Mimi1 Posted June 17, 2014 Posted June 17, 2014 I have been married 16 years, 2 children (14 & 9). We haven't been intimate in 7 years. Husband says because of ED & has no libedo. We have been living overseas until recently & he wouldn't see anyone. Now we are back almost a year, still no dotor visit. I have been making myself sick for years playing the PI to catch him but still no smoking gun. 4 years ago found hidden email with inappropriate flirtation with coworker and emails him begging woman to meet him in a different country (I found out she shared hotel room with him). He told me he was suicidal and meet this woman (very religious) during business trip who came to help him. I confronted him, he had breakdown, took depression meds for a while and I stayed. Since then found hidden emails, profile on hook up site, hidden Skype which he used to skype woman he met through work (she had moved overseas when he skyped her, he says she never answered and no record of call). Regularly visited porn sites, xxx chats, dating sites, googled: how to pick up women, how to get woman to sleep with you and sensual massage parlor (yes, we were in Asia). Oh yeah, googled what does herpes look like and I got tested and have herpes1 now. I confronted him, he said: it was all fantasy and he never crossed that line sleeping with someone. It was to boost his ego because of his ED (which he still claims to have, I'm skeptical). Herpes 1 can be contracted many ways, even when a child & doesn't prove he cheated. He said he was mentally in a bad place and hated himself. It was an escape and he has since rejected that guy who he used to be after our confrontation 6 months about skype and my saying porn is 1 thing but this was a real person. He was better last few months but kept lying about secret skype and email (he said to bury it & start over). He said he had psychological issues, hated himself, who he became and has been trying very hard last few months to be a better person (this is true, he has been initiating affection, etc). Can't help feeling so vulnerable right now. Hate who I have become, crazy snooping wife. Not sure I believe his I never cheated only inappropriate behavior and "I was in a bad place mentally and am pulling myself out" excuse. So wish I had that smoking gun but can't live like this anymore but hate what it will do to the kids. Need some non-biased opinions here. Please help!
Owl Posted June 17, 2014 Posted June 17, 2014 You don't need a confession. IF you're not happy with the situation, and you don't feel it's going to get any better...file for divorce. Whether or not he actually cheated, or you have proof of it or not, is probably irrelevent. File and be done with it. No proof, no confession, needed. 3
HereNorThere Posted June 17, 2014 Posted June 17, 2014 I have been married 16 years, 2 children (14 & 9). We haven't been intimate in 7 years. Husband says because of ED & has no libedo. We have been living overseas until recently & he wouldn't see anyone. Now we are back almost a year, still no dotor visit. I have been making myself sick for years playing the PI to catch him but still no smoking gun. 4 years ago found hidden email with inappropriate flirtation with coworker and emails him begging woman to meet him in a different country (I found out she shared hotel room with him). He told me he was suicidal and meet this woman (very religious) during business trip who came to help him. I confronted him, he had breakdown, took depression meds for a while and I stayed. Since then found hidden emails, profile on hook up site, hidden Skype which he used to skype woman he met through work (she had moved overseas when he skyped her, he says she never answered and no record of call). Regularly visited porn sites, xxx chats, dating sites, googled: how to pick up women, how to get woman to sleep with you and sensual massage parlor (yes, we were in Asia). Oh yeah, googled what does herpes look like and I got tested and have herpes1 now. I confronted him, he said: it was all fantasy and he never crossed that line sleeping with someone. It was to boost his ego because of his ED (which he still claims to have, I'm skeptical). Herpes 1 can be contracted many ways, even when a child & doesn't prove he cheated. He said he was mentally in a bad place and hated himself. It was an escape and he has since rejected that guy who he used to be after our confrontation 6 months about skype and my saying porn is 1 thing but this was a real person. He was better last few months but kept lying about secret skype and email (he said to bury it & start over). He said he had psychological issues, hated himself, who he became and has been trying very hard last few months to be a better person (this is true, he has been initiating affection, etc). Can't help feeling so vulnerable right now. Hate who I have become, crazy snooping wife. Not sure I believe his I never cheated only inappropriate behavior and "I was in a bad place mentally and am pulling myself out" excuse. So wish I had that smoking gun but can't live like this anymore but hate what it will do to the kids. Need some non-biased opinions here. Please help! It sounds like you would feel better with one, no, you obviously don't need one. Divorce may be for bad the kids, it's definitely not worse than growing up watching your parents in a relationship like yours. Get out now before you get a real STD. You don't have to divorce for infidelity, the lack of love and affection is enough of on it's own.
