Is it necessary to have a talk establishing that you're a couple?

[MissTrudy]

I've been seeing a guy for two months and things are going well between us. We both know that the other person isn't seeing anyone else but we haven't talked about whether we're in a relationship more explicitly (as in, that we're boyfriend and girlfriend). I'm not going to lie, I've been a little scared to bring it up because of past experiences with commitment phobes and the fact that I am going to be traveling for an extended period of time very soon. But at this point, part of me feels like I don't need to have such a conversation with him because things have been going so well. He is not at all put off by my travels and has been very encouraging about it, even suggesting that he'd visit me while I am traveling. We haven't talked much about previous relationships, partly because neither of us have much experience (he hasn't been in one before and I’ve only been in one serious relationship, which was a ****show, and another short one that was less of a ****show).

 

Anyway, today one of my friends who has met him casually referred to him as my boyfriend to another friend. I've never referred to him as my boyfriend so it was a bit shocking, but it didn't anger me.

 

It got me thinking, because I treat him like a boyfriend, and he treats me like a girlfriend too. We never split tabs, he almost always treats me but I've treated him too and I enjoy it. We remember important events that happen in each other’s lives and ask about them. We spend every weekend together and we try to go out once during the week too if our schedules permit it. I've hung out with his friends multiple times and he has met many of my friends too. We talked about me meeting some of his family when they're in town next month. The only thing that may be a little odd is that we don’t do the whole texting/calling thing—something guys I’ve dated before were really into—and at first this was a bit of a red flag until I realized that I was comparing him to the guys I dated casually or my ex, all of whom put in more time when we were apart than when we were together. We are both pretty quiet anyway, neither of us are terribly flirty, and we're also busy, ambitious adults (mid-20s) in time-consuming careers so I don’t really miss the random texts, although when I do text/call him he is pretty good at responding right away.

 

Our status does not keep me up at night because it seems pretty crystal clear, but it could give me some piece of mind, because I am a little scared. You see, I thought things with the last guy I dated were going really well, we were exclusively dating and talked a lot about relationships, but when I asked him if he was interested in a relationship with me as his girlfriend he grew cold and ended up saying no (due to baggage from a previous relationship, according to him). I am over him thankfully, but I guess I am still a little afraid that all of the positive signs I’m seeing with my new guys are all in my head, because that’s what happened last time. I do hold back a little because of it. I’m also afraid that one of my well-intentioned friends will casually refer to him as my boyfriend in front of him and that might freak him out. I don't want to come off as a clingy girl who needs a status or has to impose one to be happy. I feel like I live in a culture where it's not okay for girls to move the relationship forward, although I myself do not like to live by preconceived standards, I know that other people (and not necessarily this guy) follow them. Plus I don't think i need a status to be happy, because I am happy. Which is hilarious because I didn't think I was ready for a relationship when he started courting me but I took a chance with him, and I haven't been this happy dating someone ever before.

 

So my question to those of you who are more experienced, do you have a conversation with a partner establishing that you're a couple? If so, do you attach it to a conversation establishing exclusivity, or is it a separate conversation? How did you approach it? Am I right to take no action and just go with the flow?

Edited June 17, 2014 by MissTrudy

[mortensorchid]

I think it's pretty clear that you are an item. As in you are bf/gf. If you want confirmation on it, I would bring up the fact that you will be traveling quite a bit soon. While you'll be absent for the next few weeks ... See what he says. If he says "Ok, have a good time I'll be here when you get back" then he's your bf. What he does in the meantime while you are gone? Don't worry about it.

 

 

When you return and let it be known that you are back ... Appear and then say you're back. Things may change between now and then and while you are gone. If so there's nothing you can do about it.

[Michelle ma Belle]

Well, given that you're on here asking a bunch of strangers if you should or shouldn't have "the talk" about labeling your relationship kind of tells me that somewhere deep down you actually WANT and NEED to have it.

 

I mean, if you really don't care and aren't loosing sleepless nights over the lack of labels, who cares what you are to each other if it feels good just as it is?

 

As for me and my relationship(s), I'm of the mind set that regardless if we act like bf/gf and things seem to fall into place very naturally, I STILL need to have the talk if only to verbalize our relationship out loud and confirm that we are indeed all on the same page. I feel like it kind of raises the bar and even raises the stakes.

