On and Off Relationships

[jesha]

Just curious.... for all of you that have been in an on and off relationship, how many times did you and your ex break up and what was different when you decided the relationship was over for good? Was it a mutual decision, or decided by you or your ex? Who was the person to end the pattern of breaking up and getting back together?

[BlessYourCottonSocks]

He and I were like a natural disaster. When you thought of us, you wondered when the next storm would hit. We weren't the calm before the storm, but more like the disaster after the storm.

 

We were an unstoppable force, caught in the gust of winds that would always bring us back together—somehow, eventually. Inevitable.

 

But we were destructive. Our best of times were times of crisis — times when we only needed one another, when we could cling to each other with all the intensity our exhausted limbs could muster and kiss each other until there was nothing left inside of us. These were the times we were on fire, burning, mad for the other person. It was times of normalcy and calm that we couldn’t handle. We had a hard time existing in the day-to-day mundaneness of each other’s lives. It was during these times we would lose one another.

 

I’d lose him because I didn't trust him when he wasn't around and was always busy making plans without me. But I’d gain him again when the lows struck — when I was wide awake at 3 AM, binge drinking wine and trying not to break anymore.

 

He’d lose me when I got tired of all the bull**** and tried hard to move on. But he’d win me over again the next time something went wrong in his life, and he needed someone to talk to.

 

We were so good at putting each other back together, but we didn’t know what to do when we were done. At fixing what others had broken, what we had broken. I knew him well enough to stitch him whole again. He knew me well enough to realize that it would pass in a few days, but he’d be there until it did.

 

I’d lost and gotten him again for three years before it became permanent. We were both tired of crises. We wanted to be whole, actually. We were sick of breaking. We were sick of only having each other in those broken hours, because we wanted less brokenness.

 

We dated 3.5 years. I moved in twice with him and moved out twice. The final straw was the abuse for me. Over time, he got so mean and didn't treat me well because I didn't treat myself well. Because how could a healthy person put up with that bull crap! So he took advantage of that.

 

It's been 4 months and I'm so much better now. We don't talk anymore and I already met someone new and to be honest, he is GREAT! The most amazing man ever, and guess what!? He is not afraid of commitment! I don't even think about my ex anymore and I have thankfully moved on.

 

The off and on bullcrap made it easier to let go in the end, because it felt like the whole relationship was a breakup. And being with this new guy has made me realize how wrong my ex was for me. Who is to say how long the new guy and I will last, but the most important thing is that I am happy.

[H245]

My ex and I were on and off 4 times over this past year up until a month ago. Initially people that us perfect together, but after she left me the first time, it became a mess. Mutual friends were probably placing bets on when we would break up again. We fought all the time because we could never talk and compromise (She was always defensive and more stubborn than I).

 

Nothing was ever worked on between us so for each attempt. Things would be fine at first (honeymoon stage) then once it wore off, she got distant and because of that I got clingy knowing I was losing her. This would happen until the inevitable her leaving me again and again and again.

 

The best times were the worst times in her life. She got kicked out of her mom's house, so I offered her to live with me. Her car was in the shop and she couldn't afford repairs, so I gave her mine until I paid for hers. Those times we were the closest because I was helping her pick up the pieces of her shattered life. She was offered a chance to live with her aunt and she moved out in 2 days time and took her car with her. It wasn't for a couple of months that I didn't see that money back that I spent to pay for her car. A few days after she moved out, she cheated on me emotionally. Another break up.

 

I stupidly forgave her and we tried again....she never tried to work at it and ended it recently because she felt we weren't further along progressed in the 3 months together again. She also assumed we would just breakup again and that's why I think she probably didn't try to make it work.

 

Regardless, here I am 12 days NC and I am kind of starting to feel better and have dropped 15 pounds due to dieting and exercise. Maybe one day she will realize what she lost, maybe not. The on and off relationship made me realize I tried my very best each time and I have nothing to regret and that the main issue was with her. It's helped a ton knowing this.

