madgirl1991 Posted June 16, 2014 Posted June 16, 2014 (edited) I'm in a really odd situation. After dating a lot of men whose main intention was to sleep with me, I became disullusioned with competing for the super attractive, confident guys. Instead, I focused on guys who exhibited good long-term traits such as being supportive, family-oriented and good with their finances. Guys who actually wanted a life partner. I have found a guy like this and we have been seeing each other for three weeks. However, something seems odd. I'm not sure if he really likes me, or is (like me) disillusioned with his usual type. We met online 3 months ago. I messaged him, he responded in a friendly manner and then we chatted a few nights. He flirted a tiny bit, but I was interested in another guy by that time so I asked if we could meet as friends. The meeting didn't go that well. He was very tired that day, and I had a lot of things to do so he basically followed me around on my errrands. I found him very average looking, he didn't say anything about my appearance like most guys who would say i am cute or sexy within the first hour. He didn't make any effort to spend time with me after that day. However, I'd occassionally recieve texts from him on nights when he was obviously bored at home alone. He'd also listen to my rants when I was frustrated about dating the other jerks and share his equally terrible experiences with women. During this time it became clear to me we had heaps in common! We both wanted relationships but hadn't been able to find one for years. We were both busy with full time work and study, had friends who were too busy for us, and spent our weekends with family or searching for our first property. We had also grown up on the same street and gone to the same school, though we had never met back then. One evening I was very upset about my lack of friends and a relationship. I complained that I just wanted to go to a movie and do something fun and no one would go out with me. He had just had a birthday, and was feeling pretty down because of how boring it was. He offered to take me to the movies, I said you don't have to hang out with me out of pity. He said, no i want to hang out with you. I asked him to call me, and he cheered me up and chatted to me for a few hours going to 2am. After that, I couldn't stop thinking about him and excitedly waited for our movie night. The night before we were meant to go, I freaked out because he hadn't texted me to make plans...and got angry and called him a jerk. He told me that he is a last minute planner and we had a fight but in the end, he said he still wanted to go if i wnated to so off we went. I asked him to pick me up and he did. He didn't pay for me at the movies. Although the movie finished at midnight, we ended up staying together the entire night doing random silly things and then cuddling in his bed. The next morning I said I really liked him, and he said i am a nice girl. I asked if I could spend the day with him, and so we did. Basically, we cuddled/talked all day. After that, we messaged back and forth almost every day (equal initating from both of us) and have hung out twice each weekend for two weeks. He isn't dating anyone else, when I asked he said he doesnt aim for fwb or date multiple ppl at once. Mainly it is me making plans to go over his house, and we study together/eat/talk/watch movies/cuddle. On Saturday, his friends wanted to spend time wtih him but he declined to keep his plans with me. I asked him if he wants to fly with me to another city for a week holiday. He said yes, and we spent about 500 bucks each booking it yesterday. Although I had to nudge him to start the process, we both decided hotels and flights together. He also had bought a snack for me to eat when i go over his house (he feels bad because I have a dif diet to him that I always have to watch him eat). He sometimes goes out of his way for me, for example when I was thinking of putting an offer on a house he drove by and had a look at it to give me his opinion since he has just bougth a property and he always follows up on things that have been worrying me. He tells me his problems too and I listen. Things are going well, but some major things worry me. 1. He has never said anything nice to me. eg: that I look good, or am smart or fun. I asked him about this, he said he has always been bad at "the flattery stuff." 2. He isn't trying to sleep with me. All we ever do is cuddle. I asked him why, he said maybe he goes a bit slower than I am used to. I find this odd, given he has many different short term flings in the last few years as he tried to find a gf and has told me about the kinky things they did when i asked eg into toys and tying up. I would think someone confident enough to try these things wouldn't worry about making a move, especially after I have indicated a desire to take it further. The most he has done is stroke my inner thigh or "accidentally" graze my breast. 3. I asked if he had told anyone we were seeing each other. He said, no. 4. He doesn't seem fussed about seeing me. I don't know if this is his enerally liad back personality or what. I like to plan in advance when I see someone so I can look forward to it! 5. He hasn't spend a cent on me. All of our hangouts, we pay for ourselves. I know he is paying off a mortgage on uncertain income so I don't mind. But one day I asked him to grab me a chocolate bar when he was ducking down the store. He said no and instead offered me some old yucky biscuits from his pantry. A chocolate bar is 2 dollars. I am a bit offended he didn't think I was worth 2 dollars... Where do you think this is all heading? Is it going well so far or should i be worried? Like me, he has been burned a lot by women so maybe his behaviour just reflects a relucantncy to invest before he knows it will pay off this time? Edited June 16, 2014 by madgirl1991
ExpatInItaly Posted June 16, 2014 Posted June 16, 2014 Wait, you've only been hanging out with him for three weeks? And you're concerned he doesn't think of you as his girlfriend? Girl, slow down! I think you're placing your hopes for a relationship on him a bit early. You're already booking a vacation together? I would be hesitant too, after only having met you in person three weeks ago! I wouldn't really even call it dating right now, as there doesn't seem to be much of a romance factor yet. Based on your description, he sees you as more friend material at the moment. Or he could be put off by your seeming need to rush things and wary about getting intimate. I think you need to step back and let him take the reins. If it's you initiating plans to go over to his house, and he doesn't otherwise invite you to do many things, what does that tell you? Don't get all in a bunch over "where is this heading?" after such a short time or you will put a lot of people off. Give the friendship/relationship time to breathe and grow. And don't try to force it. 4
Author madgirl1991 Posted June 16, 2014 Author Posted June 16, 2014 Thanks, you are right. It is a bit fast for me to be worrying about that. I met him three months ago. We stayed in contact via text complaining about our lives to each other for just over two months. and now have seen each other regularly for three weeks. I guess I thought, because he knows i'm actively looking for a boyfriend, and because he is actively looking for a gf, he wouldn't waste my time if he wasn't into me. It is quite disturbing you say that he might see me as a friend!! Why is he cuddling and kissing me if i'm just a friend!?
