HereNorThere Posted June 17, 2014 Posted June 17, 2014 I'm just wondering how many betrayed spouses feel guilty about choosing or trusting their partner? For me, it's much easier to forgive others and/or the Universe than myself for trusting the wrong person. I keep asking "what is wrong with my character judgement skills?" "Why would I possibly have children with someone who treats their family this way?" I've watched several of my guy friends "cheat down" meaning they had perfectly happy relationships with attractive women, but had ugly side pieces, so I don't think it's BS's fault they were cheated on always. There just seems to be something about the ego that can't let go of trusting the wrong person. I feel like my "bad person, danger!" radar is broken now.
snappytomcat Posted June 17, 2014 Posted June 17, 2014 I did feel guilty,or ashamed at first like it was all my fault,but now I know it wasn't all my fault,i take 50%blame in the state of the marriage,but I had begged him for about 2 years before dday if he would go to counseling,and I would ask him if we were ok,he would say yes just stressed from work,so how can someone fix something if the other says all is good,its very frustrating,and his side piece was,very manly looking and obese. I felt like I was a weak person for wanting to try to save our marriage after he begged me to,but its been one of the hardest things ive ever done,but also rewarding,now the good days outweigh the bad,we are like teenagers falling in love again,its been a year since dday,its been a long hard journey,but for us it was worth it 3
Author HereNorThere Posted June 17, 2014 Author Posted June 17, 2014 I did feel guilty,or ashamed at first like it was all my fault,but now I know it wasn't all my fault,i take 50%blame in the state of the marriage,but I had begged him for about 2 years before dday if he would go to counseling,and I would ask him if we were ok,he would say yes just stressed from work,so how can someone fix something if the other says all is good,its very frustrating,and his side piece was,very manly looking and obese. I felt like I was a weak person for wanting to try to save our marriage after he begged me to,but its been one of the hardest things ive ever done,but also rewarding,now the good days outweigh the bad,we are like teenagers falling in love again,its been a year since dday,its been a long hard journey,but for us it was worth it Awww.. That made me smile! I've read your posts and it does seem like it took of strength to reconcile. Good luck with your relationship and thanks for the smile! 2
tornapart2002 Posted June 17, 2014 Posted June 17, 2014 I am so sick of the blaming ****. I am sick of blaming myself for what he did. Plenty of people have problems in their marriage. Guess what? They divorce before they go off and **** someone else. I have some pretty screwed up anger today and I am so ****ing sick of sitting here and saying "if only I hadnt been so stupid" No. If only he hadn't been a flat out ******* and decided to **** a disgusting piece of **** instead of do what i had asked for repeatedly...go to counseling. People who aren't ****ed up divorce their wives before they stick their dick in a STD ridden whore. Yes...I'm so over the blaming bull****. 3
Ultramarine Posted June 17, 2014 Posted June 17, 2014 Don't know that I feel guilty...but stupid, yes. Naive, yes. Doormat, yes. Like you, HereNorThere, I can't quite understand how I let myself have children with my WS...beautiful, perfect children who are now keeping me tied to him because I don't want them to pay for his mistakes. 1
BetrayedH Posted June 17, 2014 Posted June 17, 2014 It was my job to be trusting. That trust was just taken advantage of. I don't feel guilty or stupid about it. I still do feel sad. 5
waterwoman Posted June 17, 2014 Posted June 17, 2014 Guilt! Do I feel guilt? Thanks to my upbringing guilt is the water I swim in. I am GOOD at guilt I felt guilty of not being good enough (and to be fair there were problems that we both contributed to) I felt guilty of forcing H to make a choice and abandon his love <puke> I felt guilty for being weak and not dumping his sorry arse. So yes, a hat trick!! Guilt is something I am trying to get rid of from my life. It acheives nothing - the time for scruples is BEFORE the act. 2
gettingstronger Posted June 17, 2014 Posted June 17, 2014 Guilt- no Stupid- yes Anger- yes but in time like BH, I realized that I did my job- I was honorable and trusting-the fact that he used that against me is not my fault-its his- 4
Trustnoone Posted June 17, 2014 Posted June 17, 2014 Guilt, pathetic, unattractive, ashamed, unwanted, and a host of other emotions. This was the love of my life, of course I must have caused her to go to him. I would have done anything for WW, so I must have pushed her away. Infidelity leaves a wake of destruction in every family it enters. It destroyed and changed everything I was. In fact, just this last Sunday I was driving to work and had to pull off the road due to a panic attack. I was just driving along actually feeling good when our wedding song came on the radio. Paralyzed me it hit so hard. MC tonight so I will get to talk about this in depth, so I got that going for me. WW got six months in fantasyland and I get a lifetime of agony whether I reconcile or divorce. 1
Spark1111 Posted June 17, 2014 Posted June 17, 2014 Not in the least. I loved and trusted my spouse I think you are suppose to in a long-term intimate relationship like marriage. It made it extremely easy to deceive me. Why, oh why, should I feel guilty about that? I always treated him with kindness and respect, even when we argued. His lying and deception sits squarely on his shoulders. 2
oldshirt Posted June 17, 2014 Posted June 17, 2014 I had been cheated on by a couple of serious GF s in my past. I had a lot of different emotions surrounding that but guilt was never part of it. Up until they cheated I had no reason not to trust them. I didn't trust them afterwards for valid reason but I never felt guilt for trusting them before they did anything untrustworthy. 1
drifter777 Posted June 17, 2014 Posted June 17, 2014 I can't think of anything I did "wrong" choosing my wife. I feel like an absolute idiot for trusting her. Back when we were young she was a selfish, entitled girl but I didn't think she would throw away our marriage for another man. Even though it turned out I was a disgusting weakling and stayed with her after the dust settled, before she did it she absolutely believed that I would divorce her if she cheated. I am very, very ashamed that I proved her wrong.
