liel Posted June 16, 2014 Posted June 16, 2014 I've been dating a guy for 3 months now and we're getting on great. He was very eager right off the bat (meeting up after talking online only for a week or 2, showing interest right at first meeting, asking for a second date right at the end of first....). He's very affectionate when we're together and always make sure to set up a next date/meeting at the end of each date. We're seeing each other on average 1 to 2 times a week or so and I've met some of his close friends and vice versa. However, I find that there is very little contact between the dates. I feel like I'm the one initiating contact between dates more often than he is (though I'm not *always* the one to initiate contact). He would send me a short text once every 3-4 days and it's always a random comment on something that happened during the day and it never really goes into a full conversation. It seems like he's not asking many questions about me, but rather tends to share what he's been doing. On the other hand, he does always call to set up time when he said he would. We're in our late twenties. This is my first serious relationship but he broke up with a gf of 3+ yrs (with whom he was considering marriage) about 6 months before going out with me (his ex-gf left him). He's never called me his girlfriend yet and when I asked him what he was looking for, he said what he was looking for is exactly like what he wrote on his profile (he mentioned he wanted long-term relationship on his profile). He also mentioned that I'm the first girl he started dating more consistently since the split. (We never had the exclusivity talk but he hasn't been active online since 2 months or so.) At this point, I'm unsure of what to think... Is this frequency of communication is normal? All the other guys I've dated had always been very diligent in talking with me (texting/chatting at least once per day). It makes me wonder if he thinks at all about me when he doesn't see me. Combined with the things he told me about his previous relationship, I'm wondering if he really likes me for myself or is just trying to get back into relationship because he's lonely and if he's emotionally available for something committed...
ThorntonMelon Posted June 16, 2014 Posted June 16, 2014 Well, you can always ask him point blank, and tell him how you feel. He might run, but if he does, he's saving you some emotional energy. It's possible he hates text. I sure do. 2
Fondue Posted June 16, 2014 Posted June 16, 2014 It sounds like he's dating like an adult male. Which is great news. He contacts you for dates, sets them up, is eager to see you, told you that he is exclusively seeing you, and is looking for something long term. I think this is what 99% of the women are looking for-- and you're getting just that. He doesn't feel the need to text you all the time. Just like me. I never texted any of my partners in excess. It would be just like him-- Once in a while to show I am interested and make sure to reply to YOU when you initiate to let you know he's not ignoring you. He's probably saving that conversation for in person. Which is better. Many men don't need continuous conversation. I certainly don't. It also makes it easier to talk in person when you have that much more to discuss. You have nothing to worry about. 1
Gaeta Posted June 16, 2014 Posted June 16, 2014 A man communicating with you each 3-4 days, not conversing but simply making a comment without asking how's your day, what's your plan for the week etc, is a man looking to casual dating and not looking to make a connection. After 3 months I think it's plenty of casual and it's time to take this to the next level or to abort it. If you like to touch base then do it, don't wait for him to lead the communication, just text him good day in the morning or text him good night and ask him how was his day. As for answering you that he's looking for what his profile says it's a pretty cheap answer. The kind of answer that means I don't want to elaborate on your question. Don't be afraid to ask questions to a man you are dating, it's YOUR life as well in the balance. 1
Gaeta Posted June 16, 2014 Posted June 16, 2014 He's never called me his girlfriend He also mentioned that I'm the first girl he started dating more consistently since the split. . That is just it, he is casually dating you, he is getting over his split. I wish I could send a memo to all the female of this world.....do NOT date men freshly out of relationships! 1
J21 Posted June 16, 2014 Posted June 16, 2014 After 3 months communication should come more frequent and easy. Its not pre screen mode at 3 months in, you know what the other person is about. Listen to your gut if you're feeling this way and talk to him about it. At the end of the day it either is or it isn't.
Author liel Posted June 16, 2014 Author Posted June 16, 2014 That is just it, he is casually dating you, he is getting over his split. I wish I could send a memo to all the female of this world.....do NOT date men freshly out of relationships! He never mentioned this when we started dating, or I think I'd have taken things a lot slower. But it's probably at least half my mistake for jumping into things that fast. It was only when I asked him what he was looking for that he told me how he got to try online dating... And I didn't like that he didn't say up front what he was looking for when I asked him either, but thought I might be over reacting or he might not be comfortable sharing personal thoughts yet after only 2-3 months of knowing each other... I don't know if he doesn't feel the need to touch base because he knows he's going to see me in a few days and we usually make plans way in advance (he set up something a few weeks in advance when he went away, for right after he comes back...). I don't want to be clingy, but it's nagging me. Since I've just asked him what he was looking for I don't know if I should wait a little before reopening the subject? We sort of didn't go into an in depth discussion (I was mostly pulling back because I didn't expect the information about the previous relationship and wasn't sure if I wanted to know more on the spot. But now I definitely feel like I need to know more about it. Should I ask?)
Gaeta Posted June 16, 2014 Posted June 16, 2014 And I didn't like that he didn't say up front what he was looking for when I asked him either, but thought I might be over reacting or he might not be comfortable sharing personal thoughts yet after only 2-3 months of knowing each other... I am almost certain he did not get into discussing what is his purpose in dating because he did not want you to turn this conversation into 'how do you feel about me and us'. I don't want to be clingy, but it's nagging me. Since I've just asked him what he was looking for I don't know if I should wait a little before reopening the subject? We sort of didn't go into an in depth discussion (I was mostly pulling back because I didn't expect the information about the previous relationship and wasn't sure if I wanted to know more on the spot. But now I definitely feel like I need to know more about it. Should I ask?) Wanting to know where you are standing with a man is not being needy. Expressing your wants and needs while in a relationship is not being needy. Having a timeline for certain feelings to develop in a relationship is not being needy. I have a personal timeline. I will not invest more than 3 months in a man if we are not by then both on the same page. It's not being needy, it's being realist.
Gaeta Posted June 16, 2014 Posted June 16, 2014 Should I ask? Yes, you've been dating for 3 months, you should feel comfortable enough to discuss your relationship. Ask him all the questions you have in mind.
juicygirl Posted June 16, 2014 Posted June 16, 2014 I hate text conversations too. He sounds like he does like you but maybe not at the same level you do. Don't feel bad, probably just a timing issue, maybe his not ready to date yet, even though he thought he was.
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