I wish OW/OMs knew the pain they cause...

[tornapart2002]

In conjunction with the WS of course.

 

I do not say the OW/OM causes the pain to the BS on their own, but they certainly play a role. ANd of course, in many cases, the WS is the one who pursues the other person, so please, do not misunderstand that I am calling the OW/OM an evil person (but sometimes if the shoe fits... kidding! kidding! This is not something I've seen very much of on this particular forum at all).

 

Shortly after Dday I had a married man approach me online. He was someone I knew. I thought he was offering me support. He wasn't. He was trying to take advantage of my fragile state and get me to have a revenge affair.

 

I asked him to please talk to his wife about the issues he had with her.

 

I couldn't see putting another woman through what I had just experienced.

 

What had I experienced and am I experiencing was written perfectly in something someone shared with me on here the other day. SO perfectly it literally shattered me emotionally and left me sobbing for an hour. it was a literal break of a dam that I needed.

 

I wish potential OW or OMs could read this before they choose to get involved with a married person. I wish they would afford both themselves and the other spouse some dignity, no matter how awful they think the spouse of the person is (many times we do not know the real story. In my case, I do feel the woman is cold-hearted and indifferent to her husband but that is something for him to address with her, not for me to hlp him with. and I do believe there can be a change there. I pray or it to happen for them both). If the two really love each other then divorce their spouses before engaging in an affair, but I do hope that maybe the couple can engage in some counseling before that divorce. it is of course not always possible or advisable!

 

I must clarifity that in the last few weeks my WH has supported me amazingly well...beyond what I thought he was capable of. Truly. even when I'm angry and express it here, I'm shocked to later find him sitting next to me, asking to hold my hand so he can tell me again he's so sorryfor what he's done, and asking me what can he do to make this right. Yes.he's offered to leave if it is what I want, but he tells me it isn't what he wants.

 

THe following quote can be found here: Infidelity causes severe trauma, but it's not your fault

 

 

"Infidelity feels like intense hate that is intentionally meant to agonizingly carve the love right out of your heart. A sadistic and vengeful way to say, "I despise you like no other person on earth." It is the combination of evil and hate that rips at your heart spitting a venom of condemnation, from someone who feels like the devil, only this time the devil is wearing your spouses face. From an enemy you may expect such ruthlessness, but not from your spouse. It is the ultimate rejection of your very being from the person who knows you the most. It is horror that terrorizes every moment of your life as it kills your dreams of what your life is, was and will be. The shock of the assault feels no different than if your spouse plunged a knife deep into your heart, while you let out a bloodcurdling scream of destruction to your self-esteem and safety. It is mocking of your love, a statement of reprisal. The confusion so overwhelming and dismaying - How could this person who claimed to love you, dispose of your affections so ruthlessly, tearing them from your heart one vicious and bloody slash after another. Once the extraction is complete, leering at your anguish, as if now, you understand their disgust for you, and sneering with achievement as you accept their hatred. No respect is given to the gift of commitment upheld by you. It is implied as burdensome and irritating. Infidelity is torture of the heart, callous, calculated and cruel. It feels like acid eating through the depths of your soul, burning away the innocence of hope. In it's place the scars of cynicism wrap themselves around the belief in truth and justice. The phantom pains of love give rise to an inferno of rage, reopening the wounds of injustice. As the pain from the mutilation of your innocence assault every moral value, you judge yourself in blame. Infidelity says, my toleration of your inadequacy has reached an end. Yet these things are immeasurable to those who haven't experienced the pain. Only those who have experienced infidelity have a perceptible point of reference. "

[WasOtherWoman]

Here's the thing though..... as an OW I cognitively understood that what I was about to do could potentially cause someone to be hurt (very likely myself included). Yet, I still proceeded (certainly not bragging about this).

 

Anyone with half a brain HAS to know that by getting involved with someone who is married you risk great pain for the person's spouse and yourself.

 

Worse is this... I WAS a BS many years ago. Yet... it is interesting what one can justify to one's self.

 

My point, sadly, despite reading on these boards or experiencing betrayal for one's self, when someone is on a path to destruction, they often stay there, despite the hazard signs that warn them.

[tornapart2002]

This is true, but if one person is swayed by it, it's worth it.

 

My WH was also betrayed. By the woman he had the affair with. Boggles my mind.

 

they may know they are hurting someone, but they may not understand how deep that hurt is until it's put in the right words for them.

 

There are many who will shut it out though. That's their choice, of course.

