zhaulk Posted June 17, 2014 Posted June 17, 2014 Fiancee dumped me two months ago, I avoided no contact and begged and pleaded for 4 weeks until finally I had just had enough. Anytime I spoke to her one of three things happened: 1. She made me feel stupid 2. She talked about something exciting in her new amazing life (without me) 3. She was a general bitch So I just eventually said to myself, why are you doing this to yourself? Do you really want someone like that back? The answer was yes, but I didn't want to want someone like that back. So I started to hate her. And I see a lot of people saying you should forgive your ex, and hating them is more trouble than it's worth. But I don't really agree with that. In fact...: According to this article (The Importance of Hating Your Ex ? Percolator - Blogs - The Chronicle of Higher Education), people who indicated strong negative feelings about their ex in the immediate aftermath of the breakup were less likely to be depressed. The subjects were re-tested a month later, and those whose feelings had grown more negative also generally felt better. So it's time to take your ex off of that pedestal, and start hating him/her. I don't care how many good memories you have together, or how many times you watched No Country For Old Men. Just start hating them. You're not going to be friends. There is no future relationship. Now don't get me wrong, don't let them know that you hate them, but hate them all the same. They do not exist to you, and ignorance is definitely bliss. 6 days ago, I woke up not thinking about my ex for the first time. I was so happy when I realized this. And each day has been better. No contact and hatred are the keys to happiness. Yes it sounds immature, but in a year none of this will matter, you won't hate your ex, I won't hate mine. But we won't care. That's what it's all about, not caring anymore. Because they are moving on and doing things that will hurt you, but not if you don't care. I am finally happy again, and when I say I wish I could never hear anything about my ex again, I absolutely believe that. Being single is a good thing. You can be happy by yourself. When you are happy by yourself, you can do anything. So in summary: **** them. 1
somegoodman Posted June 17, 2014 Posted June 17, 2014 Yes, this is all true. Forgiveness doesn't even come into the equation. I tried to make this point in another thread but got ambushed by concern trolls and PC warriors. Just hate them with all you can muster until you no longer care for them. 1
Alcatraz Posted June 18, 2014 Posted June 18, 2014 Agreed. I'm starting to resent my ex and the emotions I wasted on her. I look forward to the time that I don't care enough about her to even hate her.
Author zhaulk Posted June 18, 2014 Author Posted June 18, 2014 Absolutely! They don't deserve to exist in your life. If they try to pop back in your life, shut them down.
OwMyEyeball Posted June 18, 2014 Posted June 18, 2014 Hmmm ... If my ex had been abusive, neglecting, rude or in any way willfully hurtful towards me I might be inclined to take the "hate 'em and forget 'em" approach. Betrayal and selfishness are pretty easy to despise. But from the way things were going to the way they ended, I'm sticking to NC, CBT and compassion as my way forward. It's working in this instance. Looking to reach the same goal: indifference. Hatred means anger and anger for me is emotionally exhausting. It gives a false sense of power that eventually fades. I've never found anger to be an effective tool. But that's my personal experience. To each their own. 3
FortunateSon Posted June 18, 2014 Posted June 18, 2014 I am on the fence about the "hating your ex" theory. My ex did some terrible things during and after our relationship and as much as I would like to hate her, I haven't been able to? I am a year post break up and still haven't fully recovered or gotten her out of my mind as much as I would like her to be. She decided to "hate" me and was able to get into another relationship 4 months post break up and is still with the guy as far as I know. I think a lot of her "hate" for me stems from her own lack of accountability and her mentality of blaming others for everything, she has shown all the telltale signs of BPD/NPD. Based on a recent attempt on her part to sabotage my dating life, she still "hates" me. I always thought that it was impossible to open your heart to someone when it is closed to someone else, but she seems to have been able to despite her "hating" me? I was also under the impression that it took a lot of negative energy to hate someone, and I didn't want to focus on that. I would like to "hate" her, especially if it would help me move on...why haven't I been able to?
redbaron005 Posted June 18, 2014 Posted June 18, 2014 Hmm rather small sample size for the study and I would not say that a study of undergraduates is genuinely reflective of an entire population. Also, you can't always control when the onset of the anger stage will be, it took me 6 months. And I feel like rubbish after. Other harder to measure variables (definition of love) will come into play in a social psychology study such as this. In other words this one is bs.
Author zhaulk Posted June 18, 2014 Author Posted June 18, 2014 it might not work for everyone but I wouldn't call it bs...it certainly works for me and many other people. You have to get your ex off of that pedestal. It doesn't mean you have to hate their guts and wish death upon them, but you have to quit making excuses for their behavior and realize what they did to you. Forget about reconciliation and start focusing on the negative. There is plenty of negative..we just tend to forget about it because we think we want them back. 1
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