Boyfriend never pays for me even though he earns loads and I don't?

June 19, 2014

Be an adult before entering a relationship.

If you're being supported by your parents, refusing to work any fulltime job, and you aren't supporting yourself despite being over the age of eighteen, then a relationship should be the least of your concerns. There are people out there who work full time jobs while enrolled in academia. You are not one of those people. What you are doing is a choice - plain and simple.

Focus on yourself and when you're ready to be in a relationship it will actually function in a healthy and meaningful way. What you are describing is neither healthy nor functional. Your boyfriend should never have to ask you to support yourself. And you should never consider being told to support yourself an insult.

I agree with kaylan and I think everybody out there who cannot see this blazing sense of entitlement is freaking nuts. The OP has a four year degree, the ability to work a fulltime job, but she is choosing not to support herself because she'll rather leech off her parents until she finally enters a field she suspects is enjoyable. Everything is messed up between herself and her boyfriend and if she cannot recognize the need to simply focus on herself then things will never improve.

June 19, 2014

Be an adult before entering a relationship.

If you're being supported by your parents, refusing to work any fulltime job, and you aren't supporting yourself despite being over the age of eighteen, then a relationship should be the least of your concerns. There are people out there who work full time jobs while enrolled in academia. You are not one of those people. What you are doing is a choice - plain and simple.

Focus on yourself and when you're ready to be in a relationship it will actually function in a healthy and meaningful way. What you are describing is neither healthy nor functional. Your boyfriend should never have to ask you to support yourself. And you should never consider being told to support yourself an insult.

I agree with kaylan and I think everybody out there who cannot see this blazing sense of entitlement is freaking nuts. The OP has a four year degree, the ability to work a fulltime job, but she is choosing not to support herself because she'll rather leech off her parents until she finally enters a field she suspects is enjoyable. Everything is messed up between herself and her boyfriend and if she cannot recognize the need to simply focus on herself then things will never improve.

BINGO!

Know what I did once I graduated from college and wasnt yet working full time? I job hunted for full time employment and made sure I did not do any serious dating.

Why? Because I know serious dating and relationships cost money.

June 19, 2014

Not to mention there is literally thousands of women out there who pursue a degree in nursing or teaching for no reason other than they see it as a noble profession. Many of them wash out when reality hits. Tutoring is not identical as teaching. Teaching requires difficult work and incredible commitment. There are countless people unsure of themselves, trying to discover their passions, who all threw in the towel once practicum rolled in. I suspect you're one of those people in the making.

Just because you haven't discovered your vocational passion does NOT mean you cannot support yourself and exist as an independent adult. Refusing to work fulltime simply because you haven't found your passion is inexcusable. Any real teacher out there has far more commitment than you ever would, and they won't leech off their parents just because they weren't completely happy in their jobs. So if you want to pin this on your boyfriend being too uninterested, then fine, you might even be correct. What matters is that you focus on yourself, because until the day you do learn to be an independent adult, you'll fail horribly at this relationship business.

Your poor parents... I couldn't imagine them having to support an adult child.

June 19, 2014

I agree...however your initial posts weren't saying this, which to me is the crux of the issue. He is stingy and miserly and/or doesn't care for Sweeetie much so cannot be arsed. I can totally agree.

I responded though to your posts that focused on her current career situation and which made it seem like the reason he behaves this way is because she isn't currently employed full time. You focused a lot on her lack of a full time career right now as the underlying reason for his behavior, because he supposedly found it mind-boggling and I was calling bull on that because to me it doesn't seem like that is really his issue.

What you're currently saying about him just not being into her makes a lot more sense to me than the former idea.

I focused on her job and money situation because she was focused on his. I was just trying to give her a potential perspective that he may have, an explanation for why he isn't offering to pay, aside from his tepid feelings toward her.

June 19, 2014

Not to mention there is literally thousands of women out there who pursue a degree in nursing or teaching for no reason other than they see it as a noble profession. Many of them wash out when reality hits. Tutoring is not identical as teaching. Teaching requires difficult work and incredible commitment. There are countless people unsure of themselves, trying to discover their passions, who all threw in the towel once practicum rolled in. I suspect you're one of those people in the making.

Just because you haven't discovered your vocational passion does NOT mean you cannot support yourself and exist as an independent adult. Refusing to work fulltime simply because you haven't found your passion is inexcusable. Any real teacher out there has far more commitment than you ever would, and they won't leech off their parents just because they weren't completely happy in their jobs. So if you want to pin this on your boyfriend being too uninterested, then fine, you might even be correct. What matters is that you focus on yourself, because until the day you do learn to be an independent adult, you'll fail horribly at this relationship business.

