WasOtherWoman Posted June 19, 2014 Posted June 19, 2014 I have been WS (we divorced 7 yrs ago) and currently Im in love with a married man. So I know both sides... not all three, though. All I can say it that affairs are usually indicative that something is deeply wrong in the relationship itself... I dont buy this "our marriage was very good and then my spouse cheated". An affair is of course not a good solution to this situation, but it is - often - a sign that something is rotten underneath. And sometimes an explosion - as painful as it is - can be a good thing. Many marriages need to be dissolved. Mine was one of such kind, although our children were young teenagers at that time. But even they now say that it was good that we divorced, because we were unhappy. Agree, sometimes a marriage just needs to end. But why does there need to be an explosion? I really can't see how that is ever good.... can't the same be achieved without an explosion? 4
Author tornapart2002 Posted June 19, 2014 Author Posted June 19, 2014 It doesn't matter if the relationship is rotten underneath. How does an affair help that? It does nothing but make it worse. If a person chooses to go out and have an affair then they are making the situation worse. NOTHING ever JUSTIFIES and affair. Divorce the person. Be a man. Be a woman. Get some balls. Don't be a spineless piece of **** that does this to a person. Any person. P.S. I don't mean to be preaching at your specifically. I just caught that you said you are invovled with a married man, so don't take this as a shout at you personally. I'm just thinking about situations in general. I have been WS (we divorced 7 yrs ago) and currently Im in love with a married man. So I know both sides... not all three, though. All I can say it that affairs are usually indicative that something is deeply wrong in the relationship itself... I dont buy this "our marriage was very good and then my spouse cheated". An affair is of course not a good solution to this situation, but it is - often - a sign that something is rotten underneath. And sometimes an explosion - as painful as it is - can be a good thing. Many marriages need to be dissolved. Mine was one of such kind, although our children were young teenagers at that time. But even they now say that it was good that we divorced, because we were unhappy. 2
LYC Posted June 19, 2014 Posted June 19, 2014 I apologize. Truly. I misread what you were saying. I got a little wound up and I shouldn't have. I hope you will accept my apology. I was a bit tired at the time too. Not a good combination at all. I think you had a little help getting wound up And I get it, I do. You were hurt by someone who did what I was capable of doing. Plus without me clarifying why the BS in my case will know someday it may have sounded as if I was saying I wasn't going to stop until we are caught. Bad wording on my part. You clearly have a good heart. And I hope one day you can trust someone, whether that is your WH or whoever you choose, fully again. 1
purplesorrow Posted June 19, 2014 Posted June 19, 2014 I think you had a little help getting wound up And I get it, I do. You were hurt by someone who did what I was capable of doing. Plus without me clarifying why the BS in my case will know someday it may have sounded as if I was saying I wasn't going to stop until we are caught. Bad wording on my part. You clearly have a good heart. And I hope one day you can trust someone, whether that is your WH or whoever you choose, fully again. Truly curious, why are you capable of doing this? What is the mindset? I so I wish I understood how anyone can be ok inflicting such pain. Please don't respond if you feel I am overstepping any bounds. Thanks 1
Furious Posted June 19, 2014 Posted June 19, 2014 In conjunction with the WS of course. I do not say the OW/OM causes the pain to the BS on their own, but they certainly play a role. ANd of course, in many cases, the WS is the one who pursues the other person, so please, do not misunderstand that I am calling the OW/OM an evil person (but sometimes if the shoe fits... kidding! kidding! This is not something I've seen very much of on this particular forum at all). Shortly after Dday I had a married man approach me online. He was someone I knew. I thought he was offering me support. He wasn't. He was trying to take advantage of my fragile state and get me to have a revenge affair. I asked him to please talk to his wife about the issues he had with her. I couldn't see putting another woman through what I had just experienced. What had I experienced and am I experiencing was written perfectly in something someone shared with me on here the other day. SO perfectly it literally shattered me emotionally and left me sobbing for an hour. it was a literal break of a dam that I needed. I wish potential OW or OMs could read this before they choose to get involved with a married person. I wish they would afford both themselves and the other spouse some dignity, no matter how awful they think the spouse of the person is (many times we do not know the real story. In my case, I do feel the woman is cold-hearted and indifferent to her husband but that is something for him to address with her, not for me to hlp him with. and I do believe there can be a change there. I pray or it to happen for them both). If the two really love each other then divorce their spouses before engaging in an affair, but I do hope that maybe the couple can engage in some counseling before that divorce. it is of course not always possible or advisable! I must clarifity that in the last few weeks my WH has supported me amazingly well...beyond what I thought he was capable of. Truly. even when I'm angry and express it here, I'm shocked to later find him sitting next to me, asking to hold my hand so he can tell me again he's so sorryfor what he's done, and asking me what can he do to make this right. Yes.he's offered to leave if it is what I want, but he tells me it isn't what he wants. THe following quote can be found here: Infidelity causes severe trauma, but it's not your fault "Infidelity feels like intense hate that is intentionally meant to agonizingly carve the love right out of your heart. A sadistic and vengeful way to say, "I despise you like no other person on