Split Self Affair Part II

[CaribbeanOrchid]

Greetings!

 

I found it interesting that my blog post on split self affairs was mentioned in a previous thread (22 pages!). You can find it here: http://www.loveshack.org/forums/romantic/marriage-life-partnerships/infidelity/415138-split-self-affair

 

I just wanted to clarify a few things:

 

1. There IS such a thing as a split self affair. Just because something isn't in the DSM doesn't mean it doesn't exist. By the way - someone said sexual addiction wasn't in the DSM...actually..it was listed there from 1980 until 1994, and it was called "hypersexual". It is still there in passing, stating that further research is needed.

2. There are several books written about the split affair - Google it and you will find that Boston University co-signs Emily Brown on her research. Philippa Perry is a psychotherapist - she also states there are several types of affairs. So does Sandra Manessis. Anyone read "The Clinical Treatment of Infidelity"?

 

I think it's interesting that we tend to discredit things that we don't understand...or don't WANT to understand. Is it that hard to believe that some - I said "some" - cases of infidelity are clinically/psychologically based?

[HereNorThere]

ALL infidelity is clinically/psychologically based, but this split-self non sense seems like a bit of minimization. Sure, it's important to see which end of the scale the adulterer is on (low empathy all the way to full blown psychopathy) but if you can "split yourself" like this article you've referred to is talking about, should you really be trusted with children, driving a car, etc?

 

Not all people are good, sane people no matter how much love them. It is up to us to figure out exactly what they are capable of without letting our idealism get in the way.

[Quiet Storm]

I also believe that all infidelity is psych related. Whether it is family of origin issues, poor coping skills, needing validation or attention, passive aggressive, conflict avoidant, personality disorders, etc. The choice to lie and decieve is a reflection of their character, not their circumstances. So you can change the circumstances, but those negative character traits will usually resurface, at other times of stress in his life.

 

I understand OWs would prefer to see her MM as confused and conflicted rather than a manipulative jerk. But the end result is not much different- a guy with issues that isn't good partner material. His intentions don't change the outcome, which is that he will usually break OWs heart nonetheless. Even though he loves her and didn't mean to. It's like dealing with an addict- they don't intend to hurt the ones they love, but they still do. Their issues make them selfish, no matter how much you empathize and understand the reasons why.

 

At the end of the day, MM is still a messed up guy with issues. Issues that do not make him a good candidate for a boyfriend or a husband.

[fellini]

Ive read thoroughly Brown's text on Split self and I dont see it as some do here as a treatise on some kind of schizophrenia. The split self descibed by Brown makes very convincing the concept of compartmentalization of the WS. In fact I find that there are significant similarities between Split self in Brown and Michelle Langley's concept of "Limbo".

 

Most interesting is that Langley is a researcher, and her descriptions of womens infidelity are not theoretical but the concomitant of hundreds of interviews with women who fit the type of amarried women in split self. So I think its very interesting that two extremely well developed authors works more or less confirm the same issue of how to live in two relationships at the same time, and what KEEPS them there.

 

Id also remind some that Browns typology of split self is only ONE among 5 that she treats. Her thoughts on exit affairs are equally interesting, least of which is that in her view it isnt just ONE but both partners are pretty much of the mind that a marriage is dead, not just the WS.

[alwayshere]

Call it what you want. If someone doesn't own their behavior, then they cannot be trusted. If they use a fancy term as some sort of variation on "the devil made me do it" are deluding themselves and shifting blame.

 

Cheating IS a choice.

[Glinda.Good]

It seems normal. I mean, if you're active in an affair while at the same time wanting to maintain your home life with a spouse, I guess that would be called "split self," if you wanted to have a clinical sounding name for it.

 

To me it's more like just enjoying having a double life and pulling one over on other people. Or, maybe having trouble making a decision.

 

Why does it need a special designation?