 

Here's the thing though..... as an OW I cognitively understood that what I was about to do could potentially cause someone to be hurt (very likely myself included). Yet, I still proceeded (certainly not bragging about this).

 

Anyone with half a brain HAS to know that by getting involved with someone who is married you risk great pain for the person's spouse and yourself.

 

Worse is this... I WAS a BS many years ago. Yet... it is interesting what one can justify to one's self.

 

My point, sadly, despite reading on these boards or experiencing betrayal for one's self, when someone is on a path to destruction, they often stay there, despite the hazard signs that warn them.

[WasOtherWoman]

Definitely don't disagree with you, if even one person is swayed that would be awesome.

[HereNorThere]

Sadly, quite a few of them well never know how deeply they hurt the BS even if they one day become a BS. In order to be hurt or or understand how you much you hurt another person, you have to be vulnerable and have empathy. True narcissists have little to none of these features, so it's a lot harder to connect with them on that level. Sure, you'll see them cry when they know they hurt you, but it's more about how bad they feel about losing that part of THEIR life and being exposed.

 

I always think it's neat how someone can spend months planning and committing such a horrendous betrayal on their family and then one day just "snap" out of it and become a good person. Good people do not do things like that and you certainly don't become one overnight by preparing a checklist of all the things they are going to/did to make it up to their family. It's like the terrorists sending a couple guys down to ground zero to help with the clean up. Too little, too late.

Edited June 18, 2014 by HereNorThere

[tornapart2002]

I hate to say I agree with this. In my case, the OW could care less what she did. It's all about her. I really hoped it wasn't and used to look for a sign she didn't feel this way, but it's never changed, at least based on what I've been told and seen on social media Of course, that doesn't mean it's how she truly feels.

 

She talks about what a victim she is and how silent she is..which is hilarious considering every day she has a new crisis or going off about how loyal she was in her marriage, how she never strayed or cheated and she can't believe her husband did (the only reason she says this is that her husband's affairs resulted in children. Gah. I do feel total disgust for her having to go through this...truly I do. Doesn't excuse her from what she did in my case, but I do totally think her husband is trash. )

 

 

Her husband left her a couple months ago but had been having affairs for the past four years. It's one reason she went after mine (yes..she really did go after him. That's my case, not always the case in all situations, but my husband did the same back after three years of her continually calling and trying to get him to see her, so I do NOT excuse him at ALL!)

 

I agree about the tears too...and that ground zero analogy...wow...nail on head.

 

Sadly, quite a few of them well never know how deeply they hurt the BS even if they one day become a BS. In order to be hurt or or understand how you much you hurt another person, you have to be vulnerable and have empathy. True narcissists have little to none of these features, so it's a lot harder to connect with them on that level. Sure, you'll see them cry when they know they hurt you, but it's more about how bad they feel about losing that part of THEIR life and being exposed.

 

I always think it's neat how someone can spend months planning and committing such a horrendous betrayal on their family and then one day just "snap" out of it and become a good person. Good people do not do things like that and you certainly don't become one overnight by preparing a checklist of all the things they are going to/did to make it up to their family. It's like the terrorists sending a couple guys down to ground zero to help with the clean up. Too little, too late.

[LYC]

First, let me state that I do not disagree with you. It would be wonderful if your words can sway someone away from having an affair with a married person. The reality is though we are all on our own journey in life. We learn and grow through our mistakes. Before I was involved with a MM it was always someone unavailable in one way or another. Physically distant or emotionally. I chose this type of man to protect myself after an abusive marriage.

I am absolutely not proud of my part in hurting the BS. She does not know about me but one day she will and I will have to face her pain. I am not looking forward to that. But since this experience, I know I will absolutely never, ever without a doubt never be involved in a betrayal like this again.

Unfortunately no words would have stopped me because he was whispering the words I most needed to hear when I met him.

I am sorry for your pain. Sometimes the OW/OM is not evil. Sometimes we are just broken.

[tornapart2002]

Did you read it at all? Did you read what it feels like?

 

At least you now know what the woman in your situation has to look forward to.

 

If you know you are broken then you know what you are doing is wrong and that you need to be fixed.

 

I can't fix that. Neither can words. Only you can.

 

I'm sorry if this sounding harsh, but I have a hard time reading things from people who say they know what they are doing but they are going to continue to do it anyhow because they are getting thir needs mets. The OW in my situation got her needs met too.

