Sebastian76 Posted June 17, 2014 Posted June 17, 2014 Been here before and had some great inputs from all of you lovely people. Sad to say I’m back, but would like to get a second opinion on this one. So this is a question about boundaries and freedom. Being in a relationship do we own each other and how far does our trust reach? Is it really about what the other one does or is it actually about our own fears? Story is as follows, I’ve been with a 30yo woman for 2 years. She has a 4yo kid which I’ve come to terms with and is ‘all in’. We are a great match in many kind of ways, and seriously talk about making a baby soon. She is extremely outgoing (like me) and has a very open mind to more or less everything. If we go to a party she’ll be entertaining herself with chatting to all the people there that I didn’t know. Always found that a great trait being able to entertain herself. She is VERY pretty and guys will always hit on her non stop. I’m from Scandinavia and is used to pretty girls but she is in a different league. I studied in SF for two years and never once saw a girl as good looking over there (it is easier to get good looking women here I guess) This past weekend I was out of town with some old friends. My GF went to a performance art fair first and when getting back into town she didn’t feel like going home and wanted some more partying. Her girlfriend had to go home so she decided to go to a bar all by herself, chatting some dudes up, went to another bar with them and ended up talking to yet some other guys. The bar closed at 5am and she and two other guys went to a nearby hotel bar and she texted me at 6.20 am saying she was home and well. So given that all of this is true, is this ok? I was furious! It pushed every single jealousy trigger in my body and I seriously thought about dumping her right there on the spot. I don’t wanna live with some adhd/damp person who cannot control herself, but on the other side if she was cool and didn't do anything wrong it seems a bit harsh to go all mental over it. Her ex boyfriend was very controlling and hindered her from being the amazing person that she is, so I’ve tried my best to wear the ‘yes hat’ even when my I think her ideas sounds absolutely rediculous. But this time I feel that my trust has been tested more than what is fair. Any inputs?
LostOnes05 Posted June 17, 2014 Posted June 17, 2014 I would just have a discussion with her about it. Don't get angry. Just let her know that it was a cause for concern for you that she stayed out all night with strange men...especially without you. See how she responds and take it from there. Make sure that she understands that you are not being controlling, but that you were concerned about her safety and it kind of rubbed you the wrong way that she spent all night with some men by herself. 1
todreaminblue Posted June 17, 2014 Posted June 17, 2014 (edited) wear a yes hat and people will throw eggs at you, be strong and stand up for what you know in your heart doesnt feel right...and make it right, be firm and compassionate at the same time.....its not controlling to stand up for what you believe in....its for you to have,your very personal right to do so, also provides you the agency to know what is right for you and not back down ... the ability to stand up fro what satisfies and completes you in a relationship.is honorable and just.. doesn't mean you have to know the ins and outs of everything she does in her day but it oes mean that you have a vested interest in her welfare not only an emotional one but her own personal physical safety in being in a situation that might become out of her control rather quickly...and yes as a strong and independent woman i say this...bars are not good neither are men who are inebriated simply they are and can be quite dangerous in many respects....most of all in respecting a woman's freedom to walk away o rphyscial personal space and boundaries..they dont give a crap...because they see two of her.the lines are all blurred..............i have had to extricate myself from sticky situations i had no idea were there............ .so stand up.....if she cant see reason she isnt being reasonable....so work on that fact....get her to see reason and in that she will have reasonable expectations of what to expect and how you want the relationship hurdles to be approached in discussion and eventual resolution and or compromise.........best wishes....deb Edited June 17, 2014 by todreaminblue
Author Sebastian76 Posted June 17, 2014 Author Posted June 17, 2014 Well too late for not getting angry... I had an absolute fury meltdown! But I realize that 90% of what made me angry was my own fears and jealousy and not what was facts. So I guess it is about trust and what situations it is fair to get yourself into when being in a relationship. I don't worry about safety much as we are in Copenhagen. Crime is very low it is generally ultra safe to go out so she would know I'd be lying if I brought out the safety card. I am more worried about my GF being hit on by all kinds of strangers and her actually seeking it out. But in her world being hit on and chatting to people is more or less the same as she is so used to it.
