Boyfriend never pays for me even though he earns loads and I don't?

[Sweeetie]

Most people don't have the luxury to just take a year off to figure out their passion while they live off their parents. You mentioned your boyfriend came from a working class family. He must find it mind boggling that you have two college degrees and are only working part time as a life guard.

 

Well how I live my life is up to me. If I wanted to take a year out, I had a right to. If he wanted to take a year out, he had a right to, regardless of financial background. He met me during my year out, so if he didn't like what he saw, he wouldn't have gone there.

[sweetjasmine]

Does anyone honestly think that if OP suddenly landed a high-paying job that he'd treat her to dinner?

[clia]

Well how I live my life is up to me. If I wanted to take a year out, I had a right to. If he wanted to take a year out, he had a right to, regardless of financial background. He met me during my year out, so if he didn't like what he saw, he wouldn't have gone there.

 

Okay, and how he lives his life is up to him. He doesn't want to pay for you.

[jbelle6]

A couple of points to make here:

1) He is an engineer. I work in the Silicon Valley and 95% of the engineers I have ever worked with (literally hundreds) are just a different breed of people. Most are socially awkward but smart as hell. He just probably doesn't subscribe to dating norms

2) He might just be a frugal guy

 

 

 

So true re. engineers.

[MidwestUSA]

Does anyone honestly think that if OP suddenly landed a high-paying job that he'd treat her to dinner?

 

Nope. Slizl's points above are dead on, I might add. I think the guy is frugal, and it wouldn't matter if he'd already banked his first million.

 

Socially awkward? This guy ogles other women when he and OP are out (but he's not into PDA), tells her she's only attractive when she dresses up, the list goes on. You only need to read the thread titles.

 

Really, OP, take the teaching opportunity to break away. Realize there's the chance he may fade out on you and make the decision easy for you. You've got so much ahead of you!

[Zahara]

Well how I live my life is up to me. If I wanted to take a year out, I had a right to. If he wanted to take a year out, he had a right to, regardless of financial background. He met me during my year out, so if he didn't like what he saw, he wouldn't have gone there.

 

I think the same argument can be made that if in 9 months, since you met him, he's only paid for 3 dates, then you have every right to exit as it does not abide with what you believe you deserve -- and he has every right to do whatever he wants to do with his money if he feels you're not carrying your weight in the relationship.

 

Just as you believe you have every right to take a year off, then he has every right withhold spending his money on you. You knew about his frugality then, just as he knew about your work situation then. BOTH of you have gone there.

 

You can't be selective in terms of rights.

[pteromom]

This is a difference in values.

 

It's not about who makes more money. I don't know why people are making it about that.

 

He obviously is very protective of his assets. He may be one of those people who believe everyone is out to TAKE from him, or he may be a secret feminism-hater, or he may have some kind of experience with a true gold-digger that makes him refuse to spend money on a woman.

 

But you want to feel special and loved. And you have this guy who will share things with you that benefit HIM - like sex and conversation and companionship, but won't share his money because it's giving rather than taking. He would rather NOT go out to dinner at all than spend $40 of his money so you can be with him. I find that a MAJOR turn-off.

 

Think about a future relationship with this guy. If you move in, he's going to have the calculator out to make sure everything is split equally. He's going to expect you to keep working - being a SAHM for a few years won't be an option, and if it is, he will be giving you an allowance and monitoring everything you spend. You'll have to fight for vacations and home improvements and any kind of "unnecessary" spending.

 

One of his values is obviously protecting his money, which will color everything about your life together.

 

Just think about whether that is what you want.

[jbelle6]

Oh, Christ on a cracker. I did just go back and look, sure enough this is THAT guy. I remember every single one of your posts.

 

 

I was right, he's a well rounded D!CK.

 

Sorry Sweeetie, no sympathy from me anymore, people will only treat you how you let them and this guy doesn't give a damn for you so of course he would see taking you to dinner as a waste, what do you expect. Have fun with him.

[Gaeta]

Ok, I had a peek at your past threads. It's self-explanatory. Didn't you break up with him like 2 weeks ago?

 

Listen: You already are accepting numerous sheety treatments from him so it's just one more for you to put up with right?

 

Good for you to take a year off but don't expect people around to finance it.

[pteromom]

Listen: You already are accepting numerous sheety treatments from him so it's just one more for you to put up with right?

 

I just peeked at your past threads too, OP. This "boyfriend" of yours isn't compatible with you on many levels. You need to move on.

