Sweeetie Posted June 17, 2014 Share Posted June 17, 2014 Hi all, My boyfriend and I have been together for just over 9 months, we're both 24. He has a great job at Google as a software engineer and earns $140,000 a year, and I am unemployed with a part-time job as a lifeguard, but I'm going to embark on a teaching course in a few months so I will be more financially stable later on. I'm from a middle class family and my parents support me but my father retired a few years ago and we have many other expenses, I feel bad constantly asking them for money. My boyfriend is from a working class family so he makes all of his own money. One thing that bothers me is that my boyfriend has only paid for me about 3 or 4 times in the 9 months that we have been together. I'm not a gold-digger, I am looking at this situation practically. Despite making loads of money and me frequently being broke, he always insists on splitting the bill. I like to make people feel special so I actually think I have paid for him more times than he has paid for me. I have started saying no to things like going out to dinner now because I'm broke, and instead of offering to pay for me he just says "ok no problem". If I ever bring up this problem he accuses me of being a gold-digger which I'm not. He just doesn't make me feel special anymore at all. Does anyone have advice on this? He seems to be inconsiderate with this and it's causing tension between us. Thanks Link to post Share on other sites
Philosoraptor Posted June 17, 2014 Share Posted June 17, 2014 Not sure I'd call it inconsiderate. It is what it is, and his actions seem to show that he doesn't believe it's his job to pay for you during dates. Nothing wrong with his position, it simply is what it is. Either you accept it or you move on. I personally never let my fiancee pay, but that's just how I am. He's the opposite. Different strokes for different folks. 7 Link to post Share on other sites
serial muse Posted June 17, 2014 Share Posted June 17, 2014 Hi all, My boyfriend and I have been together for just over 9 months, we're both 24. He has a great job at Google as a software engineer and earns $140,000 a year, and I am unemployed with a part-time job as a lifeguard, but I'm going to embark on a teaching course in a few months so I will be more financially stable later on. I'm from a middle class family and my parents support me but my father retired a few years ago and we have many other expenses, I feel bad constantly asking them for money. My boyfriend is from a working class family so he makes all of his own money. One thing that bothers me is that my boyfriend has only paid for me about 3 or 4 times in the 9 months that we have been together. I'm not a gold-digger, I am looking at this situation practically. Despite making loads of money and me frequently being broke, he always insists on splitting the bill. I like to make people feel special so I actually think I have paid for him more times than he has paid for me. I have started saying no to things like going out to dinner now because I'm broke, and instead of offering to pay for me he just says "ok no problem". If I ever bring up this problem he accuses me of being a gold-digger which I'm not. He just doesn't make me feel special anymore at all. Does anyone have advice on this? He seems to be inconsiderate with this and it's causing tension between us. Thanks Hm. Normally I'm a split-the-check person...but in the context of your other threads about this guy, I'm not so sure. This is going to sound painful but...I really think he's just not that into you, to borrow a cliche. Between this and the ogling other women and the fact that you were friends a while and he picked up other women in front of you...put together, it all sounds like he thinks you're a nice person and is well aware that you're good to him, but he's not all that invested emotionally. I think it's very, very good that you're going away for this teaching thing. I know you were hoping he'd express sadness and that it was disappointing that he was like "no! go!" - but the truth is, that is what's best for you, and even he knows it. He doesn't sound like a complete jerk or anything; perhaps a bit selfish. But I think you can do better for yourself, and I hope you will. There's a better match for you out there. 6 Link to post Share on other sites
iiiii Posted June 17, 2014 Share Posted June 17, 2014 Tricky. Is he considerate and kind in other ways? If not, the answer may simply be that he's not really that into you. If he's really kind in every other way, then perhaps he just has strong beliefs on this one subject. If he really strongly feels that he doesn't want to pay more than you for anything, then I guess you'll just have to respect his beliefs, even if it means that neither of you can eat out or go on expensive dates as often as you would like. It is unusual though - I can understand not wanting to always foot the bill for people you are casually dating, but it's a bit different in a long term relationship. Most people in a committed long term relationship work out a compromise where they both feel like they are contributing equally (not necessarily financially equally) over time, and both getting value from the relationship. If you're ever planning on moving in together, or having kids, it probably does need to be talked out to find a good compromise. I mean, if you move in together, will he be OK living in a cheap place so you can afford to pay half? Or what if you ultimately leave work to look after kids - will he resent the fact you are bringing less to the table financially? Link to post Share on other sites
