He broke up with me after we got an apartment

[BUBS]

I've been dating a guy I was friends with for years for 10 months now. He broke up with me this past weekend saying "we are broken and can't be fixed"... he convinced me we should get an apartment a month and a half ago, and now hes just up and leaving me. Hes younger then me, I'm 25 he's 21. Everyone is telling me that hes just too young and thats why his entire demeanor changed when we got the apartment, but he suggested getting it, and on top of that he still wants to keep the place, so I'm taking it personally. Of course it was a stressful month moving in and everything else, but he shut off so quickly, there was no communication about it, just cut and dry. I'm baffled, terrified and sad.

 

I can't move out of the apartment despite not being able to afford it because we got my dog back, and because my mom moved into my old room at my grandmothers house. Aside from financial worries, he is also being downright cold and even mean about the process so far which is insane to me because we were so close and good friends before this and I'm terrified he's going to turn it into a war about who gets what and so forth.

 

We share mutual friends, and on July 24th we will both have to stay in a bungalow for my best friends birthday together, which will also mark what would have been our one year anniversary, its going to be horrible for me, as he is so mentally immature and young I can imagine we will still have plenty of turmoil at that time and leading up to that point.

 

I'm so upset and humiliated. I've never lived on my own, I just got a promotion at work but not enough to really survive still and I cant focus on my training for the new job after the way he handled this past weekend. The house feels so cold and empty of his presence. Since he decided to move out barely 2 months into our apartment lease I don't have the spending money to really go out and be productive for most of my time, and since we have mutual friends and hes planning on living it up and going out all the time, I feel I'll have to isolate myself to ensure I get over him and I'm not bombarded with him or his potential girlfriends over the next few months.

 

He was a wonderful boyfriend till we got a place, he did a 180. I feel like I'm old, boring, and miserable to him. I feel like a lot of things.

 

Of course I know eventually I will be perfectly fine, it's just absolutely overwhelming and messed up. I just don't know what next move I should take. He hasnt gotten his things, and we paid 50/50 for all the stuff in the house so thats going to be an argument in itself. He just shut down and I don't know why, we celebrated our anniversary and he told me how much I made his life better, how much he loved me, how we made it and so on and so forth, then 3 days later he says we can't be fixed and were broken and he's done.

 

I feel so alone, especially when I'm in the apartment. I decorated it to my taste since we had similar interests and I'm too broke to change it around now anyway, so I don't know how to move on when the whole place reminds me of him, and when I have nothing to do to occupy myself.

 

I don't have cable to watch tv, I have a dvd player but im sure he will take the tv when we get down to it. The internet is in his name, and I can only take so much of that.

 

I know I could go and work out, but thats all I can think of. I don't want to cook big meals because I cant afford them now and because they remind me of us because we were cooking so much together. I dont know what to do, I dont have any real hobbies or interests, especially not ones that don't cost money. Last night I even had to take anxiety medication for the first time in years due to a panic attack. I can't see my friends because he may be with them, and even if they arent they all want to go out to places that cost money. I've been spending time with my family of course, and talking to my friends through texts to try to fill his void, but I'm so mad at myself for even caring as much as I do when hes being so inconsiderate to my feelings after laying this bomb on me.

 

 

How do you guys occupy your time even if you don't live alone? How do you embrace living alone when youre broke and have nothing to do but sit around and remember how much better and easier life was when they were around to sit around with you? I'm a mess.

[Zahara]

Is the lease under his name, yours or both?

[BUBS]

Both. I'm trying to keep things civil since we have mutual friends and will eventually have to deal with one another, but it doesn't feel like hes going to want to do that, and I dont know why.

[Zahara]

Both. I'm trying to keep things civil since we have mutual friends and will eventually have to deal with one another, but it doesn't feel like hes going to want to do that, and I dont know why.

 

Is he paying the rent 50/50? Can you find a replacement renter? Have you spoken to your rental office to see if they can accommodate you breaking the lease and what the penalties would look like?