Your poor parents... I couldn't imagine them having to support an adult child.

My mom travels 2 hrs going and coming to the nearest big city where she teaches. On top of dealing with a lot of children that have trouble learning, she has parents to call and has a lot of grading to do.

Despite her over 15 years as an educator, and almost 30 years as a city employee, my mom still chooses to work in a high needs school. And this is a woman in her 50s. There are days that my mom loves her job, and days she absolutely hates it. Theres a lot of stress that comes with teaching in a high needs school where many of the parents arent on top of their kids school work...and where some of the teachers are fresh out of college and dont really give a damn about the students.

OP, get a job now, and become acclimated to a full time working schedule. Because depending on your location, and the teaching needs of your area...you will have a huge wake up call once you begin teaching. My mom has to deal with colleagues who are young 20 somethings, who dont know how to command a classroom or prepare all their lesson plans properly (this all comes with experience though). And some of these teachers dont see to care about the students doing well....and it seems that they are there just to get their experience and leave.

Anyways, as I was saying...based on your area...you may end up in a not-so-good school. And in my metro area, young teachers with no experience do not get first choice on the better schools, and thats because they lack experience and havent paid their dues yet. So think about all thats been said.

You need to prepare for the rigors of full time work...especially in a field like teaching. I know that my first couple full times jobs outta college were a shock for me because of the work load, commute, and schedule I was on. Trust me...get some full time work experience now.

June 19, 2014

In my opinion, he should take you out. A "gold digger" will be after his money in a whole different kind of way. If he makes 140K a year, he should be able to pay for diner once a week.

If you make 140k a year, and he had a part time job (provided that he was on his way to get an education and/or a better income!), would you have an issue paying for a night out? Surely you wouldn't.

Yes, it's nice if once in a while you are the one paying for the movie tickets.

My opinion? The guy is cheap.

Yea he sounds cheap & like a creep sorry but he really really does to me so u know u shouldn't be with him if it upsets u so much. I make okay money but nowhere near 140k. That's a whole lot of money esp in this economy with not many good jobs left to get. If I made money like that I be so so good to u & any other girl I like by taking us out on very nice vacations. I have nothing else to do with all that money anyways .

June 19, 2014

I wish my gf would pay and buy stuff for me too, but that's how it is. I don't mind splitting the bill on things because it's fair. Although if you feel like the burden on both of you isn't equivalent then you should let him know. If he doesn't change that then you can either leave or deal with the situation.

June 19, 2014

I would pay for stuff if my GF asked for it if its needed and I have the money. No problems with that. Anything to make her happy.

June 19, 2014

Weren't you living with your parents rent-free in your early 20s and even part of your mid 20s, kaylan...? (Not that there's anything necessarily wrong with that, but I don't understand your animosity towards the OP when you've done the same yourself)

It's also quite amusing that a thread about her boyfriend paying for a couple of dinners all of a sudden blows into a huge nasty flamewar about entitlement and her employment and parental situation - which wasn't even her question (and which isn't that dire with a Masters in a STEM field at 24 IMO). Not that I expected anything else. But she seems to have given up on this thread anyway, and will probably create another a couple weeks from now about how her bf is still ogling other girls, so....

June 19, 2014

I still don't understand all the people who are saying OP needs to get a real job and has a sense of entitlement.

Let's say she found a full time job. Let's say she makes 45-50K at her job, that's the country's median income right? He still makes 140k. So then what. Are you going to say because her income doesn't match his, they shouldn't be dating? But she has a full time job? But that's not enough now? Like whoever said she should just date someone who makes 1/3 of what she makes and see how it goes? So I should only date someone whose income is comparable to mine? That's really classist because I don't make crazy money, but I have dated men who make crazy money. Some are generous and some are not. This has nothing to do with income. And when she complains about her income being less than his significantly, this is about consideration. This is about him.

This is about a fundamental part of his personality. So what if she took a year off. School is stressful. So what if her parents allowed her the opportunity to find her calling and supported her. Wow, sorry she has loving parents who want to give their kid a break. You're assuming she doesn't appreciate it, you're assuming she's not going to find ways to repay them when she starts earning, you know, maybe she's the type to take care of them when they get older and NOT send them to a home, who knows! But you're assuming she's ungrateful, spoiled and entitled, but this has nothing to do with her boyfriend!

The point is that this dude is selfish and inconsiderate and cheap! And the few of you are kind of being classist about it. What does it have to do with income than with his personality.

Here's an example that has nothing to do with anything except for personality.

