Kids are always 1st?

[Leigh 87]

You went back to the nanny job?

 

 

 

No.

 

I am speaking of when I WAS there.

 

He just guessed he was my boyfriend!

 

This eight year old was good at picking things up though.

[RedRobin]

I take my parent's, aunts, and uncles example as a reasonable way to raise children. Of course the child's NEEDS came first. Their wants, however, did NOT

 

 

Too many single parents are in a race with their ex to be most popular mom/dad of the year instead of being an actual parent that says no to unreasonable demands on their time and life. Holy crap, my parents stopped hiring babysitters for me and my sis at age 9 or 10...

 

 

These days, you've got an abundance of helicopter parents... always hovering and shuttling their kids to a bazillion different structured events... more to feed their ego and displace their guilt about being divorced or working too much, or whatever.

 

 

If a single parent's life truly revolves around their kid 24/7, then don't date, or maybe say up front that the other person needs to be there for the booty call and that's it. That is pretty much how I take it when I view that statement. That they really want a glorified FWB with a potential partner at their beck and call... but can't bring themselves to say it. I haven't observed them to be better parents at all. They just want the right to be flaky and be poor planners.

Edited July 23, 2014 by RedRobin

[RedRobin]

Instead, his idea of a fun date is for me to go over to his place, spend time with him and his kid, play monopoly with them, etc. Basically, someone to entertain his kid with, so that he doesn't have to do it alone.

 

 

 

Yep. I just told the guy I'm dating that I won't be seeing him on nights he has the kids. I told him when we first started dating that I believe his kids already have parents... and that I'm not going to force a relationship with them.

 

 

TBH, I don't really like his kids, and that's a first for me. They are both overweight, do nothing but watch TV, post on Facebook, and play video games. And whine. And eat. A lot. God forbid they help their dad with chores or anything. So yea, going back to fun activity dates or nothing with him.

 

 

Contrast this with my deceased fiancée's kids... who I'm still close with. They were always interesting, sweet, loving people, even when they were young. Kids really are a reflection of their parents most of the time, if you ask me.

Edited July 23, 2014 by RedRobin

[NoMoreJerks]

I'm still dating my guy, but I have put my foot down: I won't be seeing his kid or spending time together with him and his kid, until such time as he keeps us dating a secret from the kid. The kid might have guessed, or not. But it is not for me to guess whether or not the kid has good observational skills. The fact that he does not want to say it to his kid for some reason, is reason enough for me not to want to hang out in the presence of his kid. It's not because I want to put pressure on him to tell his kid -- but I don't feel comfortable keeping up the charade. It's exhausting to pretend so much and to have to make sure you don't brush up against him by mistake or whatever... The last time we spent time together with his kid, we went out to the museum (he claimed his kid had asked him if I could join them-- that's why I didn't want to turn down the offer). His kid asked who was going to pay for my entry fee (perhaps because he had suspicions and assumed that we were an item and therefore he'd pay for mine). His dad assured him that I was just a friend and I would pay my own share. And that was that. Poor taste, IMO. Not just the fact that he said we're just friends, but if he hadn't, and had let me pay for my share, it's a poor way of treating your gf in front of your kid, and teaching your kid stinginess rather than generosity. But oh well, who am I to teach a parent how to raise his kid. I totally agree, though, with a previous poster, who pointed out that some parents try to compete with their exes on who spends more on the kid / who caves in more to the kid's demands, etc., because they assume that is what will win the kid over and therefore that they are the better parent. My ex is a perfect example of that. Right down to having to pay $10,000 for braces that his kid does not need, over the next 2 years. And he was just saying how relieved he was that he was done paying for his student loans.....

 

Anyway, now we see each other only on days when his kid is not with him. He makes more effort every now and then, to do things instead of being a couch potato, but he still is a tight @ss. I am also not sure why HE would be paying for the entire cost of the braces (all $10,000 of it), but I am wondering if he is actually splitting the cost, but it's a convenient excuse to claim he's skinned and can't go out or pay for me every now and then.

