On the road to find out...

[life-is-short]

I seem to be teetering back and forth between Cat Steven's "On the Road to Find Out" (on my better days) and "Trouble" (on my worst days). Breakups create a strange chemical/emotional cocktail of deep sadness, craving the ex, optimism for something better, assured resignation of the reality of the situation, and delusional hopes that my ex misses me so much she'll contact me begging for me back (yeah right).

 

I broke up with my girlfriend a week ago. I loved her, but she was distancing herself from me and she basically had shown, through her actions, that she was breaking up with me, but for whatever reason didn't want to do it herself. I wanted to stay in the relationship and keep working on things, but she said she wasn't ready for the relationship and didn't want to stay in it.

 

Thinking back over the past nine months, there were clues from the beginning that I ignored (willful ignorance) regarding her interest in me and regarding her emotional maturity. She would tell me throughout the relationship how empty she was inside and she had ideations of death becoming her (I recommended she get counseling on many occasions). She said she didn't feel particularly connected to any friends. When we were out with friends, she was the social queen that everyone gravitated to. She had a charisma that was magnetic. Guys would always be chasing her because she was so confident and seemingly strong (even though much of it was an act, perhaps for seeking attention/affection). But inside of her was dark and sad. She said she knew that I cared about her deeply. She said I was the best bf to her she's ever had, but also that I was too much (too nice, too helpful, too...). She said she felt love for me at times, but that it scared her and she pushed it away. She wasn't a partner in the relationship, only a receiver. She didn't reciprocate. She wasn't emotionally mature (she pushed away emotions and tried to make everything logical/thinking-based), was physically distant, spiritually confused, and intellectually insecure. She was classic attachment-avoidant (reading the book Attached helped me to see this clearly) and was hyper-critical of me all the time, to the point of it probably being verbally abusive. But her actions were clear throughout the relationship and I naively ignored them. She was consistent in her behavior and I should have left much, much earlier. Ultimately, I have only myself to blame for investing so much of my heart, time, and being into someone who wasn't ready to accept it and be an equal partner. I could have saved myself a lot more heart ache by ending this early on instead of waiting nine months. So I take accountability for this. She is human and several years younger than me and she's doing the best she can on Earth and we're just at different life stages. I hope she finds happiness with another person, even though I wish it would have been with me.

 

I'm generally a happy, confident, and self-assured man (at least going into the relationship), but the relationship has taken a major toll on my self-confidence. Post break-up, I'm trying to rebuild it and gain back the self-worth and boundaries that wilted away during the relationship. I made major mistakes of not setting my boundaries properly with her. I let her disrespect me without any consequences. I fell in love with her potential and with the idea of "us" instead of evaluating clearly the reality that "us" wasn't working. I should have left probably a couple of months into the relationship when it was clear that she wasn't invested and she wasn't interested in working to make things better. I gave her the benefit of the doubt too much, I think in part because I felt pity/empathy on her as I could tell that she was suffering inside. I think I loved her more than she loved herself.

 

I'm keeping NC and plan to indefinitely, if not forever from her. I miss her and wish I could see her and wish she missed me, but I know through friends she has already moved on and going out on dates with people, including the ex she had before me. I wish her happiness and success. I'm not particularly bitter, more disappointed in myself and my ego has taken a hit at the rejection (and my ego wishes she would somehow miss me, but I know that isn't the case).

 

I've been through several serious relationships before so I know that I'll get through this, but I wish there was a shortcut (I know there isn't). I know she isn't right for me (quite the contrary) and I don't have any hope that things will be resuscitated (even if she did want me back, I'd be a fool to go back to someone who disrespected me so blatantly). Still, I miss her, sometimes very intensely. I wonder if she thinks about me (I know it doesn't matter).

 

There is no magic pill. I just have to continue to be raw and open with my emotions (I am not pushing away my sadness/grief, just letting myself feel and be with the sadness in a mindful way). I wish there was a magic way to quicken this resolution into feeling better, but I know that isn't the case.

