still_an_Angel Posted June 17, 2014 Posted June 17, 2014 There are so many threads running about sexless or nearly sexless marriages and people looking for solutions to this problem. Each couple is unique as well as the reasons for being in a sexless M (health, LD, stress, coping with kids, etc) There are also a lot of suggestions on how to resolve the issue. This being the situation, I would like to hear people's take on polyamory. If the issue has been discussed and brought up over time and nothing has come up that is beneficial to both parties, and the unhappy spouse still loves his spouse, and does not want to leave the M (be it due to finances, kids, property, etc) maybe opening the relationship to someone else can help the situation? As long as the primary relationship is the main priority, a secondary relationship might possibly resolve the "sexual" side of things that the primary spouse is unable to fulfil. I understand it will be tricky for the spouse who has a secondary relationship as he/she needs to find a partner who is also happy to be in the secondary R. But if we really think about it, there are a lot of people who are already in this type of relationships anyway, like those engaged in EA or PA with some couples still married to their own spouses and navigating their A at the same time. It will seem twisted to a lot of people, the idea of polyamory itself crosses over a whole range of issues such as morality, values, culture, etc. If the spouse who is unable to fulfil the other party's needs, and polyamory is on the table, there is no need to engage in illicit affairs, all parties are aware of everyone engaged in the situation. If you are aware of your spouse's needs that you cannot fulfil, and your SO asks to have a secondary partner, would you agree? Under what terms?
Candy_Pants Posted June 17, 2014 Posted June 17, 2014 Polyamory is not the same as having an open relationship, or marriage. Polyamory involves having multiple romantic (love) partners. Sometimes that is "allowed" in open relationships, but they aren't one and the same. Now. I have had open relationships. One included polyamory. The other did not. Opening my marriage to polyamory seems like a very bad idea. I'd rather get a divorce. Opening my marriage to other sexual partners seems much more reasonable. 2
oldshirt Posted June 17, 2014 Posted June 17, 2014 I'm not sure you have a clear understanding of what Poly actually is vs open marriage vs swinging vs simply just "looking the other way." What you are describing kinda sounds like just tolerating it and looking the other way. One common thread that poly/open marriage/swinging et al need to function in a healthy manner over a long term is that the primary relationship is fundamentally satisfying and happy and healthy to begin with. Consensual nonmonogamy can work if it is augmenting a fundamentally sound and satisfactory relationship and is not being used as a substitute for an unsatisfying one. Nonmonogamy will do one of two things to an unsatisfying relationship, it will either blow it up almost instantly or it will prolong the misery longer than it should. 2
central Posted June 17, 2014 Posted June 17, 2014 My first marriage was essentially sexless, and that was a large part of the reason I ended it. If we had tried and open marriage or poly relationship, perhaps we'd have stayed together, but more likely having someone else with whom to have a sexual relationship (and perhaps a romantic one in the poly case) would have emphasized even sooner how dysfunctional my marriage was. I'd have ended it sooner - and that would have been a very good and positive thing for us both, actually. IF that marriage had been stronger aside from sex, then it might have worked to open it up. This relationship (eventually also marriage) was open from the start, and early on we were also in a poly relationship (we both had another partner). This was NOT because anything was lacking in our relationship - it was (and still is) as good as a relationship can be, including twice daily fantastic sex. It had more to do with being able to and wanting to love other people and the sexual variety that also allowed. Fourteen years later and it is still open, but we are not in a poly situation now. We would seriously consider it if we found the right person(s). It's open but we don't always take advantage of that - currently neither of us have other partners, but for example, I had a FWB that lasted two years until this time last year, who was a friend to us both.
