NovemberSweetness Posted June 17, 2014 Posted June 17, 2014 I'm a WS. Started my A 8 mos ago. I've been out of love with my H for about 3 yrs and recently told him so. Currently living with a friend and getting close to signing a one yr lease on a place of my own. I'm getting cold feet! My home life was good. My H is a good father, caring and supportive. I cringe at the thought of having sex with him. Its like having sex with my brother (gross!) My OM fulfills me in that area. Am I shallow and selfish for leaving for that reason? We have two kids, ages 7 and 8. Anyone have similar feelings/ experience? I guess I need someone to talk some sense into me. I feel like what I may be experiencing is an exit affair.
oldshirt Posted June 17, 2014 Posted June 17, 2014 So I am safe to assume your issues with him are that you have lost sexual desire and attraction for him and that it is not because he is abusive (him getting upset and raising his voice while you are packing your bags and leaving with two minor children in the home does not count as abuse) or chemically addicted or chronically unemployed or hasn't completely abandoned you and the children?? If this is a sexual attraction issue, have you truly laid it all out on the table in clear upfront verbiage what he would need to do to get your attraction back??? Sexual attraction can easily be lost while raising babies and small children but it can be gotten back with work and effort by both people. As you do have small children in the home, you do have some obligations to address the issues and make a good faith effort to try to salvage the marriage before wrapping your legs over someone else's shoulders. This may be an exit affair. And you may not be thinking at all clearly while your brain is full of horny hormones. It's just like a drug. The bad news is he may not want you back after you've done all of this to him and the family. The chances are good your OM won't want you anymore either once you show up on his doorstep with two small children and a ton of baggage full of dirty laundry. Guys than bang married chicks are in it for extra poon on the side. Not because they want to buy the cow and her calves. 1
Clay Posted June 17, 2014 Posted June 17, 2014 I think its best you just move on. Your already out. There is really no point in going back just to use your H for the things your OM should be offering to you now. If he can only provide good sex well then that relationship wont last long either. Your H deserves a woman that will be in love with him and only him. You already violated that trust. I would just work on making yourself a better person and do things to make yourself feel more secure and not rely on others to do that for you. Clay
Got it Posted June 17, 2014 Posted June 17, 2014 It may be it may not. It is really for you to decide. I had lost all sexual feelings for my ex husband and while we addressed our sexual issues that let to my loss of feelings they never changed. Since we didn't have kids I think the decision was much easier to make. Have you tried therapy to work through this? You don't want to look back and regret whatever decision you choose so my advice is to exhaust all options so you know you did everything you could.
carhill Posted June 17, 2014 Posted June 17, 2014 Welcome to LS Feelings change in life and life challenges can affect our emotional states. Since your feelings regarding your H apparently predated your affair by a few years, this affair with a younger man is what I would term your canary in the coal mine that it's time to go. Questions: Is H disclosed? Do you expect a D to be rancorous or amicable? Have you ever had IC? MC? If yes, what topics and how did it go? If you're unclear on our 'LS-speak', here's a thread which explains some of it: http://www.loveshack.org/forums/off-topic/water-cooler/228723-loveshack-terminology-guide-acronyms-forum-shorthand Good luck!