BetrayedH Posted June 17, 2014 Posted June 17, 2014 I can't think of anything I did "wrong" choosing my wife. I feel like an absolute idiot for trusting her. Back when we were young she was a selfish, entitled girl but I didn't think she would throw away our marriage for another man. Even though it turned out I was a disgusting weakling and stayed with her after the dust settled, before she did it she absolutely believed that I would divorce her if she cheated. I am very, very ashamed that I proved her wrong. Where's that dislike button?
Raena Posted June 17, 2014 Posted June 17, 2014 I'm just wondering how many betrayed spouses feel guilty about choosing or trusting their partner? For me, it's much easier to forgive others and/or the Universe than myself for trusting the wrong person. I keep asking "what is wrong with my character judgement skills?" "Why would I possibly have children with someone who treats their family this way?" I've watched several of my guy friends "cheat down" meaning they had perfectly happy relationships with attractive women, but had ugly side pieces, so I don't think it's BS's fault they were cheated on always. There just seems to be something about the ego that can't let go of trusting the wrong person. I feel like my "bad person, danger!" radar is broken now. Yes! That's exactly how I feel about myself too. How could I have NOT known that he was cheating all that time? How did I miss the signs? How do I ever trust my own judgement again after I completely believed in him and didn't see the truth of it all. It's why I haven't dated anyone new. Not dating is probably not good for me because it leaves me stuck in this limbo world where I don't know who to trust but I'm not ready yet. I blame myself for staying with someone who was so obviously wrong for me and not seeing the truth. In my way, that's where I place the blame. He couldn't have done the things he did if I walked away from him years ago. The signs were there and I ignored them. So stupid. So yeah... my "bad person, danger!" radar is broken too. I better figure out how to fix it because I do NOT want to go through this again, ever!
drifter777 Posted June 18, 2014 Posted June 18, 2014 The evolving tale. Drifter seems to forget these days that he had a young child, yet had separated from his wife (in their early twenties). On the path to divorce. Then she went on vacation with her family and came back with some looser. I've always included this in my story as a point of full disclosure in the back story but what you've chosen to focus on is only the first half. Maybe you didn't read that during this "we're going to divorce" period I didn't expect her to honor our wedding vows. I wanted the marriage over and she was free to date/screw whoever she wanted to - as was I. She dated one guy, I didn't date because I wasn't ready for a rebound relationship. I kept seeing my son for weekend sleep-overs which meant a certain amount of interaction with her. One thing led to another and we started having sex and decided that we were going to give our marriage another chance. I moved most of my stuff back and slept there at least 5 times per week. I maintained my apartment because I had a lease on it and it was kind of symbolic in that way where a couple doesn't have to stay together - they choose to stay together. Her cheating was premeditated although she never told me about her plans. When she told me what she had done it was like a bomb going off in my head - pretty much a typical d-day response. What was her mindset as a young woman (with a child) who's husband was leaving? Could there not be some crazy emotional chaos/confusion there? I understand the hurt. But I would hope there would at least be "flashes of empathy"... I wasn't leaving - see above. You say you understand the hurt - ok, I'll accept that you do. However I don't understand the "flashes of empathy" part. I'm supposed to accept it because - why? She had a ONS with some Hawaiian dude and a 3-week shack-up with some other POS. I cannot forgive, I know that, but I am trying to accept that she was young and selfish and did something she felt she was entitled to do. We were married awfully young and she had only experienced a couple other guys. I had a little more experience, but just how much can an 18 year-old guy really "experience"? So how could it be ok for her to do it and for me to stay true to our vows for all of this time? I appreciate your sentiments - I really do - but understand the whole back-story instead of leaving out the "actively reconciling" part.
drifter777 Posted June 18, 2014 Posted June 18, 2014 Where's that dislike button? I wrote the truth about how I feel and what is in my heart. What is there to dislike?
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