oldshirt Posted June 17, 2014 Posted June 17, 2014 ......maybe this is a better way for me to word what I am trying to say - Poly/open marriage/swinging etc are all strategies for adding some consensual variety and novelty into an otherwise sexually satisfying and healthy relationship. They are not valid strategies for dealing with dissatisfaction or dysfunction. 5
Mr. Lucky Posted June 17, 2014 Posted June 17, 2014 They are not valid strategies for dealing with dissatisfaction or dysfunction. Bingo. The lack of communication, poor coping strategies and resentments behind most sexless marriages would doom from the start the type of relationships the OP proposes... Mr. Lucky 1
Michelle ma Belle Posted June 17, 2014 Posted June 17, 2014 (edited) ......maybe this is a better way for me to word what I am trying to say - Poly/open marriage/swinging etc are all strategies for adding some consensual variety and novelty into an otherwise sexually satisfying and healthy relationship. They are not valid strategies for dealing with dissatisfaction or dysfunction. Double BINGO! Having been in a sexless marriage myself which was against MY will, I can't imagine that it would have been "saved" by simply opening it up to any of the options as outlined above. I agree that any kind of addition of a multiple partner arrangement only works if you're already in a healthy and happy relationship. Edited June 17, 2014 by Michelle ma Belle
jbelle6 Posted June 18, 2014 Posted June 18, 2014 There are so many threads running about sexless or nearly sexless marriages and people looking for solutions to this problem. Each couple is unique as well as the reasons for being in a sexless M (health, LD, stress, coping with kids, etc) There are also a lot of suggestions on how to resolve the issue. This being the situation, I would like to hear people's take on polyamory. If the issue has been discussed and brought up over time and nothing has come up that is beneficial to both parties, and the unhappy spouse still loves his spouse, and does not want to leave the M (be it due to finances, kids, property, etc) maybe opening the relationship to someone else can help the situation? As long as the primary relationship is the main priority, a secondary relationship might possibly resolve the "sexual" side of things that the primary spouse is unable to fulfil. I understand it will be tricky for the spouse who has a secondary relationship as he/she needs to find a partner who is also happy to be in the secondary R. But if we really think about it, there are a lot of people who are already in this type of relationships anyway, like those engaged in EA or PA with some couples still married to their own spouses and navigating their A at the same time. It will seem twisted to a lot of people, the idea of polyamory itself crosses over a whole range of issues such as morality, values, culture, etc. If the spouse who is unable to fulfil the other party's needs, and polyamory is on the table, there is no need to engage in illicit affairs, all parties are aware of everyone engaged in the situation. If you are aware of your spouse's needs that you cannot fulfil, and your SO asks to have a secondary partner, would you agree? Under what terms? Poly and open marriage are very different.
kart180 Posted June 18, 2014 Posted June 18, 2014 Sexless marriage, Really, people should have sex, its human nature but I would go with poly first, No sex means dead marriage to me. We all need a connection of intimacy
dichotomy Posted June 18, 2014 Posted June 18, 2014 I often wonder in a truly sexless marriage (nada from spouse for years) not based on medical or health reasons what objection the sex denying spouse could have to a purely open marriage (sex only, FWB or something, not poly, no threat to marriage). 1
Author still_an_Angel Posted June 18, 2014 Author Posted June 18, 2014 ......maybe this is a better way for me to word what I am trying to say - Poly/open marriage/swinging etc are all strategies for adding some consensual variety and novelty into an otherwise sexually satisfying and healthy relationship. They are not valid strategies for dealing with dissatisfaction or dysfunction. Thanks so much.
Author still_an_Angel Posted June 18, 2014 Author Posted June 18, 2014 I often wonder in a truly sexless marriage (nada from spouse for years) not based on medical or health reasons what objection the sex denying spouse could have to a purely open marriage (sex only, FWB or something, not poly, no threat to marriage). I think this is what I'm looking for. Hopefully other posters can help. Thank you.
