longjourney Posted June 17, 2014 Posted June 17, 2014 What a ****tard idjit scumbag. We were talking and I sarcastically said WH must have felt good that he had fooled me for so long because I trusted him and he said no, he didn't feel good about that. I said something about how it never bothered him enough to stop, and then I threw one of the things he's told me a number of times back up in his face, which was "but the sex was really good and she is so attractive!" He said "How do you expect me to answer that? Any way I answer would be wrong for you." I had hoped his seeing the devastation his DDays caused me (and believe me, that devastation continues), and IC and MC and reading books would have made a difference in his perception of the slunt dumpster and his time/years with her, but I guess she is still a happy memory. I guess I had to be a blonder, taller, pretty, slender boobalicious California surfer-girl type who was willing to do all her magical stripping, lap dancing, "oh watch me use my toys before you put it to me, you studly thing" and all the other hot sexy things she would do. Color me pissed, angry, jealous, hurt, and wondering if he will EVER get it. We even talked about this very thing in MC a while ago and the and the MC gave him some appropriate responses he could use instead of "the sex was really good and she was so attractive." I am married to a simpleton. I can hardly wait for the post nup to be done and ready for signatures. Then I can decide if there is a future worth my time, or if I'm willing to be alone for the rest of my life. I re-read my first few posts here, from last year. Gosh, was I stupid and naive...then came the trickle truth DDay #2. I was such a fool to believe he had come clean at that point. We never had HB, and I never did the "pick me, pick me!" dance. On DDay#1, I asked if he wanted to stay married and work on things because if he didn't, he needed to leave NOW. If I knew the real truth at that time, he would have been hefty-bagged out the door immediately. I think I was in shock on DDay#2 and was incapable of doing anything more than breathing. 4
Oberfeldwebel Posted June 17, 2014 Posted June 17, 2014 We never had HB, and I never did the "pick me, pick me!" dance. On DDay#1, I asked if he wanted to stay married and work on things because if he didn't, he needed to leave NOW. If I knew the real truth at that time, he would have been hefty-bagged out the door immediately. I think I was in shock on DDay#2 and was incapable of doing anything more than breathing. ....and now? 2
road Posted June 17, 2014 Posted June 17, 2014 So you want the truth. Well the OW looked hot and so was the sex. You can hit the gym, grow out the hair, work on the sex, then be ahead of the OW. Or keep on just sitting there. 1
fellini Posted June 17, 2014 Posted June 17, 2014 So you want the truth. Well the OW looked hot and so was the sex. You can hit the gym, grow out the hair, work on the sex, then be ahead of the OW. Or keep on just sitting there. If you allow the OW to define you, you have already lost the battle. 19
purplesorrow Posted June 17, 2014 Posted June 17, 2014 Or you can be you and find an adult male who appreciates that. Any changes you make should be for you. Not to compete with some female who has to sneak around with another's husband. 16
Michelle ma Belle Posted June 17, 2014 Posted June 17, 2014 I'm sorry but what are you waiting for? I was going to read some of your previous posts before responding but you started a LOT of threads and a great many of them have to do with cheating and infidelity. Maybe the secret is revealed in other posts which I haven't had time to read but why the hell are you allowing yourself to be treated this way? This seems pretty simple to me. 7
Lernaean_Hydra Posted June 17, 2014 Posted June 17, 2014 Oh my stars. If my cheating scumbag SO had the gall to speak highly of his OWs or refer to them in the terms your husband uses, he would've been....we'll I'd be in federal prison right now and the world would be short a person or two. OP, why or WHY are you sticking around for this? Simpleton or not (and trust me, my SO isn't the shiniest tool in the shed) he should know better. However the fact that his glowing reviews of OWs looks and performance haven't diminished is a tell-tale sign that he is NOT in any way remorseful. The fact that he isn't sick to his stomach over his affair and/or flat out nauseated (or at least pretending to be!) by the mere mention of his OW should be enough for you to walk. This man is not sorry nor does he seem to understand the weight of his actions. Leave immediately. 8
BetrayedH Posted June 17, 2014 Posted June 17, 2014 I'm going to take a slightly different angle here. And I freely admit that I may be too much playing the part of devil's advocate. I think his honesty may be a good sign. APs are somewhat addicted to the external validation provided by an affair. Getting hot sex from an attractive woman is very validating and very ego-stroking. If he's telling that it's why he didn't stop the affair, it's probably about as straight-forward an answer as you'll get from the man, while it is admittedly painful for you to hear. Frankly, I'd be more concerned if he was lying. My wife told me what she thought I wanted to hear (more lies "to protect me"). Your husband, at least in this case, is giving you a painful truth. What I think is important is whether or not he is remorseful for being such a broken person to have tossed everything away for such a fleeting ego-stroke and more importantly, if he has the tools to avoid a repeat performance. Please forgive my inability to remember enough of the details of your scenario to put my comments into a greater context. What is he doing right? And what red flags persist? 12