[ktya]

With the staggering difference in your incomes his friends are probably constantly warning him not to blow all his money on you and are encouraging him to get a girl who is in the same stage of life as he is.

 

I would imagine your maybe making a thousand a month as a part time lifeguard while he's grossing over $12000.

 

He is thinking of buying a house, investing his money, saving for a rainy day, his retirement, trying to figure out what he's going to do with himself and his career. If he's a software engineer its quite possible that he being from a working class family has never imagined himself making this kind of money and he never had the craving to live the "baller" lifestyle.

 

If hes working long days in the Google campus there is a lot of social interaction there and he probably feels like he doesn't really "need" anything, including you.

 

Now when you keep bringing up him paying for things of course he's going to pull out the gold digger card. Your essentially giving him crap for not spending his money on you and saying it makes you feel devalued because he makes so much more money than you so why wont he pay for you.

 

From a birds eye view he could be a bit more sensitive to your situation, take you out and offer to pay all the time but go to cheaper places so it didn't break his bank and even periodically buy you really expensive and practical gifts that he thought might make it easier for you to make more money.

 

But its all up to him.

 

If you want to stay with him stop bringing up the money. Dont whine about how your broke, dont complain about how he never pays for you, dont talk to him about your financial troubles. If he goes out for lunch with a girl from work do you think she would complain if he pays and about how shes broke all the time? Doubtful. You are painting yourself into a corner.

[jrh1524]

Here's my opinion on dating and paying. This may open your eyes. It may not.

 

When dating (officially dating) I will pay for women if they have a full time career. I once dated a woman that was between jobs and was living on government assistance. I only paid for dates occasionally with her.

 

I think I have this thought in the back of my mind, when dating women that are very poor, that they may not be with me if I don't pay for dates. I guess it's a test.

[pteromom]

 

 

I think I have this thought in the back of my mind, when dating women that are very poor, that they may not be with me if I don't pay for dates. I guess it's a test.

 

But if you only paid for 3 dates in 9 months and she was still around, wouldn't she have passed the test? At what point does the test end?

[sweetjasmine]

But if you only paid for 3 dates in 9 months and she was still around, wouldn't she have passed the test? At what point does the test end?

 

And what would it mean if she paid for you more than once, like OP did?

 

This isn't even counting the "he doesn't think I'm that attractive" and the ogling other women and the "he interrupts me when we're talking and doesn't listen" and all the other problems in this relationship.

[HeartbrokenNewbie]

Babe he isnt that into you, he doesnt want to spend his hard earnt money on you.. I was seeing a bloke a while back and I am a single parent working my arse off he earnt thousands and we either went halves or I paid. I always pay my own way but that was taking the piss... u know what he werent that into me x

[MalachiX]

No one issue can define a relationship.

 

People go through ups and downs financially and in other ways. If I was making bank and my SO was going through a rough patch, I wouldn't have a problem paying for more dates while she was in trouble. I would hope for the same if our situations were reversed. Part of being in a serious relationship is that you help each other in times of need because you know the other person will do the same.

 

That said, money is just one aspect of helping. Does he help you out in other ways? Is he there for you when you need him emotionally? Does he help you deal with other difficulties?

 

Also, more importantly, are you willing to overcompensate for him at times when he needs it? Are there times when he's really busy when you are more willing to be flexible in your time because his job is pushing him?

 

You shouldn't try to calculate each person's contributions to a relationship as a game of numbers. That doesn't work. What is important is that both of you give to each other in different ways and are there for each other in times of need.

 

I guess this is just a long winded way of saying, "IS THIS ABOUT MORE THAN JUST MONEY?" If you feel you're putting more into the relationship that he is, this may be a sign that you guys shouldn't move forward. After 9 months, you really should know where you stand.

[mrs rubble]

My eldest son's father is exactly like this guy, he'd make me take my car on all our dates "because it's cheaper to run" (of course it's cheaper to run when you don't have to pay for petrol!) I'd pay for him more often than he would for me, even though he earnt 3 or 4 times the amount I did...then I shifted in with him and paid $60p/w towards the rent, when he paid $12. He would go up the road while the flatmate and I were working and buy bread and milk to make his lunch and then charge the flatmate and I for a third of it each!

When our son was born he refused to support me at all, and I was forced to go back to work when he was 6 weeks old (we had no paid maternity leave in NZ back then.) so I could pay my share of the bills. He has never bought our son any clothes, shoes or contributed towards his education or healthcare.

