Lovewut Posted June 15, 2014 Posted June 15, 2014 I have been dating this girl for 4 months, and we have just decided to become exclusive and have a relationship. I like her a lot, we have a lot of chemistry, and we get along really well. We've been in a relationship for less than a week and have already hit a major snag. The other day she had a 'sleepover' with her male friend, Jack (name changed for privacy). She went to his house to watch a movie, and she had to work in his neighbourhood the next morning. They did not (according to her) sleep in the same bed. I consider myself pretty accommodating and progressive when it comes to opposite-sex friendships, but I draw the line at sleepovers. Background 1: Her and Jack have been longtime friends. They have slept together and dated, but she tells me this was over 10 years ago. Her and Jack did not really speak for several years because Jack's girlfriend was not comfortable with their friendship. She has also had trouble with other boyfriends regarding her friendship with Jack. For this reason she is very sensitive about people being controlling about their friendship Background 2: I am best friends with one of my ex-girlfriends, Jill. We dated for 10 years and it ended 3 years ago (it is not my most recent relationship). I am acutely aware that this is a sensitive spot for potential mates, and I am very careful with my behaviour to make girls I am dating (and Jill's boyfriend) comfortable with our friendship. For example, I would never plan to sleep at Jill's house... Back to the story: I told Jill that I am ok with her being friends with Jack, but I am not comfortable with sleepovers. I told her that I need my partner to not do that (I probably should have worded it more to outline that I was uncomfortable, but we don't always choose the right words) She did not take it well, and told me it was "non-negotiable." She said that she does not view her male and female friends differently and does not modify her behaviour with friends when she is in a relationship. She tried to tell me that she wanted to deal with 'where the feeling was coming from' so that I wouldn't feel that way. I don't want a partner to change my feelings, I want her to respect them. I'm at a loss as to what to do now. I feel really stressed because this is the first and only thing I have asked her to do to respect my feelings. If she will not compromise on this, will she compromise on anything? I feel like she is accusing me of being controlling, but I feel like asking her to not sleep at other guys' houses is a small and reasonable request. For me, having respected boundaries is an important part of a relationship. I feel like I am pretty relaxed and progressive when it comes to opposite-sex-friendship boundaries compared to other guys, and she may be taking advantage of this. What my options are here? I can try to talk to her about it some more, but she seems pretty clear that she will not change for me. I can try to accept it and deal with it, but I know myself well enough to know that the next time this happens I will be very hurt and sad. And the closer I get to this girl, and the more committed we become, the more this will hurt me. Or, I can decide to not be in a relationship with someone who will not accept my boundaries, and who will not modify behaviour to protect our relationship. I know that compromise is important in a relationship, but I don't know what kind of compromise can work here. I really like this girl, and want to make it work, but I don't know what to do. Does anyone have advice?
iiiii Posted June 15, 2014 Posted June 15, 2014 Tricky one. Seems like she's unwilling to compromise, and I'm not sure if what you're asking is unreasonable. I mean, it's not like she has a real need to stay over at his house (she's not in another town and staying at his place rather than a motel, for example). She is just doing it for fun, and could compromise if she wanted to do so. On the other hand, either you trust her or you don't. If you do trust her, then you will realize that staying at someone's house overnight doesn't necessarily mean she's jumped into bed with him. She might be rather offended by the assumption that she can't be trusted to keep her legs together. Does this Jack have a spare room at his house - maybe the compromise could be no sleep overs in the same room?
d0nnivain Posted June 15, 2014 Posted June 15, 2014 If you are not saying she can't be friends with Jack & safety wasn't a cnoncern, the fact that she is unwilling to stop having sleepovers at Jack's would be a deal breaker for me. The reason I mention safety is that if she had been drinking or it was snowing, I'd say be happy she was smart but all that time for no apparent reason . . . that has to stop.
oldshirt Posted June 15, 2014 Posted June 15, 2014 Can you guarantee that she will never feel neglected or upset with you and that she will never have anything to drink or anything that will decrease her judgement or inhibitions around Jack or that he will never try anything or that she will never be ovulating and have some kind of hormone spike while she is at his house after a night of drinking and that he will always be a perfect gentleman and will decline her advances if she slips into his room in the middle of the night? If you can answer yes to all of those questions, then you shouldn't have anything to worry about.
MoreCoffee Posted June 15, 2014 Posted June 15, 2014 I would never counsel anyone to be okay with this. Maybe dating a while longer is required? I don't see you as having the issue with perspective.
DArtagnan2 Posted June 15, 2014 Posted June 15, 2014 I think its about a trust factor with you. I may be a bit off if someone I was dating stayed at a guy's house, sure, but at the same time, I have had friends who were girls stay at my place because it got to late for them to leave or they just fell asleep. But, this type of thing is a deal breaker for some, and if it is for you, then you know what you need to do.