Edited July 23, 2014 by NoMoreJerks

[NoMoreJerks]

I didn't know where to put this , but I thought this was the best place to put it. I have a question about / to single parents. Hopefully some single parents on here can provide some insight into this. Do you ever do things together with your ex (the father/mother of your child)? Like, if the child was going to his appointment for dental braces, is it normal for both the mother and the father to be there, as if they are a happy family or something? It threw me off a bit -- my partner had told me about this braces appointment, and he had implied that he was going to take his kid to the appointment. It turned out, though, that his ex had driven the kid there, and he had met them there, and they were together for the 1 hr of the appointment. I mean, I am not worried about him getting back together with her, but I feel like she is playing a nasty game since she found out (I think) that I am with her ex. (she is married to another man, but I think she wants to get her ex to remain single -- she does everything in her power to get him to pay for everything, and now this! ). Or maybe it's my partner who is using these as an excuse to get away with being a tight @ss. I am not sure. But still, something in the back of my head is gnawing at me and making me uncomfortable about the fact that they were together like they were some sort of a happy family. Is this also giving the kid hopes that his parents might get back together? Because he is apparently not very happy with his stepdad and keeps complaining about him a lot lately. Any insights would be helpful. I know every situation is different, but I want to know in general if this is a thing that single parents usually do with their exes. I mean, I can understand if they had recently separated, so that they would want their kid to have a transition period, but they've been separated for at least 7 years now... also, the kid is 10, and is very mature for his age, and the fact that he might have asked for both parents to be there, somewhat does not suit his personality for some reason, unless he was doing it deliberately to be the center of attention, or with the hopes that his parents might get together.

[PinkInTheLimo]

TBH, I don't really like his kids, and that's a first for me. They are both overweight, do nothing but watch TV, post on Facebook, and play video games. And whine. And eat. A lot. God forbid they help their dad with chores or anything. So yea, going back to fun activity dates or nothing with him.

 

Contrast this with my deceased fiancée's kids... who I'm still close with. They were always interesting, sweet, loving people, even when they were young. Kids really are a reflection of their parents most of the time, if you ask me.

 

I hear you... Nothing against dating a man with kids (not too many without kids at my age) but I know that I would also be picky about the kids the man brings with him. If they are lazy spoilt brats... not sure the relationship will last...

[iiiii]

Like, if the child was going to his appointment for dental braces, is it normal for both the mother and the father to be there, as if they are a happy family or something? It threw me off a bit -- my partner had told me about this braces appointment, and he had implied that he was going to take his kid to the appointment.

 

I'm not a single parent, but my partner has kids.

 

I think it's normal, and actually far better for the child, if both parents attend certain things. For some things, e.g. attending school events, both parents attending the event helps them be consistent with rules & feedback to the kid. Plus for school concerts etc, it's just nice for the kid to see both parents there supporting them, not to feel that dad "couldn't come" because mum came, or vice versa.

 

I'd put getting braces in that category of acceptable things. Both parents need to be on the same page with medical decisions for the kids - they need to know about costs, maintenence of the braces, etc.

 

The only red flag would be if you weren't welcome to attend too.

[SpiralOut]

This is why I wouldn't date a single parent. I know his kids come first, or at least they damn well better. That's the way it should be.

 

Not everybody understands that. I'm sure that single parents have encountered people who try to pretend like their kids don't exist. May as well put a warning up right away so those people don't hang around.

[Raena]

I didn't know where to put this , but I thought this was the best place to put it. I have a question about / to single parents. Hopefully some single parents on here can provide some insight into this. Do you ever do things together with your ex (the father/mother of your child)? Like, if the child was going to his appointment for dental braces, is it normal for both the mother and the father to be there, as if they are a happy family or something? It threw me off a bit -- my partner had told me about this braces appointment, and he had implied that he was going to take his kid to the appointment. It turned out, though, that his ex had driven the kid there, and he had met them there, and they were together for the 1 hr of the appointment. I mean, I am not worried about him getting back together with her, but I feel like she is playing a nasty game since she found out (I think) that I am with her ex. (she is married to another man, but I think she wants to get her ex to remain single -- she does everything in her power to get him to pay for everything, and now this! ). Or maybe it's my partner who is using these as an excuse to get away with being a tight @ss. I am not sure. But still, something in the back of my head is gnawing at me and making me uncomfortable about the fact that they were together like they were some sort of a happy family. Is this also giving the kid hopes that his parents might get back together? Because he is apparently not very happy with his stepdad and keeps complaining about him a lot lately. Any insights would be helpful. I know every situation is different, but I want to know in general if this is a thing that single parents usually do with their exes. I mean, I can understand if they had recently separated, so that they would want their kid to have a transition period, but they've been separated for at least 7 years now... also, the kid is 10, and is very mature for his age, and the fact that he might have asked for both parents to be there, somewhat does not suit his personality for some reason, unless he was doing it deliberately to be the center of attention, or with the hopes that his parents might get together.

