He broke up with me after we got an apartment

[Keenly]

I had this exact same thing happen to me two years ago.

 

Two months after moving in, she bailed, leaving me with the apartment.

 

 

I worked more, found a way to manage, and kept the place. I still live there now.

 

 

If I can do it you can too.

[Zahara]

I HOPE one day I seem him in the way you described. For me I feel like despite it all hes the one that got away. I read over old texts and things last night and he was always fighting for the relationship to work, begging me even, always so kind and gentle... I don't know what happened when he was so good to me for so long. Its so painful, I cried myself to sleep, and I'm fighting the tears back at work today. I miss him terribly and I'm HORRIFIED to see him again when he comes to get his things. I don't think I can take anymore pain.

 

At 24, you have decades of years ahead of you, too much life to live, too many experiences to encounter to minimize and limit yourself to believing that a 10 month relationship with a boy is the be-all end-all. That's short-sighted. Get those types of thoughts out of your head.

 

Just a little bit more and you can start your journey. But that also has to start from you. The sooner you get this moving and done, the sooner you can move on. He should be out and gone by the weekend. He doesn't get to use you as storage and he doesn't get to come and go as and when he pleases. He can store his crap at friends. I'm sure they'll be all willing to help him seeing how wonderful they seem to think he is. And do not keep accommodating him at the expense of your emotional and mental wellbeing. Enough is enough.

Edited July 1, 2014 by Zahara

[BUBS]

I know everything you are saying is right. I am having difficulty coping I guess. I'm so tired of absurd things like this happening, even more so I'm tired of giving a damn the way that I do and being mislead. I was so cautious throughout our relationship, and the second I finally agreed on the apartment and giving myself entirely after months of him seemingly proving himself and giving it his all, everything has blown up in my face and the worst part is that this is just the beginning of all the nonsense to come.

 

I keep trying to get motivated to make this miraculous change in my life so that I can look back on this whole situation as a blessing in disguise but it only adds to the stress because I have no idea what direction I can take. I feel like a prisoner inside the home we built. I know in time hopefully it wont remind me as much of him and so forth, I just feel trapped in general.

 

I wish I could stop the pain, I wish it was over and done with. I know these things happen to teach lessons, but I'd really like for my life just for a moment to be relatively calm and without nonsense like this.

[BUBS]

I'm absurdly stressed out and emotional today as time goes on. I thought about getting a temporary roommate just for the month to ease some of the financial stresses and found someone that I dont really know who was willing to pay up front, but now I don't think I can go through with it, I'm worried what my landlord would think seeing as she doesn't even know about my ex yet, and so I'm back at square one. As is I'm worried she will be upset or he will try to convince her to let him take over the lease on his own, as the only reason she rented to us and didnt run credit checks was because he is employed by family therefore not at risk of losing his job.

 

I can't believe he did this to me. I loved him, I trusted him. I feel like such a fool. He couldn't even agree to just learn to coexist under the same roof or anything?! I'm literally falling to pieces with everything, its too much to take on. I haven't found any potential work in the two weeks I've been looking and I just wish I could go back to when I was in his arms, in our bed, and everything was ok.

[Zahara]

I can't believe he did this to me. I loved him, I trusted him. I feel like such a fool. He couldn't even agree to just learn to coexist under the same roof or anything?!

 

You're not the fool. You believed in what he presented to you - -the love, the promises, etc. Stop beating yourself up over this. You trusted him because you were in a relationship with him and he gave you reason to trust him, unfortunately he is the one that has failed in this relationship.

 

No, you both cannot co-exist. It would be harder for you to heal and move on. That's out of the question.

 

If the dog is standing in the way of you moving back to your grandma's, would you be able to find someone to take care of him temporarily, maybe pay them some amount of money every month to care for him until you try to get back on your feet again. I have a friend at work and due to her being sick, she found a neighbor to care for the dog for 6 months until she's well. Can you seek that out and see if that is an option?

[BUBS]

I have looked for someone to care for my dog, but I haven't found anything yet and I doubt I will around here. I have looked in the past when I was living with my grandmother and my ex in Texas was taking care of him just to get him back up north and couldn't find anything either.

 

Obviously coexisting is out of the question, this was an offer I made during the break up during my hysteria to try and ensure the bills were still paid.

 

I'm just super overwhelmed and hurt. I wish this never happened.

[Zahara]

It would be wise for you to speak to your landlord about the situation and get that settled with her.

 

Have you arranged to speak to your ex about the furniture and his timeline to get everything out of your house? There is no need to meet face to face, you can do this over the phone.

 

I'm pushing you to be assertive and forward with this because you really need to work on cutting this cord. I understand you are hurt and in pain but you have to grit your teeth and take care of business. The sooner you do this, the sooner you get your life together. The slower you react, the longer you prolong this pain.

[BUBS]

We can't do everything over the phone unfortunatly, we already tried that and it blew up because he couldn't remember everything in the house and when I tried to list off everything it turned into a hassle as we bought a lot of misc. stuff. I asked him to make a list of what he absolutely knows he wants by the 6th and that we would meet at that apartment sometime this weekend unless MY plans conflicted with it to which we will do it on Monday. I know I need to get it over with, I'm just tired of everything.