[BUBS]

We were splitting it 50/50 now that he's moving out I'll be responsible for it entirely on my own. I can't break the lease, unfortunatly this was the most reasonably priced apartment I could find as is, and I need to have a place as my mother moved into my old room at my grandmothers and my dog is now here and he cant stay at my grandmothers so I have nowhere to go. He was willing to take the apartment, but again I need it. So now on top of having to pay him half the secuirity deposit and give him half the things we purchased together, I have to figure out how to cover all of the bills entirely.

 

My thing is I know now I wont have any spending money left over to go and socialize or entertain myself. I'm really concerned I'll fall into a rut as is, but the prospect that I can't go have a drink with friends (50% because im broke and 50% because he may be with them too) or pick up any hobbies that cost money concerns me.

 

I dont have many hobbies. I have tried to map out a game plan to keep myself and my heart/mind busy to not dwell and fall apart with everything going on, but after exercise, walking my dog, visiting with family and whatnot theres still SO much time left over to be sad and miss him. Of course I know its natural and necessary to be sad and greive the loss, but after my fiance left me 2 years ago I really fell into a rut and thats when I had cash, I gained a lot of weight, I binge drank, I cried all day, it really messed me up. This guy is someone I actually will have to deal with and see and all I want is to pull myself together enough to not subject the rest of my life to fall apart with him leaving like I did with my other ex.

[BUBS]

Oh also on the replacement renter thing, its a one bedroom apartment, its really only built for one person or possibly a couple to be honest, I could convert the living room into the bedroom but its highly unlikely with the set up that anyone would be interested in sharing the place or the bills with me.

[Zahara]

In your other thread you said you got your dog from your ex. Can you ask him if he can take the dog back? If your boyfriend is able to take the apartment, you should look for a place that is cheaper and allow pets i.e. basement. A colleague just rented a basement to someone and she allows pets. It's like a little apartment. Otherwise, go back and live with your grandma and sleep on the couch or get an air mattress until you find something within your means. Leave the dog with your ex until you find a place that can accommodate the dog.

 

If you won't even have money to go out for a drink, what happens if you have to fix your car, if you get sick, if your dog needs to see a vet? Pets are expensive. What happens if there is an emergency and you need money? Living from dollar to dollar is not the way to go. You can't live like this.

 

Can you get a second job if you don't want to move out?

[Elle1975]

We were splitting it 50/50 now that he's moving out I'll be responsible for it entirely on my own. I can't break the lease, unfortunatly this was the most reasonably priced apartment I could find as is, and I need to have a place as my mother moved into my old room at my grandmothers and my dog is now here and he cant stay at my grandmothers so I have nowhere to go. He was willing to take the apartment, but again I need it. So now on top of having to pay him half the secuirity deposit and give him half the things we purchased together, I have to figure out how to cover all of the bills entirely.

 

My thing is I know now I wont have any spending money left over to go and socialize or entertain myself. I'm really concerned I'll fall into a rut as is, but the prospect that I can't go have a drink with friends (50% because im broke and 50% because he may be with them too) or pick up any hobbies that cost money concerns me.

 

I dont have many hobbies. I have tried to map out a game plan to keep myself and my heart/mind busy to not dwell and fall apart with everything going on, but after exercise, walking my dog, visiting with family and whatnot theres still SO much time left over to be sad and miss him. Of course I know its natural and necessary to be sad and greive the loss, but after my fiance left me 2 years ago I really fell into a rut and thats when I had cash, I gained a lot of weight, I binge drank, I cried all day, it really messed me up. This guy is someone I actually will have to deal with and see and all I want is to pull myself together enough to not subject the rest of my life to fall apart with him leaving like I did with my other ex.

 

Since the rent is in both names, take him to the small claims court. He is responsible for half the rent.

[April Moon]

I believe since his name is on the lease he is equally (and legally) responsible for the rent.