Eddy Street Posted June 17, 2014 Share Posted June 17, 2014 I agree that he should pay for some dates, especially for those he initiates. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Elle1975 Posted June 17, 2014 Share Posted June 17, 2014 Hi all, My boyfriend and I have been together for just over 9 months, we're both 24. He has a great job at Google as a software engineer and earns $140,000 a year, and I am unemployed with a part-time job as a lifeguard, but I'm going to embark on a teaching course in a few months so I will be more financially stable later on. I'm from a middle class family and my parents support me but my father retired a few years ago and we have many other expenses, I feel bad constantly asking them for money. My boyfriend is from a working class family so he makes all of his own money. One thing that bothers me is that my boyfriend has only paid for me about 3 or 4 times in the 9 months that we have been together. I'm not a gold-digger, I am looking at this situation practically. Despite making loads of money and me frequently being broke, he always insists on splitting the bill. I like to make people feel special so I actually think I have paid for him more times than he has paid for me. I have started saying no to things like going out to dinner now because I'm broke, and instead of offering to pay for me he just says "ok no problem". If I ever bring up this problem he accuses me of being a gold-digger which I'm not. He just doesn't make me feel special anymore at all. Does anyone have advice on this? He seems to be inconsiderate with this and it's causing tension between us. Thanks In my opinion, he should take you out. A "gold digger" will be after his money in a whole different kind of way. If he makes 140K a year, he should be able to pay for diner once a week. If you make 140k a year, and he had a part time job (provided that he was on his way to get an education and/or a better income!), would you have an issue paying for a night out? Surely you wouldn't. Yes, it's nice if once in a while you are the one paying for the movie tickets. My opinion? The guy is cheap. 11 Link to post Share on other sites
Emilia Posted June 17, 2014 Share Posted June 17, 2014 He seems to be inconsiderate with this and it's causing tension between us. Thanks Really? Maybe he thinks having a part-time job as a lifeguard isn't exactly stretching you. maybe he feels that you should... you know... get a job? 7 Link to post Share on other sites
Zahara Posted June 17, 2014 Share Posted June 17, 2014 Having known your history with this guy, I have to say that he isn't invested in you emotionally, therefore doesn't feel the need to extend himself for you when it comes to his money. 5 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Sweeetie Posted June 17, 2014 Author Share Posted June 17, 2014 Really? Maybe he thinks having a part-time job as a lifeguard isn't exactly stretching you. maybe he feels that you should... you know... get a job? But he knows that I am going to do this teaching course in September which'll get me a job as a teacher. That wouldn't be an issue at all. Link to post Share on other sites
Emilia Posted June 17, 2014 Share Posted June 17, 2014 But he knows that I am going to do this teaching course in September which'll get me a job as a teacher. That wouldn't be an issue at all. But you aren't employed now, are you? It's only June, you could have earned months of wages by now. I'm assuming you haven't worked at all during this relationhip? Or certainly for a while? Let's put it this way: don't you think it's inconsiderate of you to expect someone who works full time to pay your way when you simply can't be bothered to work? 3 Link to post Share on other sites
MidwestUSA Posted June 17, 2014 Share Posted June 17, 2014 I agree that he should pay for some dates, especially for those he initiates. I'm betting he doesn't initiate much. OP, go away for the teaching thing and work on forgetting this guy. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Elle1975 Posted June 17, 2014 Share Posted June 17, 2014 But he knows that I am going to do this teaching course in September which'll get me a job as a teacher. That wouldn't be an issue at all. Congrats on becoming a teacher. Money is one of the important issues in a couple. Maybe he's not the guy for you. Link to post Share on other sites