 

I happen to like labels especially when it concerns relationships. I've seen too many couples opt out of labeling what they have only to end up heartbroken over semantics.

 

If that doesn't bother you then great. If it does, then HAVE THE TALK.

 

Good luck.

[todreaminblue]

If i was dating a guy and we weren't official and somebody gaffed and said we were, i would just let the conversation continue along those lines.....i would expect any guy i was with not to state loudly for all to hear she isn't my "girlfriend were just dating" its gauche and unecessary but allow the person who gaffed to continue and ignore it.....

 

I still need to have the talk with a guy if i want to feel we are on the same page as another poster said , i am not scared to commit and if they are scared to make it offical, we arent on the same page, problems are then going to arise, becuase if i am ready to commit , i am already committed...I am normally one step ahead of soemthing i need to verbalize........as i think you are

 

 

as another poster pointed out it is a raising fo the bar and i like raising the bar it shows progression, for me i need a guy similar to that in fact, i need a guy to raise the bar before i get there..so i prefer a guy to show vested interest in being with me, that included allowing all to know....i am no ones secret.....havent ever been a secret

[MissTrudy]

Thanks Michelle for your insightful comments.

 

I guess I do want a label just because in the past when I thought I was on the same page as a guy it turned out I wasn't, and it hurt a lot. I don't want to rush things, especially with all the traveling I'm doing, I know a title can be used for a cheap substitute for true feelings so I've spent more time cultivating our feelings than naming what we have. But I think talking about it, or where he sees it right now, would be good, just to see his perspective. I just don't know how to bring the subject up because in the past it never ended well (could've been the guys more than the way I approached it, who knows).

 

His dating inexperience doesn't make it easier.

 

Also,I'm super excited to say that he has taken my travel extremely well and I don't think that is going to be an issue, although time will truly tell. I was concerned about it in a previous thread. We already made plans for after my first trip (~1 month long) and he may come visit me during the longer trip.

[todreaminblue]

Just ask him how he feels about the relationship, if he give you nothing but positive affirmation......take it down a lighter path and say so yeah were officlal smile your best smile.....you take the title adn the interest in making it offical..... and make him feel blessed about it.cheeky smile lots of teeth..he cant frown at that....i am kidding its what i would do,because guy have done it to me, and i laugh and say yeah i gues we are now, normally i end up with guys who say it first.....which is what i prefer .....deb

[MissBee]

Yes, for me it always is and needs to be an explicit conversation.

 

That makes things very clear and straightforward and I don't have to spend time in the land of ambiguity or having to ask other people their thoughts, as I know where we stand because we discussed it.

 

I date with a purpose as well, so for me from day one I ask what the guy is looking for and state what I am looking for and we either want similar things with each other or we don't. If he knows I want a committed relationship and he says he does too...then after several dates and getting to know each other, if we decide we want to give it a go, it's always been made plain and works well for me. No confusion or ambiguity and I like it that way.

 

IMO if you're not a teenager there is really no real reason why you shouldn't speak frankly about these things with someone you're seeing, and for me I don't wait until 2 months in, like I said, I'm not even gonna bother to emotionally invest in a man for months without first figuring out where his mind is and what he hopes to gain in the situation. I really find the whole idea of acting chill or downplaying how much you care or "going with the flow" or "being casual" often times a way for people to lie to themselves and fool themselves...as there are tons of threads like this and it's like come on...this is clearly something concerning you and that you aren't secure about so it means you could have benefited from a frank discussion and less going with the flow. Many people act like having some structure or frankness is bad or unnatural when in reality most of people's heartache esp on LS seems to come from having no structure and playing guessing games with the person they're seeing and pretending to be casual and not wanting to ask them anything or label anything yet are logging on to ask other people lol...it's silly. I think more talking, more frankness and more definition in relationships will help most people.

 

Tell him how you feel and what you want and allow him to give it to you because he is on the same page or walk away....I know you're scared but the truth is, if the answer is something you don't want, it means he isn't for you and ignoring the talk won't change that, likewise if he is a man who wants to be exclusive, trust me, you bringing it up will be WELCOMED and a weight off, it won't send him running for the hills. Commitment phobes are that way without you doing anything and whether you coddle them, don't ask, are a doormat etc you can't trap them into a healthy relationship...so if this guy is this way, believe that no matter what you did or didn't do that's his own issue that would have amounted to the same thing anyway.