Author madgirl1991 Posted June 16, 2014 Author Posted June 16, 2014 I did think he wasn't as attractive. But there was something about him I liked which is why I stayed friends with him. Also, when i met up with him, i did have a teensy hope he would be the one...as you do before meeting anyone for a first date. HE didn't respond to me as well as other men have in the past, so I thought ok...he just wants to be my friend and put him in that box. I did however attempt to see him again, and he wasn't in a rush so I didn't try again. When i asked him why he didn't respond to me like other guys did..he said, well you were talking about other guys a lot so it put me off.
Author madgirl1991 Posted June 16, 2014 Author Posted June 16, 2014 If he had responded to me well, i damn well would have been interested back when i first met him! But it was a blow to my ego he didn't flirt with me etc. Anyway, the more i spend time with him the more attractive he becomes to me. He also told me, that looks arent the number one thing to him, that as long as they are baseline attractive attraction grows with time. I dont think that sounds very romantic though..i want the guy i'm with to think i'm hot from the start
Author madgirl1991 Posted June 16, 2014 Author Posted June 16, 2014 But yes..fine. You have a point. He was my last choice. Sigh. I guess I am only going out with him after all the other guys didnt work out.
Emilia Posted June 16, 2014 Posted June 16, 2014 But yes..fine. You have a point. He was my last choice. Sigh. I guess I am only going out with him after all the other guys didnt work out. He can tell, I'd imagine. Sounds like a decent guy as he didn't try to take advantage of the situation the slightest.
Art_Critic Posted June 16, 2014 Posted June 16, 2014 When I was single and I didn't make a move on someone but kept dating them it was because I wasn't into them and kept thinking it would get better... It also might be he is multi-dating and seeing someone else... I would consider watching his interest.. if his interest doesn't pick up then cut him loose...
Keenly Posted June 16, 2014 Posted June 16, 2014 So let me get this right. You think he isn't into because 3 weeks in, he isn't kissing your ASD with compliments, buying you stuff, and trying to sleep with you ? Have you ever had a good relationship ? 1
Author madgirl1991 Posted June 16, 2014 Author Posted June 16, 2014 Yep - that confirms my gut feeling. He doesn't think I'm attractive (or i'm not his preferred type). He already told me he doesn't date multiple people so that one is ruled out. His interest seems to be picking up. He just invited me for a movie during the week, saying his friends will want to see it too but he prefers to see it with me first. He also booked a trip with me, and saw me instead of his friends on the weekend..
Author madgirl1991 Posted June 16, 2014 Author Posted June 16, 2014 And to the guy asking if I ever had a good relationship.. 1. Yes, when i was younger. But some aspects of them were stupid (eg: i was a game player and made them jealous all the time).
Keenly Posted June 16, 2014 Posted June 16, 2014 Yep - that confirms my gut feeling. He doesn't think I'm attractive (or i'm not his preferred type). He already told me he doesn't date multiple people so that one is ruled out. His interest seems to be picking up. He just invited me for a movie during the week, saying his friends will want to see it too but he prefers to see it with me first. He also booked a trip with me, and saw me instead of his friends on the weekend.. You are way overthinking this. Reel it back.
Author madgirl1991 Posted June 16, 2014 Author Posted June 16, 2014 Ok. OP out I'll start it up again if there is more developments.
