so gutted Posted June 16, 2014 Posted June 16, 2014 Had first date yesterday. It was a coffee, he wants a second date (dinner). There is a 5 year age gap - i am 5 years older then him. He is early thirties. He asked me what I'm looking for. He previously dated a girl for 4 months who wanted marriage and he didn't, she then married someone else. He said 4 months was too soon. Is he right? How could he let someone slip away like that to marry a stranger? He said he wants to date. Again no unreasonable but i think this means physical intimacy. I feel a bit pressurised as i think he wants sex rather then a relationship. I want to go with the flow and date him But how can i clarify im not after sex only?
mammasita Posted June 16, 2014 Posted June 16, 2014 You say you're not looking for a casual relationship and follow through with actions.
Zahara Posted June 16, 2014 Posted June 16, 2014 Yes, 4 months is too soon to be expecting marriage. How could he let someone slip away like that to marry a stranger? It could be because he's not the kind to jump into a lifelong commitment after only being with someone for 4 months. You don't really know someone in that short period of time. Go on date #2 and #3 and enjoy his company. If you feel it getting a little more serious and you both are into each other and wanting to pursue more dates, it would be perfectly fine to state your wants and boundaries -- sex only happens with exclusivity and commitment. If those are your boundaries, then those are your boundaries. But be aware that a guy can also go with the flow until he gets what he wants from you. Dating and relationships are risks. There is no guarantee that even if you make a guy wait until he commits to you, that all will be fair and well. But the concept is that if a guy is willing to wait, then he's making an investment. If he can't be bothered, then he'll be on his way. Date. But have your boundaries in place. Stand by them. Express them. A guy that likes you will stick around. It's really that simple. 2
d0nnivain Posted June 16, 2014 Posted June 16, 2014 Before your 2nd date you can't ask if he's only looking for sex. He'll think your bonkers. Go to dinner. Talk to him. I am 5 years older than my husband & my mom was 5 years older than my dad. 5 years at this stage of life is nothing. I agree with him that 4 months is too soon to get married. I'm not sure that it's too soon to talk about the subject in general but it would be too soon for a conversation about do you want to marry me? There's no need to put the cart before the horse. Have dinner. Perhaps have a 3rd, 4th . . . 10th date. If he's still there, he's not only looking for sex. 1
MidwestUSA Posted June 16, 2014 Posted June 16, 2014 I don't see where he said or did anything that indicates he's going to pressure you for intimacy. Of course dating can lead to intimacy, and hopefully does if all goes well. You were disappointed with the last guy because you went on three or four dates and he didn't make a move on you. I can't tell what you want - an instant relationship without dating? You seem to equate dating with sex, or pressure to have sex. Good for him for letting that girl 'slip away'. No one should be put under that kind of timeline. You think he should have married her at four months? Add me to the five year older club. 1
Glinda.Good Posted June 16, 2014 Posted June 16, 2014 If you like him, date him. If he starts to pressure you for sex, DO NOT have sex with him. Deciding to have sex because of being pressured is no good. 1
Author so gutted Posted June 16, 2014 Author Posted June 16, 2014 I don't see where he said or did anything that indicates he's going to pressure you for intimacy. Of course dating can lead to intimacy, and hopefully does if all goes well. You were disappointed with the last guy because you went on three or four dates and he didn't make a move on you. I can't tell what you want - an instant relationship without dating? You seem to equate dating with sex, or pressure to have sex. Good for him for letting that girl 'slip away'. No one should be put under that kind of timeline. You think he should have married her at four months? Add me to the five year older club. He asked indirectly about my last relationship and then intimacy. He also dropped in that he can do massages. He seemed quite touchy feelie.. I put on my profile no 1 nightera etc and he picked up on that in a good way.. I would just like to date for a while before intimacy but doubt he will go for that. He asked me what i was looking for, i said i guess to date.. He said he had no set agenda..
