starryeyedsurprise Posted June 17, 2014 Posted June 17, 2014 I am co-dependent, and can’t get over my breakup I am embarrassed and I am back…..This is what I have discovered about myself. I have been in many bad relationships over my lifetime, but I have been in many good ones as well. I am a 38 year old woman, who has a wonderful 4 year old son, never been married. I was with my child’s father for 7 years and it was a decent relationship. We didn’t communicate well and it was not mean to be. We started a business together months after meeting, so we never had a chance to discover if we were a fit or not. During my 7 years with my child’s father I never felt loved or cared for by him. I would have to beg him to attend functions with me, examples are weddings and birthday parties. He had a tiring job and was always tired. I couldn’t help but take it personally and led to the demise of our relationship. But this is not why I am here today. I started a horrible relationship just 5 months after my child’s father and I broke up. I landed myself a man who lied about everything. He lied to cover up the lies. I was lead to believe he was single, but lived with his ex for financial reasons. I was stupid and believed it until I discovered many months later that they were indeed engaged. He denied this once again saying she only puts that on her FB status to “save face” as she had something to prove to everyone in her life. She has a 3 year old daughter by another man who calls my ex daddy, so very confusing for everyone involved. He always told me he would not abandon this little girl, and they will both be a part of his life forever. I come to find out they have been on and off for 2 years as well. He is not right, he has severe mental issues, rage…so many things that are wrong. Never went to high school, mother a heroin addict, father alcoholic. Has been in and out of institutions from 16 to 19. His grandmother raised him and tried so many types of therapy. He told me all of his stories and past, which got even more sympathy from me. I don’t want to put a label on him, but I know what he is. In the beginning he would always say he was looking for something real and someone who wouldn’t abandon him. How he has nothing consistent in his life. I was challenged, I made it a goal to not be one of the others who did this to him. Yes, he has lied, and I believe he is a compulsive liar…however he has never been mean to me directly, even says he would walk on glass for me. I am so hooked and I need to quit. Long story short….I have been chasing this man for about 9 months now. Why? Is it because I love him and he is the best thing that ever happened to me? It’s sad but the answer is yes, this is how I feel about him. He chased me in the beginning, for a good 6 months. Once everything fell apart for him (got fired, lost home, lost car, no money, etc) he ran. Don’t get me wrong, I was a doormat for him. I helped him with job searches, offered my home to stay (thankfully he did not), typed his resume, borrowed him money, let him keep some belongings on my home until he found a place to stay. I thought I was doing the right thing. Lately I feel like I am losing it though and not sure if it’s my ego or what. I cannot get it through my head that he does not want me….his excuse is that he does not want anyone right now because he is fixing his life. All my attempts lately are to remind him of what he used to promise me, that we are best friends, partners, other half’s, etc. He at one point told me he was dependent on me. How can I break this cycle? I will go weeks with NC, and then I will break and contact him thinking I am OK and can just be his friend. He is like my drug and I am 100% addicted to him. I have been in therapy and fully know the root of my problem…..but why can’t I get him out of my head? I fantasize about a happy life and home with him, and I somehow feel this is possible? I go through these stages where I will text him like crazy, reminding him of all the things he promised me and how hurt I am and want him in my life. Typing this out it sounds so crazy and that is how I feel sometimes. I have a great family, wonderful friends and many hobbies. I work full time, take care of my son, take care of my home, and yet I just don’t feel satisfied. I feel that if I had him I would be 100% complete instead of the 95% I feel now. I am thinking about going to a co-dependents class to get help. Why can’t I let this man go? He was never mine to begin with…he is very charming, sweet and good looking. We always had a great time together, met his friends and family. A part of me feels that if I don’t keep in contact he will forget about me, a classic mistake on my part….but now I have crossed the line and basically harassed him about us. I have not been mean to him at all or said anything bad so I am happy about that. I would feel to guilty if I did. The last text I sent was apologizing for all my contact and I have to just let him be……. I just don’t know where to go from here. I know he is bad for me and I have to figure out how to better myself right now.
erklat Posted June 17, 2014 Posted June 17, 2014 Try addressing Codependency first. Codependent no more by Melody Beattie and eft tapping helped me a lot. It took me also 8 months to get over the relationship of three months! But I managed in the end. The Codependency isn't completely gone, but hey, fake it till you make it. 1
Elle1975 Posted June 17, 2014 Posted June 17, 2014 Since you are going through a hardship right now, I would suggest reading on codependency (as opposed to seeing a therapist costing money). It often comes from abuse, may it be mental or physical. I'd advise working on your codependency; you'll get the answer you're looking for as for the "why am I that way".
stillfiguringitallou Posted June 17, 2014 Posted June 17, 2014 I purchased a book called "Facing Co dependency" by Pia Meledy (I think thats how her last name is spelled) and the accompanying workbook. I also purchased it for my ex for what it is worth as it has a lot in there about the reverse extreme of codep (anti dependency - grandiose self esteem etc) This book has gotten me further in my moving on process and letting go than anything - and I did the whole therapy thing too - has in the two months since we've been separated. I found sitting and talking about the past and who did what and whom hurt who more just kept me focused on "fixing it" which meant "fixing him" since his fear of commitment was literally our biggest issue as a couple. After starting to "fix me" and "take care of me" and "depend on and love me" I have found it easier to not WANT to "fix it" I still miss our friendship - the closeness and the bond we shared and hope that after time we can reconcile that. But I acknowledge how the way I allowed him to treat me throughout our relationship was not healthy FOR ME. and I love myself way way way to much to deal with all of that.
BigGirlPantiesOn Posted June 17, 2014 Posted June 17, 2014 Welcome: CoDA Home Page Welcome to Al-Anon Family Groups Both these fellowships will help you. I am a member of Al-Anon. I grew up in an alcoholic family, married one and dated a few. You may find in your family history addiction has left its mark. there is help and HOPE in these places....give yourself the gift of recovery.
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