[HereNorThere]

Call it what you want. If someone doesn't own their behavior, then they cannot be trusted. If they use a fancy term as some sort of variation on "the devil made me do it" are deluding themselves and shifting blame.

 

Cheating IS a choice.

 

It may be a choice, but some people are predeposed to which decision they will make when the time comes. Those who have a history of risk taking behaviors, past sexual or physical trauma, emotional disorders (depression, anxiety) impulse control/personality disorders (adhd, bpd, bi-polar) all tip the scale in one direction or another. The current psychological model states that bio (genetics) psycho (of the mind) social (environment) factors inlfluence in our personality development. Some personality types are more prone to infidelity than others and there's data to back that up.

 

This is also why it's soooo important to recognize the traits in potential partners and raise your children in a healthy environment.

 

Not an excuse, but there's not as much free will as a human as you'd like to believe. That's why some people are born *******s and grow up to become bigger *******s.

[fellini]

It seems normal. I mean, if you're active in an affair while at the same time wanting to maintain your home life with a spouse, I guess that would be called "split self," if you wanted to have a clinical sounding name for it.

 

But don't you think you should read properly the description of what a "split self" affair is? I mean, by what you say above, you haven't even skimmed the surface of it. You are taking the phrase "split self" and assuming you know what it means.

 

To me it's more like just enjoying having a double life and pulling one over on other people. Or, maybe having trouble making a decision.

 

Well this is more clear: you haven't even bothered to read into the affair type. Or you have read, but you are not listening because you are predisposed to dismiss any clincal understanding of an affair type as merely an excuse, when in fact it is the other way around: ever BS needs to know what the meaning of the affair was for their WS. Knowing the meaning of an affair is more than half the battle. It has nothing to do with not taking ownership of the affair.

Why does it need a special designation?

 

Because split self affairs require a different form of treatment than say, sexual addiction affairs, or exit affairs, or revenge affairs, or midlife crises affairs, or exploring selfhood affairs... and they certainly tell the BS much more about what are the possibilities for reconciliation.

[fellini]

Call it what you want. If someone doesn't own their behavior, then they cannot be trusted. If they use a fancy term as some sort of variation on "the devil made me do it" are deluding themselves and shifting blame.

 

Cheating IS a choice.

 

What has labeling an affair type got to do with any of this. You seem, like others here, to be afraid of understanding the meaning of different affairs. And worse, you seem to put the cart before the horse, suggesting that people are drawn into their affairs because of a precondition. If you read carefully anything about this particular affair type you would learn that it's the name GIVEN to those who enter into it through a set of variable circumstances.

 

An analogy to your view is that if my child tells me she has a Summer cold, I should blame her for getting it by giving it a fancy name.

 

None of the circumstances in a Split Self affair requires that the WS be split and fall into an affair. The split describes how the WS experiences being in two relationships at the same time. Not what drives him/her INTO having an affair in the first place. Split self is a very specific version of "not having needs met".

 

Of course the DECISION to cheat falls upon the WS who makes the decision to ACT upon perceived desires.

 

But why confuse the emotional needs which are (or are not) being met / needed with the DECISION to cheat in order to do something about them?

 

You know, a d-day occurs. Now the decision to END or NOT the affair has to be made. Fine. Now the part you hang on about "Cheaters owning their decisions" is taken care of. Is that it for you? A WS admits they made bad choices?

 

Don't you want to address the emotional stress that prompted the bad decision in the first place? I sure do. Understanding split self helps us to understand what is going on in the world of the WS, none of it explains WHY a WS makes the choice to cheat rather than address those emotion needs.

Edited June 17, 2014 by fellini

[Owl]

Why does it need a special designation?

 

Because split self affairs require a different form of treatment than say, sexual addiction affairs, or exit affairs, or revenge affairs, or midlife crises affairs, or exploring selfhood affairs... and they certainly tell the BS much more about what are the possibilities for reconciliation.

 

How so?

 

See...that's where this breaks down for me.