Turtles Posted June 18, 2014 Posted June 18, 2014 I often wonder in a truly sexless marriage (nada from spouse for years) not based on medical or health reasons what objection the sex denying spouse could have to a purely open marriage (sex only, FWB or something, not poly, no threat to marriage). I am pretty sure they are afraid of upsetting the balance, as they are happy with the status quo. It seems like it would be very quick for a sexual relationship to escalate into an intimate one and from that to romantic attachment, if the partner is not getting his/her intimacy needs met at home. The question becomes, how do you make your sexual needs a vested interest for them to solve (which one would think they would be already since they presumably love you and want you to be happy / fulfilled / satisfied, but apparently it is easy for some to dismiss that)
central Posted June 18, 2014 Posted June 18, 2014 I often wonder in a truly sexless marriage (nada from spouse for years) not based on medical or health reasons what objection the sex denying spouse could have to a purely open marriage (sex only, FWB or something, not poly, no threat to marriage). Selfishness. Fear that they will lose the comfortable life they have if their spouse decides that they can do better. Vindictiveness, if they are withholding sex to punish real or perceived past problems. Also, I don't see sexlessness due to medical/health issues as a good reason to deny an open/poly relationship for their spouse to obtain sexual gratification even if they can't provide it.
oldshirt Posted June 18, 2014 Posted June 18, 2014 I often wonder in a truly sexless marriage (nada from spouse for years) not based on medical or health reasons what objection the sex denying spouse could have to a purely open marriage (sex only, FWB or something, not poly, no threat to marriage). Their objection is they have no attraction or desire for their spouse but they want the comfort, stability, resources, social status and child raising support that their spouse provides. On the surface it would seem to make sense that they would be ok with farming out the sexual chores to someone else. But they realise the reality is that their spouse would probably drop them in a New York Minute if one of their play mates had a sincere desire for them and made them an offer. They would lose their comfort and resources and lifestyle to someone that actually has sexual feelings for their spouse and they know it. They would rather deny their spouse a sex life and in so doing also deny themselves a sex life to keep the house and the cars and an inhome babysitter even though they themselves don't want a sexlife with the spouse. Sex-deniers are actually very very selfish and cruel people. They just don't get the recognition for that that they deserve. 2
compulsivedancer Posted June 19, 2014 Posted June 19, 2014 I entered my A thinking I could do sex only, no feelings (FWB). I'm no longer sure that's possible for a long-term sexual relationship. After six months, feelings were definitely involved. Of course, the A dynamic leads to a lot more than just meeting for sex, then going your own way. In theory, I have no issue with an open relationship. I just think it's easy to fool yourself and find yourself in an unexpected scenario, in large part due to the chemicals that help you form an attachment in a sexual relationship. I'd probably limit partners to a handful of meet-ups. No "boyfriends" or "girlfriends," unless both people in the couple are truly interested in adding a third person in the relationship. 1
violet1 Posted June 19, 2014 Posted June 19, 2014 Their objection is they have no attraction or desire for their spouse but they want the comfort, stability, resources, social status and child raising support that their spouse provides. On the surface it would seem to make sense that they would be ok with farming out the sexual chores to someone else. But they realise the reality is that their spouse would probably drop them in a New York Minute if one of their play mates had a sincere desire for them and made them an offer. They would lose their comfort and resources and lifestyle to someone that actually has sexual feelings for their spouse and they know it. They would rather deny their spouse a sex life and in so doing also deny themselves a sex life to keep the house and the cars and an inhome babysitter even though they themselves don't want a sexlife with the spouse. Sex-deniers are actually very very selfish and cruel people. They just don't get the recognition for that that they deserve. There are some people who don't enjoy sex. So...should these people have duty sex with their SO even if they hate it? Should they allow their SO have sex with others even if they're uncomfortable with it? Sex is fun and all, but I don't get the obsession with it. I've never really had a high sex drive. I'd personally rather cuddle or kiss than have sex. I have given my H the green light to have sex with other women if he wants to. He says he doesn't want to. My sex drive has gone way down. I just don't want it and don't know why. Lately, the thought of it with anyone makes me sick. I'm thinking there's some kind of mental block going on in my head. I don't think I'm cruel, selfish or horrible by any means though.
