MaiGrl Posted February 15, 2005 Posted February 15, 2005 I know there have already been posts about this same topic and I have replied in a couple, but I wish for guidance to my situation. Not just about my Valentines Day fiasco, but my relationship and the future of it. For Valentines Day, I spent money that I did not have for a gift for him, made a card because I wanted it to be more thoughtful and special, and spent hours writing him a love letter. I got absolutely nothing from him. He said he would make it up to me. I said back, that him doing something to me up for V-day on another day would not be the same or mean much to me. The thing I do not get is that last weekend he asked me what I wanted on Valentines Day and I said I would be happy with just some flowers or a card. Then I got absolutely zilch from him. I would have been so happy to get a simple I love you note on notebook paper. Just something, so I know he cares. No lie, our day, err night consisted of me going over, making us a snack, I gave him his stuff, he made the excuse that he had no time to get or make me anything, we watched TV, he fell asleep, and I went home. I have not heard from him since. We have been together for 3 and ½ years. We have had disasters in our relationship, which has only made us stronger. Or so I thought… He was unfaithful to me last summer and after a looong time of working so hard to get me back I went back to him. Things have been great for the most part of the time since. He always calls and always is wanting to spend time with me. He is 27 years old, he is having his own house built which will be done in a month, and he has never even mentioned the possibility of me moving in with him. I have hinted about it, but nothing. Could it be that he waiting for the house to be finished before he asks me or is it something he just is not interested in? Shouldn’t a 27 year old in a 3 and ½ yr relationship be ready for the next step in a relationship what ever it may be. I sure am, but after yesterday, I am starting to think that we do not have a future. Please do not reply with just, dump the loser. I already am expecting that as a response. It is not that easy after being together this long. If you think I should get rid of him, how would you do it? Should I stay with him and see how things go? I am miserable and I feel sick just not knowing what to do.
Hund1976 Posted February 15, 2005 Posted February 15, 2005 For a 27 year old in a 3.5 year relationship I think living together is a totally reasonable thing, as would be married or at least engaged. You should try to find out where your relationship is going. Whether he sees you as the future Mrs. ___ or not. Not getting you anything for Valentines Day is pretty ****ty. It doesn't take much time to stop at the store and get a card or chocalates or flowers.
Sckott Posted February 15, 2005 Posted February 15, 2005 Wow. I think you know what's happening. Dump the guy? Maybe, to be brutally honest. I would come in, sit down and explain how you feel. It's time for a heart to heart. You may not like what you hear, but you obviously want something more than what he MAY want to provide. This is a very important thing for you. You want the relationship to persist and grow. He sounds like he's not thinking of your best interest as a girlfriend and it sounds like he's taking you for granted BIG BIG time. I'd at least stop intimacy 100% until you solve this with him. Else, I would seriously start thinking about leaving and find someone who can not only bond with you better but shares your views on relationships. Yeah, it stinks. Good luck.
CurvyGurl Posted February 15, 2005 Posted February 15, 2005 Originally posted by Sckott Wow. I think you know what's happening. Dump the guy? Maybe, to be brutally honest. I would come in, sit down and explain how you feel. It's time for a heart to heart. You may not like what you hear, but you obviously want something more than what he MAY want to provide. This is a very important thing for you. You want the relationship to persist and grow. He sounds like he's not thinking of your best interest as a girlfriend and it sounds like he's taking you for granted BIG BIG time. I'd at least stop intimacy 100% until you solve this with him. Else, I would seriously start thinking about leaving and find someone who can not only bond with you better but shares your views on relationships. Yeah, it stinks. Good luck. I agree. And if you don't get the sincere feeling that what you want is on the horizon, get out before you've spent a decade with this man and he has no intention of moving forward. I'm sure you love him and he loves you but sometimes it's just not enough. He's not paying attention and he's not working hard to keep yours. Maybe back away for a bit, give him some space, see if he comes around? Not as a trick or anything like that but maybe you just need some time apart. I would be in absolute agony.
tattoomytoe Posted February 15, 2005 Posted February 15, 2005 well list his Good points too! it is important that you list both, helps you (and us) to get a better picture.
Pocky Posted February 15, 2005 Posted February 15, 2005 Originally posted by MaiGrl Please do not reply with just, dump the loser. I already am expecting that as a response. It is not that easy after being together this long. If you think I should get rid of him, how would you do it? Should I stay with him and see how things go? I am miserable and I feel sick just not knowing what to do. If people in marriages that span decades can leave the relationship because it doesn't enhance their lives, then you can leave your three and a half year relationship. Don't lose yourself in the time you've invested in the relationship when you consider whether or not you should stay. Focus on the time you're going to invest in the relationship when you consider whether nor not you should stay. Were you a participant in the building of the house?
Sckott Posted February 15, 2005 Posted February 15, 2005 Originally posted by Pocky If people in marriages that span decades can leave the relationship because it doesn't enhance their lives, then you can leave your three and a half year relationship. Hard to agree. If she's invested herself in the relationship already, like Curvygirl said, it hurts like HELL to seperate. Married couples only have this ease when they've lost the emotional investment. 3.5 years is long enough to be totally into someone. Also, 3-5 years is when things usually get serious. Things either fall apart or get stronger. This is when you literally seperate the men from the boys. What I fear is, he may have a hard time trying to articulate what he wants and leave Mai totally confused and not sure. It's totally mature and very admirable for someone to want a real relationship, something that grows and persists physically and emotionally.