Edited June 17, 2014 by MissBee

[readynow]

I was dating a man for 3months once just like you described and we were chatting about something related about another couple and then I asked, 'what would you say WE were?. He said, 'we're good friends getting to know each other' There I was thinking he had found the woman of his dreams!

 

What about last year? I had a wonderful perfect relationship with an awesome man - until I asked him about what our status was. Mind you, he always said he wanted to keep seeing me, wasn't seeing anyone else etc. You know what he said? He said he isn't quite ready for a serious relationship - this was after 6months.

 

My bf now, after a month or so of dating brought up the subject, wanted to be exclusive, wanted me to be his girlfriend and for our relationship to keep progressing. I agreed and we carried on. All my past long term relationships had some point when he asked me - or we had a conversation that we were in whatever relationship it was.

 

So in my experience, a talk has to be had. A must for me before I commit.

 

I think you should ask him what he is to you.

[FrostBlaze]

Better to ask and know where you stand, so you don't get any surprises. It may not always be as you think.

 

When i was dating this girl and we started doing some slightly intimate stuff, i guess it was self explanatory but hey i could of been wrong.

So we had the shortest talk ever while smooching. "We are in a relationship, right?... ", "Yes". xD

Always good to be clear, maybe one of them just thinks it's a FWB thing.

[lamaga]

I asked my current boyfriend if he wants to be my boyfriend about 2 months into dating and he said "I guess". It took him another few weeks to refer to me as his girlfriend to other people, and then I knew he was completely comfortable with the label. In hindsight, for him it was difficult to put on the label for two reasons: 1.) because he is the kind of guy who really wants to get to know the girl first before he can say for sure that he wants something serious, and I think a lot of guys are actually like that, they want to be completely sure,

...and....

2.) because he knew he was going abroad this summer (coming up) for 5 months, something that would obviously be an obstacle in a committed relationship, and see, we are dealing with it now, but back when we started dating this was an actual deal breaker...

 

...but if you are in love, any obstacle can be overcome if you are honest with each other and talk about things. So in your case, I would say just be honest and ask him if he wants to be your boyfriend. I am almost a hundred percent sure he will say something along the lines "I thought I was your boyfriend already?"...

 

Good luck.

[Gaeta]

 

So my question to those of you who are more experienced, do you have a conversation with a partner establishing that you're a couple? If so, do you attach it to a conversation establishing exclusivity, or is it a separate conversation? How did you approach it? Am I right to take no action and just go with the flow?

 

Absolutely and always.

 

I keep it casual.

 

'So big guy, what are we?'.

[mammasita]

I always like to know, never assume.

 

Many people here are of the mindset that you don't need titles but I'm a huge naysayer when it comes to that. I think that if you don't ask or set boundaries, someone ends up getting hurt because not everyone is a great person and has a good heart.

 

I agree with Gaeta though...keep it lighthearted and non-demanding.

[Fondue]

Absolutely and always.

 

I keep it casual.

 

'So big guy, what are we?'.

 

This kind of question would actually be offputting to me.

 

It seems like you're dumping the entirety of that label stuff on to him. I would imagine, if you do have that conversation, that it would be more of a mutual decision/conversation. You're kind of making it seem like you're just ambushing him with a grenade.

 

With that said, I had the exclusivity+label conversation before, and I also have not. Both times it worked out well. I actually preferred the non-conversation method though. The kind that we just both mutually reach that point without saying anything.

 

With my current gf, it was the conversationless kind. She (accidentally??) let it slip during one of our hangouts that her mom asked why she has been more active on her phone lately, and she told her that she was talking to her boyfriend. After hearing that, I knew where she was at. About a 1.5months later, I introduced her to my brother's inlaw's as her girlfriend and not my ladyfriend, as I usually do.

 

After reading a few posts on this forum related to the subject, out of curiosity, I recently asked her when she assumed we were in relationship. She told me it was about 1.5months in after we told each other we "liked" each other during our probably most memorable date. She said it was confirmed when I introduced her as my gf the first time 2months later.

