TheyCallMeOx Posted June 18, 2014 Posted June 18, 2014 My previous relationship was a "first love" experience, and I've been very cautious about things ever since then. I guess you could say that I've let my "guard up" when it comes to relationships. During my previous relationship, I had a lot of trust issues with my ex. I was always afraid of her doing something behind my back, and I was always afraid of her leaving me. I didn't wanna lose her. Some people say that you have to trust your partner, but I don't view it like that anymore. From what I've learned, it's important to "trust yourself." Now that I've been in a relationship for a little while, I'm not afraid of the things I used to be. I wouldn't say that I trust my partner, but I trust myself that, regardless of what happens, I'm going to be okay. My girlfriend seems open and honest with me, so I don't think she'd do anything manipulating or anything like that, but I'm not afraid even if she wasn't open and honest with me. Compared to my previous relationship, I love the way I feel. I'm no longer concerned about what she's doing behind my back, I don't try to get her e-mail passwords or anything like that, and I let her have all the privacy she wants. I feel weight lifted off my shoulders, and it definitely makes relationships better because I can focus on what's going on right now rather than spend my time being afraid of what's going to happen down the road. I don't have that kind of vulnerability. I know that if my girlfriend were to break up with me, cheat on me, etc, I would be hurt to a certain extent, but I wouldn't be NEAR as devastated as I was in my last relationship. I don't want to judge how I'm supposed to feel based on romantic love songs such as "All of me" by John Legend, but from what I've read on the internet and what I've learned in romantic love songs...I'm getting the impression that what I'm supposed to feel is exactly the opposite of what I feel now: I'm supposed to feel vulnerable, I'm supposed to be afraid, etc. If I'm not, that means I'm not really loving someone the best of my abilities. My girlfriend and I have had arguments about our feelings, and it's disappointing to know that I don't feel the same way she feels about me. She's more vulnerable than I am. I love the way I feel, but it's disappointing at the same time because I hate having to explain why I feel the way I feel. In my mind, I am completely rational and totally realistic with my expectations on a relationship, but potentially, in my girlfriend's eyes, how I feel is just downright wrong. Am I just not ready to get back into a relationship or something? Have I just not found the right girl? Is how I feel the way I'm supposed to feel after my first heartbreak? What's going on?
Philosoraptor Posted June 18, 2014 Posted June 18, 2014 Trusting yourself doesn't mean you have to have any guard up. It's allowing yourself to feel deeply while also knowing that if something doesn't seem right you will notice and react appropriately.
clia Posted June 18, 2014 Posted June 18, 2014 I think you sound very healthy and secure, and I don't think there is anything at all wrong with how you are feeling. You are right on -- you will be okay if things don't work out. I think that's a great place to be. I personally don't think people who are mistrustful and suspicious of their partners (to the extent that they are demanding e-mail passwords and worried about every move their partners make) are healthy people. To me, that seems like no way to live. As far as love songs -- a lot of them are based on completely screwed up, unhealthy relationships, so I think you are probably better off if you don't feel that way!
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