Author MaiGrl Posted February 15, 2005 Author Posted February 15, 2005 Originally posted by tattoomytoe well list his Good points too! it is important that you list both, helps you (and us) to get a better picture. His good points. Ok, well he went to school and got his degree. Has a wonderful job, which pays extremely well, and it is in a field that will never have him jobless. I mentioned before, he bought a large property and is having his own house built which is awesome. I am so proud of him. I do not know many people that can even take out loans that enormous on their own. We have always had the most wonderful sex life, I have to admit that. *blushes* His family loves me and I have always gotten along with them. My family on the other hand does not like him and believes I deserve and can do much better. He HAD numerous good points in the beginning of our relationship like all the surprises and special things he did for me, which have all now stopped. Everyone tells me I am so lucky to have him because of the money he makes and because of his own house. People who say that are idiots. Those things are nice to have, but it is not what I want or need. I repeat, those things mean nothing to me. Love, compassion, and commitment are all I want and need. Originally posted by Pocky Were you a participant in the building of the house? He has asked he a couple time for my opinion of things like: which color siding do you like, (it was up before I even knew he decided on one and it was a color I said I did not like), he asked about the location of a closet, and stupid little things like that. He designed the whole house himself, picked out everything himself, so I guess that the answer is no I was not a participant in the building of his house. I tried and tried so many times to involve myself and help him with ideas and everyway I could, but everything has been bought and built without me.
Pocky Posted February 15, 2005 Posted February 15, 2005 Originally posted by Sckott Hard to agree. If she's invested herself in the relationship already, like Curvygirl said, it hurts like HELL to seperate. Married couples only have this ease when they've lost the emotional investment. 3.5 years is long enough to be totally into someone. Also, 3-5 years is when things usually get serious. Things either fall apart or get stronger. This is when you literally seperate the men from the boys. You don't have to agree. Personally, I believe it's harder to end a marriage than it is to end a boyfriend/girlfriend relationship and if married couples can find the strength to do it so can she. I see investing ten years in a relationship that eventually ends more of a loss than walking away from three and a half years.
Sckott Posted February 15, 2005 Posted February 15, 2005 Yeah. If she doesn't find out what's making him not participate more seriously in a relationship, then certainly more time in this relationship (going on year after year) more of a loss.
Pocky Posted February 15, 2005 Posted February 15, 2005 Originally posted by MaiGrl He has asked he a couple time for my opinion of things like: which color siding do you like, (it was up before I even knew he decided on one and it was a color I said I did not like), he asked about the location of a closet, and stupid little things like that. He designed the whole house himself, picked out everything himself, so I guess that the answer is no I was not a participant in the building of his house. I tried and tried so many times to involve myself and help him with ideas and everyway I could, but everything has been bought and built without me. If I were you, I would interpret this to mean that he doesn't view me as a permanent part of his life.
Hund1976 Posted February 15, 2005 Posted February 15, 2005 Everyone tells me I am so lucky to have him because of the money he makes and because of his own house. Well that doesn't do you any good anyway if he won't let you live in it. Have you guys talked about marraige? If you're with someone for 3.5 years that should be on the horizon. If he isn't into it then you should probably move on so you don't find yourself with a ten year boyfriend with a nice house you can visit on weekends.
Author MaiGrl Posted February 15, 2005 Author Posted February 15, 2005 Originally posted by Pocky If I were you, I would interpret this to mean that he doesn't view me as a permanent part of his life. I have always up to this point thought of it as it being his house, being built with his money, so it is fine if he wants to make all of his own decisions about how exactly he wants it. I never thought of it that way
Pocky Posted February 15, 2005 Posted February 15, 2005 Originally posted by MaiGrl I have always up to this point thought of it as it being his house, being built with his money, so it is fine if he wants to make all of his own decisions about how exactly he wants it. I never thought of it that way If I were in this relationship with the expectation that it will move forward (eventually marriage) then I would logically make the assumption that this would eventually be our first house. His actions make it apparent that it's his house.
Author MaiGrl Posted February 15, 2005 Author Posted February 15, 2005 Originally posted by Hund1976 Well that doesn't do you any good anyway if he won't let you live in it. Have you guys talked about marraige? If you're with someone for 3.5 years that should be on the horizon. If he isn't into it then you should probably move on so you don't find yourself with a ten year boyfriend with a nice house you can visit on weekends. That kind of made me laugh in a sad way because I can seriously see myself, “with a ten year boyfriend with a nice house you can visit on weekends.” I just remembered, back when we were broken up because of the unfaithful thing, he said: he wanted to spend the rest of his life with me, to move in together, get married, and have a kid someday. I know he was probably saying that because he just wanted me back. That is the only time those words have ever came out of his mouth. I have brought up marriage a number of times before, and he said maybe in a few years after our lives are settled down. Settled down? Yes, I am back in college getting my degree which is stressful, but the confusion and tension he is putting me through is harder then anything. He wants our lives to settle down, well hello?! All I want is to settle down. I think it is just another excuse.
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