earth." It is the combination of evil and hate that rips at your heart spitting a venom of condemnation, from someone who feels like the devil, only this time the devil is wearing your spouses face. From an enemy you may expect such ruthlessness, but not from your spouse. It is the ultimate rejection of your very being from the person who knows you the most. It is horror that terrorizes every moment of your life as it kills your dreams of what your life is, was and will be. The shock of the assault feels no different than if your spouse plunged a knife deep into your heart, while you let out a bloodcurdling scream of destruction to your self-esteem and safety. It is mocking of your love, a statement of reprisal. The confusion so overwhelming and dismaying - How could this person who claimed to love you, dispose of your affections so ruthlessly, tearing them from your heart one vicious and bloody slash after another. Once the extraction is complete, leering at your anguish, as if now, you understand their disgust for you, and sneering with achievement as you accept their hatred. No respect is given to the gift of commitment upheld by you. It is implied as burdensome and irritating. Infidelity is torture of the heart, callous, calculated and cruel. It feels like acid eating through the depths of your soul, burning away the innocence of hope. In it's place the scars of cynicism wrap themselves around the belief in truth and justice. The phantom pains of love give rise to an inferno of rage, reopening the wounds of injustice. As the pain from the mutilation of your innocence assault every moral value, you judge yourself in blame. Infidelity says, my toleration of your inadequacy has reached an end. Yet these things are immeasurable to those who haven't experienced the pain. Only those who have experienced infidelity have a perceptible point of reference. " The pursuit of love is laid with the best intentions. Some people want love so badly that they may go outside their own moral code. Everyone is selfish to an extent, sometimes it's a person who has played by the rules and it didn't work for them. If you can't beat them, then join them. Sometimes, it's vulnerable people, who get played by a good liar. I think those who may have done something they regret can only see it and understand it with hindsight. Time, has a way of catching up to everyone, most people are not looking to hurt anyone, they just want love. Sadly, sometimes the pursuit of love is a road strewn with debris. I believe most people are inherently good and make poor choices sometimes. There's always hope. 4
Popsicle Posted June 20, 2014 Posted June 20, 2014 Agree, sometimes a marriage just needs to end. But why does there need to be an explosion? I really can't see how that is ever good.... can't the same be achieved without an explosion? Because an explosion is the only thing that will end it. 3
purplesorrow Posted June 20, 2014 Posted June 20, 2014 Because an explosion is the only thing that will end it. I've seen plenty of marriages end without the aid of an explosion. Of course in all of the situations both people were mature and honest. I always told my WH if he were unhappy in our marriage, life is much too short for that ànd I would divorce with no drama. The very same deal I made when I caught him cheating. How very strange he had no desire to leave our marriage nor me. It took the explosion for him to realize his own internal issues. 3
LYC Posted June 20, 2014 Posted June 20, 2014 Truly curious, why are you capable of doing this? What is the mindset? I so I wish I understood how anyone can be ok inflicting such pain. Please don't respond if you feel I am overstepping any bounds. Thanks One reason was I was scared of commitment. I liked my independence and the relationship allowed me to keep that. That was not why I got involved just one of the many excuses for holding on so long. The reason I got involved with him was because through our friendship he told me these terrible, downright abusive things his W would say to him. I wanted to show him he was worthy of unconditional love. I wanted him to be treated as I felt he deserved. Of course in hindsight, I only knew his side of the story. And loving someone unconditionally does not mean you have to be involved with them. The real problem though was unhealthy boundaries. I should have never been in the position to hear his side of the story. 1
Red123 Posted June 20, 2014 Posted June 20, 2014 Because an explosion is the only thing that will end it. As much as I would like to not agree with this(no offense ) I do for my M. Although it has not ended, the explosion was the only thing that woke us up. I know I will get flak for this but before the A we were in the worst place we had ever been and stagnant. Not just stagnant more like not wanting to even be in the same room anymore. I was so done with his lack of emotions and he with my over emotional state. He has changed so much to keep us and I don't think anything else, when I think back could have done that. The pain is bad but I would never want to go back there either. 1
purplesorrow Posted June 20, 2014 Posted June 20, 2014 One reason was I was scared of commitment. I liked my independence and the relationship allowed me to keep that. That was not why I got involved just one of the many excuses for holding on so long. The reason I got involved with him was because through our friendship he told me these terrible, downright abusive things his W would say to him. I wanted to show him he was worthy of unconditional love. I wanted him to be treated as I felt he deserved. Of course in hindsight, I only knew his side of the story. And loving someone unconditionally does not mean you have to be involved with them. The real problem though was unhealthy boundaries. I should have never been in the position to hear his side of the story. Thank you for taking the time to respond. The further I move from the pain, the more empathy I have for all involved. Peace to you. 1
