Girl wrecking my head with stupid games

[jo2932]

Hi

 

Just registered to ask about this little date I went on and If anyone can offer me some advice.

 

I just got out of a long relationship, was finishing my degree, and focused on college. So I have not been dating for a while. I am recently turned 30. I met this 22 year old girl and asked her out. We went out on a date (she was 20 mins late but text to say she was running late). We had a great time and ended up kissing for hours. I walked her home, ended up kissing her on the couch and then excused myself and promised her I'd arrange for a future date.

 

Then I text her to take her to a pub with music she mentioned she wanted to see (i'm a local, she is not). So we arranged to meet at the weekend. She text me an hour beforehand explaining she couldn't meet up but could we do something next week. I text I understand and to have fun. I was pissed that she didnt actually call me but I am a bit older and maybe people that age text all the time, I don't have a clue really.

 

I did expect her to arrange a new time, or to text me when she got back from her trip (she was getting up real early and was going down the country with a mutual friend). I heard nothing back from her until today (5 days later) and I asked her did she want to do something at the weekend. She rang me within a half an hour. Great I thought when I saw the message. But when she rang she just explained she was so busy and then told me about all the stuff she was doing. Ok, I said. She said she was going back to her country for 2 weeks. Ok, I said. We made some small chat and then she said 'I have to get some lunch. Take care'.

 

I hung up the phone, more resentful than anything. I at last expected her to say 'see you when I get back' or at the very least 'talk to you soon'. Take care just came across as petty. The problem is that I can get many dates (I have one next week with a beautfiul girl nearer to my own age) and we have mutual friends who know I am not a lonely guy. But I have value, and I believe a person should try a bit harder when they act like this. Not to play games, just etiquette really. I have been on plenty of dates with girls and I have never been so surprised at someone's behaviour. If someone doesn't like someone, they tell then. We are all adults. No problem.

 

I suppose what I am trying to discern is if she seems to be trying to play hard to get (but making a real balls of it), or not interested (which I find a bit sad, as I wouldn't waste my time. I am a man. I have better things to do. Just say it and I will be fine).

 

Just curious about all this. I have deleted her number and am going to ignore her if/when she calls. But I was just keen to know what might have been going on in her mind, I mean I honestly believe I could have slept with her on the first date, but I wanted to respect her and treat her with dignity. Is it an age thing?

 

I am no angel. Believe me. If I seem direct It's only because I am trying to convey why I feel irked. In person I always en-devour to be pleasant, kind and charming. We really had a great time on the first date. Just confused. Are younger women usually more prone to this stuff?

 

J

[ThorntonMelon]

Girl wrecking my head with stupid games

 

Unless this has been more than one date, she hasn't had the chance to wreck you yet.

 

I suppose what I am trying to discern is if she seems to be trying to play hard to get

 

Absolutely not. She is just being a flaky immature girl.

 

Just curious about all this. I have deleted her number and am going to ignore her if/when she calls.

 

Why? You like her, you're casually dating, why not go out again if she wants? I mean, she's clearly not emotionally aware right now, but you know that going in, so if she wants to have fun, have fun.

 

Are younger women usually more prone to this stuff?

 

I think immature people of both sexes often times are not attentive enough of the feelings of others.

[Zahara]

I've done this before. I'm not proud of it but back in my 20's and being stupid and a flake -- I did this because I was not so into the guy but being that he was giving me attention, I would try to stick it out. Cancel dates at the last minute because no matter how much I talked myself into it, at the last minute I'd bail because I just wasn't into the guy and spending time with him. I'd agree to dates because maybe by the time date night arrives, maybe I'd feel differently. I'd hold on because he was a nice guy and nice guys don't come easy and maybe I can learn to like him.

 

Move on from her. You keep saying you have other great women you can date and you have a life outside of this, then don't make this your priority. Go date women that are emotionally available and responsive to you.

[PegNosePete]

It sounds like she's doing the Slow Fade.

 

Seems a bit excessive to delete the number and not answer if she tries to call again, though. I would have simply dated others while she's away/busy, and if she calls again, take it from there... if not, no loss. Playing the victim isn't going to get you anywhere.

[jo2932]

 

Unless this has been more than one date, she hasn't had the chance to wreck you yet.

 

 

 

Absolutely not. She is just being a flaky immature girl.

 

 

 

Why? You like her, you're casually dating, why not go out again if she wants? I mean, she's clearly not emotionally aware right now, but you know that going in, so if she wants to have fun, have fun.

 

 

 

I think immature people of both sexes often times are not attentive enough of the feelings of others.

 

Thanks for the response. I can see your points. The last thing I want to do is to give someone a chance to boost their ego at my expense. But I did enjoy her company and we had a load in common, but this behaviour is not attractive. So I doubt I will respond to her if she calls, but who knows. I am looking forward to seeing the next girl. So I'm sure I won't be thinking about her for long.