 

It's funny that you posted this because just the other day my son had an appt. to see a specialist and his father decided to meet us there. We aren't together anymore and haven't been for 10 months but he wanted to be there to hear what the doctor had to say. So, I say, yes, this is absolutely normal behavior. And to the other poster who said that it would be a red flag if you weren't invited... well, you aren't the child's parent, you aren't married to him, you don't make medical decisions for the child and the child doesn't even know for sure that you two are dating... so I wouldn't call that in itself a red flag. I expect my son's father to be around for these types of things. It's important that our child know that his parents can get along and that we are both supportive of his needs. I'd even go so far as to say that come Christmas morning, you can bet your bottom dollar that my ex will be at my house early in the morning to see his son open presents. I can see that being an issue for some people but I think it's important for us to all get along. In that instance, if he's seriously involved with someone and my son knows it, I wouldn't be against her coming along as well. (as long as she's respectful to me, his most recent ex would NOT be allowed because she's a psycho and very disrespectful to me)

 

Anyway, I read through all of your comments on here and I think you have a valid reason to be concerned. This guy you are dating is not making you a priority at ALL.

 

I see it like this... yes, my son is my main priority, his needs do come first. However, if I'm dating... I'm dating for ME. I'm not going to even bother introducing him to my son unless I feel like he is someone I want around for awhile(and someone who would be good for my son too at that point). None of this "he's just a friend" baloney. My son will not meet ANY of my dates until I feel like it's something that is going to be long term.

 

That said... I need to be able to make my "date" my priority at least SOME of the time. He needs to know that I want to get to know HIM not just find someone to help me entertain my child every night.

 

This guy you are with isn't doing that at all. He isn't feeding his relationship with you at all. He won't tell his child you are dating but brings you around as a "friend?" Big NO NO. He won't pay for some dates? What a stingy bastard! He won't spend time alone with you? UGH!!

 

This is ironic coming from the same person who posted an entire thread on why you SHOULD date single parents... but in your case I'd tell you to run like the wind! He isn't ready to date at all. He needs to either stop dating altogether or learn how to separate the two until he can learn how to spend time with YOU, letting YOU know that you are important to him too.

 

There needs to be time for both... being a parent to his child and being your boyfriend. Even most married couples make time for each other without the kids around. It's no different when dating. You need that time alone to bond.

 

I've been on both ends... dating men with children when I was childless and now dating as a single mom and I can tell you that what he is doing is completely unhealthy for his child and for your relationship with him. I'm glad you put your foot down and told him you won't hang out with him and his child until the child knows you two are dating.

[NoMoreJerks]

Thanks for all the feedback, guys.

 

Things have been going much better in the past month or so.. I haven't been around much lately -- but there is a new situation with the guy I'm seeing.. It actually happened just a few hours ago, when I was at his place. Briefly: if you might recall, I had complained on here that he had introduced me to his kid as a friend, kept keeping it a secret that we were dating, while inviting me over in his kid's presence, etc. (but not wanting me to spend the night) -- and insisting that his friends do not say that we are dating, in front of his kid. I was not happy with that situation.

 

I would not have minded if he had not introduced me to his kid, but minded that he introduced me to his kid only for his own benefit (to see how I would react / behave around his kid). Anyway, a few weeks ago, we were at his friend's place, with his kid -- and his friend's gf accidentally said to my guy "now you have a girlfriend." His kid was surprised and said, oh you have a gf , dad? They all said, no no it was just a play on words (this conversation was taking place in french). Anyway, I was pretty upset about that, but I didn't say anything. But I was in a kinda ****ty mood. Then a few days later, he told me that he talked with his kid and told him about us dating (about 4 months after we started dating). I asked how his kid had taken it, and he said he had taken it well and hadn't asked any questions.