dichotomy Posted June 17, 2014 Posted June 17, 2014 Per other threads there is so much discussion about honesty and sharing details after dDay. Well I suppose this is a pretty in your face honest response that many a WS hides from saying. But there are ways of expressing this with less douche bag like candor. What do you do when the truth is put like this ? I sorry this is so hurtful. 1
goodyblue Posted June 17, 2014 Posted June 17, 2014 Oh my stars. If my cheating scumbag SO had the gall to speak highly of his OWs or refer to them in the terms your husband uses, he would've been....we'll I'd be in federal prison right now and the world would be short a person or two. OP, why or WHY are you sticking around for this? Simpleton or not (and trust me, my SO isn't the shiniest tool in the shed) he should know better. However the fact that his glowing reviews of OWs looks and performance haven't diminished is a tell-tale sign that he is NOT in any way remorseful. The fact that he isn't sick to his stomach over his affair and/or flat out nauseated (or at least pretending to be!) by the mere mention of his OW should be enough for you to walk. This man is not sorry nor does he seem to understand the weight of his actions. Leave immediately. Not only this but the way he is treating you, the things he says make it sound like, given the opportunity, he would do it again. I am sorry he is treating you so shabbily. It is just mean. 2
cozycottagelg Posted June 17, 2014 Posted June 17, 2014 Not only this but the way he is treating you, the things he says make it sound like, given the opportunity, he would do it again. I am sorry he is treating you so shabbily. It is just mean. He would absolutely do it again. I hate this guy!! I think he is the husband I read about that I hate the most!!! 5
beatcuff Posted June 17, 2014 Posted June 17, 2014 ... Well I suppose this is a pretty in your face honest response that many a WS hides from saying. But there are ways of expressing this with less douche bag like candor... which is it? BS constantly complain of 'rug sweeping', 'sugar coating', etc. So a WS gives a truthful response and now you want it 'framed in an appropriate format'? tough to hear --- absolutely, unfiltered --- yes. i would rather have an unfiltered response and LET ME interpret rather than WS (which could lead to a different interpretation by me). 2
gettingstronger Posted June 17, 2014 Posted June 17, 2014 I get the honesty thing, I really do- I think what is bothersome is that he still looks back on the A fondly- for me, its not the honesty but how he feels about the A even after the benefit of time and hindsight that would upset me- The hurt and deceit- the utter lack of character and integrity on my husbands part does not allow him to see anything good at all about his A-he is being truthful-he does not see one good thing, there is no fond memories-
BetrayedH Posted June 17, 2014 Posted June 17, 2014 Ugh. I went back and did some reading. Didn't take long to refresh my memory. The problem here is that there's almost nothing "hindsight" about it. Longjourney needs a plan to get OUT. 5
alwayshere Posted June 17, 2014 Posted June 17, 2014 There are ways for a WS to explain what they were feeling at the time without sticking a knife into the BS and twisting it. And no, trying get "as pretty as" the OW is not the answer. Besides, pretty is as pretty does (as my mom used to say), so this OW was ugly inside. I am so sorry that you are having to endure this. 2
oldshirt Posted June 17, 2014 Posted June 17, 2014 Ugh. I went back and did some reading. Didn't take long to refresh my memory. The problem here is that there's almost nothing "hindsight" about it. Longjourney needs a plan to get OUT. Yeah I didn't even need to read any backstory to see that. Seeing the bitterness and resentment in this post is all I needed. People have rightfully commented on Mr Longjourny' s immaturity and boarishness, but Longjourny herself needs to grow up and take accountability of her own wellbeing and end this train wreck and move on with her life as well. This guy is simply an immature and selfish cad and its part of his core being and not something that can be counseled away or changed through therapy or negotiations. Her bitterness and resentment, while understandable, is still toxic and still harmful to her. The time and energy is takes for her to bitch about it is all wasted. If that time and energy were spent moving on and leaving him in the dust, would be time and energy well invested. 3
HereNorThere Posted June 17, 2014 Posted June 17, 2014 Either your H has psychological issues with deciphering what is and is not socially acceptable to say to someone you love, or he's malicious. Either way, the motivation isn't as important as the simple fact that he said it. You can be truthful and still have tact. 4