Turtles Posted June 19, 2014 Posted June 19, 2014 There are some people who don't enjoy sex. So...should these people have duty sex with their SO even if they hate it? Should they allow their SO have sex with others even if they're uncomfortable with it? Sex is fun and all, but I don't get the obsession with it. I've never really had a high sex drive. I'd personally rather cuddle or kiss than have sex. I have given my H the green light to have sex with other women if he wants to. He says he doesn't want to. My sex drive has gone way down. I just don't want it and don't know why. Lately, the thought of it with anyone makes me sick. I'm thinking there's some kind of mental block going on in my head. I don't think I'm cruel, selfish or horrible by any means though. "Duty sex" sounds terrible but can you not take pleasure in the fact that you are making your SO happy? Does your SO sometimes does something for your happiness that he doesn't particularly enjoy doing? Does he do it dragging his feet or having to be begged for it? This is why it seems selfish. If you are not deriving some immediate pleasure out of it, then it is not worth doing. About the polyamory thing / the fact that your H does not want to have sex with other women. For many people sex is not just about fun, it's about intimacy and love. Why would he want to have sex with other women? He loves you, not them! I think it is worth thinking about. Assuming you love your husband, isn't that just one of the easiest way to do something nice for him that does not cost you anything but a little bit of time? What is the mindset behind saying "No, this is too much effort for me to just devote 15 minutes a week to make my partner happy"? Is it because it feels degrading? Is it because you would feel dishonest? Does it hurt? Do you not feel he is worth it because he doesn't devote any time to you? When you say you "hate" sex - that's a pretty strong word for an activity that is naturally designed to be pleasurable! I hope you can answer because I am really puzzled.
violet1 Posted June 19, 2014 Posted June 19, 2014 "Duty sex" sounds terrible but can you not take pleasure in the fact that you are making your SO happy? Does your SO sometimes does something for your happiness that he doesn't particularly enjoy doing? Does he do it dragging his feet or having to be begged for it? This is why it seems selfish. If you are not deriving some immediate pleasure out of it, then it is not worth doing. About the polyamory thing / the fact that your H does not want to have sex with other women. For many people sex is not just about fun, it's about intimacy and love. Why would he want to have sex with other women? He loves you, not them! I think it is worth thinking about. Assuming you love your husband, isn't that just one of the easiest way to do something nice for him that does not cost you anything but a little bit of time? What is the mindset behind saying "No, this is too much effort for me to just devote 15 minutes a week to make my partner happy"? Is it because it feels degrading? Is it because you would feel dishonest? Does it hurt? Do you not feel he is worth it because he doesn't devote any time to you? When you say you "hate" sex - that's a pretty strong word for an activity that is naturally designed to be pleasurable! I hope you can answer because I am really puzzled. There are a lot of factors to it. For one, I was raised in a religion that believes you should wait until marriage and that the main purpose for sex is procreation. I've never been able to pull that thought out of my head. I lost my virginity before marriage and I felt guilty about it. I used to think that my H and I weren't sexually compatible, but I think that was more of my own justification. I've never been able to climax which doesn't make it too enjoyable. It doesn't matter who I've been with. I've maybe climaxed a total of 20 times if that in my life from sex. Sometimes it is very painful. I have also talked to other women who feel the same way. It's not an enjoyable thing for everyone. It sounds horrible, I'm not asexual because I do get horny, but I would prefer masturbation over sex because it's less messy and I can at least climax. It is pretty embarrassing because I can't relate to the sex obsessed society we live in. That is why I've told my H that he's welcome to find sex somewhere else. I don't want my H to feel miserable, but I don't know how to force myself to enjoy something that in general is not that enjoyable for me. I don't think it's as uncommon as people think. People who don't enjoy it aren't necessarily using that for control or to hurt their partner.