 

More than anything, I want to work on myself. I'm already in shape and getting more in shape at the gym. I'm working with a therapist and a career coach. I'm going to be relocating to a new city at the end of the summer (trying to choose best location...appreciate any tips).

 

I seem to be attracted to and to attract beautiful women who have many great traits superficially (beautiful, smart, confident, etc.) but inside are empty or very broken/psychologically damaged. This then tends to turn me into the nurturer/rescuer type. I've experienced this lesson a few times and I want to break the pattern and be with someone who is as beautiful on the inside as she is on the outside. I'm a great guy with so much to offer, but I seem to be bringing chaos/disorder into my life in my relationships instead of stability and coherence.

 

I don't really know anyone in the city where I'm based (I moved here for her). I'm going to try to make friends. I don't have anything to lose so I think I'll go out there and try to date, but with strong boundaries and not looking for anything serious right now (my heart is too raw and fragile).

 

I'm sorry if I'm rambling. My head is foggy with the emotional roller coaster of the past week. I'd appreciate any perspective/advice. I know this will get better. I know it was right of me and healthy to leave as I would be happier with someone who is stable and more emotionally, physically, spiritually, and intellectually mature. I wish I could somehow magically get over missing her so much. But I'm not there yet. I miss her, but I know we're finished. And so... in this sadness and pain, I'm trying to convert the trouble of this sadness/relationship into something that makes my journey in life better. Emotional alchemy will happen...eventually.

 

Sending solidarity and empathy out to all of you currently suffering from the ending of relationships/falling out of love/breakups. Reading through the challenges and suffering of others here comforts me to know that I'm not alone and helps to give me perspective. Blessings to all of you.

Edited June 17, 2014 by life-is-short

[stillfiguringitallou]

Look into co dependency - I think it is important for you to look into this.

 

The fact that you stayed with a woman who said she "loved you sometimes but was scared of it and so stuffed it" says a lot.

 

It also seems like you are going back and forth between viewing yourself as a victim here - however she was completely honest with you about where she was, and you - were not - honest with her or yourself.

 

Did you suggest couples counseling to help her deal with her fears in a more healthy fashion?

 

Suggest any books or workbooks she might try to overcome her hurtful past?

 

Or just expect and believe that "your love would save her?"

 

It seems very much like the latter to me. And oddly it seems very unlikely that you tried to help her - show her you cared about her - and her mental health. She seemed aware of her issues and just unable to cope or find the tools to cope with them.

 

Instead.

 

You actually did quite the opposite. You showed her that SHE - not her ability to cope and relate - but SHE HERSELF - was too messed up to try to be with.

 

While it's true you can only save yourself.

 

When you genuinely love someone - you typically make some attempt to show them the path to a happier life. Some attempt that does not include allowing them to abuse you.

 

My ex and I are long over - he has some issues I won't go into here -

 

But I still cared enough about HIM - and HIS well being - that I ordered and had shipped directly to him - a book on codependency that explains both the polar opposite extremes of it.

 

I find it hard to believe this girl felt loved, and supported in a relationship with someone who a week later can say she isn't beautiful on the inside.

 

Someone who spends one paragraph talking about how awful she was - and another about how much more superior they are. With no accounting for the beauty that is naturally within her that has nothing to do with level of attractiveness or intelligence.

 

That sounds like you're trying to damn hard to seem like you are the normal one. No one has that much self confidence naturally - and if they do - it's not healthy.

 

And FWIW - relationships seldom end because of ONE persons issues.

[life-is-short]

Thanks for your response.

 

I do not mean to suggest that the relationship failures were all her fault and my descriptions of her may not have been clear as many of them were things she said of herself (I should have used quotation marks). Ultimately, it is up to me to choose to stay in a relationship that isn't fulfilling. I was very supportive of her for nine months (she told me over and over she's never had someone who was as good to her as I was and she told me over and over she felt deep love/support from me), but she wasn't interested in being with me (she told me "I love you" probably less than five times the entire time we were together. I care deeply about her and her well-being. That is one of the reasons that I feel sad, disappointed, and frustrated, but I don't feel anger towards her or resentment. I hope therapy will help her, I wish she would have let me stay while she pursued it, but she said she wanted to do it single. I hope she finds the inner happiness that I know she wants and doesn't currently have. I hope she finds a partner in the future that is compatible for her and supportive for her. I'm not sure why you think I'm not supportive, but I'll take accountability for not communicating clearly. There is only so much one can convey in the space of a forum post and if I didn't do so eloquently, I apologize.