MidwestUSA Posted June 16, 2014 Posted June 16, 2014 He asked indirectly about my last relationship and then intimacy. He also dropped in that he can do massages. He seemed quite touchy feelie.. I put on my profile no 1 nightera etc and he picked up on that in a good way.. I would just like to date for a while before intimacy but doubt he will go for that. He asked me what i was looking for, i said i guess to date.. He said he had no set agenda.. Minor detail there about the intimacy question that you left out of your first post. What did he ask and how did he ask it? Nothing wrong with a good massage. On it's own, I wouldn't read too much into that. 'Doubt he will go for that'. Why are you so negative? Have you been working on your self esteem? Again, the last guy moved too slow for your liking, you're already projecting that this one will move too fast! Just relax, go on a second date, and see what happens.
Zahara Posted June 16, 2014 Posted June 16, 2014 He asked indirectly about my last relationship and then intimacy. He also dropped in that he can do massages. He seemed quite touchy feelie.. I put on my profile no 1 nightera etc and he picked up on that in a good way.. I would just like to date for a while before intimacy but doubt he will go for that. He asked me what i was looking for, i said i guess to date.. He said he had no set agenda.. Hmm...first date and he's already talking about him giving massages? I'm not liking that. If you want to date without initimacy, then do just that. Don't speak for him as you don't even know that he'll take reject that.
Author so gutted Posted June 16, 2014 Author Posted June 16, 2014 Hmm...first date and he's already talking about him giving massages? I'm not liking that. If you want to date without initimacy, then do just that. Don't speak for him as you don't even know that he'll take reject that. Yes it made me uneasy. So what do i do when he mentions again, is it harmless flirting?
Author so gutted Posted June 16, 2014 Author Posted June 16, 2014 Also he has not contacted me today, 1 day after the date!
Zahara Posted June 16, 2014 Posted June 16, 2014 Yes it made me uneasy. So what do i do when he mentions again, is it harmless flirting? It could be harmless flirting. You have to define that yourself. Personally, I'd be wary about that. There are things you just don't do or say on a first date. I think one should be smart enough to leave conversations of that nature out of the picture for awhile until some sort of rapport is established. I do wonder if he did that to check your reaction -- in that if you'd flirt back and that would be a sign that things could progress a little faster for him. If it were me, I wouldn't say anything if he made another suggestive remark at the next date. I'd smile and laugh it off. I'd let him show me who he really is because a guy that wants to present a good impression and has noble intent, will have the common sense to speak to you respectfully, pathing conversations more in terms of getting to know you during those first few dates. Goodness, you haven't even held hands yet and he's talking about massages. It's only 1 day after the date. It's fine. Don't read too much into it. 1
clia Posted June 17, 2014 Posted June 17, 2014 He asked me what I'm looking for. He previously dated a girl for 4 months who wanted marriage and he didn't, she then married someone else. He said 4 months was too soon. Is he right? How could he let someone slip away like that to marry a stranger? Is he looking for marriage at all, or just not at four months? I don't know that this guy is compatible with what you want; you seem to want to get married fairly quickly. He said he wants to date. Again no unreasonable but i think this means physical intimacy. Yes, dating usually means some form of physical intimacy. I feel a bit pressurised as i think he wants sex rather then a relationship. I want to go with the flow and date him But how can i clarify im not after sex only? Don't have sex with him. Not kidding. Don't go back to his place, don't invite him back to your place. Don't put yourself in the position where sex is on the table. Just set the pace for the relationship. If you feel pressured, end it. Also, when he asked you what you were looking for, it would have been a great opportunity to express that you were looking for a relationship that would lead to marriage, just to make it crystal clear. He asked me what i was looking for, i said i guess to date.. But that's not what you are looking for. Why did you lie? Also he has not contacted me today, 1 day after the date! As many people have expressed to you in the past, your expectations are way out of line for how well you know this guy. You've had one date with him. It's perfectly normal to go a day or two or three without contact when you are first getting to know someone. He is probably dating other women. Slow down.
central Posted June 17, 2014 Posted June 17, 2014 4 months is much too soon to talk about marriage, IMO, other than discussing if marriage is something you/they want in the future with the right person, simply to establish whether or not it is in their plans and eventual intention, whether or not it works out with YOU. Serious discussion about marriage should not take place before a year of dating, and actual marriage should not occur before three years - IMO - with at least one year of living together first. Taking it slow helps avoid the worst mistakes that occur while still under the influence of new relationship hormones.