oldshirt Posted June 19, 2014 Posted June 19, 2014 There are some people who don't enjoy sex. I understand that. If two people that don't enjoy sex are matched up and they enjoy each other's company doing other things, then that is a good match for them. The problem comes in when someone who doesn't like/want sex is matched up with someone who does. So...should these people have duty sex with their SO even if they hate it? No. that just makes it worse actually. Should they allow their SO have sex with others even if they're uncomfortable with it? Trick question. people shouldn't do what they're uncomfortable with. However neither should they deny someone the opportunity to do what they need for a happy, healthy life. Sex is fun and all, but I don't get the obsession with it. People that don't like/want it, call other people's interest in it an "obsession." I've never really had a high sex drive. I'd personally rather cuddle or kiss than have sex. I have given my H the green light to have sex with other women if he wants to. were you truly sincere in your offer to allow him to be with others and you would still love him and respect him and still treat him warmly if he took you up on that offer? or was it a "test" to see if he was really committed to you and he would somehow pay the price if he actually did use his hall pass? He says he doesn't want to. perhaps he doesn't want to pay the price. My sex drive has gone way down. I just don't want it and don't know why. Lately, the thought of it with anyone makes me sick. I'm thinking there's some kind of mental block going on in my head. have you looked into that at all? have you consulted a Dr to see if there may be some kind of medical issue such as a hormonal imbalance or some kind of medication that is knocking out your libido etc etc? Have you seen any kind of therapist to address this 'mental block?' Have you and your husband consulted any kind of marriage therapist to see if there is something your husband is doing/not doing or some kind of dynamics in your relationship that is killing your attraction/desire for him? I don't think I'm cruel, selfish or horrible by any means though. That kind of depends on your husband and what kind of desire and needs and interests he has and how you are treating him. If he also has a very low desire and low interest in intimacy then he may be perfectly happy and satisfied and have no issues at all. But if he is a normal, healthy, virile man and he is being denied but you are still expecting him to provide you the things husbands are supposed to provide and making him live an involuntary celibate life because that just ain't your thang, then yes it is selfish. And in my personal opinion if someone knows their spouse wants to have a healthy robust sexlife and they are intentionally denying them that but are making them provide resources, support, comfort, security, social status and they are expecting them to remain exclusive to them, I do consider that cruelty. In my humble opinion, if someone knowingly and intentionally does not wish to provide what the other wants and needs to have a reasonably happy, healthy and fulfilled life, then they should either let that person go with a fair and equitable uncontested divorce, or allow them to pursue their desires without protest or repercussions. (I realized you offered to let your husband seek sex elsewhere. I'm just not sure about the "repercussions" aspect of that) response above.
Got it Posted June 19, 2014 Posted June 19, 2014 I think this article speaks well to this topic: Here's What Every Man Should Know Before Having Sex With A Woman I don't think people understand female sexuality very well.
Turtles Posted June 19, 2014 Posted June 19, 2014 There are a lot of factors to it. For one, I was raised in a religion that believes you should wait until marriage and that the main purpose for sex is procreation. I've never been able to pull that thought out of my head. I lost my virginity before marriage and I felt guilty about it. I used to think that my H and I weren't sexually compatible, but I think that was more of my own justification. I've never been able to climax which doesn't make it too enjoyable. It doesn't matter who I've been with. I've maybe climaxed a total of 20 times if that in my life from sex. Sometimes it is very painful. I have also talked to other women who feel the same way. It's not an enjoyable thing for everyone. It sounds horrible, I'm not asexual because I do get horny, but I would prefer masturbation over sex because it's less messy and I can at least climax. It is pretty embarrassing because I can't relate to the sex obsessed society we live in. That is why I've told my H that he's welcome to find sex somewhere else. I don't want my H to feel miserable, but I don't know how to force myself to enjoy something that in general is not that enjoyable for me. I don't think it's as uncommon as people think. People who don't enjoy it aren't necessarily using that for control or to hurt their partner. Thanks for answering, Violet, I think it's sad to hear you talk about sex like it is a dirty, shameful thing, because it can be beautiful, a communion of body & spirit. If your H is like me, then sex without connection is just "blah", honestly it's just not worth the hassle, AND it would not do anything to address any intimacy need he has, so I understand his answer (TBH I would be incredibly insulted if my SO told me to "go take care of my needs with someone else", but hopefully your H was more understanding of your POV) I think you are right that it is not uncommon, there are 2 extremes in our society between puritans and depraved, if only we could find the happy medium.
