has anyone here been REALLY mean/nasty to their ex?

[Ordinaryday]

on the whole even when I dumped I try to be nice and amicable and leave on good terms, and I usually manage that.

 

But several of my dumpers wanted their cake and to eat it as well, by which I mean they wanted out of a relationship with me but they still wanted the benefits they felt being in contact with me as a 'friend' gave them.

 

so they dumped me and even though I specified "please don't contact me unless it is about us getting back together" they would occasionally send me breadcrumbs or ask me to do a favour for them or something, even though they dumped me.

 

at first I would ignore her, if she kept texting me I would respond back again with "please leave me alone unless you want to get back together" and I thought that would be pretty clear... but ONE GIRL STILL DIDNT GET THE HINT and texted me again to which I responded back incredibly nastily, basically telling her to eff off and never ever contact me again.

 

I didn't want to be nasty, I wanted to be nice, but I felt she pushed me into a corner and being nasty was the only way to get through to her. I feel bad about it, but I didnt know what else I could do.

 

has anyone here ever felt they had to be really nasty/mean to the dumper? why? what happened? did you apologise later on?

 

for the record I never apologised - not cos I didnt feel bad about it, just cos I didnt want to open up a dialogue with them again.

[No Limit]

It might not be the nicest thing to do, but if someone only gets it the hard way, the hard way is the only option.

 

But truth be told, if certain people dared to contact me again, I'd snap at them as well. Just let it rest and hope she got it this time, otherwise just block her?

[Elle1975]

No, but I am not spiteful in nature. I can understand why some people would say hurtful things in the midst of a break up, and would regret them later on.

 

Being nasty probably doesn't make it any easier to walk away. I wonder if it actually makes it harder? It also probably leaves the need to apologize.

[Ordinaryday]

Being nasty probably doesn't make it any easier to walk away. I wonder if it actually makes it harder? It also probably leaves the need to apologize.

 

why was I nasty to my ex? because a lot of my dumpers often have this condescending tone and holier-than-thou fake polite attitude where they say meaningless things like "I will always treasure the time we spent together" (but not enough to want to stay with you) and "good luck with your studies, you'll do great!" (but I wont be there to support you through them) and "I wish you all the best with the future, you will make it you!!!!" (but I wont be there with you).

 

forget that! I would rather they HATE me than fake-polite 'support' me!

[umirano]

I don't see anything wrong with your behavior OP. You let them know politely the first time. If they're too damn dumb or just impertinent and getting off on their condescending messages they deserve all the nastiness in the world.

 

Yeah some people are more relaxed and that's great. I'm not. I'm a spiteful, revengeful guy . If they hurt you it's ok to hurt them back. Eye for an eye or so they say.

 

I'm never impolite or aggressive towards the dumper (got dumped twice only so far). I accept it, they're mature and free to be with or end things with whoever they want. I don't degrade myself pleading and begging. But if the dumper dishes out two-faced "It's all cool, right"-type-of-messages they'll get taught a lesson. I'm not going to be someones emotional crutch just because they managed to get my feelings go crazy for them.

 

And when I'm the dumper I don't go around bothering those hurt girls by injecting myself into their lives all the time and making it harder for them to move on. That's really nasty. Especially if it's for selfish reasons, i.e. making sure someone still cares. And let's be honest, what other reasons are there for the dumpers to come back, than self-validation and testing for backups after some other RS failed.

 

My $ 0.02

[stillfiguringitallou]

Honestly yes, twice - in my whole life.

 

I don't think being nasty to someone who is treating you like garbage is being spiteful - that would be being nasty to someone who was respectful to you but just didn't want to be with you anymore.

 

Using someone as an emotional charge - at the cost of their emotions - is not being respectful.

 

My most recent ex split 4 days after a misscarriage - and I was a nasty nasty bitch. When I apologized for my nastiness - just to clear the air (even though he was a nasty nasty ******* when he did the breaking off and I said I couldn't really be "just good friends" right now) he was still a nasty nasty ******* - and all I asked was if he had in fact tried to sleep with my best friend.

 

After getting her side of the story - I confronted him and got the REST of the story - and he accused me of being nasty again - because I said I was over the game.

 

He came back being ridiculously nasty. And has continued to be since then.

 

 

But I will say this. Being honest about him to his face - even if I had to be nasty about it to do so. Actually DID help me move on. I was able to extract the ridiculously bitter and hateful side of his personality that he only revealed "every once in a while" in short spurts. It helped me reclaim who I am because it brought out his true colors to be confronted.

 

So it was a lot easier for me to walk away when I knew which part was the facade and which part was who he really was.

 

That being said.

 

The other ex - he got some girl pregnant 3 weeks after our child was born. 3 weeks. And yeah I was nasty to him. And you know what - it felt good. And I walked away from him without looking back - no nada.

 

So I wouldn't say it was spiteful - in that situation I wasn't even the dumpee - he really thought we should try to make it work. I just knew it was irreversibly broken.