 

In terms of your statement that I wasn't honest, we'll have to agree to disagree on that. I was very honest with her about my feelings throughout the relationship and she knew exactly where I stood. Not sure where you had impression that it was otherwise the case.

 

I'm not seeing myself as the victim or her as the perpetrator. We chose to be in a relationship together. We stayed in it for a long time. It didn't work. We both invested differing amounts of energy/commitment/time into it. In the end, we couldn't keep it together. I really wanted it to be a long-term and happy relationship. It didn't turn out that way. In the end, though I wish the outcome was different, I know that we both did the best we could and as much as we were able given who we were in the relationship at that time. There are things I could have done differently, but overall I really don't have any regrets. I was very good to her and supportive and helpful and loving. I can only be accountable for my actions and choices, not hers. I can only change and improve myself for future relationships to become a better person and a better partner. I have lots of lessons to learn from this experience.

 

In terms of your questions:

 

1) Yes, from very early on I suggested couple counseling for both of us and individual counseling for both of us (which I pursued myself). She wasn't interested until the very end and started pursuing individual counseling a week before we broke up. I told her I would be willing to support her and stay with her through counseling, but she told me she just wasn't ready for this type of relationship. Before we broke up, I asked her again about trying to make things work and she reiterated that she wasn't ready for this relationship (if she was willing to continue to try to make things work, I would have stayed). It was clear that she wanted things to end (she actually broke up with me when we were drunk a couple of weeks before our breakup, but she took it back the next day). She told me she wasn't happy in the relationship and wanted to be single. Not sure there is much else I could have done at that point. She has already moved on and she's dating other people. I'm not there yet. I'm very sad and I miss her.

 

2) I did suggest a number of books to her for self-exploration and bought her several over the course of our relationship and also tried to have times were we could work through such relationship books (with exercises) together. She didn't read them. I also asked what I could do to support her in healing and feeling better while we were together.

 

3) I didn't think love by itself would magically solve anything. I did love her and did want the best for her (I still do). I think I invested myself too quickly in the relationship (moving to a new city before I even knew for certain that there was a partner/relationship that made such a move worthwhile) and then stayed in the relationship too long when it was clear that we had major compatibility issues and clear she wasn't interested in trying to make things work. I wish the outcome was different. I wish we were still together. I wish there was something I could do to make it work, but there isn't. I tried. It didn't work. It sucks and it is sad.

 

I'm very far from perfect and didn't say I was. Your reply seems very critical of me and I appreciate your feedback. Regarding co-dependence, that is something I'm exploring with my therapist. I think the issues are more around attachment related issues and how our attachment styles differed greatly (the book Attached describes this in a very helpful manner). I am not saying that I have lots of self-confidence right now. I feel rejected and sad. But I do know that leaving was the right thing because I couldn't hold the relationship together by myself and I wasn't respecting my boundaries and I was letting my self-esteem/self-worth get too low over the repeated criticism.

 

I'm also sad and grieving her loss. I am not sure if I am conveying my communication about the situation coherently or not...things are in a fog right now. She is an amazing woman and I wish she was still with me, but she's not; she told me she didn't want to be in the relationship; I supported her as long and as much as I could; and now it is over so I'm trying to pick up the pieces.

Edited June 17, 2014 by life-is-short

[life-is-short]

Here is a re-write of the post. Not sure if this makes things more clear or not.

 

I seem to be teetering back and forth between Cat Steven's "On the Road to Find Out" (on my better days) and "Trouble" (on my worst days). Breakups create a strange chemical/emotional cocktail of deep sadness, craving the ex, optimism for something better, assured resignation of the reality of the situation, and delusional hopes that my ex misses me so much she'll contact me begging for me back.