 

SA...that could be an actual "disorder" that needs to be addressed. But all the other types of affairs you describe above...to include "split self"...are not "disorders" that require treatment. They're simply all different 'reasons' for the same unacceptable, morally reprehensible behavior. They in no way give a 'real' explanation for why the behavior took place, nor do they truly require "treatment".

 

For all of those...there is simply a "one size fits all" course of action that BS's take to resolve the situation, one way or another. The WS doesn't require "treatment" in any of these cases for some type of "disorder".

 

SA....MAYBE that one is an actual disorder, but not every psychologiest/behaviorist agrees on THAT as a diagnosis today.

 

"Split self affair" doesn't seem to me to be any different than any other type of affair. The WS wants both, and takes no action to actually resolve their issue...clinging to their indecision as the reason that they maintain both relationships for as long as they can.

 

I think that in the vast majority of affairs...this is the case. This isn't unique to one 'type', nor does it require any different 'treatment'. There's no underlying disorder here that seperates it from any of the other affair types mentioned above.

[alwayshere]

It may be a choice, but some people are predeposed to which decision they will make when the time comes. Those who have a history of risk taking behaviors, past sexual or physical trauma, emotional disorders (depression, anxiety) impulse control/personality disorders (adhd, bpd, bi-polar) all tip the scale in one direction or another. The current psychological model states that bio (genetics) psycho (of the mind) social (environment) factors inlfluence in our personality development. Some personality types are more prone to infidelity than others and there's data to back that up.

 

This is also why it's soooo important to recognize the traits in potential partners and raise your children in a healthy environment.

 

Not an excuse, but there's not as much free will as a human as you'd like to believe. That's why some people are born *******s and grow up to become bigger *******s.

 

This is what people tell themselves to reassure themselves that THEY would NEVER do (fill in the blank).

 

The fact IS, there is no 100% predictor of infidelity, and like it or not, not everyone who makes the bad choice to have an A always was and/or always will be some fundamentally deficient human.

 

We like to think they must have been "bad" to begin with and can never be redeemed because it makes us feel better about our bitterness.

[Got it]

This is what people tell themselves to reassure themselves that THEY would NEVER do (fill in the blank).

 

The fact IS, there is no 100% predictor of infidelity, and like it or not, not everyone who makes the bad choice to have an A always was and/or always will be some fundamentally deficient human.

 

We like to think they must have been "bad" to begin with and can never be redeemed because it makes us feel better about our bitterness.

 

Always, I don't believe that is what is being said. Not sure how I feel on the designation of split self affairs but regardless, understanding how people process information, coping mechanisms, etc. are important to understand how they may handle future events including how they may handle infidelity.

 

No, there are no guarantees but understanding the whys can be helpful. It helps the individuals figure out what they need to change for the future as well.

[alwayshere]

Always, I don't believe that is what is being said. Not sure how I feel on the designation of split self affairs but regardless, understanding how people process information, coping mechanisms, etc. are important to understand how they may handle future events including how they may handle infidelity.

 

No, there are no guarantees but understanding the whys can be helpful. It helps the individuals figure out what they need to change for the future as well.

 

True. If someone has a history of lying to escape consequences, if they have bad boundaries, if they seem to look to others consistently as the means of feeling valuable, those are indicators that they would be more vulnerable, I think.

 

Isn't everyone who is in an affair "split"? They are living one life with their spouse and a whole other secret life elsewhere? That is pretty much what an A is.

[Got it]

True. If someone has a history of lying to escape consequences, if they have bad boundaries, if they seem to look to others consistently as the means of feeling valuable, those are indicators that they would be more vulnerable, I think.

 

Isn't everyone who is in an affair "split"? They are living one life with their spouse and a whole other secret life elsewhere? That is pretty much what an A is.

 

No, not necessarily. I left my marriage a few weeks in as I had no interest in running two lives.

 

There is more to the split self designation either way.