 

I try not to be nasty. Sometimes though - the nicer you are when something like this continues to happen - the more vunerable you leave yourself. Sometime you have to make them hate you - to get them to leave you the hell alone so you can heal.

 

And that is okay too.

[Ordinaryday]

I'm never impolite or aggressive towards the dumper (got dumped twice only so far). I accept it, they're mature and free to be with or end things with whoever they want. I don't degrade myself pleading and begging. But if the dumper dishes out two-faced "It's all cool, right"-type-of-messages they'll get taught a lesson. I'm not going to be someones emotional crutch just because they managed to get my feelings go crazy for them.

 

a few years ago I got dumped hard by a girl I was in love with, and she made it clear to me that she 'needed' me in her life but as a 'friend' not a boyfriend - in other words she liked all the emotional and financial support I gave her but she wasnt sexually attracted to me.

 

I made it clear to her "I am not comfortable being just friends with you. I accept your decision to dump me, so please leave me alone to heal" but she didnt! she kept texting me asking how I was, fake-polite messages, etc.

 

she kept me on facebook (I stupidly didnt delete her) and then she hooked up with a new guy and she posted photos of them kissing and stuff, and posted updates like "my new boyfriend is so great!!!!!!!!!!! :)" and I dont think she was deliberately trying to hurt me but she MUST HAVE KNOWN that me seeing that would kill me.

 

anyway, in a moment of temporary insanity, I lost it and called her all sorts of horrible names, accused her of leading me on, accused her of using me, deliberately trying to hurt me, etc.

 

she acted all innocent and said she had NO IDEA what I was talking about and everyone came to see me as the bad guy who lashed out at this poor innocent girl because I was a sore loser and couldnt accept her with another guy.

 

unreal!

[Ordinaryday]

Sometime you have to make them hate you - to get them to leave you the hell alone so you can heal.

 

And that is okay too.

 

thank you!!! so nice to hear someone else actually say this! I have felt this way for ages and everyone I have told says it is horrible and mean.

 

I am not a mean or horrible person, but some exes just dont take the hint and think they have the right to barge back into your life whenever they want to ask you for a favour, think they have the right to continue to contact you with breadcrumbs not caring that it may set back your healing or bring up old painful memories!

 

I have been nasty to exes like this not because I am a spiteful guy, just because I want them to understand loud and clear that THEY ARE NOT TO CONTACT ME. Sometimes there is no other way to get them to understand the message.

[umirano]

Well, I hope you didn't have this fight on FB for everyone to see. That's obviously a bad idea.

[Ordinaryday]

Well, I hope you didn't have this fight on FB for everyone to see. That's obviously a bad idea.

 

yeah, that is why most people saw me as the bad guy!

 

all the crap she had done to me had been via private messages and texts so no one other than me and her could see them. but when she started posting all these comments about loving her new guy, and photos of them kissing, well straight after she posted a "hi how are you?" fake-polite comment on my wall.

 

I lost it, and in the comment section that everyone could see I called her all sorts of names, swore at her and went off at her. the people who saw it had no idea of the context behind the situation so they just thought I was being cruel to her for no reason, ie that I was a jerk.

 

I wont make that mistake again.

[stillfiguringitallou]

See the thing is for me - even the begging and pleading - when I do that - it's to push them away.

 

Because I have this nasty nasty habit of being TOO nice to people. And because I don't get involved long term with people I don't genuinely love and think it can work with - I get myself caught in a cycle of ever constant repeating.

 

My most recent ex said "you really HURT me, you scared me and worried me with your inability to move on"

 

And I said you know what - I did really hurt you I'm sure - and I'm sorry if what I said hurt you - sometimes the truth about yourself really ****ing hurts. But you are a liar - you lied to me everytime we got back together. And you are selfish - putting your fear of losing me ahead of my emotional needs is selfish. And you are not a "nice guy" - nice guys don't play with other peoples emotions.

 

It took me "scaring and worrying you" to make you leave me alone. Because your weakness is anyone needing you for anything - because you are insecure in your ability to provide that support.

 

Even though I have never in the whole time we've knoown each other - through SIX breaks - ever threatened to hurt you or myself - you automatically assumed my confrontation was about me "going off the deep end"

 

Really it was about being honest with you about the type of person you are being - so that maybe - if it actually hurt you - you'd do what you needed to be the type of person you say you WANT to be.

 

Obviously that isn't even happening - so I'd prefer if you just leave me the **** alone.

 

Which he did - and I have.

 

Can't save anyone but yourself. You can try to help someone - and I always do - but in the end - you gotta do what is best for you.

 

Even if it's making someone you love hate your guts -

[Chi townD]

why was I nasty to my ex? because a lot of my dumpers often have this condescending tone and holier-than-thou fake polite attitude where they say meaningless things like "I will always treasure the time we spent together" (but not enough to want to stay with you) and "good luck with your studies, you'll do great!" (but I wont be there to support you through them) and "I wish you all the best with the future, you will make it you!!!!" (but I wont be there with you).

