runaway Posted June 17, 2014 Posted June 17, 2014 Met a girl through Tinder about a month ago. I'm a 26 year-old grad student, she is a 24-year old grad student at a school 5-6 miles away. She showed a lot of interest at first by texting and flirting often. We cuddled at my place after the first date, and I was able to get her to take her shirt off. She came to my place a few days later, and I was able to get her naked, but she didn't really let me do anything. Several days later, we hung out again and ended up at her place. This time, we "blew" each other, but she refused to go any further. At that time, I found her very attractive (she still is physically) and really enjoyed spending time with her. She was really fun to be around not just because I got to do sexual things with her. She seemed like a girl I could really talk to. Couldn't wait to see how things would turn out. Then, she started becoming flaky and cold. She would start canceling our date plans and give me all these different excuses. These are literally the things she said at various points. "I feel a bit overwhelmed and think things are moving really fast," "I am so burned out from school and training for half marathon and would prefer to be alone tonight." When she told me she felt overwhelmed, I decided to find out what was going on. It was her ex contacting her out of the blue and "making her feel confused." For me, that was strike #1 because I felt I probably wasn't her primary guy of interest anymore. She continued to say she was "too busy and tired" to spend time together. Fed up with her "I'm too busy" BS, I once said, "Hey, if you don't wanna see me again, you can just let me know, it's all good." Then, she would be like, "I really do wanna see you, but I am just so overwhelmed with things." After a few unsuccessful attempts to plan things with her, I called it quits. I have not seen her in the last three weeks. I told myself, "Why the f should I try so hard to spend time with her when I have other girls that really want to hang out with me and make themselves available?" I deleted her from my social networking sites/apps because I didn't want to be tempted to check out her profile or whatnot. A few days later, she texted me, "Did you really delete me?" We spoke over the phone, and I told her exactly how I felt about the whole thing. I told her, "To me it appears that you are no longer really interested in spending time with me. I'm always met with your resistance. We are not exactly dating right now, we aren't really friends." Then she goes, "I don't play mind games, but that's what you do. What you did is so high school. Hot one day and cold the next day. If I really didn't wanna see you, I would tell you. I've literally been too busy with my school work blah blah blah blah." She said she wasn't sure if she wanted to see me again because of this. Well, I don't really care anymore because I have two dates this week with girls that actually seem more interested in seeing me right now. I felt very under appreciated by this girl and didn't want to deal with that. Did I pull a total jerk move on this girl?
fred123 Posted June 17, 2014 Posted June 17, 2014 bro this sounds like exactly the girl i knew 2 yrs ago!! and u know wat happened. she ****ed ne over!. ur not a jerk. ur the mature objective guy doing the right thing. she is being passive aggressive. run!!! and u know wat. i did the same thing as you. i told her u seem too busy for me and deleted her off fb. she said the same reply that if i didnt like u i wud tell you. next thing you know shes getting off with another guy. are u sure its not the same girl as mine?
Author runaway Posted June 17, 2014 Author Posted June 17, 2014 A female perspective would be nice too
serial muse Posted June 17, 2014 Posted June 17, 2014 I'm a woman. I think she sounds like a flake. You did the right thing, IMO. Maybe she is really super-busy with her schoolwork - I've been a grad student, I know what it can be like, and I know how overwhelming it can be. But if she wanted to see you, she could offer up a plan to get together for when she's free. It's really that simple. Since she didn't do that, I think you're right to cut your losses at this point.
Zahara Posted June 17, 2014 Posted June 17, 2014 You did the right thing. She's sounds like a self-absorbed flake. Wishy washy and then when you delete her and explain why you did it, she turns it around and tries to make you feel bad about it. And you did right by deleting her if it was going to affect you. And I hate the word "busy". When someone is into you, trust me, they'll make the time to see you. Go on those dates!
deathandtaxes Posted June 17, 2014 Posted June 17, 2014 Then she goes, "I don't play mind games, but that's what you do. What you did is so high school. Hot one day and cold the next day. If I really didn't wanna see you, I would tell you. I've literally been too busy with my school work blah blah blah blah." She said she wasn't sure if she wanted to see me again because of this. She had the nerve to accuse you of such? Wow. You called her on her **** and she got defensive and accuses you of acting how she's been acting. Wow. You're fine. Kudos for speaking your mind and telling her how you feel. She does need to learn that her actions have consequences. If she's going to blow cold, she shouldn't be surprised that you're going to delete her, etc.
ktya Posted June 17, 2014 Posted June 17, 2014 You burned a bridge that didn't need to be burned but you didn't do anything wrong. Deleting her off your social media like FB etc. is a bit childish, she probably saw it more as you sending her a message than what you intended which was just to not tempt yourself. The fact that she noticed you deleted her means she was actually creeping your profile which means she did have some interest. Its no big loss. Like you say you have a few other dates already and in uni dates are super easy to land because the girls are everywhere and marriage is rare. What I would have done instead is just kept her on the back burner and lined up the other dates anyway. Although making you wait until the fourth date for sex is kind of lame, especially since you had her shirt off on the first date. Sounds a bit frigid about the actual act. Going down on eachother then stopping at that is kind of weird. I mean if she went down on you on the couch and got you off then ended it there thats cool but if you are going down on her she's obviously got her pants off may as well go all the way.
jcrew11 Posted June 18, 2014 Posted June 18, 2014 Her ex-bf is probably her first choice, and you are her #2 backup plan. She's upset you de-friended her because now she no longer has her "backup guy" - she wants to keep you on the hook just to make herself feel better whenever her #1 guy dumps her. Its no loss, if she wanted to be with you, she would have told you so. It seems like she has other guys in her life and you are not a priority. However, you didn't have to delete her and just use her as a FWB casual hookup in the future. She wasn't expecting monogamy from you, so you can still date other girls.
preraph Posted June 18, 2014 Posted June 18, 2014 I'm just going to say "It is what it is." And what it is - you barely know the girl but you two are already not getting along. Early dating, that's when you both are supposedly on your BEST behavior. So my opinion, it can only go downhill from there. It's true what you say that she's not particularly focused on you too. Sounds like she has unfinished business. Plus I think you probably want different things right now. I'd say move on.
jbelle6 Posted June 18, 2014 Posted June 18, 2014 No offense OP, I do think she's a flake, but I was really turned off by you telling us what you were able to "get her to do". Just sort of skeeved me out. 2
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