 

I was surprised but I thought, that is good... he already had claimed that he had told his kid about previous girlfriends before, so it wasn't the first time he had done this. Tonight, I was invited for dinner at his place -- he had cooked for me -- and his ex was going to drop their kid off at his place. She dropped him off and wanted to do their joint financial calculations for the expenses for their kid, but he told her, not today (because I was there). I have never met her nor even seen her in person. I was in the kitchen when she dropped the kid off, and didn't go to say hi. Anyway, the kid seemed more needy/clingy than before.. He went to bed at his usual time (8:30), but kept wanting hugs from his dad, and calling him every 2 minutes. This kept happening every 10 minutes, for a good hour.

 

The last time he called his dad, he started crying, and wouldn't tell his dad what was wrong. (he's 10 years old and is very mature for his age, so I am wondering if he's trying to manipulate his dad into not seeing me, or what -- or if he was upset he didn't let his mom in, because he was hoping that they might get back together at some point? -- I can imagine that kids of single parents might wish for that sometimes). I was very patient and understanding and he kept going to talk to his kid and reassure him everything was fine, that he loved him ,etc., but that last time when he started crying, I just said, I better get going. He said ok.

 

I felt so upset though, because I've literally bent over backwards to get his kid to feel at ease around me, etc. I even bought 2 copies of a children's storybook (for 10 year olds) for both of us to read together and discuss. Leaving his place tonight the way I did -- it wasn't a good feeling, let's just say that.

 

I guess I am wondering if others have dealt with a situation like this and how they approached it.

Edited August 25, 2014 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
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[thefooloftheyear]

It's funny that you posted this because just the other day my son had an appt. to see a specialist and his father decided to meet us there. We aren't together anymore and haven't been for 10 months but he wanted to be there to hear what the doctor had to say. So, I say, yes, this is absolutely normal behavior. And to the other poster who said that it would be a red flag if you weren't invited... well, you aren't the child's parent, you aren't married to him, you don't make medical decisions for the child and the child doesn't even know for sure that you two are dating... so I wouldn't call that in itself a red flag. I expect my son's father to be around for these types of things. It's important that our child know that his parents can get along and that we are both supportive of his needs. I'd even go so far as to say that come Christmas morning, you can bet your bottom dollar that my ex will be at my house early in the morning to see his son open presents. I can see that being an issue for some people but I think it's important for us to all get along. In that instance, if he's seriously involved with someone and my son knows it, I wouldn't be against her coming along as well. (as long as she's respectful to me, his most recent ex would NOT be allowed because she's a psycho and very disrespectful to me)

 

Anyway, I read through all of your comments on here and I think you have a valid reason to be concerned. This guy you are dating is not making you a priority at ALL.

 

I see it like this... yes, my son is my main priority, his needs do come first. However, if I'm dating... I'm dating for ME. I'm not going to even bother introducing him to my son unless I feel like he is someone I want around for awhile(and someone who would be good for my son too at that point). None of this "he's just a friend" baloney. My son will not meet ANY of my dates until I feel like it's something that is going to be long term.

 

That said... I need to be able to make my "date" my priority at least SOME of the time. He needs to know that I want to get to know HIM not just find someone to help me entertain my child every night.

 

This guy you are with isn't doing that at all. He isn't feeding his relationship with you at all. He won't tell his child you are dating but brings you around as a "friend?" Big NO NO. He won't pay for some dates? What a stingy bastard! He won't spend time alone with you? UGH!!

 

This is ironic coming from the same person who posted an entire thread on why you SHOULD date single parents... but in your case I'd tell you to run like the wind! He isn't ready to date at all. He needs to either stop dating altogether or learn how to separate the two until he can learn how to spend time with YOU, letting YOU know that you are important to him too.

 

There needs to be time for both... being a parent to his child and being your boyfriend. Even most married couples make time for each other without the kids around. It's no different when dating. You need that time alone to bond.

