was still thinking... I do trust him and felt like he still loved me and really did need time to think. Is there any hope of us getting back together? I'm getting there and have kind of let him go as I'm now focusing on me and the baby, haven't cried for a few days now. I really do miss him though and would like the opportunity to try again...but I can't force him or know what he is thinking...?

Edited June 14, 2014 by Grumpy01

[Nimbus4dt]

When I found out I was going to be a father, it scared the **** out of me, this after 2 months into a new relationship. I freaked out, understatement, was cold, pre-occupied with my thoughts, emotions, worries etc etc….

Looking back on it now it was all so wrong, so selfish. We had a termination at 2 months. It affected me greatly, guilt, shame, its horrendous.

What I should have done was spend my time with my ex, talking, comforting and instead of thinking about the negatives, should have thought about the wonderful things instead.

I suspect the state of the relationship at the time was partly to blame, we were not 110% and it was toooooooo soon.

I suspect he's just mulling things over and I hope, should come around in time.

I wish you much luck.

[irishsimon]

It took me a couple of months to settle down. Our relationship was a mess. There were questions over birth control, termination, the fact that in reality we had split up. I knew the outcome of this situation as I knew my ex. I knew myself even better. It would end up in court..and it did. There was no doubt in my mind it was a toxic attachment.

 

I split up with her at 4 months pregnant. There was too much abuse. I never abandoned her..I made it clear we needed some space. I attended all appts, we saw each other regularly but I kept the relationship between us confined to something like friends with benefits but mostly without benefits. I saw no other choice.. Our toxic chemistry was causing constant friction. She was not going to gain self awareness, pregnant or not. I could not cope with what had been happening between us. I wanted my ex to be stress free while carrying our child and I always hoped that we could work things out over time after the birth. It didnt happen but as the childs father I really wanted it to and I tried... for another 3 years.

 

Give him some time.

 

And yeah..we'd only been together 6 months.. not particularly successfully. Just one perspective for you.

Edited June 14, 2014 by irishsimon

[Nimbus4dt]

It took me a couple of months to settle down. Our relationship was a mess. There were questions over birth control, termination, the fact that in reality we had split up. I knew the outcome of this situation as I knew my ex. I knew myself even better. It would end up in court..and it did. There was no doubt in my mind it was a toxic attachment.

 

I split up with her at 4 months pregnant. There was too much abuse. I never abandoned her..I made it clear we needed some space. I attended all appts, we saw each other regularly but I kept the relationship between us confined to something like friends with benefits but mostly without benefits. I saw no other choice.. Our toxic chemistry was causing constant friction. She was not going to gain self awareness, pregnant or not. I could not cope with what had been happening between us. I wanted my ex to be stress free while carrying our child and I always hoped that we could work things out over time after the birth. It didnt happen but as the childs father I really wanted it to and I tried... for another 3 years.

 

Give him some time.

 

And yeah..we'd only been together 6 months.. not particularly successfully. Just one perspective for you.

 

Exactly the same situation with mine, how did you cope with it all???

I am still picking up pieces now, was toyed with, push pulled, criticized, blamed etc. That was just the relationship, the pregnancy/abortion is something else I have to deal with.

Mine was toxic, I still cannot understand how people can treat others this way and think it normal??? Its just so sad.

[Grumpy01]

Thanks for your comments so far... I really hope he is just scared and taking time to think. I do miss him very much though and love him dearly...

 

I haven't been toxic towards him, at each point I have offered him the chance to go to the scans, to be with me at the hospital when I was having problems but he refused. I didn't push him on this or make him feel bad about it. In fact I haven't pushed him at all...I really have just taken a back seat to let him think about what he wants. I have already forgiven him for asking me to get rid of the baby and for not being involved so far... It may sound stupid to some but I really do love him and would stand by him...I just hope he has the strength to come back and stand by me.

[Nimbus4dt]

I hope he does too, us men are strange creatures at times. I only wish my ex had the conviction to carry it full term and batter some sense into me, I would have come around. I regret it massively.

Its very easy to get embroiled in worry (I did) and it just makes people sometimes react badly to certain events, when in fact standing back and looking at the bigger picture was what was needed, I only wish we did.

Good luck

[Grumpy01]

Sorry that happened to you... We talked about having children in the months before we fell pregnant. I just couldn't not keep it as we both though we could never have children. However, I'm now 22 weeks along and he still hasn't come around...

 

I am hoping and praying that he is still in love with me too and will come around for our life together as well as the baby. We always talked of family and marriage... I just wish he would contact me... I have totally given him space and time to think.

[Nimbus4dt]

All you can do is be patient and open, seems you have been these things. Time will tell!

[Grumpy01]

Iknow...but he's been distant for a while... especially before and after the 20 week scan... We've only see each other maybe 4/5 times in the last 4/5 weeks... We used to be so amazing together until this, we still were up until the 2 weeks before the scan date. I'm so scared that he's just decided that he's gone and has no intention of ever wanting to try again. I miss him so much. I've been speaking to psychics (WRONG ROAD TO GO!! Learned a BIG lesson - don't go near them)...but I just need him to let me know if he's gone for good or willing to try again. The night he came to pick up his stuff, I could see that he really didn't want to leave but felt he had to. He can be very stubborn at times...I wish someone could actually tell me what the future will hold...