I moved cities and i stayed on my friends couch for a month looking for a new place to live. He didn't ask me for anything, and I didn't have much, so I said I would pay for all his groceries for the month, and treat him to dinner after, and I helped out around the place. I was sooooo grateful to him and his kindness.

So a few years later, I had a friend who moved to my city and asked if he could crash on my couch til he found a place. I asked him for nothing. He stayed with me for 2 weeks. He ate my food, and made a mess, and bought me take out once because I told him to. Oh he makes a lot of money.

A few months later, I had another friend who was moving to my city, and she asked if she could stay the weekend. She brought me a gift, she cleaned up after herself, and now every time I see her she insists on paying for my Starbucks, and insists on taking me out for a really nice dinner to thank me for my kindess. Oh, she has been struggling for a long time and finally landed a great job.

This has nothing to do with anything except the people they are.

June 19, 2014

Weren't you living with your parents rent-free in your early 20s and even part of your mid 20s, kaylan...? (Not that there's anything necessarily wrong with that, but I don't understand your animosity towards the OP when you've done the same yourself)

It's also quite amusing that a thread about her boyfriend paying for a couple of dinners all of a sudden blows into a huge nasty flamewar about entitlement and her employment and parental situation - which wasn't even her question (and which isn't that dire with a Masters in a STEM field at 24 IMO). Not that I expected anything else. But she seems to have given up on this thread anyway, and will probably create another a couple weeks from now about how her bf is still ogling other girls, so....

Yeah! I don't know how this thread became what it became!!!!!!

June 19, 2014

Yeah! I don't know how this thread became what it became!!!!!!

It's the way all 'paying for dinner' threads go around here. Most common example of turning molehills into mountains, of all the hot button issues here.

Really, people should just date other people with compatible viewpoints (be it dutch or otherwise) and live and let live.

June 19, 2014

If the OP made the same income as her BF, I doubt he would treat her any differently. She, however, would probably be taking him out, buying him gifts, paying for romantic weekend getaways. It wouldn't make any difference to him, I fear.

She has low self-esteem so shouldn't date until she sorts herself out.

June 19, 2014

You aren't compatible.

Google? You live in CA? $140K isn't loads of money if you live in CA. Also, kinda weird for a bf of 9 months to let you know how much he makes. And if he thinks you're a gold digger why would he even tell you how much he makes anyways.

June 19, 2014

It's the way all 'paying for dinner' threads go around here. Most common example of turning molehills into mountains, of all the hot button issues here.

Really, people should just date other people with compatible viewpoints (be it dutch or otherwise) and live and let live.

Oh - I havent been reading a lot of the threads til now lol. I usually just focus in on my own problem thread while eating 3 pizzas. lol. But i like this! As in writing in threads. It's interesting.

Yeah! People are never going to agree on the same things! We all have a different viewpoint on life, on many different aspects of life. A lot of things I'm reading, i'm just like... whoa. what? why? what?... lol... how fascinating.

June 19, 2014

Sometimes a child is raised to believe that people should work for the things they desire. How long have you been unemployed for? Maybe he sees that you might not be trying to improve your position as much as you should be.

Maybe he wasn't raised with the idea of supporting some one else in mind, when they are capable of earning their own way.

That's just what popped into my head.

I'm kind of weird on this subject. If I was dating an unemployed chick, I would not be paying every time. Most times actually. It's I guess a sign of the level of respect I have for her as a person.

If she had a job and was a hard worker, I'd want to pay for her EVERY time.

I don't know, it could just be a way he views you as a person.

June 19, 2014

Because the OP, and many others, are basically saying that if a guy doesn't pay for his woman, than he obviously doesn't care for her. It's the attitude that she is owed free dinners, instead of them each paying their way, for no other reason than she is the woman. Couple that with the fact that she is living with her parents, and not exactly trying to earn enough money to support herself, and it just seems like she's looking for someone to pay for her.

As a man, what I take from the things said in this thread are that our lot in life is to pay for our women, no matter how much money we make, or else we are cheapskates, and our women should leave us.

Do you really think that's what it means?

In my family, growing up, in my immediate family and extended family, we show our love to one another through food. Big dinners, family pot lucks, going out to eat together, sharing stories, and laughter, it was so much fun! And in our family, we love good food, and we eat a lot and we appreciate good meals. My cousins invite me and my parents over to cook for us, I bring home exotic meats and chocolates to them when I travel, I treat you, you treat me. It's how it goes. So to me, if you love me, you feed me, and I feed you. Because that's what I do with my family, and my friends, we love feeding each other. To me, eating is an experience, trying new things, trying a new place! Or going to an old place, whatever, food is love. And going out to eat costs money, and eating in costs money, everything costs money in this life! It's unavoidable!

