GoodGirl90 Posted June 16, 2014 Posted June 16, 2014 Ok need some serious help and I need it quick. I'm 23 and my boyfriend is 24, been together almost seven months. We went out once before and I didn't like him so we only went out on two dates. Seven months later when he moved back in from school he asked me out and I went out with him to be nice honestly. But it turned into so much more. We've been together since. In the beginning everything was perfect. He's only my third boyfriend and I've never had one that treated me nicely so I was ecstatic when he was sooo good to me! It was such a breath of fresh air! My family liked..even loved him. They'd never liked one of my boyfriends. We are pretty different but have managed to get past it. I'm more religious than him, he's a little more outgoing, I'm more family oriented, etc. but we had one thing in common... We truly were crazy about each other. Our relationship is a little different than most. We've never had sex, I'm a virgin and want to wait until I'm ready. We do other things, just not sex. From time to time, we have had arguments, which is normal. He will tell me off then I tell him off and we kiss and make up. But lately he has been so mean to me...so grouchy. I feel like it started two weeks ago when I was laid off from my job. I had a pretty good, prestigious job and was not expecting to get laid off but we didn't have enough work. I feel like at first (first couple of days) he comforted me but since has been a downright ass to me. He totally embarrassed me when we went on a double date with his best friend and his girl. His friend was bragging because his gf always offers to pay when they go out. He doesn't let her but she offers. My boyfriend spoke up and said that he was just ecstatic I finally had a car I was proud of so I drove us sometimes ( just recently got a newer car, old one was a piece of crap) because before he was "driving, paying for our food and our movies." I was speechless. I felt two inches tall. He made me look like a fool. A gold digging fool. Someone that just dated him for free rides and food. Remind you, we have been out maybe 10 time the whole seven months we've been together (to the movies) and never been to a nice restaurant. He is a cheap skate. He puts all his money is his sports car, instead of taking us out. A couple nights ago, we got in a huge argument. He said something mean to me. He was grouchy because I hadn't showed up at his house until after 8 because I had stuff to do. He acted quiet and was normal two nights before. I asked if he was tired and he said yes!!!! I should know he is and respect that he is tired because some people actually "have to get up early" (slur towards me bc I lost my job and sleep to 9 a.m every now and again) I went to my car and he followed me out He said that I've changed. He's spent the past seven months trying to change me. So, yeah. He's tried the change the fact I don't open up to him so I've come out of my shell a lot. He's tried to change the fact I wear makeup and so on. He said I've changed because I always question his love. I do. When he's grouchy I just believe he can love me and treat me that way. I told him he should break up with me since I'm so terrible he said no and then proceeded to fuss that I don't care if I want to end things and that I should care more than that? He said he loved me. I slammed the door and left. That was Thursday night. We didn't see each all weekend. We were busy but there were a couple hours we could've seen each other but he didn't mention it so neither did i. Now, I think tomorrow night I'll be seeing him. I want to talk. The thing is I love him. He treats me like **** sometimes but I love him. I have no idea how he will act or respond to me. My plan is to tell him I'm ready to throw in the towel on this if he is. If he's not, things WILL change. Things will not be easy for him as they have been. Basically I want to make him see what a douche he is. He says I imagine these things and he's not that bad? But he is very grouchy to me, only me. He is a good person though. Just has a bad attitude. I have never for a minute thought he'd cheat on me so I will not question that. I've seen his Facebook messages and texts and he leaves his phone laying around all the time. When we are not together, we are texting or talking. So I know he's not cheating. Something has changed in him though In the beginning I told him how my exes were and I remember him hugging me so tight and saying "people have been mean to you." I could tell he felt bad for me. Now he has become one of them. The things he says are so hurtful. He is a car lover. Sometimes I pick and say you love your car more than me! He always laughs and says no he doesn't. The night we had the fight I said the same thing and he said yeah, sometimes he does. Isn't that awful? Yet he doesn't want to end things?? Anyway, I think love should be wonderful or not at all. So if we aren't going to get along, I want it to be over, regardless how much I love him. So I want him to either agree for us to end it or see how he's treated me and man up and be good to me. I thought about writing down All the mean things he's said to me that have stuck with me and showing him. So he will know words hurt. Is that too far? I don't want to seem like a freak. But looking for suggestions....what to say when I finally get to talk to him...I'm a good person, always been kind to others, a Christian, everyone tells me how pretty I am...why can't I find a guy that'll be good to me? anyway, tell me how I should proceed tomorrow night. I do love him and would say I'm happy 50% of the time and unhappy 50% of the time with him. He has a good heart just is very egotistical. How can I get through to him??