 

I got panic attacks, nightmares, humiliation, shame, my neighbors talking behind my back, losing contact with my nieces because my sister in law somehow blamed me, my son crying every single night his dad was out of the house, feeling like a piece of **** woman and like I am worth nothing, people telling me I need to "just get over it" a vindictive OBH ready to make our lives a living hell and the inability to look anyone in the eye anymore or trust anyone because I was made a fool out of for over a year..

 

But you know what....? At least her needs got met and she got to feel ****ing good about herself for awhile.

And at least your man whispered some sweet little nothings into your ear while systimatically destroying his wife from the inside out.

 

 

First, let me state that I do not disagree with you. It would be wonderful if your words can sway someone away from having an affair with a married person. The reality is though we are all on our own journey in life. We learn and grow through our mistakes. Before I was involved with a MM it was always someone unavailable in one way or another. Physically distant or emotionally. I chose this type of man to protect myself after an abusive marriage.

I am absolutely not proud of my part in hurting the BS. She does not know about me but one day she will and I will have to face her pain. I am not looking forward to that. But since this experience, I know I will absolutely never, ever without a doubt never be involved in a betrayal like this again.

Unfortunately no words would have stopped me because he was whispering the words I most needed to hear when I met him.

I am sorry for your pain. Sometimes the OW/OM is not evil. Sometimes we are just broken.

Edited June 19, 2014 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[LYC]

Did you read it at all? Did you read what it feels like?

 

At least you now know what the woman in your situation has to look forward to.

 

If you know you are broken then you know what you are doing is wrong and that you need to be fixed.

 

I can't fix that. Neither can words. Only you can.

 

I'm sorry if this sounding harsh, but I have a hard time reading things from people who say they know what they are doing but they are going to continue to do it anyhow because they are getting thir needs mets. The OW in my situation got her needs met too.

 

I got panic attacks, nightmares, humiliation, shame, my neighbors talking behind my back, losing contact with my nieces because my sister in law somehow blamed me, my son crying every single night his dad was out of the house, feeling like a piece of **** woman and like I am worth nothing, people telling me I need to "just get over it" a vindictive OBH ready to make our lives a living hell and the inability to look anyone in the eye anymore or trust anyone because I was made a fool out of for over a year..

 

But you know what....? At least her needs got met and she got to feel ****ing good about herself for awhile.

And at least your man whispered some sweet little nothings into your ear while systimatically destroying his wife from the inside out.

 

Again, where did it state this was continuing?

Edited June 19, 2014 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[William]

Members are reminded to work the topic about the pain from an affair and to refrain, per policy, from bringing discussions from other threads into this thread. Focus on this topic and in a civil and respectful manner. Thanks!

[gettingstronger]

I understand what you are saying, I really do. However I think people in all types of situations don't understand the pain they are putting others through. This is especially true when they don't actually know you personally. Social circle affairs are particularly hideous because they do directly know all parties involved

 

For me, I wish OWs in particular would read the OW more. The pain these women put themselves through is unimaginable. I know each thinks that won't be then but without fail, we see it over and over.

 

I don't buy the happy ending posters stories on here. Pretty much all of us are still in some sort of pain otherwise we wouldn't be here.

 

I guess what I'm saying is I wish all involved would learn and grow and not deny the pain not only coming for the BS but for themselves as well.

 

Affairs are an unnecessary evil inflicted from one human to another and it's just so wrong, for everyone.

[Trustnoone]

I had the pleasure/ displeasure of speaking to OM twice after d-day. First time I asked if he knew how his actions would destroy his family. He said no. I was amazed at how ignorant both he and WW were that two families are now destroyed. Every day my WW sees my pain and it eats her alive. She is ashamed and disgusted by her actions. The second time I spoke to OM I asked how are your daughters taking this? Your wife? He said both daughters refuse to speak with him and his wife is severely depressed. I told him to go home and be a man. First time in your life be a man. Go support your family and try to alleviate their pain. Support them and get them help if needed. OM is anything but a man as he hasn't tried to help his family much at all. Why did I listen to my therapist and WW and just choke him until he is lifeless. Sorry my pain and anger are through the roof again!

[Clay]

Believe me OW suffer, I have now been crying everyday for 8 months, thoughts of suicide and doing mad stuff, anger, hate, overwhelming feelings of desperation after seeing him everyday for many years and then LC, I am paying for this love big time.

 

If you are feeling suicidal please get help. My daughter killed herself 3 months ago. I am a BS and I don't believe anyone deserves to die. Please seek help.

 

Clay

[Red123]

I'm so sorry Clay.