oldshirt Posted June 17, 2014 Posted June 17, 2014 You don't need a confession. IF you're not happy with the situation, and you don't feel it's going to get any better...file for divorce. Whether or not he actually cheated, or you have proof of it or not, is probably irrelevent. File and be done with it. No proof, no confession, needed. I agree. If he hasn't made any sincere efforts to be intimate with you and he is spending this amount of time and energy surfing porn and hook up sites and pursuing other women, would you stay with him if there were proof he had not been with someone else????? 1
Steen719 Posted June 17, 2014 Posted June 17, 2014 Wouldn't the herpes be enough evidence? (I think there is enough without it, though) 1
Pastypop Posted June 17, 2014 Posted June 17, 2014 I think he got another STD from someone he hooked up with on the sex sites seven years ago which is probably why he won't be intimate with you. Go out to one or two of his favorite sex sites and create a fake profile. He will contact you soon enough. Next, make up a whole bunch of stories about the crazy stuff you've done. In order to impress you/potenial hookup, he will admit to a lot of the things he's been doing over the years. Next, see if he will book a hotel for a hookup. Show at the given date and time and confront him. He will probably do his best to lie his way out. 4
HereNorThere Posted June 17, 2014 Posted June 17, 2014 Let's just be careful calling HSV1 a sexually transmitted disease. Over 80% of the population carries it, including a ton of virgins. Yes, it can be transmitted sexually, but it's hardly what you would consider and STD/STI. Thinking that you've picked up from a cheating partner may be jumping to conclusions.
HereNorThere Posted June 17, 2014 Posted June 17, 2014 I think he got another STD from someone he hooked up with on the sex sites seven years ago which is probably why he won't be intimate with you. Go out to one or two of his favorite sex sites and create a fake profile. He will contact you soon enough. Next, make up a whole bunch of stories about the crazy stuff you've done. In order to impress you/potenial hookup, he will admit to a lot of the things he's been doing over the years. Next, see if he will book a hotel for a hookup. Show at the given date and time and confront him. He will probably do his best to lie his way out. Or you just take his ass to the clinic and have him checked out. Although, it's always a gamble for women considering that men are not checked for HPV.
Steen719 Posted June 17, 2014 Posted June 17, 2014 Genital Herpes - CDC Fact Sheet Herpes is a common sexually transmitted disease (STD) that any sexually active person can get. Most people with the virus don’t have symptoms. It is important to know that even without signs of the disease, it can still spread to sexual partners. Basic Fact Sheet | Detailed Version Basic fact sheets are presented in plain language for individuals with general questions about sexually transmitted diseases. What is genital herpes? Genital herpes is an STD caused by two types of viruses. The viruses are called herpes simplex type 1 and herpes simplex type 2. How common is genital herpes? Genital herpes is common in the United States. In the United States, about one out of every six people aged 14 to 49 years have genital herpes. How is genital herpes spread? You can get herpes by having oral, vaginal, or anal sex with someone who has the disease. Fluids found in a herpes sore carry the virus, and contact with those fluids can cause infection. You can also get herpes from an infected sex partner who does not have a visible sore or who may not know he or she is infected because the virus can be released through your skin and spread the infection to your sex partner(s). How can I avoid getting herpes? You can protect yourself from getting herpes by: Not having sex;Being in a long-term mutually monogamous relationship with a partner who has been tested and has negative STD test results;Using latex condoms and dental dams the right way every time you have sex. Herpes symptoms can occur in both male and female genital areas that are covered by a latex condom. However, outbreaks can also occur in areas that are not covered by a condom so condoms may not fully protect you from getting herpes. STD Facts - Genital Herpes This tells that herpes is indeed an STD.
Tayla Posted June 18, 2014 Posted June 18, 2014 Wow, thanks for that effort to educate! Its important to also share that this very virus is chicken pox and in later years shingles. So from a scientific approach its the same virus. Again, thanks for trying to assume it only migrates via one method. This virus is non discriminating too. Imagine that!
Steen719 Posted June 18, 2014 Posted June 18, 2014 You are quite welcome. If she has genital herpes, as I assumed she was saying, then who am I to say the CDC is incorrect?
OpenBook Posted June 18, 2014 Posted June 18, 2014 We haven't been intimate in 7 years. Genital Herpes - CDC Fact Sheet How is genital herpes spread? You can get herpes by having oral, vaginal, or anal sex with someone who has the disease. Um... something's wrong with this picture.
OpenBook Posted June 18, 2014 Posted June 18, 2014 HSV1 is cold sores, not genital herpes. After doing some Googling, that is what I discovered as well. I stand corrected... and bewildered why the CDC isn't more specific about this incredibly important distinction between Type 1 and Type 2? Especially the fact that Type 1 isn't transmitted sexually, but Type 2 is.
Author Mimi1 Posted June 18, 2014 Author Posted June 18, 2014 Thanks everyone for commenting. Feel so lost & confused. It was herpes 1 but the google search started off with "I have red spots on my pen*s (not sure if I can write that)" and ended "what does herpes look like" and"how to cure herpes". He said he will go with me to get tested and thinks he does not have it and said he had something similar in his 20's (pre-us) and it went away. Just seems too much of a coincidence, his googling how to get women to sleep with you and now my herpes1 diagnose. It is the cold sore type but the last few months (when I mentioned he was being more affectionate we didn't have sex but did oral). He wants to go to marriage counseling now. He made that appointment in 1 day for that but waited 7 years to address his ED, go figure. Just can't believe this is my life!
