We chose to stay friends with our exes, and not share our pasts. Now we're suffering!

[beautifulxtragedyx5]

10 months ago, I got in a relationship with my current boyfriend. In the start of our relationship we both agreed not to share our pasts if they were irrelevant to our future, and we both allowed each other to be on friendly terms with our exes. As a result of these both decisions, our relationship is now suffering severely. My boyfriend did not tell me how one of his closest female friends was also his ex until much later into the relationship - due to our 'share no past rule'. As a result of this, I began to develop severe trust issues, and I felt like I was being treated as an option. Due to me feeling this way, I often confided into to my ex-bf as well because I did not feel like my boyfriend was completely committed to me. Undoubtedly, my boyfriend was also confiding in his ex-gf because he also felt that I was much closer with my ex-bf. So essentially, we were both doing the same to each other. We both were unsure of each other's loyalty to one another, and therefore kept on exes on the side. Only about 2 months ago we decided to end ties with our exes because it was becoming detrimental to our relationship. Though, both the exes are now gone, me and have both tend to get pissed off at how in the past we both felt like options to one another. He'll get pissed off if something related to another guy or my ex comes up, and likewise, I get pissed off if something related to his ex comes up. On top of that, because we chose not to share our pasts, we both keep finding things out about each other that make us highly uncomfortable. Although those things were before we even got together, we end up feeling 'betrayed' in a way because we both were unaware of it. We're both in the same boat, and don't know how to deal with it anymore. Once a week SOMETHING in regards to either our previous friendships with our exes, or something related to the past comes up, and we keep having to try to solve things. Is this a lost cause?

[todreaminblue]

i am never dishonest about my past, it needs full disclosure, it doesnt need graphics and i expect the same..and no trust issues ever come into play with me because once they know my history they know i will be faithful, and i am fierce about protecting a relationship i am in.....against subterfuge from others.i am a multiple personality adn one of them actually two know subterfuge...as an empath and as a fighter......my iq is also helpful so yeah ......trust and me guys trust me with their deepest secrets especially a guy i am in a relationship with...and i can trust them...if they trust me......classic catch me game wher you felel the othercatches you...i never let a guy fall even if he flattens me in the process.............deb

[marcjb]

Is this a lost cause?

 

Yes. What do you think ex's are? Now you know ex's need to stay with the rest of the past... out of the picture.

[firmness]

Not divulging information about your past is the same as hiding it. This is a form of dishonesty. You both agreed to this and so now you are dealing with the consequences.

 

I prefer complete and total honesty. This is very hard to do, but with the right person they will be able to handle the fact that you lived a life and are with them now. If they cannot handle this, then what are you doing?

 

This is a lost cause.

[laurelin]

Wow...that's quite a mess you've got there! I think you've definitely learned that, while the past might not be repeated in the future, it is relevant to the present so it should be disclosed when you have embarked upon a relationship you mean to take long-term. If you're not exclusive, then disclosure may not matter too much, but I don't know too many married couples that refuse to acknowledge or discuss their spouse's early life (or life before they met). That doesn't mean you air all the nitty-gritty details, but names and time frames and how the relationship progressed/ended should, at least, be touched upon.

 

I think the biggest issue, here, is that you confided in your exes instead of confiding in one another. Discussing your relationship with someone of the opposite sex might seem rational because you might think you're getting insight from the male (or, in his case, female) point of view, but doing so establishes trust with the ex and will undermine the trust you have in one another.

 

Since this is causing issues for both of you and you both recognize that the root of the problem is the establishment of trust in the exes, then perhaps you need a 'meeting of the minds'. Make a rule that disclosure about each other's pasts starts now. Whatever disclosure did or didn't happen before this should become irrelevant. It's a new beginning to build a foundation of trust.

 

Sit down and take turns talking about your pasts. When you're the speaker, he listens. When he's the speaker, you listen. And be sure to tell each other what you took away/learned from of those past relationships and how you are applying it to your relationship with one another.

 

If you think this might be too difficult or could lead to an altercation, then write out your relationship histories and give them to one another to read, absorb and respond. That allows both of you to get all your memories down without threat of interruptions or distractions.

 

If something small surfaces, later, that isn't disclosed right now, agree to give each other the benefit of the doubt before jumping to conclusions about betrayal and secrecy. And, whatever you do, don't discuss your relationship issues with anyone else before you discuss them with one another first!

 

I don't think it's a lost cause if both of you are on the same page about fixing it.

Edited June 15, 2014 by laurelin

[jbelle6]

I don't like to know about my current partners past really. Sure, I may happen to find stuff out later but it's the past so why would I be angry about it? I'm not going to treat him poorly or go off over it.

 

I disagree with some people on here, not divulging info about your past is not the same as hiding it if you both made an agreement to not divulge it. Him hanging around the ex and not divulging THAT was wrong because he was CURRENTLY hanging out with her, therefore she was not just his past.

 

The ex thing never makes sense to me, there are a ton of questions about this every day on here and people still think it's acceptable to hang out with exes while in a relationship. Makes no sense.

 

You are either going to have to forgive each other and stop bringing it up, or break up because you'll just make each other miserable.

[No Limit]

I believe you should ask yourself what it is that both of you are so desperately trying to hide from each other? You don't have to pick a day to spend talking about each others pasts, but as you've already noticed every now and then there's a little reminder of what once was.

And if you're having trust issues, it'll take a long time to smooth things over.