[WasOtherWoman]

 

I'm sorry if this sounding harsh, but I have a hard time reading things from people who say they know what they are doing but they are going to continue to do it anyhow because they are getting thir needs mets.

 

The above is not harsh, it is how you feel. I can certainly understand that.

 

As for continuing do do things anyhow....when I was in my affair, I DID care about his BS. I just cared about me more. That is about as honest as I can be here, fully understanding how this makes me sound.

 

My situation, as all do, has a back story, but really when I was engaged in an affair with my MM I had no way of knowing if it was actually true. That said, SOMEONE was going to wind up with this man. I wanted it to be me. It was not about getting needs met in this situation, being in an affair didn't meet my needs. I was playing for keeps.

 

When you are the one doing the "bad thing" you have all sorts of justifications as to why your situation is different. That is how we justify to ourselves continuing to do it anyway. Certainly does not make it right, but maybe helps you understand the mindset. It is a very selfish one.....

[dichotomy]

As mentioned by a few....OW/OM or even WS....may know the pain they caused, they just don't care. Guilt and regret is not in them. This is called "Character Disturbance" and has been written about by Dr. George Simon.

 

A partial bit of writing from Dr. Simon

 

"The problems of disturbed and disordered characters experience are very different in character. For one thing, the “symptoms” of their dysfunction don’t cause them too much pain at all. Rather, they cause pain and hardship for those around them. That’s why instead of seeking help, they’re often pressured into getting it. And although the troublesome behaviors they display might be so ingrained that they occur fairly “automatically,” that doesn’t mean the disturbed character isn’t fully conscious of them or the impact they have on others. Disturbed characters are, for the most part, very much aware. Most of the time, they’ve heard a thousand times and from many sources just what attitudes they hold and behaviors they display are a problem for others. So they certainly don’t need a therapist or anyone else for that matter to help them “see” the error of their ways. They know their ways inside-out. And because so much of the time these ways get them the things they want, they are easily reinforced in their behavior patterns. So, as I have said many times, they already “see” but simply “disagree” in their hearts with the ways of thinking and standards of conduct others want them to adopt. Traditionally-minded therapists have a very difficult time understanding the whole concept of the disturbed character’s awareness"

 

 

 

 

You see the days of neurotic, guilty, regretful people are coming to an end. How many times have you seen someone say "I live my life without regrets"....scary **** these days.

Edited June 19, 2014 by dichotomy

[tornapart2002]

Again, where did it state this was continuing?

 

I apologize. Truly. I misread what you were saying. I got a little wound up and I shouldn't have. I hope you will accept my apology. I was a bit tired at the time too. Not a good combination at all.

[tornapart2002]

Your reaction is understandable. The fact you could speak to him at all speaks volumes about you. I could never talk to her and be civil.I just know it would be one of those "seeing red" moments and I'd flip the hell out. Not proud of that, but I know I would...

 

I had the pleasure/ displeasure of speaking to OM twice after d-day. First time I asked if he knew how his actions would destroy his family. He said no. I was amazed at how ignorant both he and WW were that two families are now destroyed. Every day my WW sees my pain and it eats her alive. She is ashamed and disgusted by her actions. The second time I spoke to OM I asked how are your daughters taking this? Your wife? He said both daughters refuse to speak with him and his wife is severely depressed. I told him to go home and be a man. First time in your life be a man. Go support your family and try to alleviate their pain. Support them and get them help if needed. OM is anything but a man as he hasn't tried to help his family much at all. Why did I listen to my therapist and WW and just choke him until he is lifeless. Sorry my pain and anger are through the roof again!

[tornapart2002]

If he did this to you....wouldn't leave his wife/girlfriend/whatever for you,then he is not a real man and you do not deserve to be thinking about suicide based on HIS actions. Yes, it was yours too, but suicide is never the answer. Seek help, please. Look around you at life and know that there is a future for you that is going to be 10 times better than what he could have offered you.

 

I'm sorry for your pain.

 

You, as a person, are worthy of love and you deserve someone who will focus on you and only you.

 

Believe me OW suffer, I have now been crying everyday for 8 months, thoughts of suicide and doing mad stuff, anger, hate, overwhelming feelings of desperation after seeing him everyday for many years and then LC, I am paying for this love big time.

[tornapart2002]

If you are feeling suicidal please get help. My daughter killed herself 3 months ago. I am a BS and I don't believe anyone deserves to die. Please seek help.