 

I broke up with my girlfriend a week ago. She broke up with me a couple of weeks before that when drunk, but then took it back the next day. Over the next couple of weeks, before I broke up, we talked about the relationship a lot and she wasn't happy (we had talked about breaking up/ending the relationship over a period of several months so it wasn't a shocking thing to either of us when I officially did it). I loved her, but she was distancing herself from me. I wanted to continue the relationship (although that might not have been the best thing for me), but she didn't want it. During our breakup discussion, I asked her again if she'd be willing to stay in the relationship while we both went through counseling, but she said "she wasn't ready for the relationship and didn't want to stay in it."

 

Thinking back over the past nine months, there were clues from the beginning that I ignored (willful ignorance) regarding her interest in me and regarding her emotional maturity. She would tell me throughout the relationship she felt, "empty inside" and she had ideations of death becoming her (I recommended she get counseling on many occasions). She said she "didn't feel particularly connected to any friends." When we were out with friends, she was the social queen that everyone gravitated to. She had a charisma that was magnetic. Guys would always be chasing her because she was so confident and seemingly strong (she said that much of it "was an act") and she said that "inside of her was dark and sad." She said she knew "that I cared about her deeply." She said, "I was the best bf to her she's ever had, but also that I was too much (too nice, too helpful, too...)". She said "she felt love for me at times, but that it scared her and she pushed it away."

 

She wasn't a partner in the relationship and I don't think she reciprocated. She said she wasn't "emotionally mature" (she said she "pushed away emotions and tried to make everything logical/thinking-based"). She said she "felt more like a child than an adult." She was physically distant and said she was "spiritually confused." Based upon reading the book, Attached, I think she would fit the classic profile of attachment-avoidant (I am somewhere between stable and attachment-anxious, the latter seemed especially the case the longer we were together). She was very critical of me all the time. I think it was verbally abusive at times. The bottom line is that she was consistent in her behavior, even if I wish it were different, and I should have put up better boundaries and should have left earlier if she couldn't respect me. I didn't help her or me by staying in a relationship in a way where I wasn't clearly establishing boundaries.

 

Ultimately, I have only myself to blame for investing so much of my heart, time, and being into someone who told me she "wasn't ready to accept it and be an equal partner." I could have saved myself a lot more heart ache by ending this early on instead of waiting nine months. I wanted the relationship to work so much, but that might have been more of a fantasy than reality given where she is at in life. So I take accountability for this. She is human and several years younger than me and she's doing the best she can on Earth and we're just at different life stages. I hope she finds happiness with another person, even though I wish it would have been with me.

 

I'm generally a happy, confident, and self-assured man (at least going into the relationship), but the relationship has taken a major toll on my self-confidence and self-worth. Post break-up, I'm trying to rebuild it and gain back the self-worth and boundaries that wilted away during the relationship. I made major mistakes of not setting my boundaries properly with her. I let her disrespect me without any consequences. I fell in love with her potential and with the idea of "us" instead of evaluating clearly the reality that "us" wasn't working. I should have left probably a couple of months into the relationship when it was clear that she wasn't invested and she wasn't interested in working to make things better. But I felt pity/empathy on her as I could tell that she was suffering inside and wanted to help support her to get better. She told me at times that she thought that I loved her more than she loved herself.

 

I'm keeping NC and plan to indefinitely, if not forever from her. I miss her and wish I could see her and my immature ego side of me wishes she missed me and wishes she wanted me in her life. I know through friends she has already moved on and going out on dates with people, including the ex she had before me. This makes me feel rejected and I can feel tinges of jealousy, but it is her right to do whatever because we're no longer together. I've had enough sad and unfortunate things happen in my life to know that life is very short and it isn't helpful to become bitter or resentful or to have regret. So I wish her happiness and success. My ego has taken a bruising and I wish things could have turned out differently, but they didn't.