BetrayedH Posted June 17, 2014 Posted June 17, 2014 I'm a WS. Started my A 8 mos ago. I've been out of love with my H for about 3 yrs and recently told him so. Currently living with a friend and getting close to signing a one yr lease on a place of my own. I'm getting cold feet! My home life was good. My H is a good father, caring and supportive. I cringe at the thought of having sex with him. Its like having sex with my brother (gross!) My OM fulfills me in that area. Am I shallow and selfish for leaving for that reason? We have two kids, ages 7 and 8. Anyone have similar feelings/ experience? I guess I need someone to talk some sense into me. I feel like what I may be experiencing is an exit affair. Do some reading up on limerance. That's the "feel good" and "in love" part of a relationship that lasts most couples 2-3 years. It can last longer with affairs as the relationship is somewhat stunted from moving forward. Making a marriage last has A LOT to do with what you expect from the relationship AFTER limerance fades. Couples that last a lifetime will tell you that there were many times in their marriage where they didn't feel "in love" with their spouse and that they didn't even like them for a time. But they understood that mature love withstands these tests and with reinvestment, good times can and will return again. You may be in an "exit affair." But if you just exit everytime that limerance fades, you may find yourself needing a new relationship every 2-3 years. Maybe that works for you. I would think long and hard about it before tossing a good marriage/spouse away just to buy into another relationship where the same thing can happen all over again. This is why you see even higher divorce rates for subsequent marriages (it's something like 75%). People chase something that will never last. 2
HereNorThere Posted June 17, 2014 Posted June 17, 2014 I'm a WS. Started my A 8 mos ago. I've been out of love with my H for about 3 yrs and recently told him so. Currently living with a friend and getting close to signing a one yr lease on a place of my own. I'm getting cold feet! My home life was good. My H is a good father, caring and supportive. I cringe at the thought of having sex with him. Its like having sex with my brother (gross!) My OM fulfills me in that area. Am I shallow and selfish for leaving for that reason? We have two kids, ages 7 and 8. Anyone have similar feelings/ experience? I guess I need someone to talk some sense into me. I feel like what I may be experiencing is an exit affair. If he's a caring and supportive father, let him go be with someone who loves him. He at least deserves that. 1
Owl Posted June 17, 2014 Posted June 17, 2014 I'd also caution you about the mental process most WS's go through (unknowingly) in which they re-write their own marital history within their own mind to let them cope with the dichotomy of their morals and their actions. My wife was insistent that she'd "not been happy in years" in the weeks after d-day. I spent some serious effort trying to look back over our marriage and see the signs I'd missed. She'd not been happy over that last year...certainly. That really was her doing, although how much she understood that remains questionable. But "years"? Couldn't see it. I asked for specifics...what, specifically, had she been unhappy about that I'd not addressed? When, specifically, did she tell me? Give me examples. She couldn't do it. In your situation...you still feel love for your H, but you don't feel attracted to him. Right now...you feel like you've felt that way for a long time. Have you spent any real effort going back over your relationship with him and looked at SPECIFIC TIMES when you felt that way? Actual events...not generalized feelings that you have now looking back? Just a thought. But...also take into account where things are at now. I'll believe that this is how you feel about him NOW. How does he feel about you, after this has all happened? What does HE want out of all of this? If you're considering going back to him...are you truly willing to WORK to repair your marriage with him? Actually put for an effort into rebuilding communications, trust...and intimacy? If the answer is yes...you have a shot, a chance. If the answer is no...don't waste your time or his. 2
A.Moscote Posted June 17, 2014 Posted June 17, 2014 Generally, yes, I think it is an acceptable reason to leave the marriage. It's kind of a loss to be in a marriage where the partners knowingly choose not to commit to improve the related aspect. So if that is what you have definitely decided, then start to work on it properly and politely. Don't be scared to be honest about it. That would be an unselfish thing to do. Honestly I find it a bit weird why you worry if leaving is selfish or shallow considering that it is a much better option than both deceiving someone for months, and enduring sexual dissatisfaction for years.
cozycottagelg Posted June 17, 2014 Posted June 17, 2014 I am in the same boat. But no affair. I wish I had the guts to actually move out and sign a lease. Worry and care for the kids and take care of yourself. Nobody wants to spend a lifetime cringing when their husband touches them. You both deserve better.
Author NovemberSweetness Posted June 17, 2014 Author Posted June 17, 2014 Thank you all for all your responses. Just to be clear, I have not disclosed the A to my husband and don't plan to. Yes, we have been to MC to address the lack of love and attraction on my end. I really had no desire to work on things and not sure why. Something is broken inside of me. I don't plan on pursuing a real R with the OM. The reasons are complicated and I won't go into it at this point in time. My fear is that if I don't go through with this now and go back home to work on my marriage, what happens down the road if I start to have these feelings again? Am I destined to cheat all over again? Should I move out and experience what life would be like having my kids half the time? H says he'll wait for me to figure things out- although I'm not sure how long.
