BlueIris Posted June 17, 2014 Posted June 17, 2014 Yay, back on topic. With the woman Sunday, I don't think it was clear for either of us as I had fun and she did too, she told me. I initiated meeting up, though she made it clear prior to me asking that she wanted to meet. I just feel it's polite and curteous when it went well, but it's not a match, to say thanks, I'm glad we met, not a match, good luck to you. I would go out with her again to hang out, but not to date. I'm not even sure how one delivers that message. Deliver it just like you said it here. Frankly, I just let it die on the vine unless he calls me again. I see that as more courteous. But if you really want to tell her even if she hasn't asked, go ahead. Maybe she is quietly pining and whining and hoping. I never was. If he doesn't call, I know. I've had lots of guys say, "no chemistry," at the first meeting. It's an OLD platitude. Frankly, the only guys that I felt oozing chemistry from on the first meeting were the pros, the players, the high-octane flirts and guys who want sex or connection so much they're on high speed setting. (They also tend to have the sex-within-3-dates "rule.") On the other hand, the guys that I met who were reserved and polite and wanted to get to know me showed their depth and subtlety over time and didn't flirt and come-on big at the beginning- ie exuding sex appeal and "chemistry." So, I avoided the "must feel chemistry in the first 5 minutes" guys. JMO.
irc333 Posted June 17, 2014 Posted June 17, 2014 Agreed...esp. with online dating, unless the person was an ass or as big as Jabba the Hutt, if there's no "spark" give it a few more tries after the first date. This. And while compatibility, attraction and a chemistry are important, I personally think that immediate "WOW" thing is overrated.
Author Babolat Posted June 17, 2014 Author Posted June 17, 2014 I used the word "wow". It's more I need to feel "something" that makes me want to "come back". I have not communicated with her, it's now Tuesday, I think it's too late to even deliver my courtesy message with this one. One of the woman I met, no immediate wow but the more we talked I felt something. There was an immediate physical attraction, She looked better than her pics, which is rare. She had to go out of town for 10 days right after we meet so that has kind of faded a bit (this was 4-5 days a go) but we talked about seeing each other again, and I did tell her I want to see her when she gets back and she said she did too.
myothernic2 Posted June 17, 2014 Posted June 17, 2014 can't be f-ked. You need to spend more time on the internet I think I'm on here too much lol But surprisingly, I've never heard that one. Learn something new everyday. Thanks 1
BlueIris Posted June 17, 2014 Posted June 17, 2014 I used the word "wow". It's more I need to feel "something" that makes me want to "come back". I have not communicated with her, it's now Tuesday, I think it's too late to even deliver my courtesy message with this one. One of the woman I met, no immediate wow but the more we talked I felt something. There was an immediate physical attraction, She looked better than her pics, which is rare. She had to go out of town for 10 days right after we meet so that has kind of faded a bit (this was 4-5 days a go) but we talked about seeing each other again, and I did tell her I want to see her when she gets back and she said she did too. Perhaps the issue is viewing things as "fading" in only a few days. It sounds as though you want instant gratification, and may be more susceptible to the "big whoosh" and getting attached too quickly as a result, before knowing one's real character. OLD facilitates or exacerbates that. Maybe that's what the other poster was referring to as the GIGS element to your perspective. Boy, when I think back to pre-internet dating, the simmer and interest grew for weeks, maybe months, as we watched each other and slowly danced a dance of exploration and connection. It was a very sweet dance that I'd love to experience again. 2
jay1983 Posted June 17, 2014 Posted June 17, 2014 I am trying OLD again. I'm getting a lot of "hits", lots of messaging, some texting, some phone calls. It's been about 3 weeks and I've met 4 woman so far. I liked the 4 I have met, there was no "Wow", spark, ugh - that dreaded word, Chemistry. I sent the first two a text the next day stating it was nice to meet, I don't think we are a dating match, good luck kind of message. 1 of the 2 replied stating thanks, nothing from the other. I texted the 3rd stating it was nice to meet, I wanted to meet her again, she replied immediately stating she did too. It's been a few days though and now I'm not really feeling it with her. I think it was the wine talking! I met a woman yesterday, liked her, fun, attractive, good conversation, just no wow. We "met" online Thursday so there was no real build up. How have you handled this? The first time I did OLD I did not follow-up. Now though I feel like I should, especially if there was a lot of build up, like a weeks worth of chatting/talking and then no connection. Just curious to know what other have done, or have experienced. Thanks Yeah no follow up, your doing good though, way better than my ass online.