oldshirt Posted June 19, 2014 Posted June 19, 2014 I used to think that my H and I weren't sexually compatible, but I think that was more of my own justification. There probably is some truth to the compatibility issue. a professional therapist may be able to help him light your fire and pleasure you better in a manner that works for you. I've never been able to climax which doesn't make it too enjoyable. It doesn't matter who I've been with. I've maybe climaxed a total of 20 times if that in my life from sex. that means it 'CAN' be done. you both may need some help in finding the right combinations and right conditions and methods to make it more consistent and enjoyable. Sometimes it is very painful. Sex should never be painful. Either you aren't properly aroused and lubricated or there is some form of pathology such as an infection (PID, Vaginitis, UTI etc etc etc) or something taking place. Painful sex should always be assessed by a doctor. I have also talked to other women who feel the same way. That's because many women are more comfortable talking to each other about it rather than their doctor. that doesn't make it OK. It's not an enjoyable thing for everyone. It sounds horrible, I'm not asexual because I do get horny, but I would prefer masturbation over sex because it's less messy and I can at least climax. And if you have some kind of treatable medical condition that can address the pain and if you have some kind of couples therapy that can assist your husband in arousing and pleasuring you more effectively, things may improve significantly. It is pretty embarrassing because I can't relate to the sex obsessed society we live in. As I said in my previous post, when people don't like something, they label those who do. That is why I've told my H that he's welcome to find sex somewhere else. I don't want my H to feel miserable, but I don't know how to force myself to enjoy something that in general is not that enjoyable for me. OK, I want to address this a little further since it is the topic of the original thread and I probably came off sounding kinda confrontational in my last post. I'm going to assume here that you are being sincere in allowing your husband to seek sex elsewhere and that it is not some kind of "test" where there will be repercussions and bloodshed if he actually does it. For starters, please realize that the only thing keeping your husband from being with other women is NOT you holding him to an exclusivity agreement. Most men are not players, most men are not womanizers, most men are not skirt chasers or people who pick up drunk women in bars or hit on their secretary at work. If he was one of those men, he would have been cheating on you a long long time ago. Most men do not walk down the street and have women drop their drawers in front of them. Most normal, average work-a-day men really have to put out some effort to attract a woman sexually. When you have a wife at home and kids to haul to the ballgame and bills to pay and work to get done, schmoozing women other than your wife just really doesn't sound all that entertaining most of the time. When your husband says he "doesn't want to." that is probably what he is talking about. Then as I stated earlier in the thread, women generally have almost zero interest in a man who's wife has given them permission to play on the side. In fact if you want to guarantee that no woman would want to try to steal your husband, just make it public knowledge that he has a hall-pass and he will basically become a pariah to other women. If a man's own wife doesn't want him, that pretty much guarentees that no other woman will either. But this is the main point I want to make here - I know you were probably meaning to be generous and compassionate when you make that offer. However you need to understand that is often just a slap in the face to the spouse being offered the hall-pass. In general, we cling on to that which we value. If you valued his sexuality and his penis, you would cling on to it and claim it as your own and not let anyone else near it. By offering to let him go outside the marriage, you are essentially saying that you don't want to be bothered by it and so go ***** in someone else's yard. That has to be a huge blow to his confidence and ego to have his wife say that she hates his sexuality so much that he should go get it taken care of elsewhere :-( That is surely taking a huge toll on his self-confidence and how he relates to you romantically and sexually and that will also affect his performance and how he treats you which in turn is just creating more of a viscious cycle spiraling downward in your bedroom. And since men's hearts are so closely connected to their sexualities, when you say that you are ok with him getting his sexual needs met elsewhere, deep in heart what he is hearing is that you don't love and cherish him and that it is ok if he finds that love elsewhere and that you will be OK with it. People who don't enjoy it aren't necessarily using that for control or to hurt their partner Maybe not intentionally, but the pain of wanting someone that doesn't desire you is extremely painful if it is unintended. I made some comments to specific points up above but I do want to reiterate something I said towards the beginning of this thread. Open marriage may work and be fun and enjoyable for some couples who already have a solid relationship and a satisfying sexlife. For those people it is just a little extra fun and recreation on the side. Open marriage however is NOT a remedy for a dysfunctional relationship and it is not a valid substitute for an unsatisfying sexlife. Playmates are like chocolate chip cookies. If someone has a well balanced diet of good nutricious food, an occasional cookie is nice, tasty treat. But if someone is starving and chronically malnourished, a diet of nothing but cookies is not the answer.
