oldshirt Posted June 19, 2014 Posted June 19, 2014 I guess giving him the green light to have sex with others seemed like the simple solution. Simple solutions are rarely the right answers. Long term affective solutions are usually a lot of hard work and dedication. I don't mean to sound like I am picking on you because your husband obviously has some accountability here too. My point in all of this has not been to bash you personally but rather to use your experience as an example of why opening the marriage to outside sex is not a long-term, viable strategy for a dysfunctional and unsatisfying sexlife. I hope you two are able to find some middle ground and find a way for you both to enjoy each other.
violet1 Posted June 19, 2014 Posted June 19, 2014 Simple solutions are rarely the right answers. Long term affective solutions are usually a lot of hard work and dedication. I don't mean to sound like I am picking on you because your husband obviously has some accountability here too. My point in all of this has not been to bash you personally but rather to use your experience as an example of why opening the marriage to outside sex is not a long-term, viable strategy for a dysfunctional and unsatisfying sexlife. I hope you two are able to find some middle ground and find a way for you both to enjoy each other. No worries, I didn't feel like you were bashing me. I think it's good to put all perspectives out there. I've read a lot of different stories and articles about sexless marriages or one partner wanting more sex than the other. I just don't always think the one who doesn't want sex is necessarily being or selfish. Opening up the marriage just to give the other partner what they need is becoming more common. You are right the simple solution is not the answer. My H and I have a lot of work to do. We've been through a lot the past year or so. We're recovering from my A which was more of an EA than a PA. No way he would have reconciled if the A was extremely physical. However, I know that factors in with the sex issues as well. I'm not perfect in any way, but I'm trying to find a good solution for our sex issues. What I don't get though, is if a couple already has a great sex life why would they want to open up the marriage? I don't understand it. Makes more sense to me to open up the relationship if there's sexual issues that way the SO who's lacking physically can get what he/she needs.
oldshirt Posted June 20, 2014 Posted June 20, 2014 We're recovering from my A which was more of an EA than a PA. Huh?? Wait, you've spent several posts talking about how you don't like sex and it does nothing for you and now you say you've had an affair?????? Now I can't help wondering if the real reason you've offered your husband a hall pass is to even the score to either relieve some of your guilt or you think it will make him forget about it. Oh well, I guess that's a whole other topic. What I don't get though, is if a couple already has a great sex life why would they want to open up the marriage? I don't understand it. Makes more sense to me to open up the relationship if there's sexual issues that way the SO who's lacking physically can get what he/she needs. Consensual nonmonogamy is like an amplifier, it takes what is there and makes it more intense. if a couple has a good relationship, good communication, mutual respect and compassion and a healthy sexlife, swinging/open marriage/poly will amplify that and augment it. Conversely, if people are having problems, poor communication, lacking respect and compassion and an unsatisfactory sexlife, it will amplify that and blow it up. One good analogy I heard was that swinging et al was like wind on a fire. If the fire is well seated and burning strongly, swinging will make it burn hotter and more intense. If the flame is weak and flickering, swinging will blow it out. I think that is a very accurate description. I can see why someone would question that and on the surface it may seem like a valid option but it's really a poor substitute. People have a need to have a passionate and intimate sexual connection with their special someone. romance/sexuality is what makes out special someone 'special.' a playmate on the side just isn't the same and it's a poor substitute if your sexlife at home is lacking. It's like trying to put a Bandaid on a gaping wound that's festering. It just doesn't really count and it doesn't feed the hunger. ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
violet1 Posted June 20, 2014 Posted June 20, 2014 ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^ Yep, that's why I didn't mention the A at first. I didn't want it to take the thread off topic. People who know my story will think I'm contradicting myself though and that's why I mentioned it. My A was NOT based on sex, it was more of an EA/fantasy. I rarely met up with him. In fact, I cancelled many meet ups with him because I didn't want sex. When we met up it was weird fantasy sex. It was only enjoyable in that aspect. No climaxing because I felt guilt. That is the only reason my H chose to reconcile. He wouldn't have if I had been banging the ex MM on a regular basis. My H was offered a hall pass long before the A and it still applies afterwards. We discussed it a few weeks ago. My H and I had a great talk tonight. We talked about divorce, sex, emotional needs, the whole nine yards. It became very emotionally and led to bonding between the two of us. I'm taking our counselor's advice and really listening to my H. This thread helped me to push the discussion. Thanks OP for creating it. My H is adamant that he does not want an open marriage. Like I said, I thought it was a simple solution. It obviously was not a good idea. Thanks OldShirt for your advice. 2
Author still_an_Angel Posted June 20, 2014 Author Posted June 20, 2014 I made some comments to specific points up above but I do want to reiterate something I said towards the beginning of this thread. Open marriage may work and be fun and enjoyable for some couples who already have a solid relationship and a satisfying sexlife. For those people it is just a little extra fun and recreation on the side. Open marriage however is NOT a remedy for a dysfunctional relationship and it is not a valid substitute for an unsatisfying sexlife. A secondary relationship is not going to fix whatever is wrong in the primary relationship. Sex with the secondary partner is not a replacement for a non-existent sexlife with the primary. The primary couple have agreed that problems exist and may have already exhausted all avenues to bring back life to an otherwise dead lovelife. In some relationships, the ungiving spouse is aware that there is a third wheel but does not want to let go (reasons vary from finances, lifestyle, children, family, backlash from society, religion, etc) so would choose to look the other way. Having a relationship with an AP meets the needs of the WS, this may not be described as polyamory in so many levels of how and what polyamory is but this relationship runs along together with the primary relationship. Sorry Oldshirt, so many thoughts run through my head, I'm trying to sort it all out but dealing with emotions is never easy. I thank you for sharing your thoughts and opinions for I learn so much from you.
Author still_an_Angel Posted June 20, 2014 Author Posted June 20, 2014 Yep, that's why I didn't mention the A at first. I didn't want it to take the thread off topic. People who know my story will think I'm contradicting myself though and that's why I mentioned it. My A was NOT based on sex, it was more of an EA/fantasy. I rarely met up with him. In fact, I cancelled many meet ups with him because I didn't want sex. When we met up it was weird fantasy sex. It was only enjoyable in that aspect. No climaxing because I felt guilt. That is the only reason my H chose to reconcile. He wouldn't have if I had been banging the ex MM on a regular basis. My H was offered a hall pass long before the A and it still applies afterwards. We discussed it a few weeks ago. My H and I had a great talk tonight. We talked about divorce, sex, emotional needs, the whole nine yards. It became very emotionally and led to bonding between the two of us. I'm taking our counselor's advice and really listening to my H. This thread helped me to push the discussion. Thanks OP for creating it. My H is adamant that he does not want an open marriage. Like I said, I thought it was a simple solution. It obviously was not a good idea. Thanks OldShirt for your advice. Hugs to you Violet1! I'm glad you guys have discussed your issues and have bonded. Awesome! Believe me, I prayed someone like you with the ideal situation that I have been pondering for some time now would come along and post on this thread. I read your posts and replies and together with Oldshirt's posts, it has helped me tremendously. Thank you so much. 1
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