hopefullove Posted June 18, 2014 Posted June 18, 2014 I had one guy who wrote me back online and said - hey you're a really great girl but I dont think there's a spark, good luck to you on your search!!! no hard feelings right. Anyway there was no spark for either of us since he was like 50lbs heavier in person than in his picture. eek.
hopefullove Posted June 18, 2014 Posted June 18, 2014 Quote: Originally Posted by hopefullove View Post I had one guy who wrote me back online and said - hey you're a really great girl but I dont think there's a spark, good luck to you on your search!!! no hard feelings right. Anyway there was no spark for either of us since he was like 50lbs heavier in person than in his picture. eek. From reading threads on this forum I have learned that some men make a preemptive rejection ...perhaps to soothe the lack of attraction you felt towards him on the date. They know you would not go out with them again. makes sense. when he hugged me i kind of did a back pat like, way to go pal! hahaha. there was no chemistry. Besides the 10 year old photos, his sparse hair line which was again new from the photos, started off the date by telling me he just got let go from his shift job but still has a second job where he works 1 day a week so everything was great. Anyway. Oh yes, it was the first time in dating where the face didnt match the picture! I finally got to experience that! Man last year dating was horrendous. OLD in my 20s was awesome. Dating successful people who used to be models, like a few times lol, and other sorts of hot model people who were also awesome people, to crazy crazy crazy crazy is this what i'm left with??? people. OLD in my 30s blows.
Author Babolat Posted June 18, 2014 Author Posted June 18, 2014 Perhaps the issue is viewing things as "fading" in only a few days. It sounds as though you want instant gratification, and may be more susceptible to the "big whoosh" and getting attached too quickly as a result, before knowing one's real character. OLD facilitates or exacerbates that. Maybe that's what the other poster was referring to as the GIGS element to your perspective. Boy, when I think back to pre-internet dating, the simmer and interest grew for weeks, maybe months, as we watched each other and slowly danced a dance of exploration and connection. It was a very sweet dance that I'd love to experience again. Well said, and I agree. I am taking a different approach this time. If there is a little something, but not a wow, I will see them a 2nd time. 1 of the 4 fits this. She's been texting me once a day while out of town so I'm pretty sure we will see each other again when she gets back. 1st of the 4 talked about how lonely she is, how she may not even be ready for dating, was asking me what she should be doing to not feel alone, blah blah blah. I fel tlike her counselor 2nd of the 4 did not match her photos, at all, it was very strange. Though I liked talking to her, very intelligent (a doctor). No physical attraction 3rd of the 4 is the one I mentioned above. She is Asian, and I've never been attracted to Asians, but she caught my eye. There was not a lot of wow, but I liked her, and will see how it goes the 2nd time. 4th of the 4 was Sunday's date, the reason for this post. I liked her, easy to talk to, she is probably a little more "red necky" then me for lack of a better word and talked about her ex a bit too much for me. She likes to hang out at the pool and go out with the girls and drink. Not really my lifestyle. She even said "Despite what he did to me I will always love him" and then said "I was truly and deeply in love with him". She talked about working out (she was quite muscular) and how attractive she is and that she does not understand why some of the men online even contact her as she is out of their league. So, as you can tell, the are reasons for no "wow". I think the "do I follow-up" with a nice "not a match" communication is situational, mostly depending on how much build up you had prior to meeting. 4th girl, we literally text for a bit on Friday, a little on Saturday, then met Sunday. Very little buil up.