 

Sorry for the rant

[stillfiguringitallou]

He broke it off - nearly every time.

 

I ended the cycle by refusing the offer of "friendship and support"

 

apperantly my being unwilling to be HIS support with HIS crap while trying to simulaneously deal with OUR crap ... was just an unforgivable offense. I was lets see

 

selfish and needy (lost a baby 4 days prior - felt pretty entitled to both)

 

and MADE him feel guilty about choosing what was best for him - by saying - so - how do you think you'll feel about this decision to walk out on your girlfriend 4 days after a DnC in two weeks?

 

so I ended it.

 

Have I wavered - absolutely - luckily my attempt to "manipulate him with my kindness and guilt trips" kept him pretty bitter - pissed off and petty in general so he helped strengthen any wavering bonds to my choice.

 

He was the dumper

 

but I ended the cycle.

[leavesonautumn]

We were together just over 5 years. He initiated every break up and also initiated every reconciliation.

 

We were together 9 months, off a week, on 7 months, off 5, etc. Just a cycle like that basically. When we were "on" he was never unsure about his feelings, it was always "OHMYGAWD, I'VE ALWAYS LOVED YOU, YOU'RE IN MY SOUL, I CAN'T EVEN THINK ABOUT BEING WITH SOMEONE ELSE" and when we're "off" he would still get in touch every so often. We've now been off for almost 5 months and haven't heard a word from him once (which is new) and seen him in public twice while avoiding him like the plague. For us, there were never other people involved or any type of cheating, it was always about us and our individual issues.

 

He eventually ended the pattern, apparently. The worst part is that you always expect them to come back so the break ups are partially, lalala everything is good he will be back and then everything is doom and gloom, he finally doesn't want me anymore.

 

Side rant: I believe he suffers from deep rooted depression from a traumatic experience he had as a child and I am not sure if he will ever fix himself, or want to. He is content to live with his family and allow them to basically continue to nurture him even though he is a 35 year old man with no intention of moving out. I shudder to think what will happen to him once his mom and grandma get sick/pass away. He has never seen a problem with this and I think this was the number one underlying issue in our relationship. My problem was insecurity and communication and he basically has the emotional stability of a 12 year old. I think it will be hard for him to meet other people or date because they will be able to sense this from him a mile away or he is too scared to be attached, which I think is the main reason he'd always come back to me. The only type of "dating" he has ever done before me was online with people who lived in other countries and he had no intention of meeting them.

[OK_computer]

To me, the on and off relationship is evidence in its purest form that the Devil exists in each and every one of us. I just ended one 2 months ago that spanned 3 1/2 years and a total of 18 or so breakups and make ups. It was the most draining experience of my lifetime, to keep going back to our vicious cycle after taking gaps for one of 2 reasons:

 

1. She'd always take me back regardless of what I said or done

2. Because I loved her more deeply than life itself, as I was ready to throw down my life at a moment's notice for the sake of her happiness

 

But in the end I couldn't love her strong enough to give up on my own vindications and vice, my folly. Eventually I ended things horribly with her telling her to go die and i didn't give a f*** about her meanwhile her saying she will never be with me and to leave her alone. It was the last fight out of maybe 18 to 20, I can't even keep count. Somewhere in the first year of the relationship I destroyed what we had over a misunderstanding, and it was never again the same since. Similar to how a start, whence once explodes can no longer revert to anything but a blackhole or dwarf servant star.

 

On and off, and again, the cycle was relentless, automatic- it eventually became a necessity. I needed to fight with her, I needed to end things to bring it back again to a silent calm before yet another storm that we both knew was INEVITABLE. Deep down we must have loved each other, or must have loved the fact of what we had was in actuality so rare, 15 breakups and still bouncing. Deep down I know if i go back to her now, there maybe a 76% chance she'll make amends. But that's not fair for either one of us. At one point I took our cycle for granted so earnestly that I would fight with her just to take out my own insecurities, to say what all i felt bad about myself and impose it on her, in some kind of final release of energy knowing how moribund what all that i had with her was. Deep down i realized there is no one else in this entire world who I had such a messed up relationship with and yet was capable of pushing me to such extremes. Id have an amazing night with her one night, and the next day we'd be fighting to the point where we could have pointed guns at each other and pulled the trigger.

