Am I in a relationship?

[Atem]

Hey there,

 

I have a weird question which is a function of me really not being the relationship type of guy - in fact, I've only had one serious relationship in my entire life which ended 5+ years ago and have since, at most, casually dated with women for up to 2-3 months.

 

I started seeing this girl about 2 months ago and she was pretty into me and we had a good time.

 

After a few dates, she starts moving closer, holding hands, cuddling, etc. and then, about 1 month in, when I went on a business trip to Paris, she basically made it clear that she wants exclusivity. I said ok and have been fine with it ever since.

 

With that said, I have been told that I am a pretty cold guy (not on purpose), so I don't usually reach out to hold hands, I don't send many texts and I am pretty much in the "live and let live" mode. So far this worked out well because she went on a few trips with friends, etc. and I had no problem with it. However, she kept reaching for my hand and did other endearing moves like that which I, to be fully honest, didn't fully reciprocate because it is not in my nature. To be fair, I did tell her that I'm pretty cold when we started dating.

 

So, over the past 2 weeks, I discovered that we have almost nothing in common. We don't like the same music, don't like the same movies, have pretty different interests, different career aspirations, different morals and world views even. Also, I had my first "bad day" because my company is dicking me around with my bonus this year and, while we didn't fight, I think that we both pulled back from each other a bit on that day.

 

This weekend I had school and din't text her at all because I was busy and, to be fully honest, didn't feel like it. Also, she had a friend over, so I figured she'd be busy. She was silent too and I pinged her about meeting up early this week since she'll leave for another wedding on Wednesday.

 

Now - we're exclusive and like each other (despite the differences mentioned above), so I'm wondering whether we're in a relationship or not since we haven't assigned a name to it yet.

 

It may or may not matter anyway because I'm not sure this'll work out but I wanted to check how these things usually go since I've been out of that dating game for a very long time.

 

What do you guys think?

[d0nnivain]

The exclusivity talk means yes you are in a relationship. What do you think it meant?

 

If you don't like this woman & have no shared values, perhaps you need to address this now rather than months from now when it will hurt her more to end it.

[mammasita]

The exclusivity talk means yes you are in a relationship. What do you think it meant?

 

If you don't like this woman & have no shared values, perhaps you need to address this now rather than months from now when it will hurt her more to end it.

 

I disagree - being exclusive doesn't necessarily mean you are in a relationship. That just means you are not seing others.

 

You can be exclusive without deciding to pursue a relationship....however being in a relationship implies exclusivity.

 

To answer your question OP, you have to let this girl know where you stand. If you're not into her.....pick up and move on before she gets in too deep.

[Atem]

It's not that I don't want her. Oddly-enough I do.

 

But then again, I don't think we mesh well together and I think she's in the same boat.

 

I guess the question is even broader that whether we're in a relationship - it's probly more like: Should we be in a relationship or split now?

 

Always thought that, unless you find someone who's close to a perfect fit, you shouldn't pursue because the chances of it blowing up are very high.

 

That said, for some reason, I think I do have some feelings for this girl and I think it's mutual, so I'm torn.

 

What makes things worse is that we're currently both pulling back, which I guess dooms this anyway - unless I just bring up the topic and we talk (though I'm not sure that'll yield good results)?

 

Again - really new to this and mostly looking to save myself from screwing up in a way that'll cause me emotional pain (I know it's selfish but wth...).

 

What do you guys think? Should I broach the topic or just let it fizzle out by itself?

[d0nnivain]

If you want to save & grow whatever it is you have, you need to talk to her.

 

If you don't care if it dies, do nothing & let it fizzle.

[mammasita]

It's not that I don't want her. Oddly-enough I do.

 

But then again, I don't think we mesh well together and I think she's in the same boat.

 

I guess the question is even broader that whether we're in a relationship - it's probly more like: Should we be in a relationship or split now?

 

Always thought that, unless you find someone who's close to a perfect fit, you shouldn't pursue because the chances of it blowing up are very high.