 

I've been on both ends... dating men with children when I was childless and now dating as a single mom and I can tell you that what he is doing is completely unhealthy for his child and for your relationship with him. I'm glad you put your foot down and told him you won't hang out with him and his child until the child knows you two are dating.

 

In fairness...you are only saying what you would do and thats fine...But to say its wrong or unhealthy for anyone else isnt really right either..He could just as easily say that it is healthy and right for his particular situation..No one has a right to tell someone how they need to parent their kid..

 

Now, that being said, the person on the other side doesnt have to take it..If she/he doesnt feel right about being the "side dish"(sorry., I couldnt come up with a better characterization), then by all means then they should reconsider if the relationship is giving them what they need..

 

And maybe its best that he doesnt date..But then maybe he just really wants to get laid every once in a while, have a casual thing, and doesnt want all the other responsibilities and committments...If he's anything at all be'd likely find someone else that wont care as much...

 

.like maybe someone with kids themselves...

 

TFY

[M30USA]

I see this recurring theme in dating single parents:

 

"You will always be second place after my kids"

 

I'm not sure I would ever want to be told this if I was dating a single parent.

 

Feels like they are taking on an elevated calling in life as a servant to a child's needs that will severely curtail the opportunity in a potential LTR.

 

We don't tell a potential spouse that they will always be 2nd place to our life's work. It seems expected that the duty involved in developing your life's work is good and healthy to a relationship.

 

Am I missing something?

 

I typically hear single moms say this to men they are dating. But if single moms are told this exact same thing by a single dad, they become LIVID. I've seen it many times.

 

I suspect part of the reason these people might have gotten divorced in the first place is because they put their original spouse second behind their kids as well. So they are just repeating the cycle.

Edited August 25, 2014 by M30USA

[M30USA]

Lastly, and this may sound shallow, but I have noticed many partners expect you to make them your first priority, however, you will always place 2nd to their kids. When I did OLD, I even noticed people saying in their profiles that they want a man who will make them a priority, even after they said their kids always come first. If I don't come first, neither do they.

 

Yep. Hypocrisy.

[Blade96]

I don't have kids (am childfree) and yet I know the phrase is SUPPOSED to mean "their needs are met" *you will be second to my kids)

 

But heard of many people using it for bat**** stuff like wants and things, rather than needs.

 

YOu can tell the difference, and call them out on it.

[Georgia2014]

I went on one date with a single Dad and I have not went out with a single Dad since then. If it bothers you then don't date single Dads. That one date with a single Dad was more than enough for me. I only date men with no kids.

Edited August 25, 2014 by Georgia2014

[NoMoreJerks]

Yup. Been there, done that. I have dated a lot of single moms over the years and my situation with them mirrored your own. You were lucky the kid went to bed at his 8:30 bed time. It has been my experience that typical bed time gets drawn out until around 9:30-10:00. Your "date" becomes hours of watching your partner parent their child, followed by some late night sex after the kids finally settle down.

He usually bargains for an extra 10 minutes, but generally, he goes to bed no later than 8:45pm and doesn't bother us after that. But that was before his dad told him that he was dating me. Back then I was just a "friend." So, all those who were saying that kids that age will figure it out on their own, were wrong -- we were very very careful about not being flirty in front of him. Even after he told his kid (2 weeks ago), we never really held hands/flirted, etc. in front of him. This was actually the first time I went over to his place in his kid's presence after he told his kid that he had been seeing me.. His kid was in the U.S. on a trip with his mother for the 2 weeks after he was told about us dating, and the first week that he was back, I did not want to hang out with them because I thought I should give the kid some time alone with his dad since they hadn't seen each other for 2 weeks. I am very very considerate, and even his dad has said this several times and thanked me, but I feel like I am getting nothing in return for it, no real appreciation --definitely none from the kid, and not much from his dad either. I mean, the guy does say he appreciates how considerate I am, but yesterday for example, after that tantrum, he did not discipline his kid / did not tell me not to leave / that his kid should accept it, etc. I felt a bit disappointed, but even then I tried to put myself in his shoes and understand that it was best that I left. But it still hurt. And the more i think about it, the more I feel insulted/ upset/unappreciated. I think I am mentally preparing myself to exit from this minefield called dating a single dad. Too bad, because things were getting relatively better between us. And his loss, I guess, because at this rate he will be alone forever. Anyway, it doesn't seem like he is really interested in a long-term relationship. The other day he mentioned the idea of living together and he said he prefers that as a couple we live apart because living together supposedly kills the romance... (first of all, it is too early to even move in, but i think he is making sure that I know he is not the type to want me to move in with him at ANY point). Whatever. I deserve better than this.