So I don't know how you show your woman you care for her. But my men/people know I love food, and they feed me, friends, family, boyfriends, colleagues! Sometimes I show up to work and people leave food at my desk! And if i am in a relationship, if that means taking me out to try a new restaurant, or surprising me with home made dinner for when I return home from work, or showing up to my place with take out, that's taking care of me with food, and food costs money! I love making people happy. And people I am with love making me happy. And I want to be with people who want me to be happy just as much as I want them to be happy. So that's why I don't understand. To give is love.

Edited June 19, 2014 by hopefullove

June 19, 2014

Weren't you living with your parents rent-free in your early 20s and even part of your mid 20s, kaylan...? (Not that there's anything necessarily wrong with that, but I don't understand your animosity towards the OP when you've done the same yourself)

It's also quite amusing that a thread about her boyfriend paying for a couple of dinners all of a sudden blows into a huge nasty flamewar about entitlement and her employment and parental situation - which wasn't even her question (and which isn't that dire with a Masters in a STEM field at 24 IMO). Not that I expected anything else. But she seems to have given up on this thread anyway, and will probably create another a couple weeks from now about how her bf is still ogling other girls, so....

When living with my parents during college and afterwards I took out my own loans, paid for my own rent when I lived near campus on my own, paid my own bills, etc. I was not allowed after college, to just tell my folks "hey Im going to take a year off and work a part time job and not contribute to the household". I was expected to pay my own bills and expenses and help contribute to the household.

OPs situation sounds nothing like that.

The point is that a girl with a graduate STEM degree should HAVE A JOB and not expect things from others. If I was the boyfriend, Id be put off by a girlfriend whos educated, but refuses to find gainful employment, yet wants to look down on me for how I spend my money, yet shes still supported by her folks and wont do better.

Edited June 19, 2014 by kaylan

June 19, 2014

Do you really think that's what it means?
In my family, growing up, in my immediate family and extended family, we show our love to one another through food. Big dinners, family pot lucks, going out to eat together, sharing stories, and laughter, it was so much fun! And in our family, we love good food, and we eat a lot and we appreciate good meals. My cousins invite me and my parents over to cook for us, I bring home exotic meats and chocolates to them when I travel, I treat you, you treat me. It's how it goes. So to me, if you love me, you feed me, and I feed you. Because that's what I do with my family, and my friends, we love feeding each other. To me, eating is an experience, trying new things, trying a new place! Or going to an old place, whatever, food is love. And going out to eat costs money, and eating in costs money, everything costs money in this life! It's unavoidable!

So I don't know how you show your woman you care for her. But my men/people know I love food, and they feed me, friends, family, boyfriends, colleagues! Sometimes I show up to work and people leave food at my desk! And if i am in a relationship, if that means taking me out to try a new restaurant, or surprising me with home made dinner for when I return home from work, or showing up to my place with take out, that's taking care of me with food, and food costs money! I love making people happy. And people I am with love making me happy. And I want to be with people who want me to be happy just as much as I want them to be happy. So that's why I don't understand. To give is love.

Yes, but that only works when there is some give and take. You seem to be leaning very heavily on the taking side without much on the giving side. Your family wants to give to you. Your friends want to give you you. Your boyfriend should want to give to you, but he isn't giving. 'He is so selfish!'

I think what has some of the people picking on you is the impression you are projecting is that you are very big on sharing as long as the sharing comes in, rather than out.

You are in the process of leaving the shelter and support of your family and going out into the real world where most people have to fend for themselves. You might be catching some flack because you appear to be under the impression that others should support you, and that is 'sharing'. But, so far in your life, it appears that most of this sharing has been going in one direction.

I think is is a common thought process to have around your age (18-22), but you will likely get less support for that frame of mind as you age past 22.

June 19, 2014

I think a lot of people have already said that even if she were to make the same, or more than him, his attitude would not change. And this has nothing to do with her situation than with the person he is. Which is the topic of this conversation. Her boyfriend does not treat her to dates. He makes a lot of money. He is a cheap skate.. That's it.

June 19, 2014

I think a lot of people have already said that even if she were to make the same, or more than him, his attitude would not change. And this has nothing to do with her situation than with the person he is. Which is the topic of this conversation. Her boyfriend does not treat her to dates. He makes a lot of money. He is a cheap skate.. That's it.

I'm surprised (well not really) that in our modern, equal world, that people still think like this. Just because she brings her body and the prospect of sex to the relationship does not mean that the man is supposed to bring cash to the relationship. That is oppressive, patriarchal thinking (not to mention, basically calling the woman, in such a situation, a prostitute). We are in the modern world where men no longer buy women's affections.