 

That said, for some reason, I think I do have some feelings for this girl and I think it's mutual, so I'm torn.

 

What makes things worse is that we're currently both pulling back, which I guess dooms this anyway - unless I just bring up the topic and we talk (though I'm not sure that'll yield good results)?

 

Again - really new to this and mostly looking to save myself from screwing up in a way that'll cause me emotional pain (I know it's selfish but wth...).

 

What do you guys think? Should I broach the topic or just let it fizzle out by itself?

 

Bottom line - you have to communicate, otherwise no matter what you decide to do (pursue a relationship or not - especially if you decide relationship), you are doomed.

[Atem]

Gotcha - so, in essence, next time we meet, I should lay the cards on the table and essentially see how it goes (i.e. whether she's in or out)?

 

Sounds kinda like an ultimatuum approach which, I'd imagine, rarely works (?) but hey - I think it's fair at this point because I feel like I'm getting close to emotional investment in this girl and don't want to be negatively surprised down the road.

[juicygirl]

Ask your girlfriend!

[mortensorchid]

I agree that you are in fact in a relationship.

 

 

However, you are questioning it for the reasons you listed. You said you don't have things in common and it's bothering you. I think you both are wanting to be with each other because you both want to be with someone, but that is not reason enough. At the end of the day, if you still want to be together it's not because you just don't want to be alone but because you want to be with that person in particular. And it sounds like you don't want to be with that person in particular.

 

 

Reassess this.

[Michelle ma Belle]

It's not that I don't want her. Oddly-enough I do.

 

But then again, I don't think we mesh well together and I think she's in the same boat.

 

I guess the question is even broader that whether we're in a relationship - it's probly more like: Should we be in a relationship or split now?

 

Always thought that, unless you find someone who's close to a perfect fit, you shouldn't pursue because the chances of it blowing up are very high.

 

That said, for some reason, I think I do have some feelings for this girl and I think it's mutual, so I'm torn.

 

What makes things worse is that we're currently both pulling back, which I guess dooms this anyway - unless I just bring up the topic and we talk (though I'm not sure that'll yield good results)?

 

Again - really new to this and mostly looking to save myself from screwing up in a way that'll cause me emotional pain (I know it's selfish but wth...).

 

What do you guys think? Should I broach the topic or just let it fizzle out by itself?

 

You need to get the idea that anyone or any relationship will ever be "perfect". There is no such thing.

 

This place is littered with people who thought their partners were the "perfect" fit or close to it and now they're lurking on threads wondering how to mend their broken hearts.

 

Listen, it's simple. Do you want to make it work with this girl or not? If you feel something for her then STOP over analyzing things and just go for it. You're going to crash and burn plenty of relationships in your lifetime so why not take a chance?

 

I would also take the advice mammasita gave you and COMMUNICATE with her. Lay all the cards on the table and find out what you think you have; a relationship or not.

 

Oh and from a woman's perspective, if you're going to label what you have as a "relationship", you might have to brush up on your wooing and warm and fuzzy skills regarding her. It's fine if you're dating someone that is a cold fish like you but if she's not, you'll run into some issues.

 

Relationships are a give and take and requires you to sometimes step outside your comfort zone in order to make the other person happy.

 

Good luck.

[Atem]

Thx Michelle - I'll heed your advice and will talk to her today.

 

With that said - as I mentioned, we had a bad day last Thursday because her review went poorly (not in terms of performance but in terms of no raise...) and my firm cut some of my bonuses. After that she turned all distant, NC over the weekend, and then very slow and tepid responses yesterday.

 

She claims that she's ultra busy because she has to get a ton of stuff done prior to leaving for her brother's wedding on Wednesday. Personally, I think that's a whole lot of bull**** because we all know how little time a coffe chat or a text take - it all comes down to willingness.

 

So, it seems like the drifting apart thing is mutual which makes it very likely that I'll actually end it tonight by saying that I don't like the way things after Thursday went.

