sillybint Posted June 16, 2014 Posted June 16, 2014 My ex (first and only love) recently moved to my hometown and after quite 'heated' conversations online, he drove over to my place at 2am and we made out his his car (we wanted to go all the way, but I stopped us, so we could decompress after just kissing to see if we're okay with it). Well, I've always found him incredibly sexy and him me - we broke up 4 years ago and have been on/off in terms of contact (usually when he has a gf I go awol because I can't cope with him being with someone else!). I can't stop thinking about us sleeping together and I can't get him off my mind, I'm even getting flashbacks of us making out haha. Am I mad for keeping this going? It's like, exes with benefits??
juicygirl Posted June 16, 2014 Posted June 16, 2014 Read what you wrote back to yourself and you'll have your answer.
firmness Posted June 17, 2014 Posted June 17, 2014 There seem to be two types of people in the world (and we all may be either or both at different times - to complicate things!) Person A has been hurt. Badly. They are very deeply emotionally scarred and never want to feel that way again. They come to sites like this for solace. It either takes them a long time to find peace, or they never find it. Some of them give advice to others to warn them of the emotional dangers of making the same mistakes they made. These are kind decent souls who want to spare others the same pain they experienced and may still be feeling. Listen to them. There is some wisdom to be had there. Person B has been hurt too. Badly. They have been very deeply emotionally scarred and never want to feel that way again. They come to sites like this for solace and they find it. Over time, their wounds heal, but the scar remains. And they realize that the worst outcome of all is to never take a risk again. To shelter themselves from any future pain - and in so doing they also shelter themselves from the lusty insanity that sometimes comes only a few times in one's life. So they close their eyes, take a deep breath, and fall backwards into it once again. These are also kind decent souls - but these folks want to give hope to those who feel stuck or are afraid to trust, to open up, to live. Listen to them. There is some wisdom to be had there. I think a lot of your question has to do with framing. If you ask it as "Disaster waiting to happen? Then you may just find that. You could also try to frame it as: "The next adventure of my life that is likely going to be short, but sweeeeet as hell because I will suck it up because I only have a limited number of years on this planet and I am lucky to have a sexy guy after me when all sorts of people will never have a slim chance at experiencing this amazing feeling so I am not afraid to take it even though it is going to hurt when it ends - amirite?" That's how I look at it and my heart and soul are seriously wounded and battle scarred. I am both Person A and Person B at the same time. You will be too some day I suspect. As time goes on though, I think any wise person moves completely toward Person B. When we get really old, I suspect we would take a heartbreak in a second if it meant feeling that feeling again. Don't wait until you are old and wrinkly to feel this way. Just a thought... 1
Author sillybint Posted June 17, 2014 Author Posted June 17, 2014 There seem to be two types of people in the world (and we all may be either or both at different times - to complicate things!) Person A has been hurt. Badly. They are very deeply emotionally scarred and never want to feel that way again. They come to sites like this for solace. It either takes them a long time to find peace, or they never find it. Some of them give advice to others to warn them of the emotional dangers of making the same mistakes they made. These are kind decent souls who want to spare others the same pain they experienced and may still be feeling. Listen to them. There is some wisdom to be had there. Person B has been hurt too. Badly. They have been very deeply emotionally scarred and never want to feel that way again. They come to sites like this for solace and they find it. Over time, their wounds heal, but the scar remains. And they realize that the worst outcome of all is to never take a risk again. To shelter themselves from any future pain - and in so doing they also shelter themselves from the lusty insanity that sometimes comes only a few times in one's life. So they close their eyes, take a deep breath, and fall backwards into it once again. These are also kind decent souls - but these folks want to give hope to those who feel stuck or are afraid to trust, to open up, to live. Listen to them. There is some wisdom to be had there. I think a lot of your question has to do with framing. If you ask it as "Disaster waiting to happen? Then you may just find that. You could also try to frame it as: "The next adventure of my life that is likely going to be short, but sweeeeet as hell because I will suck it up because I only have a limited number of years on this planet and I am lucky to have a sexy guy after me when all sorts of people will never have a slim chance at experiencing this amazing feeling so I am not afraid to take it even though it is going to hurt when it ends - amirite?" That's how I look at it and my heart and soul are seriously wounded and battle scarred. I am both Person A and Person B at the same time. You will be too some day I suspect. As time goes on though, I think any wise person moves completely toward Person B. When we get really old, I suspect we would take a heartbreak in a second if it meant feeling that feeling again. Don't wait until you are old and wrinkly to feel this way. Just a thought... I am so glad you replied, thank you. This is where I'm stuck in the middle - the guy in question is without a doubt, a soul mate - we always end up in contact with each other even if it's a year later or 6 months later, we're somehow drawn to each other. I'm inclined to just give it a go even though the likelihood of me falling for him again (and him maintaining that he just wants to be friends) is pretty high - I can see it coming a mile off.... But, the sexual tension is just indescribable and I can't stop thinking about how amazing it would be. I've not slept with anyone other than him, so I think there's a strange poetry to the idea of him being the only man I've slept with (after 4 years of singledom). 1
d0nnivain Posted June 17, 2014 Posted June 17, 2014 If the issues that drove you apart the first time have been resolved & you both want to pursue a reconciliation that's one thing. Since you are so hung up on him a FWB situation is going to wind up with you getting more hurt because you are going to fall for him while he's just using you for convenient sex.