Author so gutted Posted June 19, 2014 Author Posted June 19, 2014 Went on a second date and it was interesting but I have a few concerns. He trying to hug me going up the escalator in a mall, it felt half good but i hate public displays for cultural reasons. He was married before for 5 years 10 years ago, no love platonic. He mentioned he was physically attracted to me. He made a few jokes, such as "i haven't cum yet" etc. At one point I think he rubbed his penis on me, in a backwards hug - again in public! At the end of the date he hugged me and wanted to kiss me, i said no and laughed. He asked me what I'm looking for, I said its too early to put labels on things so i will just see how it goes. He said if something develops good if not no hard feelings. This was a second date. Am I getting nervous in general or is he after 1 thing? We had dinner (he paid) coffee after (i paid). He previously said he wants to date me. Does dating mean physical ? Or is he saying dating but meaning something else.
todreaminblue Posted June 19, 2014 Posted June 19, 2014 sometimes when guys give backward hugs ......they arent thinking of or with their penis and its proximity to you, did he have a hard on.....if he did he knew what his penis was thinking and it was wanting to pat you......i am being serious if it was hard he would have realized that..and he should have kept a polite non penis distance........otherwise its iffy he even was thinking with it if it wasnt at attention going i wanna pat and be patted....pat me pat meeeeee...d.eb 1
Author so gutted Posted June 19, 2014 Author Posted June 19, 2014 sometimes when guys give backward hugs ......they arent thinking of or with their penis and its proximity to you, did he have a hard on.....if he did he knew what his penis was thinking and it was wanting to pat you......i am being serious if it was hard he would have realized that..and he should have kept a polite non penis distance........otherwise its iffy he even was thinking with it if it wasnt at attention going i wanna pat and be patted....pat me pat meeeeee...d.eb I'm struggling not to laugh.. It was hard but wasnt near me for long at all.
todreaminblue Posted June 19, 2014 Posted June 19, 2014 I'm struggling not to laugh.. It was hard but wasnt near me for long at all. smilin back....glad i made you smile ..... .if it wasnt long at all that you felt it he might have got frisky on point of contact...... like an instant thing.......but...in saying that....if a guy does that to me...ill move away and say....... down boy......trying to not make them uncomfortable but to let them now i am not up for patting.....or stroking his anatomy or ego for that matter.........also letting him now i am not a retiring violet....who is ever going to let his pup rub himself on my backside.... if a guy gets touchy i then start to talk about random things.....like a morgue, forensics maths, politics, starving children in the sudan or a science experiment or how i had to cut off a chickens head in agriculture at school and failed.....to dissect the head clean...or skin grafts ...something to make the pup sit down.....if a guy comes back for a third date after knowing i am not the sure thing he thought i was,then i know he might be worth consideriing.....smilin...good luck ....deb
Assasda Posted June 19, 2014 Posted June 19, 2014 ^ Yeah, the guy knew what he was doing. He doesnt sound like a gentleman at all. This guy sounds like a straight up loser. You have a reason to be uncomfortable. Trust your gut. Sounds like he may just be after sex with the needy "What are you looking for?" line 1
Author so gutted Posted June 19, 2014 Author Posted June 19, 2014 smilin back....glad i made you smile ..... .if it wasnt long at all that you felt it he might have got frisky on point of contact...... like an instant thing.......but...in saying that....if a guy does that to me...ill move away and say....... down boy......trying to not make them uncomfortable but to let them now i am not up for patting.....or stroking his anatomy or ego for that matter.........also letting him now i am not a retiring violet....who is ever going to let his pup rub himself on my backside.... if a guy gets touchy i then start to talk about random things.....like a morgue, forensics maths, politics, starving children in the sudan or a science experiment or how i had to cut off a chickens head in agriculture at school and failed.....to dissect the head clean...or skin grafts ...something to make the pup sit down.....if a guy comes back for a third date after knowing i am not the sure thing he thought i was,then i know he might be worth consideriing.....smilin...good luck ....deb Wow! Yes it may have been an accident but his need is there. He said he was physically attracted to me not attracted ( singular).. I feel i need to know more about him but its pretty clear he wants more in a different way. If i want a relationship its not going to be slow or platonic at first its all happening too fast. He will not slow down. Is this the age thing?