 

If things are already bothering you after 4 months of dating, then trust me, it doesn't get better. If the kid doesn't want you around, which, judging by your post, he probably doesn't, then he will probably get his wish.

Yeah. I feel that is what is going to happen. Even if he won't break up with me, he will make sure I am never around his kid again, probably will tell his kid he's not seeing me anymore, and continue a casual thing with me. Or maybe he will break up. Who knows. Whatever the case, his loss, and possibly my gain, because after my previous experience with a man, I really don't need yet another drama-filled pseudo-relationship.... I think I will end things myself, rather than wait for him to do it. Edited August 25, 2014 by NoMoreJerks

[Tayla]

Its your life and your choices, At this time though I do not think you have the motherly or adult /kid fundamentals to make it thru the dating part. Via 'ing for the first position is never going to work. This isn't a pack leader scenario.

 

The Child (His SON)is human, Not "the kid" as is so often referred to.

 

Gracefully bid your adieu, you deserve to be with someone that is more in tune to your current mindset and dating habits. Best to you.

[NoMoreJerks]

^ actually, the reason I refer to him as "the kid" (or "his kid") is because I don't want to mention his name online. And I am not competing with his kid for attention. My sole complaint was that at first, his idea of dating seemed to be : "let's spend some time together with my kid!" And he does not even have full custody, so the days that he did not have his kid, he preferred to hang out with his friends or do other things, rather than spend some alone time with me. Anyway, that had changed somewhat, in the past month. But I bent over backwards to accommodate him and his schedule and his kid's whims... (they were whims and not needs, he is a spoiled kid who loves being the center of attention). It's not about not liking kids or not having the motherly "fundamentals" as you call them. I've never been a parent but kids love me in general and I love kids and get along great with them. Not with this one, and not because of *my* attitude. Unfortunately, his kid, even when he thought I was just a friend, did not like me. He kept being passive aggressive towards me, and even went so far as to comment on my accent in front of his dad and his dad's friends, etc. (without any word of discipline / rebuke from his dad). I did not rebuke him for his comments because I don't want his dad to think that I am out to discipline a kid that is not my own. But I guess the fact that I did not push back when he crossed my boundaries made him try to push even more. He is very mature for his age (I observe people A LOT , so I know this for a fact) and a little bit of a manipulator, I'd argue. When all his attempts failed yesterday(constantly calling his dad to his room -- his dad kept going , talk about spoiling the kid!), he started crying to get attention-- but when he started crying, I didn't leave at first, and his dad told him to go to sleep and came back to me. Seeing that even his crying failed, he started making crying sounds that could be heard from as far as the living room, so I just told his dad that I was going and he can go to see what's wrong with his kid. Anyway, my parents are coming from the U.S. to visit me for 2 weeks, so the guy knew that we wouldn't see each other again for another 2 weeks, and he still let me leave just like that.. I was in such a rush to leave, I did not even say a proper goodbye. Well, I guess it doesn't matter anymore.

[anika99]

NoMoreJerks what are you going to do about it? There's a time for complaining and then a time for taking action. You have been on this thread complaining about this guy for a couple of months now. The main theme of your posts seem to be that you are getting nothing for yourself out of this relationship. So why do you keep seeing the guy? Why are you choosing to play the role of long suffering martyr instead of finding someone more suitable to you?

[NoMoreJerks]

NoMoreJerks what are you going to do about it? There's a time for complaining and then a time for taking action. You have been on this thread complaining about this guy for a couple of months now. The main theme of your posts seem to be that you are getting nothing for yourself out of this relationship. So why do you keep seeing the guy? Why are you choosing to play the role of long suffering martyr instead of finding someone more suitable to you?

