Mycatsnuggles Posted June 15, 2014 Posted June 15, 2014 I have never thought of myself as a sexual person. I married very young with little experience beyond my husband. Sex never felt that important to me. I satisfied his needs which have always been very strong. I have wondered if part of the reason my sexuality was never explored is because his needs are so strong. I began an affair with a man who probably had ed when we began. Sex was always all about me in the beginning and I loved it. I think I actually helped him with his problem because as we progressed he was a full participants and not just a giver, still enjoyed it all. I ended the affair and have been working on the marriage. It is going very well. He is my best friend. We enjoy many activities together, at dinner we can sit and talk for hours. He is kind and thoughtful and has finally began to try to meet my sexual needs before pursing his own. I am still struggling to feel sexual with my H. We have sex several times a week, I rarely turn him down. Have discussed my lower libido and he agrees I don't turn him down. He does not seem to be aware that I am not really into it. I feel like there has to be something to help me overcome my reticence with my H. Has anyone found a therapy technique or book about becoming a more sexual person. I am asking for assistance with the marriage not advice to divorce. I really would not find that helpful. I love this man and believe that I can improve in my thoughts and habits that are hindering this final connection we are missing. I would love feedback from husbands or wives or have differing sexual preferences and how they were able to improve the lower persons libido? Anyone try testosterone? I have thought of this, beyond that I have found very little to treat lowered libido.
BigIdiot Posted June 15, 2014 Posted June 15, 2014 Ever considered Cuckold? (joking) The first and obvious question is, do you find him physically attractive? 1
Author Mycatsnuggles Posted June 15, 2014 Author Posted June 15, 2014 Yes I find him physically attractive. He has begun dressing better and taking more car with his appearance. He is everything a woman would want really. He is one of the better looking men in our social group and is thoughtful to me and gives compliments often.
Allumere Posted June 15, 2014 Posted June 15, 2014 Try a therapist. If you and your husband have discussed this its seems simply an extension of the conversation. It doesn't sound like it is physical based on the little bit of information you have provided. So you ever initiate or want sex with your husband?
KathyM Posted June 15, 2014 Posted June 15, 2014 Lack of communication is usually the reason for sexual incompatibility. If you are not communicating your desires of what turns you on to your husband, he may not know how to satisfy you. I would suggest improving communicating how and what you like in your sexual relationship with him. If you have communicated to him what you like and he just doesn't care to please you, then there are issues in your marriage that are more than just issues with your sex life. If he doesn't care to make the effort to please you, then there is something wrong with the marriage itself and his level of caring and respect that needs work, in which case a marriage counselor that has training in sex therapy would be a good idea. Don't be getting your needs met outside the marriage. That will only damage/destroy your marriage. You need to work out the sexual incompatibility issues with your husband, first through communication, and if that does not suffice, then enlist the help of a marriage counselor who has training in sex therapy.
Author Mycatsnuggles Posted June 15, 2014 Author Posted June 15, 2014 I don't initiate or have the desire. H is very sexual and I have wondered if this could be a part of why I don't, there is never a need to as he does quite frequently. I have started to feel th desire to cuddle with him which I find as positive. I am not a real touchy person. It's a beginning. Anyone attended sex therapy? I'd prefer a book as H was hesitant about a sex therapist. Any one know what a sex therapist does? I'm thinking if that movie w Meryl Streep - is this what it is like?
KathyM Posted June 15, 2014 Posted June 15, 2014 I don't initiate or have the desire. H is very sexual and I have wondered if this could be a part of why I don't, there is never a need to as he does quite frequently. I have started to feel th desire to cuddle with him which I find as positive. I am not a real touchy person. It's a beginning. Anyone attended sex therapy? I'd prefer a book as H was hesitant about a sex therapist. Any one know what a sex therapist does? I'm thinking if that movie w Meryl Streep - is this what it is like? I've studied sex therapy as part of my coursework. You may want to consider a marriage therapist who has some training/education in sex therapy and can work on a variety of issues in your marriage if your husband is reluctant to see a sex therapist per se. Sex therapy can take many forms. It often involves teaching clients better communication on how they like to be pleased/stimulated, teaching clients about ways to please their partner, and assigning homework to practice certain things to build sexual pleasure and excitement. Therapy will also explore any underlying issues that may be contributing to the incompatibility.
Mr. Lucky Posted June 15, 2014 Posted June 15, 2014 I began an affair with a man He does not seem to be aware that I am not really into it. You're looking for a pill to solve a problem that isn't pharmaceutical. There's a link between your two statements above... Mr. Lucky 1
Author Mycatsnuggles Posted June 15, 2014 Author Posted June 15, 2014 There is a connection between the affair and sex. I thought I couldn't enjoy it, that I was broken. Met a man that maybe felt he was broken too. He showed me that I could enjoy sex I just needed more. My not pushing him helped solve his problem. I almost ended my marriage over the lack of connection with sex. Thankfully reality sunk in. This is the only area I have any problem with. We have worked out the other problems, which probably contributed to my lack of drive. Now I feel like the lack of drive is a habit with H, a learned behavior because I know I am able to enjoy sex. I wish to unlearn the behavior. I think Kathies point of communication is good. Ex OM was more in tune to listening to what I wanted, (not in words but interpreting responses) probably because he focused on me not his own pleasure, H has been to focused on himself but he is trying. He needs more direct direction. Just not sure how he would respond if I started to tell him, faster harder whatever. I don't want an affair. I want the man I married. Honestly, I could live without great sex it's not that important to me but I feel it could make our marriage even better so I wish to try. Again, it's important to me to make him happy, he wants to make me happy now also. He is really trying it's just not there yet. Working on different aspects of myself and marriage each day. This is an area I'd like to improve. No one else has struggled with this?
atreides Posted June 16, 2014 Posted June 16, 2014 Just not sure how he would respond if I started to tell him, faster harder whatever. From a male perspective, that's exactly what you should do, as when he sees you are getting turned on, he should as well in response. Do so complimenting him though, don't just give it as an order, make it fun with a pet name giving him more desire to do it harder and faster. When you say "Just not sure how he would respond" is the opposite of communicating, you need to do so. 2
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