Babolat Posted June 16, 2014 Posted June 16, 2014 I am trying OLD again. I'm getting a lot of "hits", lots of messaging, some texting, some phone calls. It's been about 3 weeks and I've met 4 woman so far. I liked the 4 I have met, there was no "Wow", spark, ugh - that dreaded word, Chemistry. I sent the first two a text the next day stating it was nice to meet, I don't think we are a dating match, good luck kind of message. 1 of the 2 replied stating thanks, nothing from the other. I texted the 3rd stating it was nice to meet, I wanted to meet her again, she replied immediately stating she did too. It's been a few days though and now I'm not really feeling it with her. I think it was the wine talking! I met a woman yesterday, liked her, fun, attractive, good conversation, just no wow. We "met" online Thursday so there was no real build up. How have you handled this? The first time I did OLD I did not follow-up. Now though I feel like I should, especially if there was a lot of build up, like a weeks worth of chatting/talking and then no connection. Just curious to know what other have done, or have experienced. Thanks 1
central Posted June 16, 2014 Posted June 16, 2014 I always follow up if they don't first. And it is usually to say that I enjoyed meeting them but don't think we're a good match. I feel it's polite to provide clarity and perhaps closure when possible, and it costs me little in time or effort. In a very few cases where there is compatibility but insufficient attraction/chemistry in person, I may pursue a friendship. Occasionally that has worked out well and lasted for years or even decades. 1
TXGuy Posted June 16, 2014 Posted June 16, 2014 I would prefer not to get an unsolicited "nice to meet you, but we are not a match." That is a perfect response if I try to continue the relationship, but I don't think it is necessary if I don't reinitiate contact. That said, it really isn't out of line, it just isn't what I would prefer. 4
ktya Posted June 16, 2014 Posted June 16, 2014 Depends what you are looking for. If you are looking for a marriage partner yes do the follow up thanks but no thanks nice to meet you thing. But if you are looking to date I think your setting the bar too high by holding out for the "WOW". Sometimes it takes a few dates just to get to know someone, and somtimes it takes something more intimate like having sex and laying in bed talking naked to really see how someone ticks. 1
RachR Posted June 16, 2014 Posted June 16, 2014 Depends what you are looking for. If you are looking for a marriage partner yes do the follow up thanks but no thanks nice to meet you thing. But if you are looking to date I think your setting the bar too high by holding out for the "WOW". Sometimes it takes a few dates just to get to know someone, and somtimes it takes something more intimate like having sex and laying in bed talking naked to really see how someone ticks. This. And while compatibility, attraction and a chemistry are important, I personally think that immediate "WOW" thing is overrated. 6
Author Babolat Posted June 16, 2014 Author Posted June 16, 2014 I agree with this. But, there has to be some kind of connection I "feel" to continue. The woman I met yesterday is very attractive, we laughed, conversation was easy and flowed well, I just did not "feel" anything beyond a friendship. And, after reading all the male/female friendships posts on here recently I'm thinking "why even persue a friendship?"
Joaquin Posted June 16, 2014 Posted June 16, 2014 Same as in real life. One or two date does not require a thanks but no thanks, especially when you haven't even heard from the other person anyway. Why feel the need to? Actually the thought that someone would actually feel the need to send such a text or call is quite cringeworthy. 1
Author Babolat Posted June 16, 2014 Author Posted June 16, 2014 Same as in real life. One or two date does not require a thanks but no thanks, especially when you haven't even heard from the other person anyway. Why feel the need to? Actually the thought that someone would actually feel the need to send such a text or call is quite cringeworthy. For me, why is what central said above. "I always follow up if they don't first. And it is usually to say that I enjoyed meeting them but don't think we're a good match. I feel it's polite to provide clarity and perhaps closure when possible, and it costs me little in time or effort." The first woman I did this with this time with OLD, a few weeks ago, when she replied with a thank you text, it felt good, like I did the right thing and we had a little closure of sorts I guess. We chatted for a couple of weeks prior to meeting though as our schedules to meet were not lining up. The girl yesterday, we messaged a few times Friday on the dating site, texted a bit Saturday then met Sunday - yesterday. That feels a little different I guess as there was no build up and our "time prior to meeting" was short. Hope that makes sense.
d0nnivain Posted June 16, 2014 Posted June 16, 2014 I didn't follow up becaue I point blank said it to their face at the end of the date if I wasn't interested. I didn't see the need to drag it out if I was already sure I didn't want another date.