Author sillybint Posted June 17, 2014 Author Posted June 17, 2014 Yes, the issues that broke us up have been resolved. I don't see it as 'him using me for sex' when I'm the instigator - I told him to come to my house, he asked me 4 times if it's what I wanted and I said YES every time. Our conversations always end up sexual, usually I'm the one to turn them that way. I mean, come on - it's been four years guys, I'm pretty horny! I think this feels 'safe', because he's an ex - he knows what I like, I know what he likes - casual sex is never something I've engaged in, but because he's an ex, doesn't feel so... promiscuous haha. Yes, I am hung up on him, but I'm also really horny! Ha.
Trimmer Posted June 17, 2014 Posted June 17, 2014 I think a lot of the "is this a disaster" and "am I crazy for doing this" questions come down to more about how your relationship ended in the first place. If it was a hostile, nasty kind of situation, then you'd have to imagine there's a good chance that it would end up there again. Why did it not work, long term, the first time? Are you expecting anything different this time? If so, what's the basis of that different expectation, and how realistic do you think that is?
Author sillybint Posted June 17, 2014 Author Posted June 17, 2014 It was a mixture of things really, unbeknownst to me, I'd been struggling with clinical depression for the last 6 months of our relationship - which he didn't understand at all. He is also a bit younger than me and had a very demanding career, so instead of trying to work through it, he chose to leave. I don't blame him for leaving - he was about 22 at the time and I can't imagine how hard it must've been to see 'the love of his life' change so much and not in a good way. I became codependent and it scared him - quite rightly! lol. I'm better now, I'm pretty much back to my old self (with a much more enlightened outlook) but his career is still very demanding and takes him all over the world. He's said that 'we're not in the right place' - whatever that means (men have a really vague way of communicating some times!) so I know that he's not ready for a full blown relationship; hence the fwb scenario. I'm just a little anxious about the after effects of sleeping together. I don't know if I'll become attached to him again. I see him in a different way now; I'm not in love with him, but I definitely will love him forever... whether that is an issue, I don't know and I guess I won't know unless I try it....
Trimmer Posted June 18, 2014 Posted June 18, 2014 (edited) I'm just a little anxious about the after effects of sleeping together. I don't know if I'll become attached to him again. I see him in a different way now; I'm not in love with him, but I definitely will love him forever... whether that is an issue, I don't know and I guess I won't know unless I try it.... Well, whether you might "become attached to him" may be hard to predict. However, you should be prepared that the typical "successful" FWB situation is one in which both partners specifically avoid any emotional entanglements, so that when one or both decide to walk away, it's a pretty clean break, like two acquaintances saying goodbye. Your situation does not match this scenario, right from the start. You each have previous history with the other, and in most breakups, there's likely to be an imbalance in emotional investment (e.g. in your case, he left you...) so you're bringing some history into the new situation. So I think it's fair to say that the typical advice for FWB to be sure you don't get emotionally involved is already out the window... Buuuuut.... as firmness puts it above, if you can treat it like "this may be short and sweet, but it's an adventure that I want to have, and I'm prepared for anything, even maybe a rough ride out the other side..." If you are really looking to LIVE LIFE and have an adventure and you think it may be worth the excitement for a few bruises (metaphorically, people!) then I certainly wouldn't tell you that you have to play it safe. Just keep your eyes open, and your expectations broad. Edited June 18, 2014 by Trimmer
preraph Posted June 18, 2014 Posted June 18, 2014 I understand how that can happen. I had an ex kind of like that. We were fine working together or whatever -- until alone in a room together and then it was almost unstoppable because of the sexual chemistry. I had been badly hurt before by him. So I didn't want to get it started and get hurt again. So what I think you need to do is sit him down and talk to him instead of these fly-bys. Ask him what he's looking for and capable of. Chances are you'll find out he's just doing a booty call and still isn't ready to commit -- or that you're not because he's still irresponsible or whatever -- and that ought to be enough to cool your jets. I had to have that conversation with mine and it always turned out the same way. He wasn't ever going to commit to me. I was never going to be the one he'd settle down with (I didn't want kids for one thing). I think he loved me (we still communicate by email and are friendly after decades), but he was using his brain and I was using my heart. So I never did sleep with him again after the time he hurt me, but it was very very difficult and sometimes I regret it, I have to tell you, but I knew I'd be the one suffering from it not going anywhere, so....I put on the brakes.