[BUBS]

It's complicated again like I said I just want things to remain civil. I live in NJ and the rent is expensive. My apartment is pretty cheap as is like I said before, the most inexpensive I've found even looking at studios, just not within my financial means. If i were to give him the place, and let him take care of my dog temporarily most people are asking on craigslist a similiar rate to share rooms in other establishments, and my dog is 70lbs... it was difficult to even get a place that allowed him because hes on the restricted breed list and no my ex wont take him back, the reason he was sent back to me is because he was moving and said he'd no longer take care of him.

 

My family has offered to help me where they can, they aren't that financially comfortable or anything but they all agree it would be best for me to stay in the apartment as the costs of moving all my furniture plus more deposits and so forth would be relatively close to the same. I am NOT saying that there arent more practical things I could be renting, that its not possible for me to find a room for rent that would also allow my large shedding dog, what I am saying is that at this point I've become so emotionally drained from getting broken up with, lied to, and screwed over that it just seems smarter to stay put and suck it up.

 

I am terrified of it, but I don't know what else to do this quickly to be honest, I have been looking despite telling my now ex that I want to keep the place, checking classifieds for more reasonable places to live, none of them are following through, and I don't have much time before things need to be squared off a bit.

 

The point of my thread wasn't to discuss the logistics of the apartment, I am overwhelmed with that thought and I know its going to take time to figure out the best approach and of course this forums advice as well, but concern right now is what to do in the mean time, how to void myself of the loneliness, keep myself on track. Should I get a second job? I work 40 hours a week plus commute and I am tired often, but maybe thatll help?

[redbaron005]

Ugh, I'm so sorry for you. You seem like a great person. Totally his loss. I know that you are super stressed, so the best advice I can give is to pace yourself. Try working on one major thing and one minor thing a day, that's worked for me in the past to control anxiety and make it feel like I'm doing good things for myself.

 

Also, don't sacrifice your health, good food is worth the monetary investment. The stuff in your apartment is just stuff at the end of the day, but you can't replace you! And either can your ex, a lesson he has chosen to learn the hard way.

[BUBS]

I don't know if I can take him to small claims court for it, it seems logical that he would be equally responsible for the rent even if he moved out, even if he wants the place to himself and I'm not accommodating that, but most of what I've read seems to point to otherwise, it seems he only legally needs to give notice to a certain extent and pay up to that point on his end. I dont want to start a war with him, especially since hes willing to take the place over on his own without me having to pay him half, but I cant go homeless over this nonsense either. Like I said we have the same friends, I have to deal with him in my life, and while it may not be entirely fair to me, I'm trying to keep the peace and the last thing I want is to go to court and start that trouble. I know its messed up what hes doing, but I cant fathom even beginning the process of convincing the kid that he needs to pay for half of the place when he no longer lives there, or wants to be with me. Yes I understand he convinced me to get the place, and I understand it is his responsibility. But I don't think I'm capable of starting a war like that at this point.

[Zahara]

I won't touch on the apartment and what you do with it because I know you're adamant about keeping it.

 

Loneliness -- it is going to be there. You are going to feel that way for awhile. Stay away from his friends. There is no need to go for your friend's birthday party. You can have a separate celebration with her as you focus on your healing.

 

You keep yourself on track by staying away from being triggered and reminded. You have to stay busy and keep yourself involved. Maybe getting that second job will help you tie some loose ends that will help alleviate some of that added stress from money issues. It will also keep you busy.

[BUBS]

I pay 1000 plus utilities for my place, most of the rooms for rent within my area that would be reasonable for my commute to my job are between 7 and 900 a month, and while that few hundered dollars is immense I know on a budget, it seems pointless whe nI have such a large dog to be paying such a large amount for a tiny bedroom versus the apartment I have. I currently make an average of 1400-1500 a month (which is why I said its cutting it too close)... my mother has agreed to help me with food for the months till my lease is up so thats one less thing to worry about, my gas bill is practically nothing and I have a space heater for the winter, from what I've heard the water prices are a little extreme in the town i live in (I haven't gotten the bill yet) and this is where I am most concerned really. My car is paid off, and my grandmother covers my insurance.