clia Posted June 17, 2014 Share Posted June 17, 2014 Hmmm... Your boyfriend has obviously worked very hard to get to where he is and to make that kind of money. I'm wondering why you are 24 years old and only working a fun, part-time job as a life guard. Do you have a degree? Have you ever worked full-time? Are you looking for full-time jobs? Can you find another part-time job? I mean...you shouldn't be broke, relying on your parents to support you, and having to ask your parents for money at your age. Sorry if I sound harsh, but your boyfriend may feel the same way (as many people who have worked hard do, when faced with someone who they may perceive to be slacking off), and may be worrying that you want to take advantage of him. The fact that he's accused you of being a gold-digger is a sign of that. It's great that you are now deciding to embark on a teaching course, though. Is this to get a degree? One thing that bothers me is that my boyfriend has only paid for me about 3 or 4 times in the 9 months that we have been together. I'm not a gold-digger, I am looking at this situation practically. Despite making loads of money and me frequently being broke, he always insists on splitting the bill. Practically, he wants you to pay your share. After nine months, your options are to take it or leave it. Frankly, based on this and your past posts, I don't think he is all that into you. Most men who are making substantially more than their girlfriend don't mind treating sometimes, if not most of the time. I like to make people feel special so I actually think I have paid for him more times than he has paid for me. Stop paying for him. It's nice that you want to make him feel special, but you simply can't afford it. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Sweeetie Posted June 17, 2014 Author Share Posted June 17, 2014 But you aren't employed now, are you? It's only June, you could have earned months of wages by now. I'm assuming you haven't worked at all during this relationhip? Or certainly for a while? Let's put it this way: don't you think it's inconsiderate of you to expect someone who works full time to pay your way when you simply can't be bothered to work? You're speaking as if you know me and about my situation Emilia. I would say that your post is a little rude. This year I not only work part time as a lifeguard, but also as a private tutor of sciences all year. Currently the tutoring has finished because my students have finished their exams. Link to post Share on other sites
Elle1975 Posted June 17, 2014 Share Posted June 17, 2014 I'm betting he doesn't initiate much. OP, go away for the teaching thing and work on forgetting this guy. I wonder if it reflects on his behavior in intimacy as well. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Sweeetie Posted June 17, 2014 Author Share Posted June 17, 2014 Hmmm... Your boyfriend has obviously worked very hard to get to where he is and to make that kind of money. I'm wondering why you are 24 years old and only working a fun, part-time job as a life guard. Do you have a degree? Have you ever worked full-time? Are you looking for full-time jobs? Can you find another part-time job? I mean...you shouldn't be broke, relying on your parents to support you, and having to ask your parents for money at your age. Sorry if I sound harsh, but your boyfriend may feel the same way (as many people who have worked hard do, when faced with someone who they may perceive to be slacking off), and may be worrying that you want to take advantage of him. The fact that he's accused you of being a gold-digger is a sign of that. It's great that you are now deciding to embark on a teaching course, though. Is this to get a degree? My situation doesn't reflect my qualifications, since I completed a Bachelors degree in Biomedical Sciences as well as a Masters degree in Human Molecular Genetics. After that I spent some time wondering what I was going to do. Most people from my degrees go on to be research scientists but I decided I want to become a teacher due to discovering my passion for tutoring. Therefore last winter I applied for a teaching course, and got a place, and am due to start it in September. 5 Link to post Share on other sites
Emilia Posted June 17, 2014 Share Posted June 17, 2014 You're speaking as if you know me and about my situation Emilia. I would say that your post is a little rude. This year I not only work part time as a lifeguard, but also as a private tutor of sciences all year. Currently the tutoring has finished because my students have finished their exams. So how about getting other jobs? Why do you need to keep asking your parents for money? It seems to me that you have not made that much effort to finance yourself. You are educated, getting a job should not be that hard. You are asking opinions on whether he is inconsiderate and I see it from the other way round. My view is that he works probably quite hard while you don't. Private tutoring isn't usually a full time job either. I don't see why a person who works hard should finance someone who chooses not to work hard. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Gaeta Posted June 17, 2014 Share Posted June 17, 2014 I am sorry but at 24 you can do better than work a part-time job as life-guard and live off of your parents. Get a second job, work restaurants, work at wal-mart, work receptionist, whatever. I think it's more the fact you don't show much efforts in providing for yourself that turns him off. At your age my daughter worked 3 jobs to put herself through University. She is my only child, I could have financially supported her through her study but she is proud and hard working so she did everything she could to financially pull her own weight. Is that really the best you can do? 7 Link to post Share on other sites