[fellini]

Im not speaking of disorders. I'm speaking of affair types. The only exception is sexual compulsion or sexual addiction. When I talk about treatment, I do not mean clinical. I am speaking about the possibility of therapy.

 

The purpose of therapy in split self affair is to get the split self spouse(s) to bring their concepts into one relationship rather than two. It's not a treatment like Electric shock therapy. It's no different than the method (talking through the issues) used in treating people who are in an exit affair. But surely the therapist treating a couple in an exit affair is going to have a different approach (set of questions and areas in the marriage and individual life of each of the couples involved) than a couple who is in a split self affair, or a revenge affair?

 

If you cannot even agree to that then I don't think we are talking about the same idea behind therapy at all. Isn't the point of RECONCILIATION to move BEYOND BLAME and into HOW ARE WE GOING TO FIX THIS? And isn't it easier to fix something if you know precisely the parts that are broken? I hope that when I take my car into the garage and tell him my brakes aren't working he doesnt start looking at the exhaust and tell me the problen is the SH-T that is coming out of my exhaust.

 

They're simply all different 'reasons' for the same unacceptable, morally reprehensible behavior. They in no way give a 'real' explanation for why the behavior took place, nor do they truly require "treatment".

 

So this is where it breaks down for me. Rather than talking about things in an objective way, you want to resort to a judgemental perspective in order to offer up some kind of analysis. I cannot imagine how anyone is going to get anywhere if we just say that all affairs are just excuses to be unacceptable morally bankrupt etc. This is not helpful to say the least.

 

I mean seriously: Do you really want to understand Split Self affairs, or have you already written off the entire field of research and therapy into infidelity. Is the only "acceptable" view the view of the betrayed?

 

I am a BS myself, but I certainly do not want to guide my research from my trauma. I want to understand how to avoid further trauma. And it seems to me your approach, if not personally, but the one you support, like many here in LS, is more about ensuring that no one says ANYTHING understandable if that might offend the sensibilities of BS's. It's as if UNDERSTANDING AN AFFAIR IS TANTAMOUNT TO COMPLICITY WITH THE WS. And I do not see why anyone here in LS has to accept that basic premise. AT ALL, EVER.

 

 

How so?

 

See...that's where this breaks down for me.

 

SA...that could be an actual "disorder" that needs to be addressed. But all the other types of affairs you describe above...to include "split self"...are not "disorders" that require treatment. They're simply all different 'reasons' for the same unacceptable, morally reprehensible behavior. They in no way give a 'real' explanation for why the behavior took place, nor do they truly require "treatment".

 

For all of those...there is simply a "one size fits all" course of action that BS's take to resolve the situation, one way or another. The WS doesn't require "treatment" in any of these cases for some type of "disorder".

 

SA....MAYBE that one is an actual disorder, but not every psychologiest/behaviorist agrees on THAT as a diagnosis today.

 

"Split self affair" doesn't seem to me to be any different than any other type of affair. The WS wants both, and takes no action to actually resolve their issue...clinging to their indecision as the reason that they maintain both relationships for as long as they can.

 

I think that in the vast majority of affairs...this is the case. This isn't unique to one 'type', nor does it require any different 'treatment'. There's no underlying disorder here that seperates it from any of the other affair types mentioned above.

Edited June 17, 2014 by fellini

[Owl]

Im not speaking of disorders. I'm speaking of affair types. The only exception is sexual compulsion or sexual addiction. When I talk about treatment, I do not mean clinical. I am speaking about the possibility of therapy.

 

The purpose of therapy in split self affair is to get the split self spouse(s) to bring their concepts into one relationship rather than two. It's not a treatment like Electric shock therapy. It's no different than the method (talking through the issues) used in treating people who are in an exit affair. But surely the therapist treating a couple in an exit affair is going to have a different approach (set of questions and areas in the marriage and individual life of each of the couples involved) than a couple who is in a split self affair, or a revenge affair?