 

So again my income is around 1400-1500. The apartment is 1000, leaving me with 400-500 for utilities, gas, spending for the month. I know this is not at all enough especially since I now have to come up with 800 bucks to give my ex half of his security deposit back, I have no idea why I offered this to begin, I guess since he wanted to keep the place and was agreeing to those terms, now that I want to keep the place I feel obligated to do the same.

 

I guess I have to look for a second job.

[BUBS]

I'm just lost in general. A part of me knows that you're right that I can't afford this place, and that the whole thing is a mess. I wasn't counting on someone I've been good friends with and someone that wanted me to move in together to change their mind a month in and only two weeks after I had my dog shipped back from texas. Its a low blow, and I'm overwhelmed and confused. I feel this immense rush to choose whether to somehow find another place to live and so forth or stay, because I know he wont be willing to not live there and then move back in if I change my mind later, and I know he wont be willing to live there and take care of my dog only for me to decide that I want to stay there and can't find a place thats reasonable with my dog and my things. Its just one big nightmare.

 

I'm trying to process this heartache all the while trying to process what I can and can't do in the circumstances of my home, and so forth. I was offerred a new position at work, I can't fathom it pays MUCH more then what I already make, I havent begun training yet, (he broke it off the day I got the offer for the promotion) but I'm hoping that even with an additional dollar an hour itll help a bit. Although I don't even know if I'll be offered a raise.

[HeartbrokenNewbie]

I would say he has got cold feet and he's bolted, I think you may find he will return but you have to stay away from him, he needs to work this out for himself and see what you mean to him x He's young and dumb I think he's got overwhelmed but you must leave him be xx

[d0nnivain]

See if you can find an entirely new tenant. If you don't disrupt your landlords income stream, the landlord will let you out of the lease.

[BUBS]

I'm overwhelmed myself at this point. Its hard adjusting to all of these changes over night to be honest. Like I said I've never lived alone before, so in the midst of a break up in the apartment we got together, its lonely and I feel his presence everywhere. My dog keeps looking at the door waiting for him to come in and in a way I do too. despite me not having the money to really afford the place, I'm running the tv in the living room just to have sound as well as lights on in most of the house to make it feel less cold and alone.

 

The nights are difficult for me, they always have been out of relationships. So many questions and emotions. Of course the past few days have been difficult as a whole for me.

 

I havent heard from him since yesterday, and all he had to say yesterday was firm, cold and to the point about the apartment. I didnt assume I'd hear from him today. He even posted an instagram photo of a billboard that said "Don't grow up its a trap" with the caption "PREACH" underneath, and I feel like it was directed at me because of how old I act, but I know I also need to stop following him on instagram, no need for the nc lectures ive gone down this road before haha. I wish I could go full no contact and not have to deal with him taking his things out and the fights to come about secuirity deposits, the utilitiy bills that are gonna be coming in that he technically owes me half of, and so furniture stuff. Id PREFER to be no contact in general because this is miserable.

[HeartbrokenNewbie]

Mine left 8 weeks after we moved in too so I know how you feel... anyway I spent months avoiding the house and the memories and guess what... next weekend Im starting the decorating because finally at last I am taking an interest again in 'my home' ... it will be rough for a while but you will get used to it x

[Els]

It's complicated again like I said I just want things to remain civil.

 

Well, there is a fine line between remaining civil, and just letting people take advantage of you.

 

If he moves out all of a sudden when a lease that is partly in his name is still running, he still needs to pay rent. Him doing this wouldn't fly with any other platonic roommate so I don't know why you are putting up with it. Leaving a lease with no notice is not something that people can do on a whim with no financial consequences.

 

The point of my thread wasn't to discuss the logistics of the apartment, I am overwhelmed with that thought and I know its going to take time to figure out the best approach and of course this forums advice as well, but concern right now is what to do in the mean time, how to void myself of the loneliness, keep myself on track. Should I get a second job? I work 40 hours a week plus commute and I am tired often, but maybe thatll help?