Clay Posted June 17, 2014 Posted June 17, 2014 There will never be any real chance of having a relationship with your H if you don't tell him. I would recommend you just move on and work on you. Be decent to your H and just tell him your not interested in the marriage anymore. Do the decent thing and be reasonable in the divorce. I would recommend you get into see a counselor for yourself. Try to figure out what is so wrong with you to make you make these horrible decisions. Start living your life in a healthy way learn from your mistakes. Clay
Owl Posted June 17, 2014 Posted June 17, 2014 Thank you all for all your responses. Just to be clear, I have not disclosed the A to my husband and don't plan to. Yes, we have been to MC to address the lack of love and attraction on my end. I really had no desire to work on things and not sure why. Something is broken inside of me. I don't plan on pursuing a real R with the OM. The reasons are complicated and I won't go into it at this point in time. My fear is that if I don't go through with this now and go back home to work on my marriage, what happens down the road if I start to have these feelings again? Am I destined to cheat all over again? Should I move out and experience what life would be like having my kids half the time? H says he'll wait for me to figure things out- although I'm not sure how long. I'm going to be honest, and please realize I'm not attacking you. I'm simply telling you MY OPINION on marriage and reconciliation post-infidelity, based on my experience and long time posting here and on other recovery forums. Yes...you're doomed to do it again. And the reason I say that is because you've done nothing to change the situation. Without disclosing the truth to your husband, marriage counseling is a waste of time, money, and effort. You're not addressing the issues created by your infidelity...and that means it's very, very likely to happen again. I understand that you don't intend to tell your H...and that's your choice. Based on that information, my own personal recommendation is to end MC, and proceed with divorce instead. Marriage without honesty is pointless. There's no basis for building forward. I don't think that your current plan will work. I do wish you the best of luck. I hope it all works out the best it can for you, your family, and your H.
cozycottagelg Posted June 17, 2014 Posted June 17, 2014 I could write pages and pages of advice, all I've given and received about the spot I'm in...but I'm still stuck here married. Yes, I said stuck. Telling my husband how unhappy I am hasn't helped, he just tries harder. Which makes me feel guiltier. I completely get where you are coming from, other than having someone else on the side. Life is hard. Good luck.
gettingstronger Posted June 17, 2014 Posted June 17, 2014 Yes, leave him- its not lack of love thats the issue, its lack of respect- you have someone else on the side, you don't want to have sex with your husband or even live with him- cut him lose to find someone that will appreciate and respect him as well as love him- 3
carhill Posted June 17, 2014 Posted June 17, 2014 Thank you all for all your responses. Just to be clear, I have not disclosed the A to my husband and don't plan to. I respect that choice and you are free to change your mind at any time. Yes, we have been to MC to address the lack of love and attraction on my end. I really had no desire to work on things and not sure why. Something is broken inside of me. Since you're apparently separated, I suggest considering IC to both work on whatever you feel is 'broken' inside you, as well as to provide you with tools to relate to your estranged husband in a healthier manner, ostensibly to divorce amicably but also in general, again should you change your mind. I don't plan on pursuing a real R with the OM. The reasons are complicated and I won't go into it at this point in time. Is contact with OM ongoing during your separation? If OM is married and has children himself, weigh the ramifications of such contact carefully. If choosing IC, this is an excellent area IMO to task the IC to work with you. My fear is that if I don't go through with this now and go back home to work on my marriage, what happens down the road if I start to have these feelings again? You'll have choices, just like you do now. We all feel. We all have choices in how we process those feelings. There is no preordained path. Am I destined to cheat all over again? Considering all the factors you've presented, absent meaningful progress in IC/MC, my opinion generally aligns with Owl's that the propensity for infidelity will loom large in the future Should I move out and experience what life would be like having my kids half the time? H says he'll wait for me to figure things out- although I'm not sure how long. It sounds like you already are experiencing the co-parenting aspect, to an extent, since you're living with a friend. The good news is that families deal with this every day, co-parenting goes on, relationships change and life goes on. I got a taste of it as a child, meeting adult half-sisters I had never known. They had to deal with their mom leaving my dad and taking them, splitting up the family while he was away at war. Life went on. I've seen it with friends ever since a young man. Life went on. You'll get through it. IMO, as general advice, take some alone time (away from OM) to prioritize this very important life decision. Weigh all the factors, get help, whether that be psychological or legal or both, and come to a decision and implement that decision. Your husband has indicated he's supportive of your time to make such a decision. OK, let's go.