Elle1975 Posted June 16, 2014 Posted June 16, 2014 I am trying OLD again. I'm getting a lot of "hits", lots of messaging, some texting, some phone calls. It's been about 3 weeks and I've met 4 woman so far. I liked the 4 I have met, there was no "Wow", spark, ugh - that dreaded word, Chemistry. I sent the first two a text the next day stating it was nice to meet, I don't think we are a dating match, good luck kind of message. 1 of the 2 replied stating thanks, nothing from the other. I texted the 3rd stating it was nice to meet, I wanted to meet her again, she replied immediately stating she did too. It's been a few days though and now I'm not really feeling it with her. I think it was the wine talking! I met a woman yesterday, liked her, fun, attractive, good conversation, just no wow. We "met" online Thursday so there was no real build up. How have you handled this? The first time I did OLD I did not follow-up. Now though I feel like I should, especially if there was a lot of build up, like a weeks worth of chatting/talking and then no connection. Just curious to know what other have done, or have experienced. Thanks Personally I love a man calling me after a date, or the day after, to say he enjoyed our date. It's showing good manners. I'd say, don't stop doing that. I am in the OLD world too right now, and I find it.. weird.. like I am going shopping. I am also surprised at how many men reply to me but only after I send them a "smile" (eharmony). I like someone who initiates, so that's really something I am not used to. I am in the 40 y old bracket, and I find it a lot harder to date now than let's say 10 years ago. 3
FitChick Posted June 16, 2014 Posted June 16, 2014 You need at least two dates if someone meets the basic requirements. The second date you both will be more relaxed so you might be pleasantly surprised. Then if there is no spark, at least you've made an effort so they can't really complain. You have to remember that a lot of times when there is a WOW factor for you, the other person won't feel the same. After your last fiasco, I don't think you are ready to date so you are not "seeing" these women clearly to begin with.
J21 Posted June 16, 2014 Posted June 16, 2014 No follow up necessary unless they are asking to meet again. It can come off as "you think you're so good you needed to tell them preemptively" text. 1
Haydn Posted June 16, 2014 Posted June 16, 2014 Fitchick. I always have this image of Barbara Cartland when i see your posts. Your not are you? 1
daisydook Posted June 17, 2014 Posted June 17, 2014 I personally let men know when I was not interested, just like I would if I was interested. It is just nice to know, in my opinion. I would appreciate the same so I am not left wondering and waiting around. The thing is though, if someone isn't interested, it is obvious. Men who are into me, show it. End of story. 2
mortensorchid Posted June 17, 2014 Posted June 17, 2014 I follow up with some of them depending on the person. If the man is courteous enough when I meet them face to face, I tell them via email (on the website in which we met) that while I had a nice time I don't think we are a good match and best of luck to them on their search. Sometimes they reply with a thanks and same to you. One the man was a total dud, we just were like two brick walls butting against each other, and I said I doubted that we will be seeing/speaking to one another after that night. He said "No, we won't." I said "We aren't right for each other", he said "No not by a long shot". We shook hands and that was that. And then sometimes the man is a complete and utter ass towards me, and I never respond to them at all afterward. And sometimes I leave thinking "he's alright, but if he wants to see me again I will wait for him to contact me." And they never do. It's all relative. 1
Lipitor11 Posted June 17, 2014 Posted June 17, 2014 I think a follow-up is great idea after a 1st date where there is no chemistry! I like it when guys are honest and tell a girl they are not interested in seeing her again. I mean, from my experience, I've had this happen to me several times meeting guys from a dating site-then having the guy tell me some bull**** lies, "I'll call you, we should do this again sometime." I mean, come on-be honest, people shouldn't play mind games here. 2
Author Babolat Posted June 17, 2014 Author Posted June 17, 2014 Personally I love a man calling me after a date, or the day after, to say he enjoyed our date. It's showing good manners. I'd say, don't stop doing that. I am in the OLD world too right now, and I find it.. weird.. like I am going shopping. I am also surprised at how many men reply to me but only after I send them a "smile" (eharmony). I like someone who initiates, so that's really something I am not used to. I am in the 40 y old bracket, and I find it a lot harder to date now than let's say 10 years ago. I'm in the same age bracket and yes, it is like window shopping. The last 2 woman I met, we even talked about this. Right now I probably have 10 "in the queue" and it's difficult to keep up with it. It feels like a numbers game, not organic, not naturual, etc. I'm an old fashoined gentlemen "take the lead" type and it just feels strange sometimes. At the same time there is an element of excitment about it, probably the atttention. I look at it as yet another option to meet someone, not my only option, and I try to be positive about it. 1
Author Babolat Posted June 17, 2014 Author Posted June 17, 2014 After your last fiasco, I don't think you are ready to date so you are not "seeing" these women clearly to begin with. I understand this, though I do feel ready to date, I'm just not meeting "the one" and I don't want to multi-date so..... The fiasco gal is in the past, I don't think about her and I have healed from all that drama. I learned a lot too from that drama, about me, and my filters are much better now, which may be why I'm quicker to say "No" to someone after the first meet up. I do like your 2 date idea, though I dunno, if it's not there, it's not there, why lead them on with a 2nd date?