 

I keep second guessing keeping the place even though I have nowhere to go. All of my friends are suggesting letting him have it and asking him to take care of the dog (he wont) and saving my money to move to Florida or somewhere else. But I know this isn't practical or rational to run away as nice as it sounds in a time when I'm not emotionally rational or clear headed. I think it would be much better for my healing to be in a different state and not be bombarded, but quitting my job and running away just seems like a bad idea. I don't know.

[Zahara]

I keep second guessing keeping the place even though I have nowhere to go. All of my friends are suggesting letting him have it and asking him to take care of the dog (he wont) and saving my money to move to Florida or somewhere else. But I know this isn't practical or rational to run away as nice as it sounds in a time when I'm not emotionally rational or clear headed. I think it would be much better for my healing to be in a different state and not be bombarded, but quitting my job and running away just seems like a bad idea. I don't know.

 

Personally, I'd let him have the apartment. I'd find a way to live with my grandma -- and find a way to incorporate my dog into the picture. When my father lost his job, my grandmother had us stay with her --- that was 7 people in a one bedroom and a dog. We made it work for nearly a year. Can you section off the dog so that it doesn't interfere with the cats? Have you checked with kennels to see if they have options for long term boarding? I'm not sure how much it costs but it doesn't hurt to check. It may cost less than what you are paying for this apartment and seeing that the dog is what is blocking you from any other options.

 

I think moving away to somewhere far is not what you need to be thinking about now. One thing at a time. Once you get him out of your hair, you can decide how you want to push forward with your options.

Edited July 2, 2014 by Zahara

[BUBS]

Theres no way my dog could live with my grandmother. And I don't feel comfortable putting him in long term boarding. I guess I'll try to see what I can do as quickly as possible but its not looking good for me.

 

I checked instagram for the first time today, he started following his ex before me so I unfollowed and everything, but it still sucks so bad. Like you cant even get your things out of our apartment before you are hitting up your ex girlfriend? I feel sick to my stomach with everything thats happening, I literally can't focus.

[BUBS]

WTF! I got dumped by a 21 year old, who left me in an apartment I cant afford in the middle of nowhere so he could freakin start trying to make moves on his gorgeous ex girlfriend?!?!?!?! Please tell me not to call this sob and make a fool of myself.

[Zahara]

WTF! I got dumped by a 21 year old, who left me in an apartment I cant afford in the middle of nowhere so he could freakin start trying to make moves on his gorgeous ex girlfriend?!?!?!?! Please tell me not to call this sob and make a fool of myself.

 

This is should be another motivator for you to start pushing forward.

 

Do not call him out on anything. You'll cause more drama and you don't need anything more to weigh you down. Bad for checking on his social media but stop looking him up.

[BUBS]

I feel like my insides are tearing apart. It hurts so bad. It makes me hate myself wondering why I wasnt good enough?

[Zahara]

I feel like my insides are tearing apart. It hurts so bad. It makes me hate myself wondering why I wasnt good enough?

 

This isn't about you. Him not wanting the relationship isn't a reflection on you. Your value should not be defined by him being with you or not. You were the same person before you met him and you're the same person now. His feelings have changed and that doesn't make you any less than what you believe you are.

 

The last thing you need to do is start devaluing and ridiculing yourself.

[BUBS]

Thanks Z, its hard not to. I feel like I got duped pretty bad. I was friends with him when he dated this girl, they broke up every few weeks towards the end. He broke up with her to try things with his previous ex, and then went back to her and she was already seeing someone else, thats when we started dating. When he was with her he treated her horribly, not even close to as good as he did with me, he even told me when we got together that this was the most important thing in the world to him, that he had never experienced anything like it, he talked to me about our future, and I know for a fact he never talked to her about any of that, friends confirmed, or talked about her in that way because I was there throughout their relationship and he said so himself. My friends were shocked to see him treating me like he did because he normally didn't try hard in relationships, I assumed he had matured. Yet I can't help but to feel now that I was a rebound, when we went through so much. Shes unbelievably pretty and she was a nice girl from what I remembered, so it makes me self conscious especially when hes seemingly choosing her over me.

 

I just hate myself right now. Hes literally bringing out the worst in me. I feel so humiliated and betrayed and I don't know how to get past it.

[Zahara]

I was friends with him when he dated this girl, they broke up every few weeks towards the end. He broke up with her to try things with his previous ex, and then went back to her and she was already seeing someone else, thats when we started dating.

 

Seems like he was bouncing around. Safe to say he was pursuing the previous ex in some fashion before leading into the final break-up with the ex? Then it didn't work with the previous ex and tried to get with the ex and then bounced to you? Didn't that cause you to step back some and question his pattern?

 

When he was with her he treated her horribly, not even close to as good as he did with me, he even told me when we got together that this was the most important thing in the world to him, that he had never experienced anything like it, he talked to me about our future, and I know for a fact he never talked to her about any of that, friends confirmed, or talked about her in that way because I was there throughout their relationship and he said so himself.

 

Red flag. What he will do to another, he will do to you because this is who he is. A kind and decent man is consistent in his behavior and how he treats people. It doesn't go from one extreme to another.