Tayla Posted June 18, 2014 Posted June 18, 2014 HSV1 is cold sores, not genital herpes. Taken from a scientific site:Under a microscope, HSV- 1 and 2 are virtually identical, sharing approximately 50% of their DNA. Both types infect the body's mucosal surfaces, usually the mouth or genitals, and then establish latency in the nervous system. For both types, at least two-thirds of infected people have no symptoms, or symptoms too mild to notice. However, both types can recur and spread even when no symptoms are present. So it stands, its viral string is the same with a variable . Even this difference is not absolute either type can reside in either or both parts of the body and infect oral and/or genital areas. Unfortunately, many people aren't aware of this, which contributes both to the spread of type 1 and to the misperception that the two types are fundamentally different. SO glad I took Bio Chem class!! * Now back to your regularly scheduled postings
Author Mimi1 Posted June 18, 2014 Author Posted June 18, 2014 So can I ask, would it be reasonable to assume I contracted this from him through oral or is that stretching it? He says I could have had it for years and not known about it. Does seem like a very strange coincidence considering his concern regerding his equipment.
Tayla Posted June 19, 2014 Posted June 19, 2014 So can I ask, would it be reasonable to assume I contracted this from him through oral or is that stretching it? He says I could have had it for years and not known about it. Does seem like a very strange coincidence considering his concern regerding his equipment. It would be reasonable to "assume" nothing . Get properly checked out and if its found to be diagnosed, the doctor will inform you of treatment. Making assumptions ...probably not wise.
anika99 Posted June 20, 2014 Posted June 20, 2014 Herpes simplex 1 is usually oral but it can be passed to the genitals through oral sex. Likewise herpes simplex 2 which usually causes genital outbreaks can show up as cold sores on the mouth if it was contracted during oral sex. Herpes HSV-1 & HSV-2 1
crederer Posted June 23, 2014 Posted June 23, 2014 You don't need proof or a confession. Its your life. Also herpes 1 isn't necessarily an STD. I know people that have had it since they were young children.
Leelou Posted June 23, 2014 Posted June 23, 2014 I have been married 16 years, 2 children (14 & 9). We haven't been intimate in 7 years. Husband says because of ED & has no libedo. We have been living overseas until recently & he wouldn't see anyone. Now we are back almost a year, still no dotor visit. I have been making myself sick for years playing the PI to catch him but still no smoking gun. 4 years ago found hidden email with inappropriate flirtation with coworker and emails him begging woman to meet him in a different country (I found out she shared hotel room with him). He told me he was suicidal and meet this woman (very religious) during business trip who came to help him. I confronted him, he had breakdown, took depression meds for a while and I stayed. Since then found hidden emails, profile on hook up site, hidden Skype which he used to skype woman he met through work (she had moved overseas when he skyped her, he says she never answered and no record of call). Regularly visited porn sites, xxx chats, dating sites, googled: how to pick up women, how to get woman to sleep with you and sensual massage parlor (yes, we were in Asia). Oh yeah, googled what does herpes look like and I got tested and have herpes1 now. I confronted him, he said: it was all fantasy and he never crossed that line sleeping with someone. It was to boost his ego because of his ED (which he still claims to have, I'm skeptical). Herpes 1 can be contracted many ways, even when a child & doesn't prove he cheated. He said he was mentally in a bad place and hated himself. It was an escape and he has since rejected that guy who he used to be after our confrontation 6 months about skype and my saying porn is 1 thing but this was a real person. He was better last few months but kept lying about secret skype and email (he said to bury it & start over). He said he had psychological issues, hated himself, who he became and has been trying very hard last few months to be a better person (this is true, he has been initiating affection, etc). Can't help feeling so vulnerable right now. Hate who I have become, crazy snooping wife. Not sure I believe his I never cheated only inappropriate behavior and "I was in a bad place mentally and am pulling myself out" excuse. So wish I had that smoking gun but can't live like this anymore but hate what it will do to the kids. Need some non-biased opinions here. Please help! Sounds like the classic narcissistic personality disorder cheater. He also seems quite happy with things as they are. He's trying to convince you he's not doing anything, but he is. What's disturbing apart from the lying and cheating, is that he is quite willing to mess with your sense of reality... he doesn't care how devastating that is.... and when you allow someone you trust to do that to you (to mess with your sense of reality), then you end up damaged.
Leelou Posted June 23, 2014 Posted June 23, 2014 Thanks everyone for commenting. Feel so lost & confused. It was herpes 1 but the google search started off with "I have red spots on my pen*s (not sure if I can write that)" and ended "what does herpes look like" and"how to cure herpes". He said he will go with me to get tested and thinks he does not have it and said he had something similar in his 20's (pre-us) and it went away. Just seems too much of a coincidence, his googling how to get women to sleep with you and now my herpes1 diagnose. It is the cold sore type but the last few months (when I mentioned he was being more affectionate we didn't have sex but did oral). He wants to go to marriage counseling now. He made that appointment in 1 day for that but waited 7 years to address his ED, go figure. Just can't believe this is my life! He's lying to you to cover up his actions. It's obvious. He will continue lying. You need to do something drastic to him to make him see you are serious and can see through his lies.
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