[central]

I would have the conversation to define what you are, and that you're exclusive. Assumptions can be wrong, and lead to many problems. For example, you may currently think and act like you're both exclusive, but what if he doesn't actually agree and sees others while you're traveling? If you haven't established that this is not acceptable to you, he could reasonably think that it's okay (but he'd be kind of stupid or clueless to actually think that, but as you say, he has no prior experience to guide him).

[Gaeta]

This kind of question would actually be offputting to me.

 

It seems like you're dumping the entirety of that label stuff on to him. I would imagine, if you do have that conversation, that it would be more of a mutual decision/conversation. You're kind of making it seem like you're just ambushing him with a grenade.

 

With that said, I had the exclusivity+label conversation before, and I also have not. Both times it worked out well. I actually preferred the non-conversation method though. The kind that we just both mutually reach that point without saying anything.

 

With my current gf, it was the conversationless kind. She (accidentally??) let it slip during one of our hangouts that her mom asked why she has been more active on her phone lately, and she told her that she was talking to her boyfriend. After hearing that, I knew where she was at. About a 1.5months later, I introduced her to my brother's inlaw's as her girlfriend and not my ladyfriend, as I usually do.

 

After reading a few posts on this forum related to the subject, out of curiosity, I recently asked her when she assumed we were in relationship. She told me it was about 1.5months in after we told each other we "liked" each other during our probably most memorable date. She said it was confirmed when I introduced her as my gf the first time 2months later.

 

It's normal it would be off putting to you. I have read several of your posts on here and you are a non confrontation type of man. You are ok with relationships with no title, ok with not confirming exclusivity, etc. It's your way of doing things and you're happy managing your life this way.

 

I am a different type of woman. I am the type that has been f.vcked with, played with so I now assume nothing. If a man dating me cannot handle being put on the spot once or twice then he's not my type of man. If having a conversation on the status of our relationship puts him off then he can go play with some other woman than me. If he doesn't get my style and my type of humor then ...well you know.

[SoonMyFriend]

You sound similar to me - you need to hear it out loud in order to make sure you're on the same page.

 

I debated having this conversation with the guy I've bene dating for the previous month, but I chickened out because I was afraid of the answer. It's only been a month, and normally I wouldn't push this early for that talk, but he's away for work for a month so I really should have established where we stood.

 

I don't plan on seeing anyone while he's away, but I have no idea what he is planning. However, I do know he isn't seeing anyone else and we're acting like a couple.

 

But... like others have mentioned, I am the type where I NEED to hear it.

 

On the other hand, this could also be a good lesson for me to learn to take life more as it comes, rather than rushing to put everything in a neat little box like my anxiety tends to force me to do.

 

Bottom line - if YOU need to hear it, and sounds like you do, just ask. Then you'll know. otherwise, you'll be left with these lingering feelings. Don't let it fester.

[RachR]

I always have the talk. I need to hear it. I don't like ambiguity with those sorts of things. If it gets to the point where I'm thinking we're acting like a boyfriend/girlfriend, I will feel comfortable enough to broach it. It shouldn't be a problem to just say casually, "Hey, I wanted to talk to you about something..." And go from there.

 

I think there are just too many people out there these days who have different ideas of what it means to be exclusive and in a relationship, and will act like they are when in their heads they aren't, to just assume things.

[lavenderlove]

I am in a similar situation as I have been dating a really sweet guy for two months now. He takes the initiative with every step, he sets up times to meet, pays for me when we are out, introduced me to his friends and above all he just feels so amazing to be with.

My ex also had issues with commitment, so being with this guy makes me feel so calm and appreciated because I can feel he is so genuine.

 

The only drawback is, that he is so slow. I feel like I am a step ahead and I keep saying to my self, be patient and he will come around. And he does! All of a sudden he just surprises me with an amazing comment or something he does.

 

So right now, I am thinking about the status quo talk.

 

And I know that if I wait, it will happen. To me it is so important for the guy to make these first steps, because somehow otherwise I feel pushy and demanding, even if it's not demanding at all. I am just old school, I feel if I say it first it's nearly criticism meaning that he is late, and that I had to step in.

 

Whereas if I wait there is a chance for something really romantic to happen that I will remember and cherish. But if it was really bugging me, I would bring it up.

