sirwilliams Posted June 17, 2014 Posted June 17, 2014 Hi, At risk of my wife reading this, I am going to explain this entire situation, because I really need some advice here. I met my wife (then girlfriend) when I was 17. We had dated for two years, thought we were in love (though we were doing drugs at the time) and I felt cornered into marrying her when I turned 19 due to her student visa running out. I loved her enough to not want her to leave the country. We were always good friends I felt, still are, but I have zero attraction towards her. We've been together for about 8 years now, and I am unhappy. I think we both kind of are. We have a really polite relationship, but it's kind of distant and we don't have too much in common in terms of interests. We don't really do anything on the weekends, either. I am 25 years old and I feel like I am caged in this lifestyle (we even bought a house a year ago). I never wanted to get married, I was never ready for it and I want a divorce. She's a great friend, but I don't know if that should be the reason to stay married (that, and she would be sad if I left). What should I do?
Author sirwilliams Posted June 18, 2014 Author Posted June 18, 2014 I didn't include all the details. I had untreated ADD when I married her, and always felt more of a friendship connection with her than anything else. Friendship wise, it would be great, but I don't think anything can ever be done that will make me more attracted to her, I never was, really. I was just a 17 year old who was desperate for a deep relationship....with anyone (it could have been a volley ball from Cast Away).
MidwestUSA Posted June 18, 2014 Posted June 18, 2014 I didn't include all the details. I had untreated ADD when I married her, and always felt more of a friendship connection with her than anything else. Friendship wise, it would be great, but I don't think anything can ever be done that will make me more attracted to her, I never was, really. I was just a 17 year old who was desperate for a deep relationship....with anyone (it could have been a volley ball from Cast Away). LOL at Wilson! How old is your wife? Do you have any children? Are you attempting to say you married her 'under the influence' of ADD? (Not gonna fly with me, FTR)
Author sirwilliams Posted June 18, 2014 Author Posted June 18, 2014 No kids, she is 4.5 years older than me, and that's the thing- I don't want kids w/ her to later decide on a divorce. I now take ADD meds to hold a job
eye of the storm Posted June 19, 2014 Posted June 19, 2014 Try talking to her. How does she feel about you? It's not just you. So many people get in relationships and just refuse to have open honest conversations with the person they claim to love or decided to marry. She is your wife, she is your friend. Talk to her. Be honest. She may be feeling the same thing but is worried about you because of your ADD. Try counseling. Divorce should be the last resort. But even if you do decide to divorce, you need to be able to talk to her.
DarkKnight1 Posted June 19, 2014 Posted June 19, 2014 YOU are not HAPPY , YOU felt pressured Into The Marriage. My Point Is That Your Young And You Dont Want To Regret Not Making The Decision Earlier Later On In Life, Plus You Have No Kids With Her So There Is Nothing Holding You Back Except Your Self.
2sunny Posted June 19, 2014 Posted June 19, 2014 I didn't include all the details. I had untreated ADD when I married her, and always felt more of a friendship connection with her than anything else. Friendship wise, it would be great, but I don't think anything can ever be done that will make me more attracted to her, I never was, really. I was just a 17 year old who was desperate for a deep relationship....with anyone (it could have been a volley ball from Cast Away). Are you now focusing attention on another woman besides your wife?
Mr. Lucky Posted June 19, 2014 Posted June 19, 2014 (we even bought a house a year ago). Feeling like you do, why enter into the further commitment of home ownership ? Is you wife going to be surprised by this revelation? Mr. Lucky
emotionalMess Posted June 20, 2014 Posted June 20, 2014 I did the same as you. We married primarily because we could not afford her to retain status as an international student. To me, this is not a solid reason and or foundation to which a marriage should be built. Unfortunately for me we are not even good friends like you are. In fact we cant even have a conversation without conflict so the choice is easy for me. I can't advise at this point but I do advise to read some of these stories like I will of other's experiences and the answer will come for you. It will be your answer.
oldshirt Posted June 20, 2014 Posted June 20, 2014 Any chance she married you just so she could stay in the country? You say she'll be adding Tony divorce - well yeah duh, divorce will always carry some degree of sadness for everyone but will she actually be harmed in any way? You have no kids so there's no-one else that will be impacted if you D. Chances are good she feels much the same way and will consent to an amicable and uncontested divorce provided she doesn't get booted out of the country and provided the assets are distributed fairly.
Author sirwilliams Posted June 21, 2014 Author Posted June 21, 2014 She loves me, I am a "catch" for her in many ways. I am a top 30 MBA graduate, good looking, polite, and loyal. The ADD is no longer an issue since I am on medication. Someone asked why we decided to buy a house. It's partly because we moved from Silicon Valley to Sacramento where home mortgages are the same price as what we paid to rent a small one-bedroom.