Eternal Sunshine Posted June 17, 2014 Posted June 17, 2014 Yeah OLD is so forced and fake. I CBF anymore. I would prefer not to get a rejection text unless I initiated something. In all my cases it was pretty clear when there was no chemistry. No need to spell it out. 2
myothernic2 Posted June 17, 2014 Posted June 17, 2014 Yeah OLD is so forced and fake. I CBF anymore. I would prefer not to get a rejection text unless I initiated something. In all my cases it was pretty clear when there was no chemistry. No need to spell it out. What does CBF mean?
Eternal Sunshine Posted June 17, 2014 Posted June 17, 2014 What does CBF mean? can't be f-ked. You need to spend more time on the internet
deathandtaxes Posted June 17, 2014 Posted June 17, 2014 I'm in the same age bracket and yes, it is like window shopping. The last 2 woman I met, we even talked about this. Right now I probably have 10 "in the queue" and it's difficult to keep up with it. It feels like a numbers game, not organic, not naturual, etc. I'm an old fashoined gentlemen "take the lead" type and it just feels strange sometimes. At the same time there is an element of excitment about it, probably the atttention. I look at it as yet another option to meet someone, not my only option, and I try to be positive about it. There's your problem - you have too many lined up and so you just go 'meh' and move on. Solid GIGS, OP. Solid. You're not even giving these women a chance. You're not allowing enough time for connections to form. There doesn't have to be the 'oh **** I gotta **** this chick quick' type thing going on. Dial back the queue. Go on a few dates with EACH. Why be so quick to dismiss? You don't know what's going on with the first date or two. Most people are so nervous that it will take a date or three or four to really get somewhere.
nofeelings22 Posted June 17, 2014 Posted June 17, 2014 You should always have the decency as a human being to give people closure. Anything less is being a complete coward. 1
Author Babolat Posted June 17, 2014 Author Posted June 17, 2014 There's your problem - you have too many lined up and so you just go 'meh' and move on. Solid GIGS, OP. Solid. You're not even giving these women a chance. You're not allowing enough time for connections to form. There doesn't have to be the 'oh **** I gotta **** this chick quick' type thing going on. Dial back the queue. Go on a few dates with EACH. Why be so quick to dismiss? You don't know what's going on with the first date or two. Most people are so nervous that it will take a date or three or four to really get somewhere. I don't disagree, however I am one to go on "gut feel" when I meet someone, and I have always been right looking back. I have very strong intuition, and I typically challenge it. This go around, I am not. I'm listening to it. I'm not looking for "you are the one" on a first meet up; I am looking for the "virtual" connection to continue "in-person" though. If it's not there, a 2nd date, for me, will not bring it and why mislead them, and mislead myself? OLD is a numbers game (I don't like the word game, it's the best word I can come up with though), at least I think it is for the men. If I talk to 2 women and go through a lot of build up with them, then meet, no connection, then there are 10 more who I could have been starting a conversation with who have dropped off of OLD or otherwise are no longer interested. And no, for me it's not GIGS. I am looking for that connection; I'm not looking for the next best one. If/When I meet her, all activity will stop for me and I will focus on her. The woman I met for lunch on Sunday, very attractive. My bet is almost every man on here would be physically attracted to her. The conversation flowed, some laughs and smiles. I just didn't feel anything though that told me "I may be able to date her". Nothing. I was not nervous either and I don't think she was. And it's not because I have another one in the queue, GIGS. It's becasue, well, I did not feel anything.
Author Babolat Posted June 17, 2014 Author Posted June 17, 2014 Yeah OLD is so forced and fake. I CBF anymore. It does not feel fake to me. I think it's like any other environment, way to meet people, it is what it is. People can hide behind their computer and be someone they are not, but once you meet you do see who they are. Which is why when i feel a bit of a connection now I want to meet sooner versus later. I would prefer not to get a rejection text unless I initiated something. In all my cases it was pretty clear when there was no chemistry. No need to spell it out. Yay, back on topic. With the woman Sunday, I don't think it was clear for either of us as I had fun and she did too, she told me. I initiated meeting up, though she made it clear prior to me asking that she wanted to meet. I just feel it's polite and curteous when it went well, but it's not a match, to say thanks, I'm glad we met, not a match, good luck to you. I would go out with her again to hang out, but not to date. I'm not even sure how one delivers that message.
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