He is obviously quite well off now. He lives a sad lonely life with his money and I wouldn't be surprised if he had it turned into gold bars to be buried with him when he passes.

How does the future sound with a guy like this?? Spare yourself the grief and leave Mr Scrooge and his money to it.

[TheBladeRunner]

In my opinion, he should take you out. A "gold digger" will be after his money in a whole different kind of way. If he makes 140K a year, he should be able to pay for diner once a week.

 

If you make 140k a year, and he had a part time job (provided that he was on his way to get an education and/or a better income!), would you have an issue paying for a night out? Surely you wouldn't.

 

Yes, it's nice if once in a while you are the one paying for the movie tickets.

 

My opinion? The guy is cheap.

 

OP: Your boyfriend is a meathead and a D-Bag! I make good money and I pay for dates, sorry, he should too. Chivalry IS NOT dead IMO.

[FitChick]

I think he sees you as a FWB. I'm sure if he met a hot woman who expected him to pay for everything, he'd do it, even if she were a certified golddigger. Men are funny that way!

[RachR]

I skimmed over some of your past threads. You say your boyfriends loves you very much, but he sure doesn't act like it. I'm sorry but he doesn't. He actually reminds me of an ex of mine who was a jerk, non committal, most likely a narcissist and ultimately not that into me. I was a "for now" woman and it kind of sounds like you are too.

[TaurusTerp]

I didn't read your other threads but it sounds like there is more to the story, but in support of your boyfriend's actions -

 

I pay for the first 2 dates. After that, it's dutch or done. I split everything 50/50 with my girlfriend. I don't care what excuses you have for not making enough money to even live of. Do you want to be my equal partner in this relationship or do you want to be my pet I have to take care of? For a long term relationship, I want a woman that is ambitious and intelligent and wants to be with me rather than NEEDS to be with me.

[jbelle6]

Here's my opinion on dating and paying. This may open your eyes. It may not.

 

When dating (officially dating) I will pay for women if they have a full time career. I once dated a woman that was between jobs and was living on government assistance. I only paid for dates occasionally with her.

 

I think I have this thought in the back of my mind, when dating women that are very poor, that they may not be with me if I don't pay for dates. I guess it's a test.

 

 

Well, then don't date women on gov't assistance if you will judge and treat them different. I am not saying you are wrong for doing so, just don't do it. Your reasoning makes absolutely no sense though.

I have dated men that make way more than double I do and if they want to take me somewhere that is out of my means he'll have to pay. I will plan dates equally that are in my means, I think whomever invites should pay so that no one is put in an awkward position of having to outright say they can't afford it. If I have been with a guy though coming up to a year and he pulls this crap? No bueno.

 

My last guy was a student with a tiny job living with family so don't throw gold digger crap in my face. If you have it and you are stingy get out of my face. If you don't and are sweet, that's cool.

Edited June 18, 2014 by jbelle6

[BlueIris]

Why does a man have to pay for a woman for her to think he's into her? If a guy has to pay for a girlfriend, someone is going to have to me explain the difference between a girlfriend and a hooker.

 

I'm female and have paid more when I dated someone who made less. It's just contributing what you are comfortable with and can contribute. It pleases me to do things I like to do with someone I like. The men I've dated who made more felt the same way.

 

The hooker analogy only comes up if you're more concerned about money than the person and having fun together. Funny thing is, most of the guys I've known who were so afraid of gold-diggers didn't have much gold anyway and/or had some emotional issues about being taken advantage of. Some people just fear that, whether it's money or something else.

 

OP's guy sounds like a money-first guy, and not good boyfriend material, maybe alone with his gold bars one day, like Mrs. Rubble's ex (which cracks me up).

Edited June 18, 2014 by BlueIris

[BlueIris]

I wouldn't date someone who expected or was unappreciative and didn't want to contribute- in either direction. Sounds like you wouldn't either.

 

OP's guy pays far less than she does and makes MUCH more. I'd dump someone who did that. It's just inconsiderate, uncaring.

 

There are some folks who caretake by paying, though. It's not that uncommon.

[Els]

This alone might not necessarily mean anything, but paired with the ogling thread... yeah, I'd wager you might wanna cut your losses.

 

Go for your teaching course and focus on your career IMO.

 

Edit: Also, congrats on the Masters! At 24, that is an achievement in my books. You can do much better than a guy who perpetually ogles other women when you're around. Really. Ditch him.

Edited June 18, 2014 by Elswyth