 

Regarding power balance - whatever happens, I think bringing this topic up puts me at a disadvantage, don't you think? Or least that's how it always was in casual dating - the one who cared less was always more powerful....

 

In any case - let's see how it goes.

[Atem]

*UPDATE*

 

So, here's what happened after my last post - pleae give me your input becuase I'm thoroughly lost here.

 

I met the girl (she didn't want to meet at first but I told her that we should). She shows up 15 min. late and all cold and then goes along on an extremely lame "date" with me which drsgs on for an hour with neither of us feeling it. Then I finally broach the topic of where the hell we stand. She says that she didn't know how to bring it up but that she has serious doubts regarding whether we're a fit. I tell her that her cold, uncaring attitude towards my job-related concerns annoyed me and she starts crying. We talk for a while and I tell her to communicate with me instead of letting doubts and random thoughts torment her. At first she cries but then - after about 30 min. or so - she finally does talk. Basically, she was taken aback by my bad mood and freaked. I told her that that's ridiculous and she asks whether we can resume our relationship (BF/GF). I say fine and she grabs my hand and we end up kissing and ****ing that night.

 

She then leaves for 1 week for her brother's wedding but we stay in touch via text daily and things seem well. She gets back late at 3am on a Tuesday morning and we meet up the next day. I bring her a gift for her Bday and suggest a celebration but she says no claimign that she's nto feeling too well. Here's when things get annoying:

1. She didn't shower before she saw me which I find a bit gross

2. She brought me 2 pseudo "gifts" - 1 bag of leftover candied nuts and 1 bag of taffys (despite the fact that she had asked me via text whether I liked taffys and I had responsed with a no)

3. She gets all annoyed when I tell her that her lack of effort is pretty annoying

 

Later that evening we get to my palce and she starts crying again claiming that we have nothing in common and that she's putting too much presure on herself to make things work. I tell her that she's being ridiculous and that things are ok. She calms down. Nevertheless, we have a nice night, have sex and she stays over until 3am at which point I had to catch a train for NYC (she stayed that long just to be with me).

 

So I leave and we text the next day. then I take an early train to DC to see her (while carrying cupcakes as a gift from my friend for her Bday) and ask to see her. She says that she cant because she's seeing a friend (mind you, she had said that she'd be studying at home that night...) and sugests for me to come over the next day for a brief dinner until 9:30pm at which point her other friend will come visit her.

 

At that point, I basically tell her that I've had it with her bull**** and uncaring attitude (crappy gifts, ****ty attitude, crying for no reason) and that I want her to finally decide whether she wants to be with me for real of not (because if she's half-assing it, I don't want to easte my time).

 

She apologizes and suggests meeting on Sudnay or next week. To that, I tell her that I'd prefer to wait until after July 4 and leave it at that.

 

That was 2 days ago and we've had no contact ever since.

 

Here's the deal - I kinda like her BUT at the same time almsot everything about her (basically her attitude) pisses me off!

 

So 2 questions:

 

1. Did I overreact?

 

2. Do I drop her or stay in the game (keep in mind that preserving myself from unnecessary emotional pain is my priamry objective)?

 

Thanks for bearing with this long post.

[travelbug1996]

you told her you were cold and she proceeded? shame on her. most women want physical affection so find someone cold like yourself and you'll be a perfect match. ijs

[Atem]

you told her you were cold and she proceeded? shame on her. most women want physical affection so find someone cold like yourself and you'll be a perfect match. ijs

 

Sigh - I am giving physical affection and she herself told me that I treat her incredibly well and that she hasn't really felt any cold-ness from my end.

 

I'd say she's the cold one at the moment whcih is what i pissing me off because it took me 2 months to ease into this relationship and warm up while the exact opposite seems to be happening with her.

 

That's the odd part

[travelbug1996]

Oh ok. that's effed up then. I would suggest giving her some space and see if she'll come your way.