Hope Shimmers Posted June 20, 2014 Posted June 20, 2014 (edited) The pursuit of love is laid with the best intentions. Some people want love so badly that they may go outside their own moral code. Everyone is selfish to an extent, sometimes it's a person who has played by the rules and it didn't work for them. If you can't beat them, then join them. Sometimes, it's vulnerable people, who get played by a good liar. I think those who may have done something they regret can only see it and understand it with hindsight. Time, has a way of catching up to everyone, most people are not looking to hurt anyone, they just want love. Sadly, sometimes the pursuit of love is a road strewn with debris. I believe most people are inherently good and make poor choices sometimes. There's always hope. Bless you for posting this. You have great insight into others - more than I even have into myself. The danger is that I don't want to come off as a victim. I am not. I didn't realize any of this until it was too late. I wanted to believe him. What I wanted was more important than his marriage to me. And I justified it that he wanted what I wanted, because he said so - but clearly he didn't, because look where he is now. Not with me. But yes, there is always hope. That's why I picked the name I did here. Edited June 20, 2014 by Hope Shimmers 2
Realist3 Posted June 20, 2014 Posted June 20, 2014 I know the OP tried to preface this with all of the niceties towards the OW/OM, but the fact remains that it was YOUR spouse, your spouse, that walked out of the relationship. The pain was already there, it just wasn't exposed. 2
Trustnoone Posted June 20, 2014 Posted June 20, 2014 Tornapart2002 Your reaction is understandable. The fact you could speak to him at all speaks volumes about you. I could never talk to her and be civil.I just know it would be one of those "seeing red" moments and I'd flip the hell out. Not proud of that, but I know I would... I struggled with not causing him harm. But I have children and need to be a role model. I came to a decision that I would only beat him if he threw the first punch. Hard to do when he insisted that we talk with a ford f150 between us. Coward. You mentioned "seeing red" and that is true. My rage was nearing out of control but my kids kept me grounded. I did tell WW she picked a real winner! When I told her he would only talk to me with an object between us she got a confused look on her face. I just sat and waited for the question. WW asks what object would that be? I calmly stated a ford f150! Her draw dropped. What a man!
Furious Posted June 20, 2014 Posted June 20, 2014 I know the OP tried to preface this with all of the niceties towards the OW/OM, but the fact remains that it was YOUR spouse, your spouse, that walked out of the relationship. The pain was already there, it just wasn't exposed. OP does not dispute your argument if you were to re-read her opening post. Everyone who has posted here seems to have no problem with what the topic is about. The honesty and openness, without rancour, in this thread is very polite and insightful. It's a breath of fresh air that many individuals from all sides have come together without negativity. It's baffling that you seem irate. 8
WasOtherWoman Posted June 20, 2014 Posted June 20, 2014 Because an explosion is the only thing that will end it. Why do you think that? Maybe we are taking the word explosion too literally here.... Maybe you really mean catalyst? 1
Author tornapart2002 Posted June 20, 2014 Author Posted June 20, 2014 Well, I guess that's better than an AK47...but still...what a pussy he was... I'm so not as polite about things as I used to be. Tornapart2002 Your reaction is understandable. The fact you could speak to him at all speaks volumes about you. I could never talk to her and be civil.I just know it would be one of those "seeing red" moments and I'd flip the hell out. Not proud of that, but I know I would... I struggled with not causing him harm. But I have children and need to be a role model. I came to a decision that I would only beat him if he threw the first punch. Hard to do when he insisted that we talk with a ford f150 between us. Coward. You mentioned "seeing red" and that is true. My rage was nearing out of control but my kids kept me grounded. I did tell WW she picked a real winner! When I told her he would only talk to me with an object between us she got a confused look on her face. I just sat and waited for the question. WW asks what object would that be? I calmly stated a ford f150! Her draw dropped. What a man!
jnel921 Posted June 21, 2014 Posted June 21, 2014 I don't buy the happy ending posters stories on here. Pretty much all of us are still in some sort of pain otherwise we wouldn't be on here. Please beleive that those of us that are in a better place are here because we want to support and perhaps offer some insight as to how things can get better. This shouldn't have to always be about pain....but recovery. And yes there are people here, myself included who are very happy. 1
sweet_pea Posted June 21, 2014 Posted June 21, 2014 Many know of the pain they cause, they just don't care.
Author tornapart2002 Posted June 21, 2014 Author Posted June 21, 2014 Many know of the pain they cause, they just don't care. A couple things happened this week that has made me realize this is really true. The FOW in my situation really makes it clear how wrong she wasn't and isn't. I'm fairly certain nothing will ever get through to her and she'll never change. It's not my job to do that. I can't change anyone. It was all just food for thought. Maybe it will make someone think...maybe it won't. Who knows. Sigh. Too late for me to be pondering all this.
Hope Shimmers Posted June 21, 2014 Posted June 21, 2014 A couple things happened this week that has made me realize this is really true. The FOW in my situation really makes it clear how wrong she wasn't and isn't. I'm fairly certain nothing will ever get through to her and she'll never change. It's not my job to do that. I can't change anyone. It was all just food for thought. Maybe it will make someone think...maybe it won't. Who knows. Sigh. Too late for me to be pondering all this. Please don't generalize to everyone. What is the truth for your WS's ex-AP is not the truth for all of us. 1
Spectre Posted June 23, 2014 Posted June 23, 2014 Selfish people rarely know just how much damage they do. A single act on a single night can have a ripple effect that lasts for years. 1
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