ThorntonMelon Posted June 21, 2014 Posted June 21, 2014 I have to disagree heavily with the "Divorce is the easy way out" crowd here. It is NOT an easy way out. It is painful and heartbreaking and sometimes to get away from people who are toxic to you, it has to be done. That said I know for those who married cowards, divorce is a cowardly action. But that is one size fits all advice and in my opinion is inappropriate here. So sir, are you a coward? Are you willing to sit down with your wife, tell her how you feel, tell her you respect your commitment and vows but if things don't get better for you, that you will consider divorce? Be straightforward, be the guy everyone respect, shoot straight. You don't have kids. You'll figure the house out. You'll also find (in many cases) you're not the catch to her that you think you are. But that is also one size fits all advice. Perhaps you really are. That said, Shoot straight with her, be honest, and DON'T knock her up!!!! 1
Oberfeldwebel Posted June 21, 2014 Posted June 21, 2014 I didn't include all the details. I had untreated ADD when I married her, and always felt more of a friendship connection with her than anything else. Friendship wise, it would be great, but I don't think anything can ever be done that will make me more attracted to her, I never was, really. I was just a 17 year old who was desperate for a deep relationship....with anyone (it could have been a volley ball from Cast Away). Even at 17 years old with ADD, you still no right from wrong. IF it is true that you never loved this woman and married her anyway then that is not only wrong but mean. It is definitely not an act of a friend. There is a chance that this is a case of rewriting marital history to justify what you are doing or going to do. Either way you owe this woman the truth. If you do not love her, then you have tell her. If you are not sure what you want to do, then I recommend that you be honest and schedule counseling to see if you can work through your issues. If you are just biding your time until you leave, then plan your exit, inform your wife and make your exit quit. Don't hang around as you will only hurt her more in the long run, she doesn't deserve that crap.
Author sirwilliams Posted June 21, 2014 Author Posted June 21, 2014 Thanks for all the responses. It was more of an emotional love from the get-go, and still is an emotional love, at a friendship level. It was never about attraction, I was never really attracted to her and since I had untreated ADD it was easy for me (more or less) to overlook that fact. I've been seeing a psychologist once a week for the past 4 months for intrapersonal growth. These sessions have helped me understand a few things about myself. The first is that I can't be in a relationship out of fear of loneliness and the second is that this woman isn't fulfilling what I need in life. As much as I would love to shoot straight with her, having a BA in Psychology and all that, I don't want to tell her I am unattracted to her until I am 100% sure I will get a divorce. That would just hurt her feelings and make everything very difficult as long as we continued to live with each other. I am even thinking that I would leave her the house if we did do a divorce, to reduce the level of stress and shock to her. We've been together for 8 years and we've been good friends. I wouldn't want to screw her too bad.
Odelle Posted June 22, 2014 Posted June 22, 2014 You were so YOUNG. Nobody explained to either of you how you would grow and change....and more importantly, how to grow and change together! Back then, you "loved her enough not to want her to leave the country!" That's love as it was back then. But today?.. you have "zero attraction towards her"... In my opinion anyway...When the gloss goes off the initial infatuation stage, only THEN do we get to evaluate whether or not we truly 'love' this person.. In YOUR case, practicality came first so you never got to really evaluate? Perhaps? I can only guess, as an outsider. Couple that with all of the changes both of you go throught after several years together - and you've got a major decision to grapple with!! 8 years - the initial shine has gone off - NOW you have to look at the qualities of your partner. Are they qualites you admire and respect? Are their qualities ones you could invest all the love and attention you have within you into? (Without looking outwards at 'what else is out there for me?') If so, I believe you have a shot at making a fantastic relationship. Good relationships are conscious ones, where both parties evaluate and decide to stop right here and COMMIT... all their loving to this one person. (If either of you is on the fence, that takes the magic out of it for both of you.) In my humble opinion - it's time for an honest conversation between you two. "Hey.. I know our beginnings were fragile, but where do we both stand now?? I'm willing to make this magic, if you are? HOW do we BOTH bring our attention into the magic that this might be?? IF you partner isn't into that conversation.... then it's deffo time to call it quits. Magic happens because BOTH people are willing to give it their all. (Infatuation lasts 18 months/ 2 years tops.... after that, it's always a decision to give what you've got to this relationship. Magic is not in the air. It doesn't just 'happen'. Magic is within us. (Apart from initial attraction). Our loved ones either keep delighting in us, and us with them.... or we do not.... (some are addicted to FOMO (fear-of-missing-out)/ or the 'greener pastures' thing)..... Whichever way your life goes, Sir Williams, my dearest wish for you is that you look back next year/ or 2/3 years times...and you feel delight and reief at the choice you made today. All the best.... Hi, At risk of my wife reading this, I am going to explain this entire situation, because I really need some advice here. I met my wife (then girlfriend) when I was 17. We had dated for two years, thought we were in love (though we were doing drugs at the time) and I felt cornered into marrying her when I turned 19 due to her student visa running out. I loved her enough to not want her to leave the country. We were always good friends I felt, still are, but I have zero attraction towards her. We've been together for about 8 years now, and I am unhappy. I think we both kind of are. We have a really polite relationship, but it's kind of distant and we don't have too much in common in terms of interests. We don't really do anything on the weekends, either. I am 25 years old and I feel like I am caged in this lifestyle (we even bought a house a year ago). I never wanted to get married, I was never ready for it and I want a divorce. She's a great friend, but I don't know if that should be the reason to stay married (that, and she would be sad if I left). What should I do?