Author NovemberSweetness Posted June 17, 2014 Author Posted June 17, 2014 Cozycottage- I just read your story and can't help but notice so many similarities between us (minus the infidelity). I find comfort in knowjudgment u not alone, not crazy for wanstrongo leave a good man. Carhill- the OM is divorced and has a young child. I have been in IC and it is a slow process. I have not revealed th A to him I think due to the shame. How horrible that I can't even admit that to the counselor because I'm in a state of denial over it! I intend to at our next meeting. I will take your advice of taking some time away from OM while I figure this out. It will be hard but I know its the right thing to do so as not to cloud my judgment. I need to be strong.
carhill Posted June 17, 2014 Posted June 17, 2014 Carhill- the OM is divorced and has a young child. I have been in IC and it is a slow process. I have not revealed th A to him I think due to the shame. How horrible that I can't even admit that to the counselor because I'm in a state of denial over it! I intend to at our next meeting. I will take your advice of taking some time away from OM while I figure this out. It will be hard but I know its the right thing to do so as not to cloud my judgment. I need to be strong. Though my exW was always disclosed and we worked my A in MC, I would always maintain that full transparency is a necessary part of effective counseling. Trust me, they've heard *everything*. They're professionals. Yes, counseling is 'slow'. In a way, that's a good thing. Change, at the elemental level, for most of us, comes slowly. Whether it be working what you feel is 'broken' within you, or learning tools to process the here and now in a more efficient and balanced manner, it all takes time. We were in weekly MC, with a couple short breaks, for over a year, and that was ended by the decision to get divorced. Had we chosen to reconcile, I could have envisioned the in-session work to continue further to learn those tools. Worth it? Even though we got divorced, what the MC saved us on lawyer costs (by divorcing amicably) paid for MC at least five times over and probably closer to ten, not to mention the peace it has provided both of us. For you, with young children in the mix, the stakes are much higher. Take your time. No rush. One day at a time. 2
oldshirt Posted June 17, 2014 Posted June 17, 2014 Thank you all for all your responses. Just to be clear, I have not disclosed the A to my husband and don't plan to. I'm not saying that is either right or wrong but I would be interested in hearing why you don't intend to tell him. He's going to find out eventually anyway. Yes, we have been to MC to address the lack of love and attraction on my end. I really had no desire to work on things and not sure why. then there's really no point to any more discussions about remaining with your H. I don't plan on pursuing a real R with the OM. that tells me you are not leaving your H "for OM." You are just leaving H because you are done with the M. My fear is that if I don't go through with this now and go back home to work on my marriage, what happens down the road if I start to have these feelings again? i think it is a misnomer that you may have these feelings "again." Sounds like you've always had them for the last 3 years and they've never gone away. Am I destined to cheat all over again? all you have to do to not cheat is keep your pants on. The real question is would you be miserable with the longing to be with someone/ anyone other than your husband. I believe that answer would be a resounding yes at this point. H says he'll wait for me to figure things out- although I'm not sure how long. IMHO you are doing a terrible injustice to your H and possibly even your children by giving them false hope and letting them put their lives on hold waiting for you to muster up the balls to do what sounds pretty inevitable at this time. Your husband will be waiting for something that is already determined and he will have false hope of saving that which is already dead. My responses to some specific points are above. I think this marriage sounds dead at this point and anything you do that is not being upfront about your intentions and filing for divorce is only giving your family false hope and making them sit on the shelf waiting for you to get the balls to do the inevitable. I believe this constitutes cruelty. "It's easier to give birth than to resurrect the dead." -Athol Kay This means the time and energy and money you and your H would spent trying to save this M would be wasted. Whereas time and energy and money spent divorcing would likely result in both of you moving forward towards happier, healthier lives down the road in a more timely basis than if you were to try to make the marriage work. 1
Fearful Posted June 17, 2014 Posted June 17, 2014 OP, I think u are not being fair to your husband. You are cheating on him giving a fake excuse of falen out of love. Please, disclose the fact of your cheating to your husband so that he will have the option of remaining in or out of this sham marriage. But I doubt if you will ever disclose, because you care only about yourself, your image not about your husband or children. If the truth must be told, you cheated on your husband not because you fell out of love, rather, you felt out of love because you cheated or had been planning on cheating.
Striver Posted June 18, 2014 Posted June 18, 2014 I asked for specifics...what, specifically, had she been unhappy about that I'd not addressed? When, specifically, did she tell me? Give me examples. She couldn't do it. You're lucky. My W has many, many reasons, all of them lame. Like not making enough eye contact with other people, or that time when I was there helping with the kids and wasn't doing it exactly the way she wanted. Death by endless critique and a thousand mental paper cuts.
dichotomy Posted June 18, 2014 Posted June 18, 2014 Good luck with OM or others. Really I mean I hope you find what your looking for. Be kind to your husband, let him find a woman who thinks he is a good man and father like you do....but also wants to F him senseless several times a week. and take some responsibility for your affair - be kind and generous in the divorce terms and custody arrangements...sounds like you owe it to this good man and father.
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