Art_Critic Posted June 15, 2014 Posted June 15, 2014 As if not having sleepovers would stop them from bumping uglies if they wanted too..... but.. I agree that having sleepovers with a male friend is bothersome, now that she knows how you feel will she be making ajustments to correct her behavior so it doesn't appear improper ? I would also pay attention to this friendship as it may detract away from your relationship if it is structured as needing each other either emotionally or physically.... if it is more than a friendship that is...
marcjb Posted June 15, 2014 Posted June 15, 2014 (edited) I say break up with her now. It's not going to get any better. It's only the first week you guys are official and she is pulling this crap? Does she think she is still in the 3rd grade with these "sleepovers"? These girls (because they obviously aren't women) need to understand that these male "friendships" and a relationship just isn't going to work. It's not just a one sided thing though. The same goes for you with your ex though. Friends with ex's are never a good idea. You're eventually going to be with the women of your dreams that is not going to put up with this kind of behavior. What are you going to do, be single your whole life because you want to keep your "friends"? Edited June 15, 2014 by marcjb
firmness Posted June 15, 2014 Posted June 15, 2014 I have been in more than one relationship where there was a "thing" That thing that just bugged me. Too many male friends. Too much missing time. No contact for too long under shady circumstances. The rule I have developed is this - if I feel "off" (call it jealous, insecure, controlling, whatever) I leave. If it is just me and my own craziness, then I do not belong in a relationships and should leave her on good terms. If it is truly HER, then I do not want to feel that way and she is the wrong partner for me. Even if she is doing simple, inoffensive, "innocent" things it doesn't matter. What matters is how I feel about them. I trust my instincts because I pay way less attention to a woman's words and very close attention to her behaviors. That will tell you everything you need to know. I think you will find that the consensus (although not unanimous) around here is that sleepovers with the opposite sex is a complete deal breaker - especially if there has been romantic interest in the past. I never had to deal with anything even remotely as extreme as this, but when I did feel "off" I just ended it. Not necessarily right away, but I pulled back until it just died, or she broke up with me. But by then I was already over it. Do not cheat though! That is a no-no. Good luck. She may be an amazing woman, but to have such an ignoramus approach seems to be that she either completely lacks empathy or has zero respect for you. Either way, this is a huge lack of a sense of boundaries, and it will only get worse. 4
BigIdiot Posted June 15, 2014 Posted June 15, 2014 Sensible Answer: Most people couldn't handle this kind of situation, including myself...it's just wrong to me. If it's bothering you now, and she cannot see how it's affecting your feelings and won't even compromise, then it's time to get out. Seems kinda selfish to me. Immature Answer: Why not give her a taste of her own medicine. Get a girl round to your place, or go to a girls house and stop over. See if she likes it. Say you're just good friends. 6
MidwestUSA Posted June 15, 2014 Posted June 15, 2014 Sensible Answer: Most people couldn't handle this kind of situation, including myself...it's just wrong to me. If it's bothering you now, and she cannot see how it's affecting your feelings and won't even compromise, then it's time to get out. Seems kinda selfish to me. Immature Answer: Why not give her a taste of her own medicine. Get a girl round to your place, or go to a girls house and stop over. See if she likes it. Say you're just good friends. What does it say about me if I like a reply from a self titled 'idiot'? I thought of the same thing - a taste of her own medicine - but only if you're willing to accept the escalating tension and eventual breakup it will cause. Might be the best thing. 2
Keenly Posted June 15, 2014 Posted June 15, 2014 She doesn't exactly seem to care about the fact that this bothers.you I mean... you pretty much got a " too bad " answer. 3
morbot_k Posted June 15, 2014 Posted June 15, 2014 I think it's worth telling her that it causes you anxiety and you don't understand why sleeping over at a former lover's house is necessary when you live close enough. Don't get angry though, just be honest on how you feel. Forget about respect and all that. It's not about respect - because if she didn't respect you - would you have gotten to be with her for even 4 months and made her your gf? The issue is that it makes you feel bad. And yeah, she could try to work on helping you figure out why you feel bad or whatever - but how hard would it be for her just not to sleep over. Why not take the easier road? That is a bit of a flag in my opinion. 1
marcjb Posted June 15, 2014 Posted June 15, 2014 The issue is that it makes you feel bad. And yeah, she could try to work on helping you figure out why you feel bad or whatever - but how hard would it be for her just not to sleep over. Why not take the easier road? That is a bit of a flag in my opinion. Exactly, but it's like shooting someone in the foot and telling them "Lets sit down and talk, we can figure out why this hurts you". I can guarantee that if the tables were turned, she would have a problem with it. Why is our society so narcissistic nowadays...