 

Eventually I guess I was forced to end things when I found out she was insulting me to her freinds..who hate me by the way because of the emotional sinewave i took her upon. My friends also hated her for what she'd do to me. Deep down if it was anyone but me to her, or anyone but her to me, I don't think it would have ever reached the level it did.

 

We see each other every day know at the university, and don't even look at each other. It think at this point it's pretty much certain that we will never talk again except maybe for awkward glances one each other's directions. I think we are still uncertain if this is REALLY THE END.

 

And that's how horrible an "on and off" relationship really is. It's tragic, pathetic, and it's the realest feeling I've ever felt in my life.

 

Alex

[OK_computer]

Theres this song by stars that symbolizes for me the on and off relationshp

 

its called "one more night" by stars, an amazing song.

[leavesonautumn]

To me, the on and off relationship is evidence in its purest form that the Devil exists in each and every one of us. I just ended one 2 months ago that spanned 3 1/2 years and a total of 18 or so breakups and make ups. It was the most draining experience of my lifetime, to keep going back to our vicious cycle after taking gaps for one of 2 reasons:

 

1. She'd always take me back regardless of what I said or done

2. Because I loved her more deeply than life itself, as I was ready to throw down my life at a moment's notice for the sake of her happiness

 

But in the end I couldn't love her strong enough to give up on my own vindications and vice, my folly. Eventually I ended things horribly with her telling her to go die and i didn't give a f*** about her meanwhile her saying she will never be with me and to leave her alone. It was the last fight out of maybe 18 to 20, I can't even keep count. Somewhere in the first year of the relationship I destroyed what we had over a misunderstanding, and it was never again the same since. Similar to how a start, whence once explodes can no longer revert to anything but a blackhole or dwarf servant star.

 

On and off, and again, the cycle was relentless, automatic- it eventually became a necessity. I needed to fight with her, I needed to end things to bring it back again to a silent calm before yet another storm that we both knew was INEVITABLE. Deep down we must have loved each other, or must have loved the fact of what we had was in actuality so rare, 15 breakups and still bouncing. Deep down I know if i go back to her now, there maybe a 76% chance she'll make amends. But that's not fair for either one of us. At one point I took our cycle for granted so earnestly that I would fight with her just to take out my own insecurities, to say what all i felt bad about myself and impose it on her, in some kind of final release of energy knowing how moribund what all that i had with her was. Deep down i realized there is no one else in this entire world who I had such a messed up relationship with and yet was capable of pushing me to such extremes. Id have an amazing night with her one night, and the next day we'd be fighting to the point where we could have pointed guns at each other and pulled the trigger.

 

Eventually I guess I was forced to end things when I found out she was insulting me to her freinds..who hate me by the way because of the emotional sinewave i took her upon. My friends also hated her for what she'd do to me. Deep down if it was anyone but me to her, or anyone but her to me, I don't think it would have ever reached the level it did.

 

We see each other every day know at the university, and don't even look at each other. It think at this point it's pretty much certain that we will never talk again except maybe for awkward glances one each other's directions. I think we are still uncertain if this is REALLY THE END.

 

And that's how horrible an "on and off" relationship really is. It's tragic, pathetic, and it's the realest feeling I've ever felt in my life.

 

Alex

 

That's the main issue with on/off as well. We get so stuck in the pattern that it never really feels like "THIS IS THE END" or we think it every time and then well, here we are meeting at a hotel again like nothing happened having amazing sex as usual. If the sex was ever mediocre with us then we'd never have gotten back together, I think. There's always that one thing that keeps us wanting more.