 

Clay

 

I'm so sorry, Clay. You're in my thoughts and prayers....You must be living a nightmare on top of everything else you have been through.

[tornapart2002]

As long as you are getting some help, I think that's all any of us could hope for.

 

I, for one, knew what you were trying to say and completely understand why you were putting it that way. Please take care of yourself.

 

I'm sorry this is not about me, I just wanted the OP to know that OW can suffer greatly too. We can all be fooled. I had thought of ending it all but got medication but I'm still in great pain as OP is.

[Clay]

I really did not mean to thread Jack. I just feel its important to help people when they are having those feelings.

 

Our lives are all complex and the things we have to try to overcome can be extremely difficult but its not impossible.

 

I am sorry for the pain you both are experiencing.

 

Clay

[Charlie Harper]

I think most of us have wrong education, instruction or even family behaviour.

 

We feel entitled, we deserve, we need, we want, we have to…. everything revolves around what we have been told to expect from life and the mort important:

 

OUR LIFE WILL BE COMPLETE WITH SOMEONE ELSE AND THAT SOMEONE BETTER MAKE IT GOOD

 

WHY? life to oneself is hard as it is, to carry the burden of making others happy is not OUR GOAL, or goal is be happy ourselves and if we are generous, we want or help other to be happy GOOD, but its not our GOAL.

 

Why I am saying this?

 

Because we think a BS, kills our heart, betrays our love, cheats on us….. NO read it again NO

 

A BS, betrays his promise of be faithful and to put 100% into our relationship, Cheats on it promise and can't kill our love, the BS kills his love for you, that is why an A occurs

BS deprecate its values, its integrity and its morals.

 

When my WW told she had an affair 8 years prior to her conffesion, I became sad, I went to memory lane to seek why it happen? the thousands of WHY´s BS feel the need to know, we had a wonderful life, money, travels, 2 wonderful kids, great sex…..WHY WHY WHY? Then it dawned on me when I felt I was going to go into deep depression… she destroyed it ! I was not guilty of anything, if anything it was for loving her as much as I could 24/7 and undeservedly so…

 

A great tranquility was found in my heart, the pain subsided and I began to see her more as a person who needed help, I tried 3 years to make her happy, travels M.C. tons of stuff, presents you name it, till I finally came to the realisation that she did not love me anymore, and that was HER FAULT, I could never be embarrassed or regret loving her as much as I did.

 

Yes a lot of pain is cause by infidelity, but our family, our S, our parent need to know that each of us is responsible for its wrongdoings, you only need to act with integrity. love and selfishness, if other can't, well that is none of our business, as much as we are not responsible for the happiness of other…

[Hope Shimmers]

The above is not harsh, it is how you feel. I can certainly understand that.

 

As for continuing do do things anyhow....when I was in my affair, I DID care about his BS. I just cared about me more. That is about as honest as I can be here, fully understanding how this makes me sound.

 

My situation, as all do, has a back story, but really when I was engaged in an affair with my MM I had no way of knowing if it was actually true. That said, SOMEONE was going to wind up with this man. I wanted it to be me. It was not about getting needs met in this situation, being in an affair didn't meet my needs. I was playing for keeps.

 

When you are the one doing the "bad thing" you have all sorts of justifications as to why your situation is different. That is how we justify to ourselves continuing to do it anyway. Certainly does not make it right, but maybe helps you understand the mindset. It is a very selfish one.....

 

tornapart - unfortunately I have to agree with this. I didn't want to hurt anyone, least of all her, but I was more concerned about what I wanted. I justified it by saying it was what he wanted too. All kinds of justifications. Selfish.

 

I don't buy the happy ending posters stories on here.

 

Suddenly I'm totally agreeing with you on that one!

 

If you are feeling suicidal please get help. My daughter killed herself 3 months ago. I am a BS and I don't believe anyone deserves to die. Please seek help. Clay

 

This makes me want to cry. I'm so sorry - I can't even imagine that kind of pain.

[gia37]

I have been WS (we divorced 7 yrs ago) and currently Im in love with a married man. So I know both sides... not all three, though.

 

All I can say it that affairs are usually indicative that something is deeply wrong in the relationship itself... I dont buy this "our marriage was very good and then my spouse cheated". An affair is of course not a good solution to this situation, but it is - often - a sign that something is rotten underneath.

 

And sometimes an explosion - as painful as it is - can be a good thing. Many marriages need to be dissolved. Mine was one of such kind, although our children were young teenagers at that time. But even they now say that it was good that we divorced, because we were unhappy.