Sionmarq Posted June 16, 2014 Posted June 16, 2014 So my girlfriend broke up with me about 4 months ago and I am still heartbroken. I am 27 and never dated much, so I don't have a lot of experience with this. Background: We dated for about 2 months but were hanging out a lot before that. When she broke up with me she said it was bc I was too serious/anxious about my life goals and the future (it was an issue way before I met her) and that she never felt comfortable in our relationship. She went back to her ex and got an apartment with him, so odds are that we are not getting back together Anyway, I'm trying to move on now and am trying to relax more in life (like I said it was always an issue but I guess she was the tipping point in me seeing the consequences of being too serious) but I can't help but think that even though I am doing this for me, a part of me wants to make sure she sees that I am trying to change in the way she said by casually bringing up my changes so she might reconsider our relationship. Logically I know that's crazy but I can't help the emotional side that misses her and wants her back Side note: We work in different depts at the same company so I see her every now and then and we are ok with talking like coworkers (when she's around I can handle myself but when I'm alone it tears me up inside) Is this normal or should I reevaluate my motivations? I feel sad thinking that I am making these changes solely for her yet I know they are for me and any future partner I may have. How would you go about dealing with these feelings? Any help is appreciated, thanks for reading my story
Chi townD Posted June 16, 2014 Posted June 16, 2014 When my Ex cheated and broke up with me, I was motivated to show her that she was wrong about me. I went to school, did well, started making all of this changes in my life. Completely different then what I used to be. But, after a year. It came to be about me. I was studying, she wasn't. I was writing the papers, she wasn't. I was getting the good grades, not her. I was the one traveling and seeing the world, she didn't go with me. Just keep doing what you're doing and one day, you'll have your epiphany. 4
BUBS Posted June 17, 2014 Posted June 17, 2014 I think it's perfectly normal in the beginning for someone that's hurt or heartbroken to be motivated to prove the person that made them feel devalued that you are worth something. We all want our exes to see us improved and regret their decision in some way or another, I think that most of the people on this forum would agree that the best revenge is doing well and we all seek that when we are hurting. I would say keep improving yourself no matter what your motives, and slowly but surely remind yourself that you are also doing it for you, hopefully the steps you are taking now in hopes for her to notice, will be the exact steps that will eventually lead you to not care whether she sees your improvement or not, thats all we can hope for. Believe me anytime I get broken up with including this time, the list is made the same night in all of my desperation of things I want to improve in my life, partially because I so badly want to get past the pain and I know the more self confidence I have the less itll hurt eventually because Ill no longer be the person they broke up with but rather someone better and new, and also because I yearn for them to acknowledge it, we all want validation from the one that took it away. Sometimes it happens, more often then not it doesn't happen, but by the time we improve we don't care. The truth is that its better then not being motivated at all. With my ex from two years ago despite having an endless list of things I wanted to change and improve about myself, I fell into a rut, gained weight, didnt take care of myself, and it made the healing take a lot longer, because the last time I associated my life as good was when he was in it. Now with this more recent ex I refuse to do that. He doesn't even come close to deserving that, and neither do I. Its fresh so I'm allowing myself time to mourn and cry,vent and whatnot, but I have things I want to improve upon (and yes I am pretty much ONLY motivated by wanting him to see these things and regret his decision to leave but its only been a few days) however I also know from experience that it absolutely will help either way, and make you much happier in the long run then not doing anything at all. 1
Author Sionmarq Posted June 17, 2014 Author Posted June 17, 2014 When my Ex cheated and broke up with me, I was motivated to show her that she was wrong about me. I went to school, did well, started making all of this changes in my life. Completely different then what I used to be. But, after a year. It came to be about me. I was studying, she wasn't. I was writing the papers, she wasn't. I was getting the good grades, not her. I was the one traveling and seeing the world, she didn't go with me. Just keep doing what you're doing and one day, you'll have your epiphany. Thank you for the encouragement, it was honestly what I needed to hear. I guess my biggest fear is living my life just for another chance with her but I can kind of see how that will change once I make the changes. Congrats on making the awesome improvements for yourself, I hope they are still continuing today
Mistercash Posted June 17, 2014 Posted June 17, 2014 Don't feel bad. I got back in the gym to bulk up in hopes of getting my ex back. But, bulking up has been a 2 year goal of mine. I just bull****ted around and kept getting off track. Her leaving me was the motivation to get back and stay on it. Its been over a month now and I've been in the gym 5 days/wk. I am handsome now but when I'm done adding the muscle that I want, I'm going to look even better. All I can say is...stay the path and succeed.
Author Sionmarq Posted June 17, 2014 Author Posted June 17, 2014 I think it's perfectly normal in the beginning for someone that's hurt or heartbroken to be motivated to prove the person that made them feel devalued that you are worth something. We all want our exes to see us improved and regret their decision in some way or another, I think that most of the people on this forum would agree that the best revenge is doing well and we all seek that when we are hurting. I would say keep improving yourself no matter what your motives, and slowly but surely remind yourself that you are also doing it for you, hopefully the steps you are taking now in hopes for her to notice, will be the exact steps that will eventually lead you to not care whether she sees your improvement or not, thats all we can hope for. Believe me anytime I get broken up with including this time, the list is made the same night in all of my desperation of things I want to improve in my life, partially because I so badly want to get past the pain and I know the more self confidence I have the less itll hurt eventually because Ill no longer be the person they broke up with but rather someone better and new, and also because I yearn for them to acknowledge it, we all want validation from the one that took it away. Sometimes it happens, more often then not it doesn't happen, but by the time we improve we don't care. The truth is that its better then not being motivated at all. With my ex from two years ago despite having an endless list of things I wanted to change and improve about myself, I fell into a rut, gained weight, didnt take care of myself, and it made the healing take a lot longer, because the last time I associated my life as good was when he was in it. Now with this more recent ex I refuse to do that. He doesn't even come close to deserving that, and neither do I. Its fresh so I'm allowing myself time to mourn and cry,vent and whatnot, but I have things I want to improve upon (and yes I am pretty much ONLY motivated by wanting him to see these things and regret his decision to leave but its only been a few days) however I also know from experience that it absolutely will help either way, and make you much happier in the long run then not doing anything at all. Thank you for your honest and open response One thing you said was pretty powerful to me "we all want validation from the one that took it away", that feels so true right now and I guess I want that feeling to go away because I feel like any improvements i make will be "tainted" by my desire for her acknowledgement and approval. But you are right, any motivation is better than no motivation and I will do my best to keep in mind how my improvements are for me and me alone. I am sorry to hear about your recent break up, I hope that whatever the result ends up being (staying broken up or getting back together), that it's what's best for you and makes you happy. Although, it sounds like you already know how to do that with or without a bf
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