oldshirt Posted June 19, 2014 Posted June 19, 2014 If your H is like me, then sex without connection is just "blah", honestly it's just not worth the hassle, AND it would not do anything to address any intimacy need he has, so I understand his answer (TBH I would be incredibly insulted if my SO told me to "go take care of my needs with someone else", but hopefully your H was more understanding of your POV) . While I was struggling to find the right words and rambled on incessantly, Turtles here said it very concisely and accurately. your husband has a need for intimacy and connection at a foundational level and hooking up with some chicky on the side just doesn't provide that. If he were the type of guy that picks up chicks for poontang, he never would have married a church girl in the first place. The 'insult' that Turtles is referring to is being treated by the woman you've dedicated yourself to making a home and family and life with as if you are the kind of guy that just goes out and pick up chicks for a piece of ass and having that be good enough.
violet1 Posted June 19, 2014 Posted June 19, 2014 Thanks for answering, Violet, I think it's sad to hear you talk about sex like it is a dirty, shameful thing, because it can be beautiful, a communion of body & spirit. If your H is like me, then sex without connection is just "blah", honestly it's just not worth the hassle, AND it would not do anything to address any intimacy need he has, so I understand his answer (TBH I would be incredibly insulted if my SO told me to "go take care of my needs with someone else", but hopefully your H was more understanding of your POV) I think you are right that it is not uncommon, there are 2 extremes in our society between puritans and depraved, if only we could find the happy medium. My marriage is not sexless, but it's not as frequent as my H would like. He does get upset and doesn't want to cuddle or be close because he says that should lead to sex. By me not meeting his sexual needs in return he doesn't want to meet my emotional needs. It's definitely a big problem in my M right now. I thought offering him a "hall pass" would make him feel relieved or happy, but it didn't. I left that religion about a year before I met my H. The teachings were literally burned into my brain though. I know of many women of that religion who struggle with sex as well. One of my friends suggested I have a drink or two to relax so I can give my H duty sex twice a week. She says it works for her. I literally didn't even know what an orgasm was until it was discussed in a social psychology class my Freshman year in college. Sex has never felt natural to me. When my H and I have sex, I do it to make him happy not because I enjoy it. When I ask him if he's happy, he always says yes, but actions speak louder than words. It's painful at times because my H is a bigger size. I have to be extremely worked up for it not to hurt. If we use lube, he slips out and it's painful to him. We just can't win. Sometimes I just want him to hurry up and be done so I can clean up afterwards, but I have never told him to hurry or asked if he's done. I try to be sensitive towards him and feelings. We have been to MC and our counselor said that true intimacy is not achieved through sex. He said my H and I need to really listen to each other. I suggested sex books and trying a sex therapist, but my H isn't comfortable with that. I don't know what else to do. I guess giving him the green light to have sex with others seemed like the simple solution.
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