 

If you cannot even agree to that then I don't think we are talking about the same idea behind therapy at all. Isn't the point of RECONCILIATION to move BEYOND BLAME and into HOW ARE WE GOING TO FIX THIS? And isn't it easier to fix something if you know precisely the parts that are broken? I hope that when I take my car into the garage and tell him my brakes aren't working he doesnt start looking at the exhaust and tell me the problen is the SH-T that is coming out of my exhaust.

 

They're simply all different 'reasons' for the same unacceptable, morally reprehensible behavior. They in no way give a 'real' explanation for why the behavior took place, nor do they truly require "treatment".

 

So this is where it breaks down for me. Rather than talking about things in an objective way, you want to resort to a judgemental perspective in order to offer up some kind of analysis. I cannot imagine how anyone is going to get anywhere if we just say that all affairs are just excuses to be unacceptable morally bankrupt etc. This is not helpful to say the least.

 

I mean seriously: Do you really want to understand Split Self affairs, or have you already written off the entire field of research and therapy into infidelity. Is the only "acceptable" view the view of the betrayed?

 

I am a BS myself, but I certainly do not want to guide my research from my trauma. I want to understand how to avoid further trauma. And it seems to me your approach, if not personally, but the one you support, like many here in LS, is more about ensuring that no one says ANYTHING understandable if that might offend the sensibilities of BS's. It's as if UNDERSTANDING AN AFFAIR IS TANTAMOUNT TO COMPLICITY WITH THE WS. And I do not see why anyone here in LS has to accept that basic premise. AT ALL, EVER.

 

I think that we've found the crux of our lack of agreemant.

 

I believe that infidelity is an intentional choice by the participants.

 

I don't view it as something that requires any more therapy than understanding what led to them making that series of choices, and helping them to either not do it again, or get a divorce.

 

I don't believe that it's any kind of disorder, mental affliction, or condition that requires extensive assessment and therapy to overcome.

 

It's the result of bad judgement and poor decision making.

 

My wife had poor boundaries in her interactions with others. She didn't understand nor agree with the need for them, until she'd crossed them. She made a series of bad choices that led her to where she was...in an emotional affair with a man that she never met in person.

 

Once it was all out in the open, she was faced with another series of choices. She could choose to maintain a relationship with her OM, or she could choose to rebuild her relationship with me. Part of the latter was working on better boundaries, in light of her new understanding of why they needed to be there.

 

That was it. She did so. She accepted the need for those, and she worked with me in rebuilding our communication, in restoring my trust in her, and invested time and effort into our relationship, alongside me.

 

That's all that was needed.

 

There was no need for further detailed analysis of 'what kind of affair was it so that we can address it specifically' required.

 

We're very happily reconciled, 10 years later, and going strong.

 

This is why I disagree with your viewpoint. My life experience has shown me something different than yours has taught you.

[alwayshere]

Cheating is not a disease. It is a choice.

[Quiet Storm]

I don't think that just because someone has issues, it absolves them of personal responsibility. I think most people who have issues can trace them back to a dysfunctional family, neglect, abuse or trauma. You can understand the whys, and still hold the person accountable for their actions.

 

For example my sister has Borderline Personality Disorder related to childhood sexual abuse. It is not her fault that she has the disorder.

 

However, she still has choices. She still knows it is wrong to lie, yet she still lies. She knows drinking just makes her emotions worse, yet she still drinks.

 

And while I love her and want the best for her, I still know that being close to her is unhealthy for me. Understanding her disorder, and why she is the way she is, doesn't make her actions any less hurtful.

 

If someone has issues with lying, cheating, facing conflict, etc., it is their responsibility to address those issues. They are responsible for their own treatment. There are different therapies tailored to different issues, but most cheaters, regardless of affair type, share similar traits, especially poor coping skills & conflict avoidance. I think many cheaters would be able to change IF they went to therapy, followed their treatment plan, and stuck with it for the years that it is likely to take. Regardless of the affair type.

