Jarle Posted June 18, 2014 Posted June 18, 2014 (edited) Hi guys, this will be kinda long so I'll sum it up at the bottom. So I've known this girl for around 4 years now. When we initially met in college there was a mutual attraction which seemed to persist on/off over the next two years - everyone could see it. However, she wasn't one to really show blatant affection and was quite shy, combined with the fact that I was completely oblivious to all the little signs that girls think we're supposed to understand. Anyway, she pretty much became the girl I thought of every day and I could slowly feel myself falling into the friendzone. Sure we'd speak everyday but the flirting had subsided and it was just about casual stuff really. She eventually hooked up with a guy and I made the conscious decision to slowly cut myself lose from this 'friendship' as it wasn't healthy. She was moving on with her life and it was silly for me to pine after her hoping something would happen. Several months later I got into a relationship with a girl that lasted for around two years. During this time, the contact I had with this female friend was every other month, where we'd make small talk and arrange meet-ups for drinks with friends which rarely happened, but was nice when it did. Anyway, my attraction to this girl had pretty much faded and I laughed thinking about how I used to constantly think about her/want to be with her and what not. After my relationship with my ex-gf went to crap, me and this girl started speaking once more. She told me to get snapchat and would send me pictures daily (quite flirty) and would constantly make an effort to chat. She seemed quite interested, much like when we first met, but I didn't really think much of it. Pretty much spoke to her like I spoke to my bros with the occasional cheeky comment. I travel with a mate to go stay at hers in celebration of my b-day, she is exactly as I remembered her. Pretty cold and unaffectionate in person, so I thought nothing of her previous flirting once more. The next month she asks me to come stay with her whilst her friends were away, and at this point I figured she must be interested naturally. We watched movies and had drinks, but then she wasnt feeling well and we went to bed. I was pretty pissed off 'cos it's an hour and a half train journey to see her and I was prepared once again to cut this girl loose. So then I just thought to hell with it and put my arm around her, and she held my hand then turned around and kissed me. She pretty much begged me to stay for another night, to which I agreed to and we did much of the same plus more but she didn't want to go any further just yet. We agreed that we'd start seeing each other, at least until she went abroad to study for a year which is due to happen next month. Initially she asked me if we would still see each other whilst she was away, but we both kinda came to terms with how difficult that would be. The timing was crap - but yeah we spoke about it like adults and there was no confusion. She explained how she had liked me for years, and she had thought that I had friendzoned her and wasn't interested. Kinda bizarre to think that we both figured we were friendzoned. Anyway, I see her again a month later and we have sex. We were both real anxious, her more so than me (she was shaking like a leaf) and needless to say I was struck by nerves somewhat also. I typically get a case of erm.. stage fright when it's with a new girl, and especially if I actually care about her. It was real satisfying finally getting to sleep with the girl that felt unobtainable several years ago. The next day she was saying how she would look into birth control for next time and what not, and we started making plans to meet once more. This is where everything went south, as she stopped making contact and after 3 days I asked her what the deal was and she seemed quite cold with me. I left it for another few days before finally confronting her as I had a pretty bad gut feeling. She explained that she no longer wanted us to see each other, and gave me a multitude of reasons. She wants to spend the rest of her time here with her family, she thinks we'd be better off as friends, she can't deal with the stress, she wants to meet other people, she just wanted to 'know' if there was anything more to us - and now she does. I felt like she was bull****ting me with everything besides the meeting other people, as several days later a guys name appeared in her snapchat best friend list - at this point I deleted her number so I wouldn't have the urge to contact her. We didn't speak for two weeks before I re-added her number and sent her a message basically asking what the deal with us was, as I figured we were better than that. Essentially, she said confused our friendship with something more romantic and during sex she wasn't as attracted to me as she should have been. She then also confirmed my suspicions that she was seeing someone else. It was a guy she met on the night out of the last day we spent together. She swore she didn't do anything, but admitted that she had spent the week texting/snapchatting him whilst ignoring me essentially 'to get her thoughts straight'. She was actively sleeping with him only days after breaking it off with me, which again stung pretty bad. She claimed that she no longer sees me as