 

The thing is that the logistics are a huge part of your issue at the moment. With some money you could go out with friends, meet people, cook good nutritious food, etc, and resume some normalcy in life. Coping with a breakup is going to be a lot easier if you're not simultaneously coping with a depleting bank balance.

[BUBS]

Thank you all for your advice. You are right, there is a thin line and I know in a lot of ways I am being taken advantage of. I guess because I am keeping the apartment I manipulated myself or he did into believing he is deserving of these things. However in my heart I know that isnt true and I'm just trying to avoid conflict because my anxiety is already off the charts, I'm sad and overwhelmed and I just want it to be over so I can focus on regaining my strength.

 

I haven't heard from him since Sunday morning when I initially told him I wanted to keep the place and he said that he would need his money because hes getting his own place then. He was cold and shut off to me as if I had been the one to break up with him, just genuinely awful. He said he would come by and get a book bag later, and when I returned from my grandmothers in the evening I texted him and asked if he had come by to get anything while I was out to which he replied " No I'm not coming through tonight, I have things here".

 

That was the last I heard anything. I did ask him to try and be more compassionate to the fact that while the apartment details and what not werent important that we needed a little space before we got into it all to calm down, so perhaps thats why he isnt rushing to come even pack a bookbag for a few things. I'm not sure. I am relieved I havent heard from him if anything despite the fact that utility bills are now coming in to which he is responsible for half of it (thatll be a fight in itself) ... but I have terrible anxiety because I know that ill hear from him soon and he will be even more cold and shut down. I don't understand any of it. Why hes acting so angry and harsh.

 

When I said this he said "I'm not angry I'm just relaying the facts"... like a robot.

[HeartbrokenNewbie]

He's not going to discuss anything with you he has shut off and if you push you will push him away. I know this makes you feel like a total low life (mine done the same) but this is not a reflection on you its on him.

 

He is shutting you out as a coping mechanism and also the guilt but that wont last forever the best thing you can do it try and get on with things and leave him be x Its a sh*t situation though x

[Zahara]

I feel bad for you BUBS. He's getting a sweet deal by getting out of a lease with no repercussions, infact getting his deposit back from you while you sit there miserable.

 

I think you need to be a little bit more assetive and stop allowing him to make all the decisions. Pack up all his things and place them in a corner. Make a list of all the items he will be getting and those that you will be keeping. He gets to have his things there for as long as he's paid the rent but after that his things will be on the curb. He has to get the furniture by then as well. Send it via email so you have everything in writing. Start the ball rolling. The sooner you get all this sorted, the sooner you can start grieving and moving forward with your life. Make sure you speak to your rental office about the lease.

 

Start being forceful and assertive. Sitting around and being meek asking if he got his bookbag is you showing him that you're accommodating and appeasing him. And aholes like him will take advantage of that. You're still being civil but enforcing your boundaries and your rules.

[Elle1975]

I agree with Zahara.. assert yourself a little more. I totally understand not wanting to stress yourself, however, you can't let him get away with something like that with no consequences. I am not talking about retaliation. I just think he needs to understand he's not a teenager anymore, and real life calls for being responsible.

 

As for the furniture, unless they're really not expensive, I'd let go of let's say a TV before I let go of a bed. Money wise, it would be smarter.

[BUBS]

Thank you all. I agree with you I do need to be more assertive, everything is still so fresh and emotional for me, I've found I am doing anything I can to just not add to it. I'm sure within a few days especially if he continues with the disgusting attitude and behavior I will find the strength in me to stand up. As for the things yes the tv was only 450 and the bed was 600 plus a 50 dollar frame and taxes, but he tries to rationalize that I will be keeping all of the little things in the house on top of it and so forth, for example of the kitchen stuff, the coffee table, the rug. I agree I'd MUCH prefer to have the bed versus the tv, I just am so exhausted with it all.