 

I've been through several serious relationships before so I know that I'll eventually get through this, but I wish there was a shortcut (I know there isn't). I miss her, but after several months of of trying to make it work, it is clear to me deep down that she isn't right for me (and thus, I'm not right for her) and it would be foolhardy of me to hope things will be resuscitated.

 

I know there is no magic pill to feel better. I just have to continue to be raw and open with my emotions (I am not pushing away my sadness/grief, just letting myself feel and be with the sadness in a mindful way).

 

More than anything, I want to work on myself. I'm already in shape and getting more in shape at the gym. I'm working with a therapist and a career coach. I'm going to be relocating to a new city at the end of the summer (trying to choose best location...appreciate any tips).

 

One issue I want to work on and I'm discussing with my therapist is to figure out why I seem to be attracted to and to attract beautiful women who have many great traits superficially (beautiful, smart, confident, etc.) but inside they usually very insecure, psychologically unstable, and most importantly, are not interested in pursuing help so they can get better. This then tends to turn me into the nurturer/rescuer type. I've experienced this lesson a few times and I want to break the pattern. The main issue is that if I am going to be with someone who isn't stable, that they are open to getting help and open to self-growth.

 

I'm sorry if I'm rambling. My head is foggy with the emotional roller coaster of the past week. I'd appreciate any perspective/advice. I know this will get better. I know it was right of me and healthy to leave, but I miss her greatly. It is clear to me that she doesn't want to be with me and that she has moved on. I know I need to move on so I'm on that path, slowly, but surely. And so... in this sadness and pain, I'm trying to convert the trouble of this sadness/relationship into something that makes my journey in life better. Emotional alchemy will happen...eventually.

 

Sending solidarity and empathy out to all of you currently suffering from the ending of relationships/falling out of love/breakups. Reading through the challenges and suffering of others here comforts me to know that I'm not alone and helps to give me perspective. Blessings to all of you.

[stillfiguringitallou]

Okay so you didn't really need to rewrite the entire thing.

 

You said in your initial post that you stuffed down your feelings when she treated you poorly and did not communicate them to her, that you were in love with the idea of the potential of "us" and not with the person inside, and you said you wanted to find someone who was beautiful on the inside already - that is very very disassociative of the idea that even people who are sick - are often very beautiful on the inside. Some of the most famous musicians, artists, dancers and photographers are truly messed up individuals mentally. But they obviously have and see beauty.

 

I do feel you need to look into codependency. I could have (and sorta did) write a story similar to yours when I first came here. My ex kept telling me he needed to do the work himself and that I couldn't fix him - I didn't WANT to fix him - I just acknowledge that no one rebuilds a ship on their own.

 

Antidependency - or the idea that you as an individual person - can fulfill all your needs and wants - is ALSO codependency. Your just ignoring those needs and wants you can't fulfill on your own.

 

People need people.

 

Anyhow - look into co dependency.

 

Did it make me love my ex any less - no - it didn't. And honestly it didn't make me miss him any less.

 

But it did open my eyes to how I make poor choices for myself and don't take care of myself. I always put helping others ahead of my needs and wants, and how that impacts relationships from both sides.

 

So it helped me LET GO of him and start to move on.

 

I don't have to forget him, or vilify him, or even set here and scream about how I don't want him back - to let go and move on. I don't have to hate him, or not miss him, or go hook up with the next guy that makes me feel good about myself to let go.

 

I just had to learn to love me. And that meant loving and accepting the screwed up parts of me too.

 

I wish you the best of luck - it's not easy - at all.

 

But I think about him less now - and me more. And being able to identify the ways he took advantage of the big ball of fluff that I am really helped in being able to let him go.

 

Maybe he'll get the help he needs - and somewhere down the line we will both be happy from the inside and we'll give it another chance to get it right.

 

But even if we don't. I'll get it right with someone - somewhere down the line - who will want to be there when things aren't "happy happy fun times" who won't take it as a personal insult when a MAJORLY traumatic event leaves me unable to break free from saddness without a proper grieving period (4 days is what I got)

 

And you know what.

 

If you worry about getting YOU healthy - you'll realize you're a lot closer to that then you thought you'd be.