 

To me, split self just sounds like someone who is compartmentalizing to cope with the cognitive dissonance that stems from wanting something that goes against your values. OW do this a lot, too. They hate that it is an "affair", but do it anyway because they want to be with MM. They will admit an affair is wrong, they know it's hurtful to the spouse, they wouldn't want anyone to do it to them. But they push those thoughts out of their minds because then they might have to break up with MM. Call it denial, compartmentalization, split self, whatever. It is a conflicted person who is doing something that they feel is "not them" and "not a reflection of my character", and yet they keep doing it because it feels good. Addicts tell these lies to themselves all the time. I don't see this as being much different.

 

The road to hell is paved with good intentions. Most people do not cheat to intentionally harm their spouse. They do it because they are messed up people who can't handle their life. Does their lack of malicious intent make it any better for those that they hurt? Does understanding & empathizing change the fact that this person isn't a good partner?

[fellini]

I don't view it as something that requires any more therapy than understanding what led to them making that series of choices, and helping them to either not do it again, or get a divorce.

 

I don't believe that it's any kind of disorder, mental affliction, or condition that requires extensive assessment and therapy to overcome.

 

It's the result of bad judgement and poor decision making.

 

I have already gone on record as saying that there is nothing special about people who are unfaithful in their relationships. They are normal people, not monsters. So I dont know why you continue to suggest I think otherwise.

 

Perfectly normally adjusted people can be unfaithful. Perfectly normal people ALSO don't cheat.

 

So here is where for me I do not buy your argument. It can be reduced to just "bad judgement and poor decision making". Let's consider that.

 

Everyone of us grows up knowing, some even clearly stating, that infidelity is unacceptable. And none of us would ever do it. We are not that type of person.

 

Now years later this person finds themselves in a second secret relationship.

 

How did we get there?

 

For you, they made a bad decision. They made a wrong choice. (Which they always knew because we were brought up NOT to make those choices).

 

So for you, none of the stuff about WHY people are unfaithful matters. So what does? The decision. That's it. But wait a minute. IF WE REMOVE THE REASON FOR INFIDELITY, AND FOCUS ONLY ON THE DECISION, WHAT ARE WE LEFT WITH? Human beings who know right from wrong, and then make a decision they know to be wrong, to be bad, or as you put it earlier, "to commit morally reprehensible behavior."

 

Has it not occurred to you that most normal people don't just commit morally reprehensible behavior for nothing?

 

For me you are judging the OUTCOME of their decision, NOT THE DECISION ITSELF. And it seems to me the DECISION that is made is that INFIDELITY is the fundamental issue. They MUST COMMIT IT because they are intimately connected to the desire and that this commitment is so strong they are prepared to behave in a way THEY ALWAYS KNEW was morally reprehesible to get there.

 

So for me Im not interested in curing the EFFECT of the the INFIDELITY (i.e. the morally broken individual) but rather the CAUSE of the INFIDELITY: the MEANING of the infidelity. It's my feeling that treating the cause will eliminate the symptom.

 

Sure we could try to treat the symptom, we could shame and blame and focus all our efforts on the moral repugnance of our WS's but this is not going to stem the flow of desire in the long run.

 

It's supposed to be a bad decision to commit suicide. We can either focus on the rights and wrongs of commiting that act, and hope that the subject "gets it" and "decides" not to commit it, but if we do not treat what LED the subject to WANT to commit suicide, then we are not treating the real problem are we? Because we already know that the desire to commit suicide has already shown to be strong enough to push the individual to slash his wrists with a razor, just focusing on the wrongness of the decision makes ZERO sense to me. And the same is true of the WS: THE WS has already proven to us that the WILL TO CHEAT far outweighs the ENORMOUS CULTURAL AND MORAL BAGGAGE against CHEATING and yet STILL s/he CHEATS!!!