[Mrin]

Busy girl with a bunch of stuff going on. You're down on the priority list so you get the ax. If you were looking for a relationship right now with her, I would move on. But if you are cool dating her once in a while, don't go all NC on her.

 

However, and this is a big however, what I find to be a huge red flag and inexcusable is the cancellation one hour before the actual date. There better be a damn good excuse - medical emergency etc... I'd let her know that in some fashion or if she does it again, ditch her completely. Your time is too valuable to be wasted like that.

[jo2932]

I've done this before. I'm not proud of it but back in my 20's and being stupid and a flake -- I did this because I was not so into the guy but being that he was giving me attention, I would try to stick it out. Cancel dates at the last minute because no matter how much I talked myself into it, at the last minute I'd bail because I just wasn't into the guy and spending time with him. I'd agree to dates because maybe by the time date night arrives, maybe I'd feel differently. I'd hold on because he was a nice guy and nice guys don't come easy and maybe I can learn to like him.

 

Move on from her. You keep saying you have other great women you can date and you have a life outside of this, then don't make this your priority. Go date women that are emotionally available and responsive to you.

 

thank you for the response. Again I can see the value in this advcie. There is more to the story than I have let on but those are the essentials. I don't think either of us really see this thing as being more than a bit of fun. So I can't take it too personally.

 

Maybe she isn't into me. Fair enough. That's life I suppose. I would just prefer if women were more direct. It seems incongruent after the first date that she didn't like me, but it is 100% possible and I am starting to see it more that way after your response.

[jo2932]

It sounds like she's doing the Slow Fade.

 

Seems a bit excessive to delete the number and not answer if she tries to call again, though. I would have simply dated others while she's away/busy, and if she calls again, take it from there... if not, no loss. Playing the victim isn't going to get you anywhere.

 

I don't know what the slow fade is, but I can guess from the name. No matter. I was keen on seeing people's perspectives and now I feel like I have a wider picture. I have to stress, however, that I am not playing the victim - but it may sound like that from the tone of my message. If I see her again I will be polite and civil. Life is too short.

 

The reason I deleted the number was instinct. I just said to myself 'delete her number' and then I wondered for her thought process and felt a bit of impartial advice would help me see things. Thank you for your response I appreciate it.

[d0nnivain]

22 year olds with busy social lives are not interested in relationships. If you are there, great. If you are not, she doesn't mind.

 

Stop wasting time chasing her.

 

If you bump into her, hook up assuming you are not exclusive with somebody else but for now stop making her a priority

[jo2932]

Busy girl with a bunch of stuff going on. You're down on the priority list so you get the ax. If you were looking for a relationship right now with her, I would move on. But if you are cool dating her once in a while, don't go all NC on her.

 

However, and this is a big however, what I find to be a huge red flag and inexcusable is the cancellation one hour before the actual date. There better be a damn good excuse - medical emergency etc... I'd let her know that in some fashion or if she does it again, ditch her completely. Your time is too valuable to be wasted like that.

 

Yes, it was a bit of a slap on the face. So lesson learned! She is very attractive so perhaps she feels it's OK. I 100% agree that cancelling that late via text is a huge red flag. I think I was going to give her another chance if she arranged the details but considering her call I just deleted her number. I think you hit the nail on the head as to why I reacted as abruptly. Again, thank you for your perspective.

[jo2932]

22 year olds with busy social lives are not interested in relationships. If you are there, great. If you are not, she doesn't mind.

 

Stop wasting time chasing her.

 

If you bump into her, hook up assuming you are not exclusive with somebody else but for now stop making her a priority

 

Yes, this is the plan! She is already gone as a priority. Thanks for the response.

[jo2932]

I can see a theme between all the answers so I appreciate the responses. They are all correct in some way I think so It has been very useful. If anyone has anything further to add, sure why not !

[Zahara]

Maybe she isn't into me. Fair enough. That's life I suppose. I would just prefer if women were more direct. It seems incongruent after the first date that she didn't like me, but it is 100% possible and I am starting to see it more that way after your response.

 

Yes, we would all prefer that. Most times, especially in these types of situations, people run, duck and hide. Not ideal but that's why it's better to learn from the signs rather than wait for someone to be upfront and honest with how they feel.

[jo2932]

Yes, we would all prefer that. Most times, especially in these types of situations, people run, duck and hide. Not ideal but that's why it's better to learn from the signs rather than wait for someone to be upfront and honest with how they feel.

 

Indeed. Ah well, no use over thinking it. I have a much better feeling about this other girl i'm seeing. It was a lot more relaxed.

[Fondue]

I didn't even have to read the original post to write this answer:

 

Leave her.

 

Anyone who bothers to play games with you, especially to the point of "wrecking your head," is simply not worth it.

 

Really. Don't be an idiot.