Daisy-oliviaWentcher Posted June 15, 2014 Posted June 15, 2014 Even though she slept with him 10 years ago that's still history! And she isn't willing to compromise? Bad sign! 1
Friskyone4u Posted June 15, 2014 Posted June 15, 2014 If you allow this to continue your are crazy. There is a BIG difference between having friends of the opposite sex than sleeping alone at their houses whenever she feels like it. Especially with some one that she has already had a sexual relationship with, no matter how long ago. You have no way to verify if they slept in same bed or what they did. If you are OK with this and stay , she has no boundaries and your next post will be on the infidelity forum she you get blindsided after it goes on and you are clueless. Tell her goodbye. She doesn't give a damm about your feelings 1
LostOnes05 Posted June 15, 2014 Posted June 15, 2014 This girl sounds like bad news to me..."non-negotiable"...really?? She is definitely showing a lack of respect for you. The more you let slide with this, the further she will push your boundaries. Let's say the heat [randomly] goes out at his house/apartment during a sleepover. Then you hear this, "Oh, honey we only slept in the same bed because the heat wasn't working". A few months later you hear, "We need to talk...but we only kissed". Remember the saying, "Give em an inch and they'll take a mile". She has to respect that sleeping in another man's place is unacceptable, especially if they dated in the past. This isn't her Uncle Ronald with the bad leg, this is someone she shared a level of intimacy with in the past. This is a huge red flag if she isn't willing to compromise on this issue. And I agree with BigIdiot if she just can't fathom her life without these sleepovers. Let a girl spend the night at your house and invite the gf over for breakfast..."You want eggs?" See how fast your sleepovers end. 2
FortunateSon Posted June 15, 2014 Posted June 15, 2014 Call me old fashioned, but this would be a deal breaker for me, unacceptable. I think it shows a lack of respect for you, don't be surprised if further boundary issues arise if you continue the relationship. I wouldn't want to be with someone who would think its right to put themselves in that situation, regardless if something happened or not. 2
Poppyolive Posted June 15, 2014 Posted June 15, 2014 If she cared for you and was interested in building a relationship with you she should be able to listen to your concerns and chat them out in an understanding way. ...but she's not. Maybe she needs time to cool off because of how you phrased it. Maybe she's hiding something. My advice is give it sometime and come together to hear each other out. Explain openly what exactly bothers you about this. Gauge your next move from her response. *if she's still defensive then she's showing you she doesn't care and its non negotiable.... Then move on. * she understands where you are coming from, yet she is unsure how she feels..then together you find a compromise you are both happy with. Get on with building foundations of your relationship. Keep your boundaries, you seem like you've got a solid head on your shoulders. I completely understand where you are coming from. I also see her situation. I think whats happening here is how you phrased it or how it made her feel. That or she's completely not for you, you'll have a relationship of not understanding each other or one that lacks compromise. If its a case of you feel right and she feels right and to one another each of you is wrong...and no compromise is made them it simply won't work. ....and that's OK too.
kaylan Posted June 15, 2014 Posted June 15, 2014 Dump the disrespectful cow. She def sounds like the low quality cheating type to me. Youre the nice chump provider, and her "friend" is the guy she likes to continually bang on the side. Have some self respect and just jump her cold, quick, and hard. And then go full no contact. 3
giblesp Posted June 15, 2014 Posted June 15, 2014 It would make most if not all people feel uncomfortable. I certainly wouldn't do it. My opinion is that she could be a little bit more empathetic to your feelings. You've said that you're ok with her being friends with him, but sleepovers don't make you feel comfortable. And that is fair enough. There's no way I'd go sleeping round my exs or a friends, when I've got a girlfriend to snuggle up with... 2
Frank2thepoint Posted June 15, 2014 Posted June 15, 2014 What my options are here? I can try to talk to her about it some more, but she seems pretty clear that she will not change for me. I can try to accept it and deal with it, but I know myself well enough to know that the next time this happens I will be very hurt and sad. And the closer I get to this girl, and the more committed we become, the more this will hurt me. Or, I can decide to not be in a relationship with someone who will not accept my boundaries, and who will not modify behaviour to protect our relationship. You actually have only two options. Accept it, and begrudgingly move on with the relationship, trusting her to not cheat on you. Or end the relationship because this legitimately bothers you, because the feeling will not go away. You already talked to her about, she isn't budging. There's nothing you can do to convince her otherwise. The choice you make affects you, not her. I think you have a legitimate concern, and her unwillingness to compromise is a bad sign. Yet she has no problem twisting the blame, since she thinks there is a deeper problem with you. 1
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