hopefullove Posted June 17, 2014 Share Posted June 17, 2014 i'm a really generous person and I also like people to feel special like you, so i like to treat people to things, even though I don't make crazy money, it's just a part of who you are, and who I am. But after a while, i think you might resent your generosity especially when it is not reciprocated. Now generally my friends and family are all very generous people, and I can't stand cheap people, especially a cheap boyfriend! One time I had a cheap boyfriend, it was weird because he insisted on paying for when we went out because he was old school like that, but also cheap. We went out for thai food and we got a curry and he ate all the rice and I was left with nothing but curry, and I wanted to order another bowl of rice and he said no. lol. "Just eat the sauce". He wouldn't let me pay but he wouldn't let me order. lol. anyway it was ridiculous. ANYWAY what is my point. Your man sounds selfish, and that doesn't change. Whatever your circumstance for not working, whatever! who cares. You were just finishing school, now going back to school, it's a tough time to be a student. I have tons of friends who are in situations where one isn't working currently, one is finishing school, one just finished school and in a retail job, and their SO earns, and it's not like you're asking your SO to pay you rent or buy you gucci bags or whatever, its dating, it's spending time together, it's growing a relationship together, and sorry, but that all takes money, that's just the reality we live in, to go out, have a nice meal, watch a movie. Like I have friends who have lower paying jobs than me and when we have plans to go out and they say sorry let's do something else I'm broke, I say I will take care of dinner, it's not like we're eating at a Michelin star restaurant, its like $20 bucks. For good company, to make someone happy. I dunno, someone who makes THAT much money and can't see value in being generous and making their girl happy... What is he doing hoarding all the money anyway, building a mausoleum for when he dies. Like good luck with that buddy. Money is a reality but there are way more important things than hoarding it all. You're not asking for anything extravagant. Move onnnnnnn 2 Link to post Share on other sites
hopefullove Posted June 17, 2014 Share Posted June 17, 2014 I don't get why people are on you about working as a lifeguard. Hello - she just got her masters? That that's a lot of work. At 24? She's been in school the whole time. Why are you making her feel bad about pursuing academic endeavours, and concentrating on that. That wasn't the question. It was that her bf makes a buttload of money and splits hairs with her on everything and doesn't take her out. So I think people should stop talking about what he possibly thinks about her and why he doesn't think she's worth his money, and talk more about how it really sucks to be with someone who is selfish. 17 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Sweeetie Posted June 17, 2014 Author Share Posted June 17, 2014 I don't get why people are on you about working as a lifeguard. Hello - she just got her masters? That that's a lot of work. At 24? She's been in school the whole time. Why are you making her feel bad about pursuing academic endeavours, and concentrating on that. That wasn't the question. It was that her bf makes a buttload of money and splits hairs with her on everything and doesn't take her out. So I think people should stop talking about what he possibly thinks about her and why he doesn't think she's worth his money, and talk more about how it really sucks to be with someone who is selfish. Exactly. People are acting like I've never done anything to get far in life. I was simply taking a year out figuring out what my next step would be which enabled me to discover my passion for teaching. Link to post Share on other sites
snowflakes88 Posted June 17, 2014 Share Posted June 17, 2014 Having known your history with this guy, I have to say that he isn't invested in you emotionally, therefore doesn't feel the need to extend himself for you when it comes to his money. This........ 1 Link to post Share on other sites
jbelle6 Posted June 17, 2014 Share Posted June 17, 2014 I could not date him. People insulting you or your job aren't getting the point, which is, if you made double or triple that this guy makes, you would treat him more, but he is a stingy a$$. I don't like people like that because they are usually stingy in other ways as well. I bet if I read your back posts he turns out to be not very giving in many other ways. If he has a problem with your job he should not have dated you. Get rid of him. 5 Link to post Share on other sites
clia Posted June 17, 2014 Share Posted June 17, 2014 Exactly. People are acting like I've never done anything to get far in life. I was simply taking a year out figuring out what my next step would be which enabled me to discover my passion for teaching. Most people don't have the luxury to just take a year off to figure out their passion while they live off their parents. You mentioned your boyfriend came from a working class family. He must find it mind boggling that you have two college degrees and are only working part time as a life guard. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
slizl Posted June 17, 2014 Share Posted June 17, 2014 A couple of points to make here: 1) He is an engineer. I work in the Silicon Valley and 95% of the engineers I have ever worked with (literally hundreds) are just a different breed of people. Most are socially awkward but smart as hell. He just probably doesn't subscribe to dating norms 2) He might just be a frugal guy 1 Link to post Share on other sites
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