 

In your post you said "other than understanding what led them making that series of choices". For me Split Self affair talk explains just that: how a spouse gets to the point of cheating.

Edited June 17, 2014 by fellini

[Owl]

You seem to think that the reason has to be something much more complex than I think it is.

 

That's ok...we're all allowed to think what we like.

 

In my experience, people aren't all that complex, nor are their motivations for doing what they're doing.

 

We're not likely to change each other's minds nor opinions...and that's ok. It's a big forum...we can both post our advice to those that we wish to, and live long and prosper.

Edited June 17, 2014 by Owl

[alwayshere]

The reason someone cheats is pretty simple.

 

The thing or things that cause an otherwise, for all of their life previously moral person VULNERABLE to an affair....

 

Now THAT elephant in the room is,well, not one we like to think about.

 

So we decide "they" are sick or were always secretly evil.

[fellini]

For me, one of the most interesting things that one can take from reading Brown is looking at two extremely difficult types of affairs, because of their relation:

 

Split self and Exit affairs.

 

For Brown SS is high risk for failure in terms of reconciliation, and Exit is essentially a dead end because the leaving spouse has already made the decision.

 

It is easy to see that SS can become EXIT. But it is equally difficult to determine whether a WS is SS or in an Exit because the feelings a WS gets from participating in two relationships allows constant comparison between the BS and the AP (a task we know is completely unfair to the BS). So the problem becomes that as of DDAY, it can appear that although the BS was SS, there is still a desire to leave for the AP. A strong desire.

 

What my experience taught me is that my WS was somewhere between SS and EXIT when I found out. Her AP of choice made it more complicated, because he was a single divorced man. But he was also a classic SS candidate according to Brown, and a perfect Limbo candidate according to Langley, because in her case there was no OW she had to compete with (no wife, no other attachments on his end) and because their affair was co-workplace, had to be a secret regardless of his lack of attachments.

 

Her treatment of me at home as though I were her room mate - and house husband keeping the fort running smoothly while she was off living the highlife is classic SS. She loved the idea of marriage, but had it in her head that after 17 years with the same guy, she could do better. And she found that person.

 

I remember asking her about 4 months after DDay, a typical SS question (not as yet knowing Brown) about maybe her happiness lay in being with her AP. I asked it in all honesty explaining to her that if she really thought she would be happier to be with him than me, then I thought she should go, or would kill us regretting this opportunity while she had it.

 

I said maybe she threw him under the bus too quickly in a panic to save face about what people might think about what she had done to her marriage. I asked her "Are you sure you wouldn't rather be with him"

 

And her reply was: "I don't want to risk losing you if I did go back."

Not exactly the answer a BS wants to hear, a truth nonetheless that later, when I read Brown, left me in wonder at how accurately Brown described every facet and stage in my WS's intial withdrawal from her AP back into her marriage.

 

Of course this response taught me that while remorse was being "shown" for what she had done, she had not done what needed to be done from the perspective of Brown: she needed to END the split in herself that allowed here to continue to see her AP as a solution to something she could, but was not getting (or asking for at this point) in her primary relationship. She had yet to deal with the emotional attachments to him beyond the obvious (NC, "I know it was wrong" "I was in a fog", "I wasn't thinking straight", "I see now what I almost gave up", "I never wanted to leave my family") This work didn't really get started until 8 months post DDay. And it only really happened because by month 8 I demanded a structured separation. Precisely what Brown suggests in some couples as a means to break the split and to force the WS to deal with her capacity to see two solutions to two problems rather than to merge the problem into ONE.

 

Greetings!

 

I found it interesting that my blog post on split self affairs was mentioned in a previous thread (22 pages!). You can find it here: http://www.loveshack.org/forums/romantic/marriage-life-partnerships/infidelity/415138-split-self-affair

 

I just wanted to clarify a few things:

 

1. There IS such a thing as a split self affair. Just because something isn't in the DSM doesn't mean it doesn't exist. By the way - someone said sexual addiction wasn't in the DSM...actually..it was listed there from 1980 until 1994, and it was called "hypersexual". It is still there in passing, stating that further research is needed.