fellini Posted June 17, 2014 Posted June 17, 2014 His honesty is your release. He has honestly told you he derives his happiness in others, not in himself. He feels good seeing himself in her arms because it validates or affirms what he is unable to feel for himself. She is his crutch. You are his crutch. Your H needs to learn to love himself before he can love you. Of that there is no debate. He doesn't love his AP anymore or less than you. This is not about love. This is about how he sees himself looking at how he imagines others would see him if they could. 2
Spark1111 Posted June 17, 2014 Posted June 17, 2014 Your H is an immature idiot....that's for sure. Who wouldn't want to have hot sex with a gorgeous human? generally though, the majority of us mortals realize the risks outweigh the rewards, like losing a marriage, good partner, family. Why do so many cheaters sound like adolescents? Didn't they date enough in high school? Sheesh.... 3
violet1 Posted June 17, 2014 Posted June 17, 2014 Is he even full NC with the MOW? The last I read on your threads he ran into her at the grocery store. If he's still talking to her at all than you are wasting your time. You don't need to be a tall, blonde gal with big boobs to be beautiful. I wish you would stop comparing yourself to her. Your posts make me so sad. 3
BetrayedH Posted June 17, 2014 Posted June 17, 2014 Either your H has psychological issues with deciphering what is and is not socially acceptable to say to someone you love, or he's malicious. Either way, the motivation isn't as important as the simple fact that he said it. You can be truthful and still have tact. I guess we'll have to agree to disagree. I didn't want my wife to sugarcoat anything. I wanted to know reality so that I could make an informed decision. If she loved the guy, knowing that would have saved me a lot of time. On a side note, I could swear I've seen that cat before - maybe somewhere in the midwest. 3
Owl Posted June 17, 2014 Posted June 17, 2014 Wow, you and I are on a roll today, BH. In this case, I have to respectfully disagree with you. There's a difference between being honest, and being deliberately hurtful. There are many ways to say the same thing. The WAY that this guy phrases this is...to me...quite telling. He clearly doesn't give a damn about hurting the OP. He could have phrased this in any number of ways that would have been equally as honest, but far less disparaging, disrespectful, and flat out hurtful. He could have said..."I was caught up in what we were doing, and the excitment of 'being with' her.". Instead...his response makes it clear that the OW is STILL on a pedestal...and his betrayed wife clearly is NOT. Personally...it doesn't matter if he does this out of ignorance, or self-centeredness. She needs to drop this jerk like a bad habit. 4
violet1 Posted June 17, 2014 Posted June 17, 2014 I guess we'll have to agree to disagree. I didn't want my wife to sugarcoat anything. I wanted to know reality so that I could make an informed decision. If she loved the guy, knowing that would have saved me a lot of time. On a side note, I could swear I've seen that cat before - maybe somewhere in the midwest. I agree! My H wanted to know the painful truth. I don't get it, does a BS want the WS to lie and say the sex was horrible when in fact they really enjoyed it at the time? If a WS has met up for sex numerous times with the AP, there has to be some kind of enjoyment, right? These are serious questions and thoughts. What exactly does a BS want? Do most people want the truth sugar coated? From reading this forum I sometimes wonder. My H wasn't happy, but he said he was glad I told him the truth. I hope he meant that and that the FULL truth didn't make him feel worse, but who am I kidding? 1
BetrayedH Posted June 17, 2014 Posted June 17, 2014 I guess we'll have to agree to disagree. My phrase of the day, apparently. I think where we almost all agree is that LJ needs an exit strategy. This affair would be current (and still might be current) if it weren't for those pesky spouses being in the way. I recognize that LJ has logistical challenges (deteriorating health problems) but it's time to tap into family support to find a way to move forward with life. Her H is the wrong person to be her caregiver.
HereNorThere Posted June 17, 2014 Posted June 17, 2014 I guess we'll have to agree to disagree. I didn't want my wife to sugarcoat anything. I wanted to know reality so that I could make an informed decision. If she loved the guy, knowing that would have saved me a lot of time. On a side note, I could swear I've seen that cat before - maybe somewhere in the midwest. I get what you're saying, but I think there are better ways to say it. If someone said to me, why aren't you attracted to me?; I think it's better to say "I just didn't feel a physical connection" or something along those lines, instead of UR FAT AND UGLY. Lol at Happy Cat. Yup, I noticed midwest has him as well. He's got to be the second my famous cat on the Internets!
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