CrystalCastles Posted June 16, 2014 Posted June 16, 2014 "Basically I want to make him see what a douche he is." That will never happen. You can't change him. Only he can change him, and it doesn't sound like he thinks he's doing anything wrong. This is definitely a lost cause, and you should find someone else. Life is too short to be wasting your time on someone who mistreats you. 2
ExpatInItaly Posted June 16, 2014 Posted June 16, 2014 "Basically I want to make him see what a douche he is." That will never happen. You can't change him. Only he can change him, and it doesn't sound like he thinks he's doing anything wrong. This is definitely a lost cause, and you should find someone else. Life is too short to be wasting your time on someone who mistreats you. Agreed. You're likely only wasting your time trying to force him to see his ways. If he's so convinced it's in your head and not as bad as you think, it won't work. I would still speak to him, but not with the goal of making him see how he's been mistreating you. I would simply state my feelings, ask him what his are, and decide whether or not this is the right relationship for both of you.
d0nnivain Posted June 16, 2014 Posted June 16, 2014 What exactly is worth saving in this relationship? If you are only happy 50% of the time, this relationship has no future. You think he's a douche & you agree he treats you like s%$#. You claim he humiliates you. If you think he's such a prince & treats you so much better than your pat BFs because he was kind to you in the begining, I'd hate so see how the other guys treated you. Hanging on to past harms in unhealthy. You have to learn to address them as they happen. Shoving a list of his faults at him now is a path to destruction & makes you look crazy. You can have a calm discussion about respect in a relationship. I might mention the things with the double date but at this point, after the fact, I doubt it will do muh good.
Zahara Posted June 16, 2014 Posted June 16, 2014 I translate "grouchy' with contempt. There's a reason why I say that because my past ex was "grouchy" but only with me and no one else. Putting you down and humiliating you doesn't come from being grouchy. It comes from feeling disdain and contempt. Stop holding on to who he was. This is who he is. People are on their best behavior with you when they are trying to court you. When it all settles in and the honeymoon is over, their true natue is revealed. Someone that goes from nice to unkind was never nice to begin with. Nice is consistent. When it isn't consistent, it isn't real. And if you claim that he is a douche and that you have a list to write about all the unkind things he has said to you, what would make you want to go back to someone like that? He's showing you who he is.
ThorntonMelon Posted June 16, 2014 Posted June 16, 2014 He sounds atrocious. If you were my daughter I'd have my foot straight up his you know what. Please demand more for yourself. He's a loser.
LovemySons Posted June 16, 2014 Posted June 16, 2014 Well, at least you know how you deserve to be treated and don't! If you marry him, and he's grouchy toward you now, that's probably not going to change. If he says he wants to continue dating, I would see if he'll agree to couples' counseling. Better to figure it out now than after saying "I do." You said you're a Christian, so if you have a pastor, talk to him or a mentor couple in your church. Those who know you best will probably be able to speak to what is best for you better than strangers. By the way, if you're a Christian, and he isn't, that will make things much more difficult in the future. Good luck! 1
DArtagnan2 Posted June 16, 2014 Posted June 16, 2014 I would say when you have the talk, you should end it. I know your feelings for him are strong, but that doesn't mean you need to take his crap. While there are arguments, discussions, things we may not like about the other, when someone resorts to name calling, bashing, putting you down, being cold, and humiliating you that isn't the characteristics of a good relationship. I would agree with one other poster who said don't tell him the list of things you think is wrong with him or go at him with "You did this.." and "You said that..". It's counterproductive and will only cause more hate and discontent. Also, when you have the talk, make sure you know what you will do or say if it does end. Because you gave him an ultimatum already and when emotions run high, you may throw another one out there in frustration or hope he will change his tone and beg for it not to end, which he has done before. But you have to be content within yourself with who he is and what he will bring to the relationship, because this is who he is. You have to know, that there is someone out there you will be fond of again and maybe even truly love who wont be so disrespectful to you.
mortensorchid Posted June 16, 2014 Posted June 16, 2014 This is a bad sign. He's going to end it or you will soon once he does/says something that will be the straw that breaks the camel's back. My third serious boyfriend years ago showed me his true colors. He'd had a few crabby moments here and there, he was a man who was bent on power and control. And one weekend, he was atrocious towards me and others he came in contact with. I was blown away that he was so mean. I sat there thinking "What do I do/say that he would be so mean to me? Or others?" But the answer was that I didn't, nor did others. He is/was a miserable man. He ended things and said it was all about me, but I realized later it wasn't. It was about him, he was the mean one who didn't like people in general.
spiderowl Posted June 16, 2014 Posted June 16, 2014 If he's not treating you with love and respect any more, why bother trying to save it? You said yourself he's changed. He puts money into the car not you. He's grouchy that you lost your job. He sounds a bit like the kind of guy who is motivated more by money than anything. I know a guy like that - he watches where he spends his money, not because he's poor but because he expects 'quid pro quo' and a bit more if he can get it. He'll never be my partner because I find it mean. How long has he been like this? How long was it good for? There might be something bugging him that he hasn't told you about - my guess would be the lack of sex. He may well be respecting your wishes about this but at the same time thinking well if he had a different, more easy going girlfriend, he wouldn't be feeling frustrated. I think you need to talk to him about what's changed and try to do it without blaming. If you two start blaming each other, it will flare up into a fight and you will end up breaking up. There is clearly something driving his irritability and you need to find out what. If you two can't resolve this, then I fear the relationship will break up because you don't need to be treated like this.
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