How am I playing the martyr? I have not been complaining, and definitely not for months. I was going to break things off with the guy, but he changed some of the things that I was going to break up with him for (without me saying it / or giving any "ultimatums" , which are not my style). He also told his kid about us seeing each other, which was one of the major issues. But this is another hurdle, and I keep thinking that maybe it's something that requires time. I don't want to throw the baby out with the bathwater. But if/when I see that he is not making an effort to get his son to accept me, or, that he is caving in to his son's demands regarding our time together, etc., then I will end things. I think I am headed that way anyway, since nothing so far inspires confidence that he is going to tell his son to suck it up. He is someone who fears that if he does not cave in to each and every one of his kid's whims and demands, his kid will prefer his mother and will not want to see him as much. In addition, he is overcompensating for the fact that he had a ****ty dad who abandoned HIM when he was a kid, thinking that spoiling his kid is the way to go, that it means that he cares about his kid, and that he is reassuring his kid that he loves him and will never abandon him. Anyway, I just asked for people's input, because I have not had experience dating single parents, and I thought it would be interesting to see how others look at this situation and how they have resolved it (if at all). It's not a complaint. If and when I see that this seems to be heading nowhere fast, I will call it quits.

[anika99]

How am I playing the martyr? I have not been complaining, and definitely not for months. I was going to break things off with the guy, but he changed some of the things that I was going to break up with him for (without me saying it / or giving any "ultimatums" , which are not my style). He also told his kid about us seeing each other, which was one of the major issues. But this is another hurdle, and I keep thinking that maybe it's something that requires time. I don't want to throw the baby out with the bathwater. But if/when I see that he is not making an effort to get his son to accept me, or, that he is caving in to his son's demands regarding our time together, etc., then I will end things. I think I am headed that way anyway, since nothing so far inspires confidence that he is going to tell his son to suck it up. He is someone who fears that if he does not cave in to each and every one of his kid's whims and demands, his kid will prefer his mother and will not want to see him as much. In addition, he is overcompensating for the fact that he had a ****ty dad who abandoned HIM when he was a kid, thinking that spoiling his kid is the way to go, that it means that he cares about his kid, and that he is reassuring his kid that he loves him and will never abandon him. Anyway, I just asked for people's input, because I have not had experience dating single parents, and I thought it would be interesting to see how others look at this situation and how they have resolved it (if at all). It's not a complaint. If and when I see that this seems to be heading nowhere fast, I will call it quits.

 

Even this post stating you weren't complaining included complaints. Can you say anything positive about this guy?

[NoMoreJerks]

Even this post stating you weren't complaining included complaints. Can you say anything positive about this guy?

You have an odd definition of complaint....

[anika99]

From the Merriam Webster Dictionary:

 

 

Com.plaint

 

 

: a statement that you are unhappy or not satisfied with something

: the act of saying or writing that you are unhappy or dissatisfied with something

: something to be unhappy about : something that people complain about

 

 

What is your definition of complaint?

 

 

Also can you think of anything positive to say about this guy?

[NoMoreJerks]

Uh, no -- a statement of fact and a complaint are not the same thing. And I stated several positive things about the guy, including that he has changed some of the things I was unhappy about in the first place. He is a nice person that I get along with and click well with. Right now the only major issue that I see (in the foreseeable future) is the situation with his kid (it was always mostly about that anyway).

[thefooloftheyear]

Uh, no -- a statement of fact and a complaint are not the same thing. And I stated several positive things about the guy, including that he has changed some of the things I was unhappy about in the first place. He is a nice person that I get along with and click well with. Right now the only major issue that I see (in the foreseeable future) is the situation with his kid (it was always mostly about that anyway).

 

You might as well say the guy is great, but he's married...Not trying to be flip, but it sounds like you are always going to be on the outside looking in here-judging from the nature of your postings..All people handle kids differently and for some, a SO isnt and will never be in the same league as the kids..

 

Some of these people probably shouldnt date, or at the very least put that out on the table up front so you can decide if this is something you want or not, before getting too involved...My guess is he didnt do this, because he wants the good things (sex) without giving you the time, committment or whatever-and can dedicate the time and energy to the kids...If he told you up front you would probably walk, so he is just avoiding it until you put a gun to his head...so to speak..

 

Its up to you at this point....I wouldnt expect any changes on his part..

 

TFY