[preraph]

She's not playing hard to get. She's 22 and busy and has many many other interests besides you and isn't about to get tied down to an older guy. No, you're not that old, but to a 22 year old, you probably are regarded as old. Truth is, you're in your prime, but you need to be dating women over 25 (our brains aren't even finished developing until 25) to get a responsible more focused person. The world is this girl's oyster. Every door is open to her. Don't over think it. I dated a 21 yr old when I was even older than you and it was just utter chaos. I called it off right away, no matter how cute he was. He had so many irons in the fire and was so careless.

 

To a woman in her mid to late 20s, you will seem very attractive and seasoned, so don't waste time on someone else's vicarious youth!

[jo2932]

She's not playing hard to get. She's 22 and busy and has many many other interests besides you and isn't about to get tied down to an older guy. No, you're not that old, but to a 22 year old, you probably are regarded as old. Truth is, you're in your prime, but you need to be dating women over 25 (our brains aren't even finished developing until 25) to get a responsible more focused person. The world is this girl's oyster. Every door is open to her. Don't over think it. I dated a 21 yr old when I was even older than you and it was just utter chaos. I called it off right away, no matter how cute he was. He had so many irons in the fire and was so careless.

 

To a woman in her mid to late 20s, you will seem very attractive and seasoned, so don't waste time on someone else's vicarious youth!

 

Ah finally, a hopeful answer! I feel this is very true (the first part) and no doubt I would get along better with someone my own age. I made an effort to over look her age, as she was intelligent etc. but I did wonder if my own age would put her off. I mean, yea, when I was 22 a 30-year old was aincient. It is easy to forget that sometimes. Thanks for the response.

[Elle1975]

I can see a theme between all the answers so I appreciate the responses. They are all correct in some way I think so It has been very useful. If anyone has anything further to add, sure why not !

 

I can appreciate a man making an effort to plan dates and overall show his interest, but she doesn't.. so why waste your time? Especially after just one date.

 

I'd go with the second option, a nice girl closer to your age, and who seems interested.

[DarkKnight1]

I think you should have got the pussy of her on the first date instead of playing the gentleman BS

[bubbaganoosh]

Basically she gamed herself out of a date. If she wants to play games then she can save that for a twenty year old guy but your 30 and aren't in to these kinds of high school drama stories.

 

Move on and enjoy life because is she wants to play games now, then expect more games down the line.

 

She'll stop only when she gets gamed, then she'll know what it feels like.

[jo2932]

I can appreciate a man making an effort to plan dates and overall show his interest, but she doesn't.. so why waste your time? Especially after just one date.

 

I'd go with the second option, a nice girl closer to your age, and who seems interested.

 

Yea, I know. She was fairly keen though and asked me could she see me again. (Cue the barrage of people who are going to point out why I am 1. an idiot and 2. an idiot for misreading that!)

 

Yea. I am going to stick to girls older from now on.

[jo2932]

Basically she gamed herself out of a date. If she wants to play games then she can save that for a twenty year old guy but your 30 and aren't in to these kinds of high school drama stories.

 

Move on and enjoy life because is she wants to play games now, then expect more games down the line.

 

She'll stop only when she gets gamed, then she'll know what it feels like.

 

I think there is an element of game at play, an element of her being busy, and an element of her not caring that much. I also suspect an element of immaturity. Basically, I don't think any one person on here is 100% right, but everyone is kind of right.

[jo2932]

I think you should have got the pussy of her on the first date instead of playing the gentleman BS

 

I suppose I didn't want to come across as a scumbag.

[umirano]

Maybe she likes to be chased but doesn't want to really commit and consequently she keeps you interested but doesn't quite want to make things clear. 22 is pretty young. In my impression most 22yo are still pretty immature, but they desperately want to be able to commit and do all the grown up stuff. But they mentally just aren't ready. Check nofeelings22's thread, or my own

 

good luck

[jo2932]

Maybe she likes to be chased but doesn't want to really commit and consequently she keeps you interested but doesn't quite want to make things clear. 22 is pretty young. In my impression most 22yo are still pretty immature, but they desperately want to be able to commit and do all the grown up stuff. But they mentally just aren't ready. Check nofeelings22's thread, or my own

 

good luck

 

Thanks for the reply. Yea, it's hard to know. I was feeling this position more before I opened the thread. 22 is definitely too young. I was sleeping with a 22 year old a few months back and she was an idiot. Then I dated a 24 year old who was a bit better, but still not right for all sorts of reasons. Trouble is that where I am living is statistically the youngest city in Europe, and I went back to college so I am surrounded by people in their early 20s.

 

Definitely think she likes to be chased. But she could just as easily be not that bothered but enjoying the attention. In either case, I am not going to chase after her. Lesson learned I guess.

 

If she gets back to me in a few weeks and we hit it off i'll find out exactly what was going through her mind haha