Axee Posted June 15, 2014 Posted June 15, 2014 I have a twisty and a convuluted story so please hear me out... Me and my boyfriend had been dating for around 6 months last year but he wasnt sure of taking the next step ahead .. Finally I asked him just say yes or no and he said it doesnt look like it will work out.. So then I was NC with him for 3 months...On new years eve I wished him Happy New Year and then we began chatting again .. Things resumed much better , I was a changed person , very supportive and non needy and he was very caring , we both spent lot of time together..He did a lot for me and I did a lot for him..He said he loves me, and he also was ok if I introduced him to my friends as my boyfriend, he told his mom as well about me... In the meantime, I got admitted to one of the best b schools of the world.. And I had to go there, He came to visit me here as well.. I am 29 and he is 37, my family was pressurising me about marriage , I too want to get married and when I gave him an ultimatum (after several small conversations where he said he needs time but its going in the right direction ), He finally said, he is still not able to take a decision as he feels that there is something that's blocking him, he feels that things are not so easy going between us as how it should be between a couple.. He is now asking for a break and then "we can talk things out " after a couple of months.. I dont know what to do, I love him , I want to be with him but I hate this feeling of helpless where I am waiting around for him to commit... Also I am not a person who can do multi-dating also, I am a very sensitive , emotional girl.. Please guide me , WHAT THE HELL SHOULD I DO...
Smarty Pants Posted June 15, 2014 Posted June 15, 2014 You gave him an ultimatum and he said no. Stand by what you said. That's why he doesn't take you seriously. I think it's a little early to talk about marriage but that's just me. I mean you guys dated for 6 months, broke up for 3, and have been together for another ~5? 3
elseaacych Posted June 15, 2014 Posted June 15, 2014 "Twisty and convoluted"? STOP. Do not pass go, do not collect two hundred dollars. Six months, for many people is not enough time to decide whether they want to get married to another person or not. And add in the LDR, and the breakup, you have no idea where his or your head is at. But, since he's already left you once, no, you shouldn't wait around on YOUR time for him to decide what he wants. He left you once, who's to say he won't leave you again? 4
d0nnivain Posted June 15, 2014 Posted June 15, 2014 What you do now is take him at his word & let him go. Concentrate on your studies. In a few weeks / months take your head out of your books & look around. You have a whole school full of eligible men. Date one of them. 4
central Posted June 15, 2014 Posted June 15, 2014 6 months is way too soon to consider marriage. Even a year is soon. How well can you really know someone in such a short time? Especially when the ramifications are so great if you make a poor choice, which it seems you are inclined to do.
Keenly Posted June 15, 2014 Posted June 15, 2014 You admit your family was pressuring you to get married. You took that pressure and like a play in football, handed it right off to your boyfriend, and started pressuring him into 6 months into a relationship. WAY too soon. Do you really want to try and pressure some one to marry you that isn't ready yet? Do you want to guilt and manipulate some one into a marriage? That sounds like a pretty terrible way to start your life with him. 6
firmness Posted June 15, 2014 Posted June 15, 2014 Although it seems like there is more to this story, I suspect you have been screwing up like crazy with this man. When he says it is not as easy as it should be, what that means to me is that you are making things difficult. And on top of if you are not listening to him. And on top of it you are pressuring him to marry - and waaaay too soon in my view. And on top of that you present your intimate partner with an ultimatum about marriage? He should run as fast as he can in the opposite direction. You must bring some great things to the table and I am sure you are an awesome woman. But we all get overly emotional sometimes and do or say something we should not. Think about this - reflect very deeply and then decide what to do. But I suspect he is going to be wary of you going forward. I would be if someone did all that to me. 2
Author Axee Posted June 15, 2014 Author Posted June 15, 2014 Regarding the 6 months time, my bad I should have clarified, I don's belong to US, here marriages happen in a much sooner time frame than 6 months, and we initially dated for marriage .. So I have effectively now been with him for 1 year 5 months with a 3 month break in between ... Only the last 5 to 6 months was when we were actually in a relationship I guess?
Els Posted June 16, 2014 Posted June 16, 2014 Regarding the 6 months time, my bad I should have clarified, I don's belong to US, here marriages happen in a much sooner time frame than 6 months, and we initially dated for marriage .. So I have effectively now been with him for 1 year 5 months with a 3 month break in between ... Only the last 5 to 6 months was when we were actually in a relationship I guess? Okay. I'll take this at face value. I'll also assume that in such a culture, divorce would end up with the woman being in a really, really, really bad place. Don't you think that, with everything you mentioned and your desperation, you're likely to end up in a terrible situation down the road? One where you're not actually happy in your marriage but can't leave due to societal restrictions?
jbelle6 Posted June 16, 2014 Posted June 16, 2014 Regarding the 6 months time, my bad I should have clarified, I don's belong to US, here marriages happen in a much sooner time frame than 6 months, and we initially dated for marriage .. So I have effectively now been with him for 1 year 5 months with a 3 month break in between ... Only the last 5 to 6 months was when we were actually in a relationship I guess? Oh, OK. So when he first started dating you his intent was marriage? Well, if it isn't now, or if he's not sure then maybe you two are not compatible. Instead of trying to force marriage on him, maybe find someone that wants to get married in a similar time frame as you? I don't think ultimatums work in these cases very often. I know if a guy did that to me I would run away.
Author Axee Posted June 23, 2014 Author Posted June 23, 2014 So here is the update... We had a big conversation and he said he has thought deeply about our situation and he feels we are not compatible... "You and me are very alike ..and we dont feel loved, we both are very aggressive people and it will be difficult to live together...I want a break... I am going to meet other girls and you are also free to do so... I tried my best to see if this can work out and even after trying my best for nearly 6 months I still dont feel we can work out..." After so many nice moments , I was snappy in 1 trip .. and he judged me on this situation ..Just moments before the break up ago I had had a chat with his mom and she had invited me to their place and asked me how things are going on with regards to our marriage decision.... I am totally zoned out and hurt... I spend one and half year on him... But he always feels that mental block...A week back when he was here he said "I love you " and now there is something else.. Settling into a deep sadness and dont know what to do next...
d0nnivain Posted June 23, 2014 Posted June 23, 2014 Well, at least you have an answer. I'm sorry you are hurting but better you should find out now, before marriage, that this isn't meant to be. Give yourself some time to grieve & heal. Look forward to your studies & all the amazing changes which will be happening for you. In a few weeks, talk to your family. By then they may have another more suitable prospect for you. 1
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