MidwestUSA Posted June 19, 2014 Posted June 19, 2014 Wow! Yes it may have been an accident but his need is there. He said he was physically attracted to me not attracted ( singular).. I feel i need to know more about him but its pretty clear he wants more in a different way. If i want a relationship its not going to be slow or platonic at first its all happening too fast. He will not slow down. Is this the age thing? I have to ask, again, what are you looking for? The last guy didn't make a move in four dates, and you expressed disappointment that he never touched you. You're really confusing. What is 'the age thing'? IIRC, there's not a big age difference.
todreaminblue Posted June 19, 2014 Posted June 19, 2014 Wow! Yes it may have been an accident but his need is there. He said he was physically attracted to me not attracted ( singular).. I feel i need to know more about him but its pretty clear he wants more in a different way. If i want a relationship its not going to be slow or platonic at first its all happening too fast. He will not slow down. Is this the age thing? i dont know how old he is and how old you are, but age is not in any way a thing to consider when it comes to respect, men of any age need to show it to women of any age......allowing himself to give in to his physical desire or attraction to you shows to me a lack of respect and a selfishness....not caring how you felt about his thing rubbing up against you...it could have been an accident but the "physically attracted to you" is a red flag for me.....not i really care about you or i have fun with you or i really enjoy our dates.....or i am so glad we are spending time together...when i told my ex i liked him after he had been pursuing me...he simply smiled and he said i have always liked you tha was after i was a chicken and requested him a song ..........and the way he looked at me i knew he was attracted to me and that like me thing...was more than like......a softness in his eyes a respect and he didnt look at anyone else all night....but me....and he didnt put his penis near me to be patted ...he did hug me a alot though with guys i try to be upfront as possible so there is no thought of anything but what i am comfortable with ...i love affection hugs and such...but keep the pup on a leash i aint patting it..... and treat me with respect or i bite it off....kidding...i stomp on their feet accidently instead....nicely of course...like a lady with a sweet smile and a shoulder pat and an apology well meant..... i dont think this guy is long term if he was he would have apologized, if he coudl see you were uncomfortable.....dont let him pull the moves next time.........deb
Author so gutted Posted June 19, 2014 Author Posted June 19, 2014 I have to ask, again, what are you looking for? The last guy didn't make a move in four dates, and you expressed disappointment that he never touched you. You're really confusing. What is 'the age thing'? IIRC, there's not a big age difference. I want to have a courtship that leads to marriage. Just kissing would be enough for me until after marriage. I feel guilty afterwards and back off if more happens. 1
MidwestUSA Posted June 19, 2014 Posted June 19, 2014 I want to have a courtship that leads to marriage. Just kissing would be enough for me until after marriage. I feel guilty afterwards and back off if more happens. Okay, that explains it in a good straightforward way. Thanks! 1
spiderowl Posted June 19, 2014 Posted June 19, 2014 His jokes are sleazy and grabbing you while his penis is erect after only one date is a bit disrespectful. I don't know what you expect from a guy but the minute he made that joke, I would have walked. 5
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