 

forget that! I would rather they HATE me than fake-polite 'support' me!

 

 

 

Continue reading the rest of your post and you'll see that you've already answered your own question.

 

 

You have a right to feel hurt. You have a right to feel angry, sad and depressed after the person you loved the most in life leaves you.

 

 

Look, I know you wanted it to end as peacefully as possible. But, in this case, your kindness just made her feel even more guilty. Because, I'm speculating that everytime she sent one of these "cheerleading" texts, that opened up a little dialog between the two of you.

 

 

You should have just ignored them all. And went into NC, i.e. blocking her on facebook. No one ever got into trouble by not saying anything. Hell, you can even plead the 5th in court to save yourself from getting into trouble.

 

 

Hell, she was probably hoping that you would blow up on her to ease her own guilt. Because isn't it funny that when you blew up at her, she went running to anyone that would listen to tell them what you said? So, much for keeping a conversation private between two people. She wanted people to say, "He said that to you? Girl, be glad you're away from that dude." Thus, convincing herself that dumping you was the right thing to do. If you would have kept quite, she would have never have know where your head was.

 

 

Chalk it up to lessons learned, dude! You'll get through this!

[SoThatHappened]

See the thing is for me - even the begging and pleading - when I do that - it's to push them away.

 

Because I have this nasty nasty habit of being TOO nice to people. And because I don't get involved long term with people I don't genuinely love and think it can work with - I get myself caught in a cycle of ever constant repeating.

 

My most recent ex said "you really HURT me, you scared me and worried me with your inability to move on"

 

And I said you know what - I did really hurt you I'm sure - and I'm sorry if what I said hurt you - sometimes the truth about yourself really ****ing hurts. But you are a liar - you lied to me everytime we got back together. And you are selfish - putting your fear of losing me ahead of my emotional needs is selfish. And you are not a "nice guy" - nice guys don't play with other peoples emotions.

 

It took me "scaring and worrying you" to make you leave me alone. Because your weakness is anyone needing you for anything - because you are insecure in your ability to provide that support.

 

Even though I have never in the whole time we've knoown each other - through SIX breaks - ever threatened to hurt you or myself - you automatically assumed my confrontation was about me "going off the deep end"

 

Really it was about being honest with you about the type of person you are being - so that maybe - if it actually hurt you - you'd do what you needed to be the type of person you say you WANT to be.

 

Obviously that isn't even happening - so I'd prefer if you just leave me the **** alone.

 

Which he did - and I have.

 

Can't save anyone but yourself. You can try to help someone - and I always do - but in the end - you gotta do what is best for you.

 

Even if it's making someone you love hate your guts -

 

How did this turn out? I really want to respond to my ex's next contact with something that let's her have it. I've been so nice and have taken the higher road when she did some really hurtful things.

 

I just want to tell her to leave me alone, that I have moved on, but really let her have it at the same time. However, I don't want to regret anything I say.

 

Any advice is much appreciated!

[me85]

Man, do I know how you feel.

 

I've never been nasty (but really really wanted to.)

 

I think I am on the verge of being nasty to my ex though because he is so terrible.

 

It's bad when they make you hate them and I'm trying not to because that only hurts me.

 

I only wish I could be mean and blunt to my ex like you were to yours. God knows my ex deserves it.

 

I just don't have it in me. I'd rather be the one to hurt than to hurt another.

[stillfiguringitallou]

See me 85 - I used to be like that too (look at some of my former posts)

 

The thing is - I love myself way too much now - I know I'm not perfect. I get that. But I'll be damned if I let someone tear me down to make themselves feel better - when they are no better than I am.

 

Honestly - if you want to "reconcile" with someone who treats you so disrespectfully then doing what I did - isn't going to work for you. He has no desire to talk to me - and I like it that way - when he does he just sucks me right back in.

 

But if you want someone to leave you the hell alone - be nasty - or be desperate - whichever is their greatest weakness ... problem solved.

 

Sometimes taking the "high road" sends off the wrong message. Take it from someone who knows.

[Js2493]

I got pretty nasty with my ex. She dumped me and said I was/wouldn't ever be good enough for her for anyone else. And she also said she wasn't sure if she ever loved me (but she would tell me every day she did while we were together). She believed I solely was responsible for the breakup and I had given her no other choice than to leave.

 

I won't post the story because it's really long, but it was basically GIGS. Her first year at college, free from her parents rules, meeting new people, new city. She looked for every reason/excuse to justify her actions.

 

I guess for me, it was too a point where I felt humiliated, low, and torn apart and all I had was hate towards her and sent her a nasty text one day. I apologized about a month later, but it was for my own sake. What I said to her was true, but I still shouldn't have said it. The weird thing was that it actually made me feel better because I kept it in for so long and wanted her to feel what it was like to be degraded for once. (Sounds horrible but it's the truth).