2. There are several books written about the split affair - Google it and you will find that Boston University co-signs Emily Brown on her research. Philippa Perry is a psychotherapist - she also states there are several types of affairs. So does Sandra Manessis. Anyone read "The Clinical Treatment of Infidelity"?

 

I think it's interesting that we tend to discredit things that we don't understand...or don't WANT to understand. Is it that hard to believe that some - I said "some" - cases of infidelity are clinically/psychologically based?

Edited June 18, 2014 by fellini

[Owl]

So...what did you have to do, specifically, because the affair was split self instead of any other cause, to reconcile/rebuild your marriage?

 

In my wife's case...her affair was pretty clearly an exit affair. She'd already chosen to leave me for OM. But...didn't work out that way when everything came out into the open. She hadn't realized that leaving me for him would cause her to lose me completely out of her life...which she wasn't actually ready to do yet.

 

But exit affair, or pretty much any other affair...to me...all require pretty much the same steps to move forward from.

 

The BS has to decide if they want to try to reconcile, or divorce.

Assuming the choice is reconcile, the BS has to insist that the WS make a choice...AP, or BS.

 

Assuming the choice is BS...then NC has to follow next.

 

Then, the couple needs to figure out how to rebuild trust, how to renew communications, how to re-establish intimacy.

 

Then they have to invest the work needed to accomplish all these things, over an extended period of time.

 

How does recovery/reconciliation differ under the Brown model? IC required to sort through what type affair it was, and tailor the IC to somehow 'treat' the WS's disorder/cause specifically?

 

See...that's the thing...the 'cause' to me is what I've outlined above...poor decision making skills, poor relationship skills (especially poor boundaries), and bad judgement. Its not anything more complex than that. So I don't understand what additional analysis or effort is needed.

[Got it]

The reason someone cheats is pretty simple.

 

The thing or things that cause an otherwise, for all of their life previously moral person VULNERABLE to an affair....

 

Now THAT elephant in the room is,well, not one we like to think about.

 

So we decide "they" are sick or were always secretly evil.

 

I am not sure I understand what you are saying here.

 

I know my reason for cheating was I was no longer, and stopped for awhile, being invested in the relationship so gambling it was no longer a factor for me. Losing him wasn't seen as negative alternative. So I knew if I could have sex with someone else I was beyond done. So I left a few weeks later.

 

For others, many others, they want both. I never cared about having both and have never regretted divorcing. And it wasn't that I didn't see the positives in my ex husband. He is an awesome guy! Just not for me. And I recognized that I didn't, and hadn't, loved him like he deserved to be loved.

[alwayshere]

I am not sure I understand what you are saying here.

 

I know my reason for cheating was I was no longer, and stopped for awhile, being invested in the relationship so gambling it was no longer a factor for me. Losing him wasn't seen as negative alternative. So I knew if I could have sex with someone else I was beyond done. So I left a few weeks later.

 

For others, many others, they want both. I never cared about having both and have never regretted divorcing. And it wasn't that I didn't see the positives in my ex husband. He is an awesome guy! Just not for me. And I recognized that I didn't, and hadn't, loved him like he deserved to be loved.

 

What I mean is that cheating is unquestionably on the cheater. It is a poor deicision and a crappy coping skill, and the BS cannot be held responsible for the cheater's choice.

 

However, despite invisible so called research to the contrary, lots of VULNERABILITY begins with a very very unhappy marriage. And THAT is not always simple OR the sole responsibility of the WS.

 

So...while therapy may not be necessary to "stop cheating," it may very well be necessary for BOTH spouses when the crappy marriage pre-A contributed to the vulnerability.

 

If a crappy spouse - BS OR WS - will not address their crappiness, then the WS beating their breast and stopping their A is NOT gonna fix everything.