Oberfeldwebel Posted June 22, 2014 Posted June 22, 2014 Thanks for all the responses. It was more of an emotional love from the get-go, and still is an emotional love, at a friendship level. It was never about attraction, I was never really attracted to her and since I had untreated ADD it was easy for me (more or less) to overlook that fact. I've been seeing a psychologist once a week for the past 4 months for intrapersonal growth. These sessions have helped me understand a few things about myself. The first is that I can't be in a relationship out of fear of loneliness and the second is that this woman isn't fulfilling what I need in life. As much as I would love to shoot straight with her, having a BA in Psychology and all that, I don't want to tell her I am unattracted to her until I am 100% sure I will get a divorce. That would just hurt her feelings and make everything very difficult as long as we continued to live with each other. I am even thinking that I would leave her the house if we did do a divorce, to reduce the level of stress and shock to her. We've been together for 8 years and we've been good friends. I wouldn't want to screw her too bad. This is just an excuse for bad behavior. I want you to think about what you pledged at your wedding ceremony. I doubt you said you promised to like, respect and be friends, until we agree to part. So you lied to her and now you want an easy way out.
Author sirwilliams Posted June 22, 2014 Author Posted June 22, 2014 You were so YOUNG. Nobody explained to either of you how you would grow and change....and more importantly, how to grow and change together! Back then, you "loved her enough not to want her to leave the country!" That's love as it was back then. But today?.. you have "zero attraction towards her"... In my opinion anyway...When the gloss goes off the initial infatuation stage, only THEN do we get to evaluate whether or not we truly 'love' this person.. In YOUR case, practicality came first so you never got to really evaluate? Perhaps? I can only guess, as an outsider. Couple that with all of the changes both of you go throught after several years together - and you've got a major decision to grapple with!! 8 years - the initial shine has gone off - NOW you have to look at the qualities of your partner. Are they qualites you admire and respect? Are their qualities ones you could invest all the love and attention you have within you into? (Without looking outwards at 'what else is out there for me?') If so, I believe you have a shot at making a fantastic relationship. Good relationships are conscious ones, where both parties evaluate and decide to stop right here and COMMIT... all their loving to this one person. (If either of you is on the fence, that takes the magic out of it for both of you.) In my humble opinion - it's time for an honest conversation between you two. "Hey.. I know our beginnings were fragile, but where do we both stand now?? I'm willing to make this magic, if you are? HOW do we BOTH bring our attention into the magic that this might be?? IF you partner isn't into that conversation.... then it's deffo time to call it quits. Magic happens because BOTH people are willing to give it their all. (Infatuation lasts 18 months/ 2 years tops.... after that, it's always a decision to give what you've got to this relationship. Magic is not in the air. It doesn't just 'happen'. Magic is within us. (Apart from initial attraction). Our loved ones either keep delighting in us, and us with them.... or we do not.... (some are addicted to FOMO (fear-of-missing-out)/ or the 'greener pastures' thing)..... Whichever way your life goes, Sir Williams, my dearest wish for you is that you look back next year/ or 2/3 years times...and you feel delight and reief at the choice you made today. All the best.... Odelle, what a thoughtful response! Thank you for taking the time. I agree with everything you said. I have, in fact, have tried to spark the romance but it never lasts. As you said, the honeymoon lovey dovey phase only lasts 2-3 years at most and after that it takes two to tango. Well, I can't get past the attraction obstacle. She's a terrific friend but I am just not into her. And, I was NEVER ready for marriage. I was cornered. I am still not ready for marriage. I actually told her this last summer but she kind of brushed it off. She's a caring lady, but she deserves someone who sees her as a gem, and I know that someone is out there somewhere for her. That someone is not me. She has a lot of really good qualities, but that doesn't mean I cannot find those qualities in another person, one that I am actually attracted to and HAVE a chance at making it work, past the honeymoon phase. Aye, I think I've received enough responses here. Thank you all. I will give this another 2 or 3 years and see what happens. I'll try talking to her again.
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