 

My friends were shocked to see him treating me like he did because he normally didn't try hard in relationships, I assumed he had matured. Yet I can't help but to feel now that I was a rebound, when we went through so much. Shes unbelievably pretty and she was a nice girl from what I remembered, so it makes me self conscious especially when hes seemingly choosing her over me.

 

He's repeating the bounce. When he was going from ex to ex, that was a huge red flag to you that he wasn't emotionally mature. Treating his ex horribly was a red flag to you that he has the ability to resort to such behavior. Did you not wonder?

 

I just hate myself right now. Hes literally bringing out the worst in me. I feel so humiliated and betrayed and I don't know how to get past it.

 

The only way you can get past this is to remove him from your life and start grieving from this. I can tell you this as many times, but don't wait till Monday -- get him out when his rent ends. Give him a deadline to get his things out. If they are not out, they will be sitting on the curb. Change the locks and start your journey.

[BUBS]

Of course I saw it as a red flag , however I've dated men in the past that were young and treated exes bad that treated me like gold and continued to treat girls much better as they matured. In the same token when I was younger I didn't treat my relationships well either, I was very confrontational and aggressive and now I put major work in my relationships and much more care as I've matured, so I guess seeing the amazing transition of how he treated her versus how he treated me, I assumed it was because he had respect for me and had grown out of that boyish tough guy phase in his life. I agree with everything your saying, I'm an idiot for not using my common sense.

[Zahara]

So, you're saying that you should give a guy the benefit of the doubt that even if he treated an ex like crap, the rule that maturity will change him makes you the exception?

 

What about the fact that he was bouncing from ex to ex? Was he cheating on the ex when he was trying to get back with the previous ex? I have to think he was. What about that showed you any sense of trustworthiness or loyalty?

 

People are on their best behavior when they start dating you. Your relationship lasted 10 months -- the honeymoon period was all about respect, love and care for you but as soon as times got tough, he split. And now he's sniffing for his ex that he treated horribly. It's a pattern.

 

And maturity doesn't grow in months.

Edited July 2, 2014 by Zahara

[sooshi]

I'm not convinced that it's really love, respect, and care if it's only when a partner feels a spark. It's conditional, and not based on anything of real depth. It's not genuine. If it were, he wouldn't have have split when times got tough. Keep this in mind.

 

It's easy to be good to someone when you feel sparks and whatnot for them. But once that fades, and if the love, respect, and care decline, I don't think it was ever REAL to begin with.

 

Like Zahara said, you need to remove this man from your life. This is how and when your healing journey will begin. I know it's hard when you still have a strong emotional attachment to him, but you need to focus on YOU right now. Focus on YOUR healing and not on what he has done and how much he respected you during the beginning of your relationship. It's done, it's over, and in time you'll be really thankful that it is!

[Zahara]

BUBS, sending good thoughts and hoping that it all gets finalized this weekend so that you can start healing from this.

 

Stand your ground. Show strength even if you're breaking inside. Set your terms. Keep reminding yourself that things will work itself out, they always do. I've been in the worst of situations and in every one of those situations when it was dark and bleak and I felt alone with no hope, things always, even at the end, fell into place and worked itself out. This will happen for you too.

 

Don't allow him to store his things at your place any longer than the weekend because for as long as he does that, you will stay affected and stuck. He has to get his crap out. This was his decision. If it gets too messy with the furniture, let it go. It's just not worth it.

 

Thinking of you through the weekend and hoping you stay strong.

Edited July 3, 2014 by Zahara

[BUBS]

Thank you for all of your support! I'm not sure if its gonna happen this weekend or during the work week, his family is having a weekend bbq they do every year, so i'm not bothering because I'm so low this weekend not being there that the LAST thing I want is to see him. I know he needs to get his stuff out and cut ties, but I've been having awful panic attacks today and just can't deal with it anyway.

 

I'm still really low in spirits. I've been in worse situations then this, but its wearing on me emotionally. Its a beautiful day out and I feel crippled. Not much is going on since everyones at his house anyway, but I just feel so miserable.

[BUBS]

I have been getting worse with coping, I guess because of the finality of it all and realizing that there is absolutely no chance of reconciliation. I feel hopeless and miserable and I can't wait until I no longer feel this way. I've never dated anyone I had to really run into after they broke up with me, so I know this will hit me more than not in the next few months. My friends all liked his photo on ig which led me to it, and it was him seemingly flirting with someone, although he didn't mention who, just some corny pick up line he used to use on me. I feel so foolish, he changed his status to single finally on fb as well (I haven't been on fb till yesterday). It's depressing and hard. I thought we were such good friends over the years, only to be left with absolutely nothing.

 

Come September two of my closest female friends will be moving away to florida, and all that will be left is the guys I grew up with that he hangs out with so I am aprehensive about spending a cold winter without him, and without anyone else for that matter. I wish I knew why I felt worse then when we broke up. It's been a little over 3 weeks now

[Zahara]

I'm not sure how to advise you, BUBS. You keep doing all the things to drag you down further and everything that has been given to you over LS has fallen on deaf ears.