anything more than a friend, and thinks what she has with this new guy is 'real' and she sees potential with him, which is why they're going to try and make it work when she goes away to amsterdam. For some reason, this didn't bother me as much. Infact, if she truly is happy and sees potential with this guy, then I really can't find it in me to hate her for it. It hurts like a bitch, but the heart wants what the heart wants. Again, we haven't spoken in about a week but she does include me in group snapchats showing me random pictures. I'm not gonna lie I'm pretty annoyed. Sure we had our fun and it wasn't gonna last, but what really stings is the fact that we now no longer speak. She seems to have moved on nicely from this and seemingly doesn't care. The feeling of going from being the guy that she spoke to every day to effectively being hit, quit and replaced kinda sucks. I now feel some sort of regret because she was a really cool chick, and I genuinely enjoyed her as a person before things got sexual. If I knew things would end up like this - us not talking at all - I would of honestly never gone there. Not sure really how to handle this though, as she seemed really adamant that we should just stay as friends from here on out, nothing more than that. I'm thinking the best course of action would be to just leave this whole debacle, and maybe do another 'reset' and see if there's anything there in a year or two. If she liked me for years I find it really hard to believe that her affections could completely disappear like that, I don't know. I'm also absolutely gutted that when we finally did have sex, it didn't live up to either of our expectations. I don't know, sure it's been nearly a year since either of us had done it, but I was distraught that nerves had got the better of me during the one time they should not have. I feel like if us being intimate on that night had gone more to plan, then none of this would have happened. I'm not entirely sure how I should act towards this. I don't hate the girl, but I am hurt. I'm glad that she's happy and I still do care about her alot. Naturally, her priorities have changed however. I'm no longer 'the guy' in her life which I had been for all of this year thus far. I think I'm somewhat jealous of someone else getting her attention and affections, which typically doesn't happen to me. But it's different with this girl and I don't know why. Anyway, TL;DR - - Female friend of four years, we both think we're friendzoned - Start dating, everything going well until she decides its not for her - Sleeping with a new guy a week later - Finding it hard to 'accept' this, not bitter as I am happy for her deep down but it feels like I've lost someone very close to me. Edited June 18, 2014 by Jarle
todreaminblue Posted June 18, 2014 Posted June 18, 2014 jumping into sex from friends is a bit of a leap, when i have dated guys from my friend zone which is really the only way i successfully date, we actually skip the dating part and head straight into a relationship, have never dumped a friend..because friends are close to me i dont change my feelings about wanting them in my life.......and if i wanted a relationship with a friend i would know it wasn't about the sex..... i am wanting deep intimacy with that guy .....and sex comes later......normally quite a bit later..... sex confuses so many people the emotions and the fear and the not knowing and the certainty that if there isn't a strong bond before sex...it can as you say all go south......i develop bonds before sex that are stronger .....i feel fro you, but thsi relationship isnt one you should pursue...maybe if she comes back and asks you....but otherwise its a no....wrong woman wrong time wrong time fro sex......there's no where to go after you have sex but commitment or dump.....and she is not committed to you obviously......before i jump in with a friend i am committed to them, not to hurt them or waste their time or mine, but i am committed to make it work..they were always my friend and i have respect enogh to treat them as such....well, treat them well in other words.........sex would just get in the way.....i overlook flaws and i get to know my guy friend on a deeper more intimate level, it doesnt take heaps of witty conversations but it does take time...and sex is out .......i am sorry i dont have any good news to say....except to say ...we all live and learn..some one always gets hurt...normally in my relationships....it is me for i put in 110 per cent i make the guy feel that.........and looks like it might be you this time...hugs....deb
Author Jarle Posted June 19, 2014 Author Posted June 19, 2014 Yeah I understand where you're coming from. I'm not exactly sure what I want to take from this whole experience or how I should handle it. She claims she can't imagine me not being in her life, and will always want me there. If she told me that a year ago I woulda been like sure whatever, as we hadn't ever been intimate. But at this point in time, it kind of feels to me like she has her cake and wants to eat it too. I typically struggle at being friends with the opposite gender as it always ends in ways similar to this, without me looking for it either. I suppose it will be a case of doing what I did several years back to get over her, which was finding someone else. Meh.
Recommended Posts