[Grumpy01]

Does anyone else have any experience of this...? I just don't know what to do next... He's not contacted me in nearly 10 days... Does anyone think he might come back and try again or so you think he's left me for good?

[Elle1975]

May I suggest you treat the situation as if he was gone? I mean, actions speak louder than words, and he hasn't contacted you.

 

I know people will say "he needs time", and that's fine, but what about you? I'd suggest concentrating on yourself. You're missing out on your pregnancy and the experiences coming with it. It's not fair. I hope you will at least get a baby shower.

 

Also, do you think there's someone else? You say he didn't want to leave but felt he had to..

[Grumpy01]

I've coped for the last week or so... But today it hit me really hard. I honestly don't think there has been anyone else... I don't know what he's doing now though...?

Edited June 16, 2014 by Grumpy01

[Elle1975]

I feel those situations aren't fair. You can't take a break from being pregnant, and he gets to go on a break to "figure it all out".

 

To ask you to keep your ring on is probably a way to keep you on the back burner. That's sad, but that's probably true. He keeps you on a leash, just in case he decides he wants you back.

 

Since there's more to it than just a break up, I'd give him a phone call and take it from there. If he is still figuring it all out, I'd consider myself single from now on.

[Grumpy01]

I know... I've started writing a letter to him tonight (for me, not him) to think about all the things that have happened. I took the ring off the next week and have been acting as though it's all over... I am not dating or looking for anyone...and haven't told anyone really. It's hard though because I just want him to come back... I am hoping that this is something he has to go through to realise what he wants is me... I don't know if I'm hoping for too much though...

[carrie_o]

You are in an incredibly stressful situation. Instead of helping you or even discussing his concerns with you, he pulls away. Instead of stepping up, preparing for fatherhood, he is ignoring the future mother of his child.

 

Forget about him as best you can for now. Take care of yourself and your baby. You deserve better from a partner.

 

For some perspective, I went through a break up about a week before I realized I was pregnant. We had discussed the possibility of kids while we were together but both of us decided that we didn't want kids. I called him up as soon as the test was positive. He came over right away to comfort me. Despite the surprise and the awful timing, he did his best to take care of me throughout the pregnancy, even though we decided to remain friends. It was actually because of the way he took care of me, and our son after he was born, that made me want to try again with him a couple of years later.

[Grumpy01]

Thanks carrie... I honestly believe he's scared. I love him a lot and just hope that he will give us a second chance as well as bring there for the baby. He is a better man than this...

[Nimbus4dt]

What age is he Grumpy? Even a very good friend of mine described to me how he sh*t himself when his wife told him she was pregnant, they were happily married and were trying for children.

[pteromom]

Keep inviting him to scans. Keep expecting him to say no. Keep the door open. See what happens. He may come back and he may not, but you want to keep that door open so he can at least have a relationship with his child if he wants to.

[Grumpy01]

He's 26...so we're both very young for this... I just hope he will come back for me...for us as a couple. We could never just be friends.

[Elle1975]

He's 26...so we're both very young for this... I just hope he will come back for me...for us as a couple. We could never just be friends.

 

My sister was 23 when my niece was born. I don't think 26 is very young. Hell I remember being 26 and thinking "oh my god, I will be 30 soon and I am not married!"

 

I would try and enjoy your pregnancy as much as you can, considering what's happening.

 

Keep the door open, but don't wait by your phone. My childhood friend freaked out too before his son was born. He came around after the birth and tried to make it work with his gf.

[BC1980]

26 is an adult, and you have been together for 8 years. His disappearing act is unacceptable. This is so unfair to you. At the very least, he needs to stay in communication for the baby.

[Grumpy01]

My partner left me just over 3 weeks ago. I'm 6 months pregnant and he seemed scared of the responsibility. He said we were over that night but he called me/text me a few times after saying he was thinking about things and that he loved me. We've been together almost 8 years and engaged for 2... It's now been 12 days and nothing. I'm tempted to send him a text just to say hi, hope he is doing ok. Should I? I'm worried that if I leave it any longer without contact he'll start to forget about me. I'm also worried about him... I do want him to give us a second chance...

[CaliBabe]

He left you and you are 6 months pregnant!!!!

 

(Hold me back LS fam!)

 

 

 

...What a total jerk! No you should not text him. He should be groveling at your feet for forgiveness. This is not acceptable.

 

Please please do NOT contact him. Be strong girl!

[Grumpy01]

Personally I feel I should wait for him to contact me...but I spoke to 2 psychics today... One was very accurate about the whole situation and his personality etc and said I will hear from him in the next 3 days or before end of June but the other said I had to contact him... Wish I'd never spoken to the last one now... (P.S. moment of weakness for psychic readings...never again!)

[redbaron005]

I saw your previous thread, and agree with the poster that said to keep him involved with issues pertaining to the child's health/invite him to ultrasounds etc. However don't just message to check-in. Try to de-stress (not by drinking tea though) and be happy that you have one on the way! That's got to be super exciting.