 

It all depends if OP's boy is the kind of man who would discuss this or not to start with. If he just simply doesn't feel the need, bring it up. But if it feels like he is debating, let him be.

[soccerrprp]

Well, given that you're on here asking a bunch of strangers if you should or shouldn't have "the talk" about labeling your relationship kind of tells me that somewhere deep down you actually WANT and NEED to have it.

 

I mean, if you really don't care and aren't loosing sleepless nights over the lack of labels, who cares what you are to each other if it feels good just as it is?

 

As for me and my relationship(s), I'm of the mind set that regardless if we act like bf/gf and things seem to fall into place very naturally, I STILL need to have the talk if only to verbalize our relationship out loud and confirm that we are indeed all on the same page. I feel like it kind of raises the bar and even raises the stakes.

 

I happen to like labels especially when it concerns relationships. I've seen too many couples opt out of labeling what they have only to end up heartbroken over semantics.

 

If that doesn't bother you then great. If it does, then HAVE THE TALK.

 

Good luck.

 

Here here michelle!

 

Labels are absolutely important. Far LESS confusion and uncertainty. Labels tell "others" what you two are and that is also important. People take way too much for granted...and labels are and can be an outward declaration/agreement of where you stand. Some will use the absence of the label as a means of deniability....oh, yes....oh, yes.

Edited June 18, 2014 by soccerrprp

[Elle1975]

Here here michelle!

 

Labels are absolutely important. Far LESS confusion and uncertainty. Labels tell "others" what you two are and that is also important. People take way too much for granted...and labels are and can be an outward declaration/agreement of where you stand. Some will use the absence of the label as a means of deniability....oh, yes....oh, yes.

 

I agree with that.

 

I wouldn't want to be "branded" after two days, but after a couple months, I like to know where I stand.

 

If a guy introduces you as his friend, it speaks a ton right there.

[carhill]

So my question to those of you who are more experienced, do you have a conversation with a partner establishing that you're a couple? If so, do you attach it to a conversation establishing exclusivity, or is it a separate conversation? How did you approach it? Am I right to take no action and just go with the flow?

 

Historically, I generally 'went with the flow' to a point where I had no interest in dating anyone else and then expressed that choice to open a dialogue to inquire how my partner felt. The next 'conversation' occurred regarding birth control and STD panels when the dating had progressed to impending sexual activity. My style restricts sex to exclusive relationships so that's how the flow goes for me. YMMV!

[d0nnivain]

I'm a verbal person & I like things nailed down. If I am happy with the status quo I say nothing. If I am wondering if we are a couple, I speak up.

 

It's usually starts something like this:

 

I'

m

just wondering where we stand and what you are looking for. I'

m

happy the way things are but I'

m

curious. Just

so

you know, although I'

m

not seeing anybody else & don't want to, I have always believed that 2 people aren't exclusive -- & therefore it's not cheating -- until they had a conversation and agreed to be in an exclusive relationship. What do you think?

While that's a mouthful & kind of formal, it is how I talk. YMMV

[Fondue]

I'm a verbal person & I like things nailed down. If I am happy with the status quo I say nothing. If I am wondering if we are a couple, I speak up.

 

It's usually starts something like this:

 

I'

m

just wondering where we stand and what you are looking for. I'

m

happy the way things are but I'

m

curious. Just

so

you know, although I'

m

not seeing anybody else & don't want to, I have always believed that 2 people aren't exclusive -- & therefore it's not cheating -- until they had a conversation and agreed to be in an exclusive relationship. What do you think?

While that's a mouthful & kind of formal, it is how I talk. YMMV

 

This is pretty much perfect.

 

I know I replied to Gaeta's comment yesterday and said how I would probably really hate her approach (Sorry Gaeta!), but I really love this one. Thoughtful, "harmless," and directly to the point. I wouldn't feel ambushed with that line at all.

[BikerAccnt]

I think it's important. It doesn't need to be an "in-depth" discussion, just a causal confirmation is fine.

 

 

It came up in my current relationships conversationally, during a discussion of another couple. It was at about the 2 month mark, though I know we were being exclusive, it was still nice to hear it.

 

 

If I recall...during the conversation I asked "so, we're exclusive then eh?", she said "damn right we are!."