Author sillybint Posted June 19, 2014 Author Posted June 19, 2014 I think I'm going to go for it and let the chips fall where they may. I don't want to live my life wondering 'what would it have been like' when I could easily say 'it was great, but not for me' or 'it was awesome and we did it many times!!' Thanks guys for your advice
Trimmer Posted June 19, 2014 Posted June 19, 2014 Just be careful with your expectations. The more specific, the narrower your fantasy of what the outcome might be, the more likely you are to find yourself "off track" at some point down the road. Remain open to any outcome, and you will be less likely to be surprised at finding yourself in unfamiliar territory.
bubbaganoosh Posted June 20, 2014 Posted June 20, 2014 Yes, the issues that broke us up have been resolved. I don't see it as 'him using me for sex' when I'm the instigator - I told him to come to my house, he asked me 4 times if it's what I wanted and I said YES every time. Our conversations always end up sexual, usually I'm the one to turn them that way. I mean, come on - it's been four years guys, I'm pretty horny! I think this feels 'safe', because he's an ex - he knows what I like, I know what he likes - casual sex is never something I've engaged in, but because he's an ex, doesn't feel so... promiscuous haha. Yes, I am hung up on him, but I'm also really horny! Ha. Well you have a great sex life with him so what happens when you turn the lights back on, get dressed and take the relationship in to the other parts of the house. It's not much of a relationship if it can't be continued out of bed. So that's the big question. If that's the case, then your FWB and that's not a relationship
littleplanet Posted June 20, 2014 Posted June 20, 2014 I am so glad you replied, thank you. This is where I'm stuck in the middle - the guy in question is without a doubt, a soul mate - we always end up in contact with each other even if it's a year later or 6 months later, we're somehow drawn to each other. I'm inclined to just give it a go even though the likelihood of me falling for him again (and him maintaining that he just wants to be friends) is pretty high - I can see it coming a mile off.... But, the sexual tension is just indescribable and I can't stop thinking about how amazing it would be. I've not slept with anyone other than him, so I think there's a strange poetry to the idea of him being the only man I've slept with (after 4 years of singledom). There will come a day, OP - when that sexual tension will be as distant as Andromeda. And in the meantime? Life is long at the front end....gets awful short at the back end. Something to consider. Of course, he's your comfort zone.(as uncomfortable as it may sometimes be................. But life offers no guarantees of 'perfect' comfort. Ever. So if this be a station along the road to (something better? something different?) the philosophy of that is all up to you. It's too easy to get wrapped up in particulars......what doesn't fit the big fat agenda......when a more direct agenda is on the front burner. You're not telling stories here about being emotionally abused...cheated on....or trashed in any particular way. Sounds to me like something that fits outside the conventional box. By far the most violent and emotionally volatile affair of my life was something (long ago) that I can easily see now, was never meant to last forever, or ever grow into a partnership. But I wouldn't have missed it for the world!
Author sillybint Posted June 22, 2014 Author Posted June 22, 2014 Well you have a great sex life with him so what happens when you turn the lights back on, get dressed and take the relationship in to the other parts of the house. It's not much of a relationship if it can't be continued out of bed. So that's the big question. If that's the case, then your FWB and that's not a relationship Who said anything about a relationship? This is specifically friends with benefits.
Author sillybint Posted June 23, 2014 Author Posted June 23, 2014 Seems like all this was too good to be true... I haven't heard from my ex since we met up and made out. I've sent him 3 texts (over the course of 2 weeks) and nothing. I have no idea if he's away on business or not. He's always been awful at replying to texts (apparently lots of people moan at him for it, so it's not just me!) so I've learned not to expect much from him contact wise... But, after a really exciting night, I thought I'd get some communication at least. *sigh* I'm an idiot.
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