LovemySons Posted June 16, 2014 Posted June 16, 2014 He probably realizes you only went out with him because he was the last resort. I know a lot of people on here have said you're moving to fast, but if you really want a relationship with him, you do need to know if you're going to be able to move forward. Don't waste a year of your life trying to figure it out. 3 weeks might be too soon, but if you don't feel like you're moving forward, don't keep wasting your time. Sit down and have a conversation with him before too long and find out what he thinks. Good luck!
spiderowl Posted June 16, 2014 Posted June 16, 2014 He seems highly unromantic and insensitive. You might have a lot in common but he isn't treating you like a lady he fancies or is attracted to. He may even have some problem with sex that he hasn't talked about and so is not going there because his 'failures' will be found out. He sounds mean about money. I don't get a good feeling about this guy, just that he is cold, thoughtless and mean with money. I don't think he's a good option. 3
pteromom Posted June 16, 2014 Posted June 16, 2014 He seems highly unromantic and insensitive. You might have a lot in common but he isn't treating you like a lady he fancies or is attracted to. He may even have some problem with sex that he hasn't talked about and so is not going there because his 'failures' will be found out. He sounds mean about money. I don't get a good feeling about this guy, just that he is cold, thoughtless and mean with money. I don't think he's a good option. Seconded. You can do better. You want a guy who thinks you are hot from the start and who will buy you a candy bar. That's really not a high bar, and this guy can't even meet it. Bleh. 3
ascendotum Posted June 16, 2014 Posted June 16, 2014 I would be hesitant too, after only having met you in person three weeks ago! I wouldn't really even call it dating right now, as there doesn't seem to be much of a romance factor yet. Based on your description, he sees you as more friend material at the moment.... . Which is what she told him she considered this and what she wanted at the start..because she was hoping it would work out with someone else she was seeing + this guy was not her usual 'super attractive confident' type. Knowing you're the 'lets just be friends first' good job dependable guy after years of hot cocky jerks (the type that really gets her heart fluttering), doesn't exactly make a guy feel the woman has strong emotional desire for him. Maybe using the relationship as a stepping stone until she gets her confidence back. Hey I'm sure a big part of this could well be his nature, but don't discount the above. These days if a woman, said I want to just be friend first, I would go in with low investment. Just be casual on plans, not pay for her, expect she was not all that into me, wonder if she is sleeping with a fwb and had other better prospects in mind thats she would hope circumstances would change on. 1
Smilecharmer Posted June 16, 2014 Posted June 16, 2014 Honestly all I could think while reading your post was how boring he sounds and low energy. I don't like to be the one initiating and guiding. It sounds like if you two get together you will have to tell him what to do and how long to be up to speed with normal guys.
GoreSP Posted June 17, 2014 Posted June 17, 2014 Where do you think this is all heading? Is it going well so far or should i be worried? Like me, he has been burned a lot by women so maybe his behaviour just reflects a relucantncy to invest before he knows it will pay off this time? He is a boy he is your friend but he's not your boyfriend. 1
mortensorchid Posted June 17, 2014 Posted June 17, 2014 I think three weeks is hardly long enough to be thinking about such things. My last bf I knew for about six weeks before we slept together for the first time. Even then, I wasn't about to call him my bf. Give it about two months perhaps three and then see what you'll see.
Author madgirl1991 Posted June 17, 2014 Author Posted June 17, 2014 Okay, fair enough I need to wait. The lady who said she waited a long time before sleeping with her bf..did you have sexual tension though? Did you have long makeout sessions, make each other horny etc? I feel like..im secure and safe around him, not turned on. He doesn't attempt to go further at all other than lamely suggesting that we have a shirts off Friday? haha
stillafool Posted June 17, 2014 Posted June 17, 2014 OP Why the rush to have sex on your part? Especially since you have said other men basically just want to have sex with you. Why aren't you relieved that someone is interested in other things about you other than sex. Also why are you in such a rush to be his girlfriend. You are almost coming across as needy.
Author madgirl1991 Posted June 18, 2014 Author Posted June 18, 2014 Well..a lot of the jerks who rejected me but I wss nice to and stayed friends with bave recently asked me out again and expressed remorse for not taking me seriously. Four actually! I was laughing about how these guys thought they could do better then realised I was a good person with this current guy. He said...they were silly. If you find aomeone nice you shouldnt hold out for better things. I said it would be nice to reject them and say sorry I have a bf now also it would help to explain to everyone why we are going on a trip together. Then he asked, i know this is cheesy but would you like to be my gf? I said yes!
Author madgirl1991 Posted June 18, 2014 Author Posted June 18, 2014 Im in a rush to do it because I am scared he will think im bad in bed or boring...since his exes were very confident and adventurous. I am very shy unimaginaive and like plain vanilla sex. Also If we go too long I am scared I will be turned off when we sleep together that he has a small...or is bad in bed..and anywau doesnt he want my body? Lol
ExpatInItaly Posted June 18, 2014 Posted June 18, 2014 Im in a rush to do it because I am scared he will think im bad in bed or boring...since his exes were very confident and adventurous. I am very shy unimaginaive and like plain vanilla sex. Also If we go too long I am scared I will be turned off when we sleep together that he has a small...or is bad in bed..and anywau doesnt he want my body? Lol Well, don't you want his? Why would he or you be turned off if you waited? I don't get that.
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