ThorntonMelon Posted June 17, 2014 Posted June 17, 2014 Maybe you're learning why her ex seemed "controlling". Always two sides to a story... She has boundary issues, the only issue is how bad they are and how much you'll let her disrespect the relationship. I wouldn't have kids with a woman who still needs to live out her party life like that. Just my $.02. She may still have growing up to do. 2
Author Sebastian76 Posted June 17, 2014 Author Posted June 17, 2014 I agree with the last part but not with the first. Her ex is complete wanker. Gambling problems, lying problems, hooker problems, maturity problems, control freak problems ad nausea. So everything that he might have thought is utterly ignorable. Generally she doesn't flirt with the guys. Naively she genuinely believes that she can just chat with all the guys and them not having hidden motives - or maybe she does and relish in the attention. I am a keen observer and have never seen her do anything that made me uncomfortable. But I'm not comfortable with my this situation to be honest.
todreaminblue Posted June 17, 2014 Posted June 17, 2014 (edited) Well too late for not getting angry... I had an absolute fury meltdown! But I realize that 90% of what made me angry was my own fears and jealousy and not what was facts. So I guess it is about trust and what situations it is fair to get yourself into when being in a relationship. I don't worry about safety much as we are in Copenhagen. Crime is very low it is generally ultra safe to go out so she would know I'd be lying if I brought out the safety card. I am more worried about my GF being hit on by all kinds of strangers and her actually seeking it out. But in her world being hit on and chatting to people is more or less the same as she is so used to it. no woman is safe around men drinking sorry.......and crime rates are specific to crimes reported not crimes that go unreported due to alcohol inebriation......i have never made a report myself......its fallacy to think a woman is safe in a bar by herself statistics would not be good if she also drinks..its just a situation waiting to happen...and i am ex military and been to many clubs both upscale and otherwise.....same deal for both consider this..... ted bundy didnt live in a high crime area either...just saying.... well dressed pleasant man no one seen coming.....especially not happy to talk women.......so no actually you wouldn't be lying if you said a crime could occur....just wait and see i guess and hope for the best.when she cries ....dont tell her that you told her so......or worse case scenario but aplausible one knowign the world today as is, she doesnt come home to cry at all or you get that chance to say hey it is not right....crap happens ....deb...... Edited June 17, 2014 by todreaminblue
Author Sebastian76 Posted June 17, 2014 Author Posted June 17, 2014 You might be all correct in what you are saying and it does sound like you know what you are talking about, which only adds salt to the wound. But still, safety is not my main concern here, I worry more about my GF going out on town by herself, hanging out with a bunch of stranger dudes and getting back home at 6.30am.... It sounds f#*"#€ insane I can see it myself (which I guess is why I temporarily lost my sense of humor when she told me about it).
mrs rubble Posted June 17, 2014 Posted June 17, 2014 If my man spent all night on the town without me and with a bunch of strange women, I'd be dumping him. No questions asked. It just seems so disrepectful. Ask your girlfriend if it would be ok for you to spend the entire night out without her, but with a bunch of other women instead. 2
Imajerk17 Posted June 17, 2014 Posted June 17, 2014 (edited) There is a matter of degrees. Having guy friends (whom you keep in touch with via Facebook, the occasional phone call or lunch that lasts an hour in a public place or that is with you too) is one thing. Hanging out all night at a bar with a bunch of dudes you just met is completely another. Why were these guys hanging out with her? Do you think they would have been interested if she were a guy? C'mon. I don't care whether "something happened" or not (although I wouldn't be too certain of that). Part of being faithful to your s/o avoiding situations that LOOK bad. Otherwise she is still being disrespectful of your relationship even if "nothing" happens. Her last might have been a controlling azzhat but don't take that to mean you have to not set any boundaries. I'd seriously consider ending this. Edited June 17, 2014 by Imajerk17 4
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