Edited June 19, 2014 by TXGuy

June 19, 2014

I'm surprised (well not really) that in our modern, equal world, that people still think like this. Just because she brings her body and the prospect of sex to the relationship does not mean that the man is supposed to bring cash to the relationship. That is oppressive, patriarchal thinking (not to mention, basically calling the woman, in such a situation, a prostitute). We are in the modern world where men no longer buy women's affections.

did you read what I wrote about people crashing on my couch.

it has nothing to do with men and women and sex and hookering. but the own person's generosity.

I dont know what you're talking about modern equal world. when i am with friends, female friends, that make less than I do, and are in school, I will treat them to things, because even though I don't make a lot of money, I make more than them, and it makes me happy to make them happy. I'm not trying to sleep with them, I just like making people happy.

My coworkers bought me a birthday cake for my birthday. That cost money. No one is trying to sleep with me, they are trying to make me happy.

My friend had an extra concert ticket, asked me if i wanted to go, didn't charge me even though the ticket was like $150, didn't want to sleep with me.

My cousin buys me presents all the time, he makes good money, so he's always taking us, the little cousins, out for dinners, always treating us. Gross, is he trying to sleep with me?

How is this oppressive or patriarchal. Doing nice things for people you are in a relationship with. WTF!? Being generous is oppressive? I'm just lucky I come from relationships where all my friends are generous people, and I'm a generous person, and it makes us happy to make other people happy. Wow, so oppressive.

June 19, 2014

HopefulLove: I get what you're saying about giving to those you care about, I really do. My GF never even has to bring her wallet anymore when we go out, because she knows I plan to pay for everything. I have no problems giving.

The nature of the things being said in this thread are what troubles me. So many people telling the OP she should leave her BF just because he insists that they split costs when they go out, as if his willingness to spend money on her is the measure of his love. I disagree. I don't think all people measure affection in the same way. Even though I pay for my GF, that's not how I show her I care. I show her I care because she is the girl I choose to spend my time with. Shouldn't that be what matters? Does it always have to be about money to women? Because, if it is, then I definitely wouldn't be interested in any woman who would only stay with me based on my willingness to pay her way.

Another issue is the fact that the OP is actually here on the internet complaining about the lack of free dinners she gets. I can tell you with 100% certainty that if I quit paying for my girlfriend and I to go out, she would have ZERO problems with her and I doing things that cost nothing, just for us to be together. I can't say that about the OP.

okay. so you treat your girlfriend out.

Why do you do that. to oppress her. cus you're the man. Like why are you agreeing with texas guy over there. You take her out cus you want to right? cus you love her and you want to.

She said this dude took her out 3 times in 9 months. Let's say, Birthday, Valentines day, and First Date, so all the other times she paid her own way or she paid for him. So you're saying if this is how you treated your girlfriend, I don't know how long you've been together, but if this is how you treated her, she would totally still be with you. On top of ooggling at other women and being a general douche. Which is what people have gathered that OP's bf does/is. Right?

June 19, 2014

When living with my parents during college and afterwards I took out my own loans, paid for my own rent when I lived near campus on my own, paid my own bills, etc. I was not allowed after college, to just tell my folks "hey Im going to take a year off and work a part time job and not contribute to the household". I was expected to pay my own bills and expenses and help contribute to the household.

But they were still financially supporting you to an extent (by letting you live at home rent-free) well into your mid-20s, yes? I don't see how that is so different, tbh. I also recall you posting that if a woman is put off by an adult man who lives at home with his parents, then she's not 'worth it'.

The point is that a girl with a graduate STEM degree should HAVE A JOB and not expect things from others. If I was the boyfriend, Id be put off by a girlfriend whos educated, but refuses to find gainful employment, yet wants to look down on me for how I spend my money, yet shes still supported by her folks and wont do better.

Indeed. But whether you believe her actions are right or wrong (and to me, her arrangement with her parents, just like yours with your parents, are really none of my business), it isn't the topic of the thread.

June 19, 2014

Her boyfriend does not treat her to dates. He makes a lot of money. He is a cheap skate.. That's it.
See what I mean? Her boyfriend doesn't pay her way, so he's obviously a cheapskate. Doesn't that mean she is also a cheapskate for not paying his way? Not to mention that 140k is not exactly a ton of money these days.

Yeah! he is obviously a cheapskate.

What is this about paying her way. What is she asking for. To be dated? Why is that so terrible. She said she does pay his way. She said she has treated him out more than he has treated her. And she doesn't have the means to.

140k is a ton of money! When the national average income is 50k. these are the stats.

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Boyfriend never pays for me even though he earns loads and I don't?

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