[Michelle ma Belle]

*UPDATE*

 

Here's the deal - I kinda like her BUT at the same time almsot everything about her (basically her attitude) pisses me off!

 

Sounds like true love

 

Seriously, I think this says it all.

[Atem]

Sounds like true love

 

Seriously, I think this says it all.

 

Besides the point Michelle.

 

I was asking whether I did something that may have caused her weird response and not whether this is true love.

 

Btw - it's her Bday party tonights hwich I missed due to grad school, so I sent her a nice note.

[DArtagnan2]

if I can make a guess, she is seeing someone else.

 

You have tried, she appears to keep being hot and cold, and you continue to try. I think its probably best to let it go.

 

Sorry.

[Atem]

Oh ok. that's effed up then. I would suggest giving her some space and see if she'll come your way.

 

Well I sent her a nice note since it's her Bday party tonight which I'm missing due to grad school in NYC.

 

With that said, I don't plan any more follow ups. Not sure why this went from hot to cold but no need to overanalyze now, is there?

[Atem]

if I can make a guess, she is seeing someone else.

 

You have tried, she appears to keep being hot and cold, and you continue to try. I think its probably best to let it go.

 

Sorry.

 

You think? Seems a bit difficult given all of the family and friends' weddings that she's been going to lately.

 

Funny thing - she said that I'm the first guy with whom she's had sex in over a year (and she just turned 30).

 

Who knows whether that's right or not. Overall a pretty weird episode. Anyway, live and learn.

[Michelle ma Belle]

Besides the point Michelle.

 

I was asking whether I did something that may have caused her weird response and not whether this is true love.

 

Btw - it's her Bday party tonights hwich I missed due to grad school, so I sent her a nice note.

 

I was being hyperbolic with the true love comment.

 

As a woman, reading your comment about "kinda" liking her but "almost everything about her pisses you off" makes me wonder why on earth you're even with her.

 

Is it the sex? Is that what keeps you going back for more with this woman?

 

If that's how you really feel about her then perhaps she senses it and is acting accordingly.

 

Regardless, I think it was good to have put it out there asking her to basically sh*t or get off the pot regarding being with you BUT I don't think you're quite as innocent in all of this as you might think. I think you still have work to do on yourself if this has a chance of working out.

 

Good luck.

[Atem]

I was being hyperbolic with the true love comment.

 

As a woman, reading your comment about "kinda" liking her but "almost everything about her pisses you off" makes me wonder why on earth you're even with her.

 

Is it the sex? Is that what keeps you going back for more with this woman?

 

If that's how you really feel about her then perhaps she senses it and is acting accordingly.

 

Regardless, I think it was good to have put it out there asking her to basically sh*t or get off the pot regarding being with you BUT I don't think you're quite as innocent in all of this as you might think. I think you still have work to do on yourself if this has a chance of working out.

 

Good luck.

 

To be honest, I don't know what's drawing me to her.

 

The sex is good but not the best I've had, her interests are bland, her personality is so PC that it drives me nuts,...etc. I could go on forever listing her cons here with only a few pros to counter them.

 

I guess - and I'm being fully honest here - I just like having someone care about me and vice versa. Maybe to the extent that I was willing to overlook all of these obvious "no-go" signs for a while just to have that someone.

 

I know I know, sounds pathetic, dumb and wrong but - in my defense - I travel a LOT and I'm now doing an exec. MBA at Columbia which ties up my entire Saturdays as well. So, in essence, I am out 6 days a week and barely have any contact with friends, so I guess that + the lack of close personal contact made me stay in this for longer than I should have.

 

Funny thing is that I wanted to fix it by talking but I actually never told her that I really care for her or love her (go forbid) because this mushy crap is against my nature and, quite frankly, because I did not want to hear rejection in addition to the low reciprocity that I've already been getting lately.

 

In any case - I've decided to end it tonight and I'm pretty sure she won't be too broken up about it either.