Author Babolat Posted June 18, 2014 Author Posted June 18, 2014 (edited) Yeah no follow up, your doing good though, way better than my ass online. I'm doing amazingly well. The feedback I hear is "I l iked your pics but loved your profile, you write well". Strangly I think I suck at writing. After we talk I hear "You are refreshing on here, not like the others". I think my competition are mostly looking for sex and have no idea how to talk/write. I took a lot of time, like weeks, to write my profile, and I made sure it was unique, different yet spoke to who I am, where I am and what I want. I am constantly tweaking it to based on the folks I'm attracting. My pics are of me, mostly doing the things I like to do. Clothes are on, no shirts off pics, no sunglasses pics, no group family or friends pics, just me. I did post one of my cat. Strangley I texted with a woman for about a week, we had a dater scheduled, when she suddenly texted me to state "Eek, I did not know you had a cat, I'm allergic". I am also quick to filter out the ones who 3 years ago I would have continued to talk to. Edited June 18, 2014 by Babolat 1
Candy_Pants Posted June 18, 2014 Posted June 18, 2014 "It was nice getting to know you, but unfortunately I don't see this going anywhere. Good luck on your journey!" Simple. 1
Author Babolat Posted June 18, 2014 Author Posted June 18, 2014 "It was nice getting to know you, but unfortunately I don't see this going anywhere. Good luck on your journey!" Simple. Just did exactly this with a tweak or two. 1
TheBladeRunner Posted June 18, 2014 Posted June 18, 2014 Agreed...esp. with online dating, unless the person was an ass or as big as Jabba the Hutt, if there's no "spark" give it a few more tries after the first date. I dated his sister awhile back.....Gina the Hutt In a case like above when they don't represent themselves honestly or there is no real connection, I tell them right then and there that there is no match. I am nice and polite about it though, no need to be mean.
Fondue Posted June 18, 2014 Posted June 18, 2014 I think it is polite to followup after a date and thank them for it. BUt as far as setting up the next one, you don't have to do it. They'll understand that you weren't into them. Trust. Just say something like, "Just wanted to say: thank you for meeting me yesterday." Or something along those lines. Unless you follow up with something like, "I hope we do it again," or "I had a great time with you," they'll understand you're not interested. Don't give them mixed messages, but be polite. People can read in between the lines. 1
carhill Posted June 18, 2014 Posted June 18, 2014 IME, it varies. In my demographic, women generally just disappear so I had to learn to mirror this kind of behavior or they'd get annoyed, perhaps not to the point of rudeness but the tone was there anyway. After awhile, it became more of a procedure to formally announce 'no connection' after a number of dating experiences and simply discontinue contact prior to that. Perhaps, for people who have physical and/or sexual intimacy quickly, like on the first couple dates, the customs are different. In any event, I dated in the same demographic for about 20 years so that's what I gleaned from the experiences. It appeared to remain similar when dating after my exW and I split up, even after about a month of dates in one case. So, right now and here, I don't follow up. If the new place I'm moving to has different customs, I'll learn those. Hopefully, with more women than men, the ladies will be a little less annoyed.
Author Babolat Posted June 18, 2014 Author Posted June 18, 2014 Just did exactly this with a tweak or two. She replied "I agree and hope the same for you. Thank you for the message". I'm glad I did this. 1
Author Babolat Posted June 18, 2014 Author Posted June 18, 2014 I think it is polite to followup after a date and thank them for it. BUt as far as setting up the next one, you don't have to do it. They'll understand that you weren't into them. Trust. Just say something like, "Just wanted to say: thank you for meeting me yesterday." Or something along those lines. Unless you follow up with something like, "I hope we do it again," or "I had a great time with you," they'll understand you're not interested. Don't give them mixed messages, but be polite. People can read in between the lines. I disagree. Were I to meet a woman, then get a text the next day that simply read "Just wanted to say: thank you for meeting me yesterday." I would no idea if this was a "we are not a match" or a breadcrumb for me to persue her if I want to. This to me is a mixed message. My message today was very clear, she responded, all is great, and I feel good having done it.
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