 

Relationships are way harder than work and schoolwork combined, I'm finding. I had been on the "sleep around" train for the past 5 years and now that I got a taste of the "relationship wagon", I realize that I'm not even close to ready for that...

[DArtagnan2]

I hear ya about relationships seeming to be harder then school and work combined. I worked full-time and went full-time to school through my bachelors and Masters. it certainly can be tough, and even tougher when you try with someone you know is most likely not compatible with you.

 

Don't be too hard on yourself about not being ready for a relationship. I think the fact you want one, means you are willing and ready, but one thing you can't expect is to have one with just anyone that you meet. It will still be hard when you do meet that person that fits, but it won't seem to be nearly impossible like this one appeared to be.

 

Keep your mind, eyes and heart open because all this did was give you a little insight to what you want and don't want in a partner. learn and grow from it.

 

Hang in there.

[Atem]

I hear ya about relationships seeming to be harder then school and work combined. I worked full-time and went full-time to school through my bachelors and Masters. it certainly can be tough, and even tougher when you try with someone you know is most likely not compatible with you.

 

Don't be too hard on yourself about not being ready for a relationship. I think the fact you want one, means you are willing and ready, but one thing you can't expect is to have one with just anyone that you meet. It will still be hard when you do meet that person that fits, but it won't seem to be nearly impossible like this one appeared to be.

 

Keep your mind, eyes and heart open because all this did was give you a little insight to what you want and don't want in a partner. learn and grow from it.

 

Hang in there.

 

Apprecite the kind post.

 

I'm definitely ok and feel upbeat actually - got a 96% on my accounting and a 97% on my stats midterms - ok enough bragging now

 

Sorry if I sound "down" because I'm not - I'm just surprised that the incompatibility was so hard to spot for me

 

AND

 

that I hung in there and tried to make it work even after I realized that we're a "no-go".

 

Guess I'll have to be more honest and strict with myself from now on.

 

That said, I do consider myself lucky still because this break-up will be light on both sides, so no heart ache likely

 

By the way - sicne you've been through the work + school thing - any advice on:

 

a. Where to find women who are likely like-minded (i.e. can tolerate my crazy schedule)

b. How to spot early-on whether a certain woman has long-term intentions and potential?

[DArtagnan2]

I didn't think you were down about the breakup, just disappointed that you really want that someone in your life right now and that no matter what effort you put in, you knew you weren't going to get that from this one. I know that feeling. I took a lot from some girls I dated just because I wanted someone in my life to feel like I was cared about in some manner because I spent a lot of time alone. I punched myself in the face afterwards because I knew better the whole time.

 

As for dating while I was in school and working. I actually moved out of state to go to college so all my focus could be on school and work. I also wasn't in a big city anymore when I went to school as it was a small town in Kansas. I did date a couple of girls from where I worked when I first moved there. One was just for a few months during the first summer and the other lasted almost two years with us living together for over a year. After that ended though, I spent most of my free time with my dog at the lake or just driving unless I went home for the weekend.

 

So I wish I could say do this or do that, but after that last relationship, I just wasn't looking anymore. I myself didn't make the time or have a lot of opportunities given where I went to school. I walked with my head down and eyes /heart closed and decided to just focus on my career. Which is why I said to not do that. So I was lucky enough to meet the last girl I dated even though it did end after a couple of years.

 

How to spot whether she has long term intentions or potential? Man, there is no way to really know until you get to know someone. There are some you can tell right away that they just don't gel with you, like with this one. So it seems like you know a bit more then you give yourself credit for, so I can only suggest to not ignore those signs or feelings you have anymore. When it doesn't feel right, it most likely isn't right for you. Don't always put it on youself that you must be the issue because of how you have been in the past. Be aware of what and who is around you. Keep your head up and eyes open where ever you are because you never know what you may find and you will most likely meet her when you least likely expect to. Continue to learn about your likes, dislikes, wants and needs when it comes to a relationship and don't settle for only a part of that just to have someone around because if you do, you may miss that person who does fit in to your life.

 

I hope this helps.